The Right Time to Write (#fmf)

It has been a couple years since I’ve done a Five Minute Friday! Not exactly sure what happened except that I lost my words. They stopped flowing out of me. And it was scary to lose my words! 

Who am I when I can’t write, when I can’t express the depths of me in old familiar ways, when I lose all of my opinions and cares and become silent? Pain and sheer levels of turmoil, chaos and burnout stored within my heart and mind choked out all flow of words. That pain undeniably cried out to be healed and I couldn’t ignore it any longer. It needed to be cleared out of the way before my words (and my life) could flow freely again! But in order for the pain to be healed, I had to find a different way to speak. 

Slowly, the words began to slide out but they came out in art. Art journaling took the place of blogging as color, doodling and collaging together spoke my truth. Through the pages of my art journals, the deepest and rawest parts of me were being revealed, nurtured, loved, counseled and slowly nursed to a level of health and wholeness that I never knew existed. All that was made wrong was slowly being set right. Years of perseverance, strength and determination to find healing finally led to freedom and transformation. This transformation is finally leading me back to the written word once again! 

But who am I after that journey? How does that journey impact my writing? What do I even want to write about? What is worth saying in a world where everyone has something to say? Where can my voice make a difference? Where can my words bring hope? 

I don’t know the answers to these questions right now, but the right thing to do is to show back up today, to pick up the pen (keyboard?), to remain open to rediscovering my written voice and to offer up my heart and my words to the One who has led me into shalom. My words are back and now is the right time to unleash them once again! 

Five Minute Friday (#FMFparty) gives writers a word prompt every Friday. We are encouraged to write whatever comes to mind about that word in just five minutes. No editing, no perfection, only writing from the heart. To find out more, visit Five Minute Friday. This week's word is "RIGHT”.

Boundaries Remove the Need (#fmf)

It is one of the best things to open my November/December calendar and discover empty weekends this year! It’s still a novelty to have free weekends because I spent several years where every Saturday and Sunday were devoted to Christmas music ministry (praise band, praise team, sound team).

This year, we can make plans and not have to shuffle them around children’s Christmas musical practices (which were Fridays/Saturdays/some Sundays), adult cantata practices (some Saturdays/Sunday afternoons), Hanging of the Greens practices (usually Thanksgiving weekend and all Sunday afternoon just before performance Sunday night), and praise team practices (which were held every Saturday morning). It wasn’t uncommon for children’s and adult practices to be back-to-back meaning we’d be at the church for 4-6 hours a day plus the time spent with praise team on Saturday/Sundays and church services.

When I look at my empty calendar and then reflect how my schedule usually plays out in November and December, I feel sweet relief. There are moments when I really miss my church music friends and the opportunities to make music with them, but those moments are quickly overshadowed with the stress that I still feel when I think about those days or the shame over getting so sucked up into the churchy bubble when 95% of my life happened outside of church but yet my whole life was for the church.

It’s embarrassing to think of all the festive activities and parties we turned down because they conflicted with practices. I turned down friends when they had real needs, but after spending all day at church, I had nothing to left to give anyone. This is where I hoped that good intentions would be good enough because it was all I had to offer (ouch!). There were weekends when I sacrificed our family traditions or rushed my family through Christmas activities so I could be back at church for another practice or to get my own practice time in so I’d be ready for practice. I dreaded November and December because I knew it would be one big juggling act that would leave me stressed and frustrated because it’d be another year of giving up the things I really wanted to do for something I still wanted to do but somehow, it overtook everything!

What I didn’t know last November and December (and the ones before that) that I know now is that boundaries are necessary within church life. It’s okay to say no to good things. All of my life, I was taught that we need to be there for the church and that God has equipped us with special abilities and talents to use for the church. Growing up, I was taught that it’s our duty as believers to be there for others and to be there for the church and that often came at the expense of our home life as children. I grew up thinking it was my calling to sacrifice my needs and desires as a child and teenager in order to serve others because their needs were more pressing than mine. We’ve been given a good life, so we needed to share it with others. But at the same time, I learned that in order to have my needs met as a child/teen, we needed to meet everyone else’s first.

That line of thinking works when you don’t know anything different about God, church, and family life. But there comes a point in life when that mindset no longer works. “Needing” to give becomes a compulsion to give. And last year, God kept bringing me back to this idea of freedom and a life that He designed for me that goes beyond compulsion. He kept showing me how much I do because I have to do it or need to do it and He kept bringing me back to 2 Corinthians 9:7 (ESV): “Each one must give as he has decided in his heart, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver.” 

It got to the point where all I felt in ministry was stress, pressure, and performance and the joy was sucked out with the compulsion. All of that was reinforced in the fast-paced, high-performance church environment I was in. For every no I tried to utter, spoken and unspoken messages reminded me that it was a privilege to serve and that my talents were needed in order to pull it off. I was reminded to pray more and specifically ask God to give me strength to do what He’s called me to do because we all were juggling busy lives and struggling with the practice schedules, too. I felt guilty because I couldn’t keep up with everything and everyone else could (at least it looked that way on the outside). 

I often wondered if we wanted others to experience God at Christmas, why weren’t we given time to experience Him, too? But God was crammed into prayer before practices and we all knew we were doing this for God and to reach others through our performance, so God understood it was for Him (misguided but well-intentioned). But at the same time, the holiday season would end and it would be then that I'd realize I didn’t even experience God because I didn’t have time to stop and experience Him with all the practices and getting ready for them. There were moments that spoke to me as we played/sang through songs, and those moments combined with rushed devotions before going to practice or exhausted devotions when I got home from practice somehow had to be enough. But it wasn't...it got to the point where it wasn’t good enough for me to go to church. I wanted more than church because I was missing the whole point of church--I was missing God!

This year, the whole point of church has been hashed out one week at a time as I’ve wrestled through what is church, what does it mean, and what place does it have in my life. I’ve wrestled with ministry callings because I’ve experienced what God can do when we are in align with Him and following Him even in a broken church system but not knowing if I could ever go back to as things were. All of this plus my seminary classes have taught me that broken systems contain broken people. And broken people usually have boundary-less lives. Boundary-less lives lead to lives of doing, striving, proving, or performing in order to help us define who we are as titles, accolades, attention, or success give us our value.

When I opened my November/December calendar this morning, a wave of panic hit as I thought of all the practices/performances I would be missing this year and how it’s not fair that others get all of those opportunities and I don’t. And then as memories of all the stress hit…yeah, they can have it!!! Panic turned to excitement because I literally have a blank calendar to offer those I love!! I’m really excited about that because I get to say “yes” this year. I get to say yes to enjoying Thanksgiving without a looming weekend practice in order to get ready for the Hanging of the Greens service (which usually meant leaving the family that traveled to see us fending for themselves while I’m at practice), to baking and decorating all the favorite cookies that we rushed through in previous years, to not just googling but actually completing cool Christmas crafts with my child, to going on a Christmas date with my husband, to driving around and looking at Christmas lights without feeling pulled in different directions, and to taking time to savor the sights and sounds of Thanksgiving and Christmas with my friends and family. It’s as it should be! (lol, my child brought up last night on the way home from church that he's glad he doesn't have to worry about memorizing songs and lines and can just enjoy his holidays!)

I don’t “need” to do anything for God because He has done it all for me…all I “need” to do is rest in Him. It’s very freeing! Part of honoring God is to take care of me and to set those boundaries even within church life that preserve my time, energy, and health so I can give away what He wants me to give to the people He wants me to give it to. Boundaries help define who I am and it gives room to let others be who they are. Boundaries allow every person to take responsibility for their own lives and for their own calendars realizing that in the end, we only answer to God, not well-meaning Christians. And when I keep that perspective, there is joy in an empty calendar because it means God gets to fill it up and keep writing the story that He’s been writing…and to me, that is the pathway to freedom!

“God made my life complete when I placed all the pieces before Him.

When I got my act together, He gave me a fresh start.

Now I’m alert to God’s ways; I don’t take God for granted.

Every day I review the ways He works; I try not to miss a trick.

I feel put back together, and I’m watching my next step.

 God rewrote the text of my life when I opened the book of my heart to His eyes.”

Psalm 18:20-24 (Message)

Five Minute Friday (#FMFparty) gives writers a word prompt. We are encouraged to write whatever comes to mind about that word in just five minutes (although, I always go longer because FMF fuels that spark in me to write).  No editing, no perfection, only writing from the heart.  To find out more, visit http://fiveminutefriday.com/.  This week's word is "NEED".

Going Cold Turkey

What is blue and white, sucks hours out of your day, feeds drama into your life, builds convenient relationships, and creates a love-hate relationship with it? That about sums up my feelings on Facebook lately. Facebook is such a powerful tool for connecting people, encouraging others and praying for others, but it's also a powerful tool designed to distract, withdraw, and disguise reality.

When my child wants to write to Santa and tell him that his Christmas wish is that his mama doesn't use Facebook or her iPhone on Christmas and your husband isn't too far behind in sharing those same sentiments, you know there's a problem and it's time to really step back and examine what's going on and why.

*sigh* Yeah, I enjoy my iPhone--it keeps me connected to so many people during the day, but it's also the biggest distraction in my life. It's what I go to when I'm bored, tired, need a break, need a distraction. It's where I vent when I'm frustrated, share when I'm happy, and just talk about whatever whenever not stopping to think if anyone really cares or not. 

But mainly, Facebook is one of those things that numbs your mind. It's where I can go and not think about anything. I can catch up on the latest on everyone's lives and watch kids grow up while keeping my distance. I can paint a vivid picture of my life that is true but it's not the overriding disposition of my life. I can learn a lot from various leadership organizations, ministries, leaders, and news and political groups. They fuel my hunger to learn new things (plus they help me retain the Quote Queen title for my love of quotes since FB is full of them), but then there are times when it all is pure information overload.

But there is a trade off with Facebook. You know as well as I do that it's super hard to go on Facebook for just five minutes. Five turns into ten and ten into 30 and 30 into an hour and before you know it, another evening has gone by and my house still isn't clean and my to-do list is still just as long as it was this afternoon.

And there just comes a point when I have to say enough. Change isn't going to happen while reading another article or quote about it on Facebook. My child is growing up. My husband is wanting more time with me. My brain is fried yet again because I have spent it on many different things throughout the day and then gave the rest of it to others on Facebook...others who are sitting on the other side of the computer screen, others who I will never meet in person, others who would never do more than post a generic "Happy Birthday!" every year. And where do you draw the line? When do you wake up and realize that you are surrounded by so many awesome people? And that maybe the reason why you don't have the time and energy to give to them is because you're too busy giving it away on Facebook?

I can't do this anymore...life is passing me by as I use Facebook to hide, escape, numb, and keep people at a distance. Life happens beyond my screen yet I'm not seeing it while I'm checking Facebook "one more time." Issues keep piling up because I'd rather see what everyone else is up to rather than deal with my own things. Discontent lurks nearby as I see what opportunities others have that I could have, too, but can't because of the season of life I'm in. Comparison makes me feel inadequate as I see others succeed, acquire, or achieve and it further breeds that discontent.

And then I'm tired of telling people on Facebook, "Sure, let's get together soon!" yet two and three years later, we're still saying the same thing. We still haven't gotten together because we don't have time to get together, yet we're always on Facebook at the same times...hmmmmmmmmm.

Maybe it takes a child's wish to Santa to get me to just stop ... stop and see what is going on ... stop and see where the underlying source of breeding discontent ... stop and see that there are people right in front of me--in person--that desperately want me, not a Facebook me. They want to be a part of my life, not read about my life. They want to do all the fun activities with us, not see more pictures about them. They want to just talk, not write everything out in a PM in text language. 

What if I used all the Facebook time (and it's embarrassing to see how much time checking it here and there really adds up to be in one day) to do something that matters in person? What if I used that time to check in with my family? What if I used that time to just pray instead of post everything I'm thinking, feeling, and seeing on Facebook? What if I used that time in some kind of profitable way that served others around me instead of use Facebook to serve me?

Sometimes we just have to stop ... and last night, I didn't know of any other way to create change than to just deactivate my Facebook account (and oh, does FB ever try to lure you back in before you even deactivate). Something has got to give. If I'm serious about wanting more of God and more of family, I have to remove the things that are keeping me from the more. Facebook just happens to be that thing as it is the biggest time and energy drainer in my life. I don't know, I just need to try it and see what happens. It's almost been 24 hours since deactivation and I have to admit that today was amazing with my family. We were very productive, I was attentive, and everyone received what they wanted and needed from me--my undivided attention. Kudos to those who can get on Facebook and not get sucked into the world of Facebook, but I'm not one of those people. I just know I can't keep on this current path of being sucked into a Facebook world without sacrificing those I love the most and missing out on precious moments of my child's fleeting childhood.

And the funny part is that out of all of my Facebook friends and family, only two texted/emailed me today to make sure everything was okay. And those are the ones I'm close to outside of Facebook--our relationship extends beyond Facebook. It was very reaffirming that this is the right choice for now! There is such sweetness in face-to-face relationships over Facebook relationships and that sweetness and richness quickly erases any second thoughts of deactivation.

A Tribute to My Grandma

These are the words I shared at my grandma's celebration/memorial service on Saturday.  This is what I always want to remember about her.

Musician. Writer. Innovator. Encourager. Hostess. Servant. Listener. Learner. Giver. Godly....these are just a few of the qualities I always admired about my grandma.

Musician – There was always a song in my grandma’s heart for she loved to praise God whether through singing or through the piano. It wasn’t until high school that I realized that families don’t sing at every get together like we did. However, it was my favorite to sit back and listen to my grandma play the piano and hear my grandpa sing. We’ve spent our lives watching them praise God together as a couple. Her love for music has been passed down to three generations as we’ve all learned how to play the piano from her…even my son was able to get in a few beginning piano lessons with her. Music and worship was as important to my grandma as breathing was to her.

Innovator – My grandma always had courage to go against the grain and to blaze her own trail. She knew how to weed out the unimportant and to see what was needed in order to more effectively serve God. She never let her age or her health stop her. She followed God in new paths, always sensitive to His leading whether it was to start or to take over a ministry or to invest her time into people. She was always creative with her ideas and gave people experiences to remember long after the program was over.

Writer – My grandma was never short on words. What she didn’t speak, she wrote. I’ll never forget the time when I was in high school and we were comparing manuscripts for books that we each were writing (oh man, they were pretty rough and at times, cheesy). If she wasn’t writing for a ministry newsletter or sending cards to others, she was composing songs for people as a way to celebrate special occasions and to let them know how special they were. It was fun having a grandma who got excited over writing as much as I did. She wrote the Young at Heart newsletter up until her death. She didn’t just write, she poured her heart into what she wrote. I’m really going to miss her phone calls for help because she can’t get a photo scanned in just right or because she lost another file on the computer.

Hostess – My grandma is known for her fun and for unknowingly being the life of a party. Her laughter was always contagious. As I reflect back on her life, she showed me much about the importance of taking the time to laugh and connect with others because mainly, people just want to belong and they want to be loved. She had a knack for making people feel welcome whether it was at church or in her home. And when grandma had a theme for a party or ministry event, she went all out with that theme in the decorations, paper goods, games, prizes and even in her dress! She always did it right and did it well for she saw it as a reflection of Christ and an opportunity to glorify Him.

Servant – All my life, my grandma has served her church and served others. She knew how to bring others along with her and we watched her teach them how to serve God through her passion for Him and her example. She was always doing things with purpose and that purpose was to share God’s love and hope with others.

Godly – I could always count on my grandma to be consistent in her faith. She never wavered on the things that really mattered even if it meant ridicule. Something changed in her over the past year as she became proof that age is irrelevant when it comes to our relationship with God. I’ve watched her faith grow and blossom into something that goes far beyond routine and into something vibrant, dynamic and peaceful. My grandma’s life exemplifies Psalm 119:92-93 (The Message translation) which says, “If Your revelation hadn’t delighted me so, I would have given up when the hard times came. But I’ll never forget the advice You gave me; You saved my life with those wise words.”

As my grandma grew in God, she traded attitudes and mindsets that no longer mattered for a more heavenly perspective. We watched her joy become fuller and her peace become deeper as she trusted God regardless of what was going on inside of her body. She showed us what it meant to live in grace and how to die with grace. She showed us that life is full when it’s lived in Christ and that nothing can compare to a life with Him both here on earth and now in heaven.

The other day when I told my son that his great grandma went to heaven to be with Jesus, his face lit up with pure delight and wonder as he was excited that she was with Jesus, for even at his young age, he knew that is where his great grandma wanted to be the most. He was able to see her strong faith and then see her hope realized.

My grandma’s life and faith challenge me to proudly embrace all the ways that I am so much like her, to honor her legacy through the way that I live my life, to keep developing my musical and creative talents so I can use them to point others to Christ like she did, to keep my heart open and ready to share God’s love and encouragement with others regardless of opposition or cost, and to hunger after God and see that He is above all else

To the grandchildren, spouses, and great grandchildren:

I’ve been thinking a lot about our family tree lately, and God keeps bringing me back to the tree that is pictured in Psalm 1:1-3: 

Blessed is the man that walketh not in the counsel of the ungodly, nor standeth in the way of sinners, nor sitteth in the seat of the scornful.
2 But his delight is in the law of the LORD; and in his law doth he meditate day and night.
3 And he shall be like a tree planted by the rivers of water, that bringeth forth his fruit in his season; his leaf also shall not wither; and whatsoever he doeth shall prosper.

This is what grandma spent her life showing us. This is her secret to a full life. And this is how a godly legacy gets passed down from one generation to the next. I challenge each of you to consider her life and her consistent testimony and decide what kind of family tree you want to be.

Follow // Five Minute Friday

Five Minute Friday (#FMFparty) gives writers a word prompt. We are encouraged to write whatever comes to mind about that word in just five minutes.  No editing, no perfection, only writing from the heart.  To find out more, visit http://katemotaung.com/five-minute-friday/.  This week's word is "follow".

In a noisy world where everything vies for our attention, we lose so many sounds that were once prominent in our lives. We lose the sound of productivity as we get sucked into another five minutes of reading Facebook statuses or tweets while not realizing that we've been engrossed for 45 minutes already. We lose the sound of individuality as we try to emulate those we feel have arrived or have achieved something great as if they are the only ones that know the way. We lose the sound of our voice as we hear other Christians gossip and ridicule us as we try to stand up for what is right and live according to God's Word.

And in all of that, we lose the sound of God's voice because we've become accustomed to hearing whatever is speaking the loudest to us at that time. We lose the sound of His voice because we lose sight of His face, His ways, and His grace. We mask His lasting peace and joy for temporary happiness and instant thrills that this world gives us because following Him requires more of us than we are willing to give especially over an extended period of time. It's easier to remain a surface Christian and pull our act together in front of other Christians for a few hours each week than it is to live ever radically for Christ as we draw lines in the sand and sift all the noise of this world through Philippians 4:8.  "Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things."

Yet in John 10:27, Christ says, "My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they follow Me." I love this verse because it's a statement of fact. If we are truly God's sheep, we will hear His voice and we will choose to follow Him. Hearing God's voice and remembering how sweet it is always prompts action, obedience, and love. His voice has a way of canceling out those things that have no lasting value and don't honor Christ if we choose to hear Him. God's voice calls us out from among our peers, beyond our church services, and over our mere "religion" into a real relationship where following Him becomes our natural response to His voice because we desire nothing else but Him.

So Why Can't I?

A few weeks ago, I began wondering why this person can take a vacation and not have to check in but I feel like I have to all the time.  Then I was wondering how that person could leave everything behind to have a spur-the-moment family day and not think twice about skipping out on a meeting.  Then I got to wondering why could another person have all that time with their children but then I keep getting asked to squeeze more into my packed schedule.  And I wondered, "When does it stop?  Why can't I go on vacation and leave everything behind?  Why can't I take family days and turn off my phone/email?  Why can't I say I no to activities when my calendar is bursting at the seams?" And then it hit me, I can!!!! 

When I honestly answer the "Why can't I?" question, I see what is at the root of it.  From there, I can make the necessary changes to live out the answer to that question. My "Why can't I?" answers lie in self-imposed busyness, the inability to say no, and the fear of failure, fear of disapproval, and the fear of missing out on opportunities. And when you line that up with God and His Word, it becomes so obvious where I'm missing the mark once again.  And I see where I desperately need God to infuse every single step, every single word, every single thought!  (See Phil. 4:5, Ecc. 3:1, Heb. 3:13, Gal. 1:10, Matt. 6:24, I John 4:18.)

One thing that I've been understanding lately is that we teach others how to treat us.  And in that, I've been discovering that no one is going to outright give me permission to take a break. No one is going to stand there and make me take time for myself and for my family. And generally the same people that are quick to tell me that I need to slow down and put my family first are the ones that have no shame in throwing more on me.  And, they are the ones that know how and when to call in a break for themselves without guilt and without the need to check in. Hmmmmmm...it really makes one stop and analyze what's going on and why.  In retrospect, people keep asking me to do things because I always say yes. They keep giving because I keep taking. And they keep offering because I keep doing regardless of cost. Frankly, I'm a quick, definite yes!

However, there is nothing wrong at all with people asking me to do things.  There are definitely things I want to do and love doing and would never even know about if I wasn't asked!  But there comes a point when it's time to grow up and realize that I am the only one responsible for my yeses and nos. I am the one responsible for setting my limits and boundaries. These things just don't happen without my intentional intervention. And I have to understand that life is a marathon, not a sprint.  It's a journey, not a destination, and just insert what other cliche fits here.

There truly is merit to pacing ourselves. I'm always eager to jump into everything with both feet and give 100%, but I'm discovering that it's okay to enter into things slowly. We have to pace ourselves because when we run at full speed ahead, we easily run over God without meaning to. When we constantly say yes without thinking about it, we are saying no to the God-ordained pace for our lives. And when we say no to God's pace for our lives, it's where we find that we are living out of ourselves instead in Christ. It's where we find ourselves striving so hard to fulfill everyone's expectations (including our own) that we project those expectations as coming from God when in reality, He never once asked for our striving. It's where we follow our plans and hopes for each day rather than take time to seek God for what He wants us to accomplish each day. That's where we're getting it wrong. 

Great freedom comes from living out of the "I can!" answer to the "Why can't I?" question when the "I can" is rooted in our view of God and His plan and pace for our lives. 

Trees & Seasons

“His delight is in the law of the Lord, and in His law he meditates day and night.  He shall be like a tree planted by the rivers of water, that brings forth its fruit in its season, whose leaf also shall not wither and whatever He does shall prosper.”  Psalm 1:2-3

Have you ever stopped to consider the untold lessons that are in a tree?  Most days, trees are just trees, and I fail to notice them until one really stands out.  What makes that tree catch my eye?  Is it the towering height, enormous girth, twisted shape, or some unique feature that distinguishes it from all others?  Or, is it the vibrant color of the leaves, the sheer volume of leaves, or the total lack of leaves that make me take a second glance?  Or do I notice trees more in the newness of spring as little buds begin to form on branches?  Or do I notice them more in the summer when I need a cool place to rest?  What about the fall when trees seem like they are on fire with bright hues of orange, yellow, and red; or the winter, when they stand there lonely and bare? 

As trees greet each new season, one fact remains:  a tree is still every bit of a tree—strong, solid, even beautiful—in the bareness of winter as it is in all of its glory in the heat of summer.  No matter the season, the tree stands tall and firm.  It thrives.  It grows.  It weathers all types of conditions that beat against it, from the strong storm gusts to the pelting sleet and rain to the parchment that comes from the hot summer’s sun.  The very core (trunk) of the tree remains sure regardless of the season.

Though the tree stands solid and sure, there is a lot going on within its branches and leaves.  The leaves are ever-changing, ever-cycling, and ever telling a story of God’s purpose and design.  In the spring, we see new life as tiny little buds begin to appear on the branches.  This new life signifies a rebirth, restoration, growth, change, and hope.  In the summer, the leaves reach maturity and provide much needed shade all the while photosynthesis is going on in the background to help the tree grow, reach its peak, store food for the winter, and thrive.  It signifies work, energy, reward, and even rest.  In the fall, the leaves change color and they let go of the tree because weather conditions are just so that they cannot keep feeding the tree. They served their purpose and are now leaving to make way for the next set of leaves.  In the winter, trees revert into dormancy where everything slows down inside of it.  It focuses its energies on surviving the winter and does what it can to protect itself from the harsh winter elements. 

All of this reminds me so much of the seasons of our lives. Merriam-Webster defines ‘season’ as "a time characterized by a particular circumstance or feature; a suitable or natural time or occasion; an indefinite period or time; a period of the year characterized or associated with a particular activity or phenomenon." 

We all experience seasons where we jump into something new and experience the joys and challenges of new ideas, opportunities, and relationships.  We begin to live out of our capacity until what we expend goes way beyond our capacity but strive so hard to hang on.  At that point, we begin to lose those things that we didn’t want to lose.  Sometimes it’s little things but sometimes, we lose the big, irreplaceable leaves of life like our family, friends, and even God.  Our life empties itself, leaf by leaf, of the things we once loved.  We are left still standing, but we are standing empty and bare.  We retreat and wonder where we got it wrong.  We try to recover from running at 100 mph for so long.  We try to restore relationships that were let go when we were too busy to notice, yet we realize the problem was with us all along.  We find ourselves in a dormant period where we have done everything but the very thing God wants of us...and that is to be still and to know that He is God (Psalm 46:10). 

Slowly, as we lay dormant before God, we see the promise and hope of new buds.  But it's still not the time for them to sprout just yet.  We must learn to stay still and let Him work, let Him bring the growth, let Him restore us to our capacity.

While nature works in quarterly, predictable seasons, our lives ebb and flow in a myriad of seasons.  A season of education, a season of new love, a season of parenthood, a season of the empty nest, a season of retirement, a season of health, a season of sickness, a season of sadness, and a season of joy.  As much as we want it to, we can’t make these seasons conform to a calendar or time frame, nor can we make them conform to each other's seasons.  Each season is as unique as each individual, as unique as every tree, as unique as every leaf.

Maybe instead of fighting our seasons so much and wishing our seasons looked like the others around us, we should simply stand solid and sure as the trees do in our yard, letting God work in and out of us the purposes that He desires.  In this way, our outward “leaves” have a chance to tell the story of Him and in the most beautiful way that commands others to see Him.


“To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die;
A time to plant, and a time to pluck what is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal;
A time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones;
A time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to gain, and a time to lose;
A time to keep, and a time to throw away;
A time to tear, and a time to sew;
A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate;
A time of war, and a time of peace.”
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

The Proverbs Challenge -- Day 1

Growing up, my dad told me that "A Proverb a day will keep the Devil away."  He encouraged us to read one chapter of Proverbs each day of the month since there are 31 chapters and 31 days.  I often begin the month well.  But mid-month, life gets super busy and my reading slacks off.  Guilt usually kicks in a week later so I have time to at least catch the last few chapters of Proverbs before a new month begins. 

Recently, I encountered two women who handwrite the Bible.  At first, it seemed really odd but they stressed the sheer amount of concentration and discipline that is required to write out God's Word.  They read it and then say it in their mind as they are writing it and then reread the entire chapter.  They shared how copying the Bible awakened them and transformed their relationship with God with each book they copied. The more I learned about it, the more I wanted to try it...but next month.  Then next month became the month after and so forth.  However, today, September 1, seemed like a good day as any to try the Proverbs challenge. 

My main goal with the Proverbs challenge is to cultivate a spirit of priority and discipline.  It's easy to read through a few chapters of the Bible every day and to pray while on the go, but it's harder to slow down long enough to internalize God's Word and to have those extended prayer times without any distractions.  I have been in a rut and want something fresh rather than study through another devotional.  I want God without all the extras and nothing gets one back to the basics like copying straight from God's Word.

Proverbs is one of those "hindsight is 20/20" type of books for me.  It is filled with wisdom that I wish I had put into practice because it would have saved a lot of tears, heartaches and mistakes.  I tend to cross-reference Proverbs with life lessons so there are notes and dates of painful life lessons in the margin next to their corresponding Proverbs so I don't forget those lessons learned (it's like a diary of sorts).  However, there are so many vital lessons in Proverbs that spare a person of trouble if heeded, so I figured this would be my chance to learn without all of the hard lessons time around.  There was no other place to begin aside from time in prayer and simply sitting down with a fresh notebook and my Bible.  

As I began copying Proverbs 1, I was waiting for this big, huge life-altering revelation to jump out at me.  Instead, I got distracted by what it must have been like to be Solomon, David, Moses, Paul or Peter.  They were close enough to God to hear Him and to pen the facets of His heart.  It almost felt too sacred to continue writing out Proverbs 1 because I know how unholy, how human I am.  At that moment, God reminded me that He chose imperfect beings to write down His Words.  These men were human in every way yet God redeemed them and had a plan to use them despite their imperfections.  He had a relationship with them and used them right where they were at.  But the key is that these men were living in such a way that they were attuned to God's voice.  Very thought-provoking.

About halfway through Proverbs 1, I thought about all the things my child and I have read together over the years in our missionary studies.  We've spent a lot of time talking about the 10/40 window and just how many unreached people groups there are that do not have a Bible in their own language.  I couldn't help but echo some of the prayers we've poured out for these people groups.  I kept thinking of the Bible translators who have a vision and calling from God to learn a new language so they can copy not only Proverbs but the rest of the Bible, word for word, in a language that has never seen the Word of God.  What a responsibility and challenge for these translators especially as they feel the urgency to spread God's Word but are confined to a slow, tedious process. 

After handwriting Proverbs 1, I read it in Matthew Henry's commentary only to be reminded of the truths and the why behind the Book of Proverbs.  I have a feeling that this handwriting journey is just a beginning--a place to rediscover the wonder of the Scripture with each word that is written down and an opportunity to reconnect with God in openness and hunger.  As it comes to mind, pray that God will speak to me through this challenge and that I may learn discipline through this process. 

Only One Household Matters...

Last Sunday, our pastor focused on the role of women and referred to Proverbs 31.  He said one thing that rendered me speechless as the truth of that verse (and all the supporting verses that instantly rushed to mind) sunk in.  This week, I've tried not to think about the implications of that verse and even tried to rationalize it away, but the Spirit kept bringing it to mind over and over again.  There was nothing left to do but throw my hands up in resignation because it's not going way until it's addressed!  (You know how it is!)

Proverbs 31:27 -- "She watches over the ways of her household, and does not eat the bread of idleness."

The part that stuck out the most was Proverbs 31:27a as the pastor briefly mentioned that if a woman is watching over her household, she is not caught up in gossip.  Think about it, if she's watching over her own household, she doesn't have the time nor energy to get involved in the gossip, drama, mom/homeschool competition, and what's going on at so-and-so's house. 

I was floored this week to see just how much I worry about everyone else's household on top of mine and just how many things I tend to take on that aren't mine to bear.  It seemed like every time I read a Facebook status this week, I had an unwritten comment or thought for everything!  Yet this week, every time I thought something, I heard this little voice saying, "Is that watching over YOUR household or someone else's?"  *sigh* 

It was an instant red flag to stop and capture each thought.  It was rather sickening to see just how much I inwardly cast judgment or how I concerned myself with how other people are (or aren't) raising their children or how I worried about how many Christians refuse to see the light on social, political, religious and/or household issues or how much it bothered me to see so many moms wishing away these snow days and time with their children. 

It's been an eye-opening week as I fought between the old way versus God's way.  However, based on this week alone, I discovered the following things.

Whenever I watch over my own household:

• a lot of things that I think matter, really don't.
• a massive amount of mental space opens up because I'm not worried about everyone else (that also turns into physical energy).
• we have more fun because my mind is focused on my family so I'm not worried about what others think. 
• more love flows through our home because I'm not bogged down in everyone else's problems and taking that stress out on those I love. 
• my family is my priority and I can keep saying "no" because I know I'm doing what God wants me to do.
• God gives us the wisdom to know what needs of others He wants us to address versus the needs that someone else can take care of (Prov 31:20).
• I have peace and confidence that watching over my own household is a direct command from the Lord and anything (attitude, person, activity, etc.) that takes away from that is not from God.   

It'll be a battle until the full implications of Proverbs 31:27 are firmly rooted in my mind.  Until then, this is quickly becoming one of the most valuable tools in my arsenal as it helps free up my mind in big ways so I can more fully love God and love others, especially my family. 

A Different Kind of Church Split

In a world that constantly pulls families apart through busy schedules, sports, activities, education, careers and entertainment, I can't help but notice how much our churches inadvertently pull families apart as well.  While it's not intentional and usually for explainable reasons, we have been astounded at the lack of co-ed Sunday School classes or Wednesday night classes in many churches in our area.

We've been visiting quite a few churches over the months looking for a home church and had no clue just how unfamily-friendly most of our Baptist churches are.  And the sad part is, I don't even think many Christians even see what the problem is with churches offering so many men's-only and women's-only classes and the unspoken messages it sends to our children and to the world.  It blows my mind how a family of five can go to church and all five family members have their own classes to attend, from birth right through adult.  Am sure if pet sitting was available, the family dog or cat would even have a place to go as well.

Sometimes I wonder if the reason why there are so many men-only or women-only classes and hardly any couples/co-ed classes is because so many spouses go to church solo or go to church mainly for the kids programs and just attend a class while they are waiting for their kids.  Or maybe it's because of leadership as it's hard to find men or couples willing to lead a class.  Or maybe it's because we feel like we can somehow reach the community better if we divide up the groups in a church so it's not as threatening and overwhelming while at the same time failing to address the marriage crisis in America.  

For years, my husband and I have enjoyed going to church together.  It's our time to be together without the noise of the world bombarding us or trying to pull us apart.  It's our time to learn about God together and to challenge one another in the things that we have heard.  It's our time to reconnect, serve and hopefully be an example to others as we seek to serve God together as a family. 

In our normal week, my husband is gone over 40 hours a week.  When he comes home every night, we have dinner, spend time with our child before bed and then catch up on our things in the evenings before spending time together before we fall asleep.  Yet, it seems like that time together is never enough.  To me, desiring God and desiring to spend that time together with my spouse before God is so special and such a gift that it seems natural to want to go to church together, pray together, sit together and learn together.  Yet we've been discovering just how unnatural that is in today's society as we've been visiting churches that don't offer co-ed classes except for the Sunday morning worship service.  How have we as a church gotten so far away from God's original design for both the family and the church?

I was reminded this week in my son's devotions about the little boy who shared his lunch with Jesus and fed the 5,000 men plus all of the women and children that were present.  Then, I started flipping through the pages in my son's Bible and noticed that that nearly every time there was a crowd around Jesus, it wasn't segregated as the Bible gives info on the crowd makeup (men, women, children).  Sure, there were times when Jesus met alone with men or where women got together on their own, but the fact remains that whenever Jesus taught in a public crowd setting, it was a setting of all ages, genders, marital statuses and races.  Anyone who wanted to hear Jesus could come...His "pulpit" was simply open.

What would happen if our churches got back to how Jesus taught and instead of separating out the husbands and wives brought them back together to learn, worship and sit at Jesus's feet together again?  How would it strengthen and encourage marriages and families as whole instead of as individual units merely coexisting together under one roof?  These questions keep running through my mind as, once again, my husband and I found a neat church but have to enjoy it separately instead of together (or be the only couple under the age of 60 in a co-ed class). 

I don't know what the answer is, but I know that God has given our family a desire to worship Him and serve Him together and we can't afford to settle for anything less than that when it comes to church.  

Santa vs. No Santa...The Debate Continues

I've tried to remain quiet on the Santa debate all season long, but I can't stay quiet on it any longer.  I've seen too many moms in a quandary over Santa.  This year, there have been a lot of Facebook posts and replies that share viewpoints that either take Bible verses out of context, create this false sense of spiritual superiority, or discredit the specialness of Christmas if Santa is in the picture that it's hard not to give a response.  So, I want to share an email I sent a friend this morning that shares our take on Santa as a way to encourage moms to keep doing what God is leading you to do, to do what works for your family and to not let anyone rob you of the joys and blessings that God has given us through these special moments with our family.

Time is fleeting!  Whether we believe in Santa or not shouldn't be the question.  Rather, it should be are we following God and seeking to honor Him in the best way for our family?  If so, carry on without reservation!  If not, examine what did and didn't work for your family this Christmas and experiment with some changes next year.  Either way, this post isn't to create debate, but rather encourage you to think about why you're doing what you're doing.  Is it for man or for God?  Therein lies your answer to the Santa debate! 


Hi Friend!

Saw your post about Santa and wanted to just share my thoughts if it's okay! This has definitely been a hot topic this year especially in homeschooling circles. After reading FB statuses and links, there were many times I was left feeling like I was not spiritual enough, misguiding my children and a liar thanks to all the people who posted their views about Santa and how "wrong" he is and how/why they don't do Santa w/their kids. It almost seemed like not believing in Santa was a badge of honor or a hallmark of Christianity. And for some on FB (which is impossible to judge tone and intent), it seemed like they came across as "we're better than you bcs we don't believe" including yesterday when a couple moms posted a link to all of these verses about false prophets and connecting Christmas w/the devil. I had to choose not to let it bother me because we did so many things season to celebrate Jesus's birthday. There's nothing I would have changed about what we did by removing something or adding more because we did what worked for us and in a way that we felt honored God.

When my son was little, we talked about whether or not to introduce Santa, but my husband and I both grew up with Santa and it's a fun tradition that both of our families did while still celebrating Christ's birth. To me, it never took away from the meaning of Christmas because my parents were so intentional about making it about Christ's birth the entire year/season, not just doing 1 or 2 Christ-centered activities on Christmas Day. It was like Santa was part of the birthday celebration like we give gifts to each other on our birthdays. It was never the main focus, but it WAS a part of our childhood and I don't feel like we were worse off because of it.

I found a Christmas kids book that talks about St. Nick and who he was and how he died and how the Santa tradition got started and then it leaves it up to the parent to decide if there's a Santa still today or not. Last year, my son thought he could just pray about his wish list bcs God would tell Santa what he wanted and Santa could deliver it. This year, my son was a bit confused about whether or not there was a real Santa, but we always came back to questioning if Santa (or any person) can really see if we're sleeping, awake, good or bad and tied it all in w/God's character. We've talked about how the real St. Nick is dead but we still carry on fun traditions that help us remember Christ's birth and remember each other and try to leave some surprises like the real St. Nick did.

In our Advent tree this year, we not only did a fun surprise (gift, Christmas activity/event, etc.), but I included a little slip of paper w/a gift for God that all of us had to seek to do every day. Wasn't sure if it was going to work and the response to it, but the second week into it, it was such a challenge to me and just another way to be intentional about Christmas. We had fun "writing" our own praise song to God as a family and singing it to Him, surprising each other w/a kind deed, adding something special to our prayers, etc.

I was surprised at how often my son would give that gift without any prompting from us because it was something he wanted to do for God! I learned some new things about my child in the process and how much he thinks about God but needs guidance and practical instruction to help him carry out his beliefs. He didn't realize he could sing his own praises to God and I didn't realize he got so frustrated over not remembering the words to the songs he was learning in church! To me, I thought that worship was a given/natural, but I'm really seeing where children need us to get back to the basics and teach them about worship rather than assume they know all of our Christian "jargon". To me, these moments of creativity or surprise or spontaneity of giving our gifts to God each day are what made Christmas for us! It was special on Christmas morning in the midst of opening up Santa's presents that my son stopped to thank us and thank God for the gifts and for "Jesus being born" because it was as if all the gift giving to God this season prepared him for Christmas day (if that makes sense).

I think about the stumbling block verses in the Bible and then the one where all things are lawful but not all things are profitable (I Cor. 10:23) and think about how only we know our hearts and families and see what's going on both day in and day out. What works for one family, may not work for the next. Maybe doing Santa is a stumbling block for some but on the flip side, all the posts against Santa are equally a stumbling block. Think at the root of it should be love, not judgment and we have seen way more judgment this year than in years past over Santa and Halloween/church fall festivals.  Maybe it comes w/the homeschooling territory, but I just keep coming back to the fact that God has guided us so many times in the past and that He'll give us that small gut feeling if we're not putting Him in His rightful position and need to make adjustments along the way. 

This Christmas really showed me that there is a way to do Santa while still honoring God (and not lying to your children) and making sure that God remains the focus! Kinda feel like if you're spiritually training your children all along, then celebrating Christmas shouldn't be an issue, that you'll know how to naturally talk about Christ's birth among all the fun traditions (take advantage of the teachable moments). And, one thing I discovered by looking at all the FB pictures is that most of the families who don't do Santa, still do some form of it whether it's just stockings or giving as many gifts as we gave our child--rather from the parents, not from Santa. Am seeing that it's all in the name and what you want to call it, not so much the gift-giving tradition itself. Interesting ...

While there is a ton of debate and many would debate what I just said, take it for what it's worth and enjoy the moments and lead your family how God is leading you and your husband. I've been blown away by just how conservative the homeschooling world is in some areas but not in others. It's like everything else...we've gotta put our blinders on and look to God only and know that no one else knows the inner workings of our own families like we (and God) do!

The Desert Times

"Is this the emotional me or the Spirit-seeking me?" Such a thought-provoking question from a cherished friend!  It's one I've been asking myself over the past month as we have been faced with unexpected challenges in keeping our severely allergic child safe at church.  It has woken our family up and jolted us into action in such a way that I can't help but wonder if this is God's way of moving us a step closer to His plan. 

Life has changed so much for us over the past six months after I experienced true ministry burn out and dealt with my mom's, sister's and even my own health crises.  I have wandered so far into the desert at times that I didn't know if I could cry out to God one more time only to hear complete and utter silence, an echo of nothingness.  But through the silence, questions, heart aches and tears, I had to chose to trust that He was there if nothing else.

The desert is lined with moments where I couldn't trust any more and moments where quite a battle was fought for trust and the victory was sweet.  And the desert is where I needed to go so that I could begin to strip everything of me away in order to discover who God truly is.  The desert is where I've been the weakest, but the desert is also where I've been the strongest.   

Though I'm still wandering through that desert, there is new-found purpose with each step...a purpose that comes from being alone in the desert long enough to taste surrender, hope and renewed vision.  The sun is shining brighter and the journey is more tolerable because my will to fight is gone.  In place of the fight comes a renewed sense of conviction, a new sense of boldness and the continuing urgency to make tough, life-altering decisions that keep our family growing instead of dying (haha...literally not just spiritually).  God has been showing us as a family what hills to stand on and which ones to die on--what is most important and what is trivial in the light of the Kingdom.

There is a distinct reason why Joshua 1:9 kept appearing in the randomest of places around town or nearly every time I logged on to Facebook or hotmail or turned on the radio!

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”

The latest verse that is now before me nearly every time I turn around is Isaiah 43:18-19 (one of my favorites!):

“Do not remember the former things, nor consider the things of old.  Behold, I will do a new thing, now it shall spring forth; Shall you not know it?  I will even make a road in the wilderness and rivers in the desert."

There is a distinct reason why God is leading me (and my family) to the rivers after all of this time of wandering.  The beauty and depth of each river reminds us of His provision and care.  The river's peaceful flow urges us press on yet in God's strength.  The river offers a quiet place to rest after such a weary journey.  And the river promises us continued life, passion and ministry...all has not been snuffed out because we are stuck in this desert place. 

And, as I keep wandering in the desert and consciously choosing to trust, the faint outline of a road begins to appear.  I see it on the horizon but it's not yet my time to journey down that road.  Until that road is within reach, I will choose to keep wandering because I know what God has done, can do and wants to do.  I will choose to enjoy the scenery and unexpected blessings of being in the moment so that I can keep sharing God's love in the most unusual or creative or most mundane of ways (don't even ask...it's been crazy but amazing).  And I will choose to stay open to the people God keeps placing in our path as we are finding ourselves surrounded by more people in the desert than we ever found in plenty. 

Maybe running into these safety roadblocks at church and having to make decisions for the safety of our child is the Spirit giving us the courage to do what is right and to do what He has prepared for us as a family and as individuals.  I have no clue where God is leading or what He is doing, but I know that this time in the desert is preparation and rest for that road in the wilderness.  I see the Spirit most clearly here because the emotions are being sifted and rooted out to where I'm finally to the place where I am thankful for this journey in the desert!