A Tribute to My Grandpa

My grandpa passed away on Monday, December 18, 2017, and this is what I shared at his Celebration of Life service the following week. 

Every time we had a school project to do on a hero, my grandpa was the first person I’d go to. The little journalist in me filled my steno-book with questions as I interviewed my grandpa about his days in the Navy, life aboard a ship, the Korean War, and his work at the shipyard. He’d joyfully answer my questions and I took great pride in recording his answers and crafting the perfect presentation to share with my teacher and my classmates because I wanted everyone to know about my grandpa. I wanted my class to know about his bravery, his dedication, his strength, and his faith—for that is what made my grandpa such a hero in my eyes.

Now, fast forward 30 years and I feel like that same little girl today who earnestly wants you to see the greatness that I see in my grandpa. Yet words seem so inadequate because no words can describe the bond that we shared as I was his #1 (he’d always call me that bcs I was his first grandchild.)

My grandpa was the only one I could sit and have a conversation with and never utter a word and I’d leave thinking that was one of the best conversations we’ve ever had. He was an introvert like me and all throughout my life, my favorite times with him centered around sitting together in silence. No words were needed because love, acceptance, and support spoke louder than words. However, when my grandpa did speak, his words were deep, truthful, thankful, and always pointed back to God both in the good and bad times. He enjoyed talking about what God was teaching him and how it intersected with his life. He loved to share memories of my grandma, my mom, and even me and my sister in our younger days and he always shared how He saw God working in our lives. My grandpa was very thankful for his salvation and always spoke of the fact that he was a first-generation Christian. He didn’t grow up knowing God like we did, so every day was a new discovery for him and he tried to live faithfully to God in all that he did.

My grandpa was a strong leader, but also a silent leader. He knew how to command attention with his presence yet he knew how to gently shepherd each heart in his care.

My grandpa’s strength was heard across a room or a sanctuary as he opened his voice to sing or to pray. He sang and prayed with such gusto, conviction, and love for God that everyone knew he believed every word that he sang or spoke.

His strength was seen in the way he led our family as he cherished my grandma, faithfully prayed for each one of us, intentionally spoke God’s Word to us as we shared our lives with him, and consciously praised God for both the trials and the blessings.

What I enjoyed about my grandpa was that he was as serious about life as I was. He was always willing to talk deeply and would explore different ideas with me whether it was something spiritual or envisioning what God could do in ministry or an intriguing subject at school or figuring out motherhood. He always listened to whatever I had to say as if it was the most important thing that could be said in that moment for he knew the gift and joy of being present in the moment without distractions. My grandpa is the one that taught me the most about what God must be like and his example continually pushed me to search for more of God because I wanted to be a wise person of strength just like him.

            Yesterday, Psalm 100:5 really jumped out at me—“For the Lord is good and His faithful love endures forever; his faithfulness through all generations.” This is something my grandpa believed. He was able to be faithful to God because he experienced God’s faithfulness for himself.

I used to wonder what does God’s faithfulness look like and can God be as faithful to me as He has been to my grandpa and then I look at what all as has unfolded since my grandpa died last week. Less than 12 hours after we buried my grandpa, my husband was in the ER with heart attack symptoms. 24 hours after that, we were back in the ER and admitted overnight. It seemed so surreal to be going through all of this because I was still trying to grasp the fact that my grandpa is gone. But this is where I got to experience that same faithfulness my grandpa so often spoke of. God’s faithfulness showed up in His peace and comfort. And He is showing up in all the ways that our friends, family, and church family are loving us and taking care of us. God was in the details already knowing that this is too much for one family to handle, but yet He faithfully provided ways for us to walk through it.

In that long night at the hospital, I couldn’t help but think about the many times my grandpa sat by my grandma’s side, loving her, watching her, praying over her, and reading His Bible to help both of them get through as I did the same thing with my husband. And once again, my grandpa’s example of strength challenged me to keep seeking God and looking for His faithfulness and that is what allows me to stand here before you today.

Because God was faithful to my grandpa, my grandpa lived a life of faithfulness to Him. Because of my grandpa’s faithfulness, 3 generations of our family have been able to know God and have been invited to experience the faithfulness of God, too.

Anyone related to my grandpa is very familiar with his heart’s desire and it’s found in 3 John 1:4—“I have no greater joy than this: to hear that my children are walking in truth.” My grandpa knew the truth, walked in the truth, and died in truth knowing that he will not only be with my grandma but with his Heavenly Father forever and he wants that same truth to be our truth!

My grandpa’s life teaches us that, real strength comes from walking in the truth. That truth is ONLY found in the Word of God and through the Holy Spirit weaving that Word into our lives. That kind of truth goes far beyond church attendance, ministry involvement, and keeping up a polished Christian image. The kind of truth my grandpa lived by was a day-to-day, step-by-step kind of truth as he sought after God and banked on God’s love and faithfulness to get him through everything.

So while the little journalist in me knows to conclude this by repeating the topic sentence of why my grandpa is my hero, what I really want to say is that his death brings a loss that I have never known before. He has been such a rock to me throughout my 40 years. But while the tears and heartache will last for awhile, my grandpa taught all of us who knew him everything we need to know to make it here without him. He didn’t leave us empty-handed and lost, but rather he continues to encourage us to live and thrive by fulfilling the simple affirmation of  3 John 1:4—“I have no greater joy than this: to hear that my children are walking in truth.”

Theologian Albert Barnes from the 1800s writes “There is nothing that would give more peace to the dying pillow of the Christian parent [or grandparent], than to be able to leave the world with the assurance that his children would always walk in truth." That is all my grandpa ever wanted from us. May we remember that, and may we seek after truth and live to experience God’s faithfulness just like he did!      

When the Old Becomes New Again

Do you know how you read familiar Bible passages over and over again and then one day, it’s like you are reading that same passage for the first time ever? That happened to me last week. Actually, I was reading through several books of the Bible for my New Testament class and lost track of where I was and ran across this passage:

             

“The older women likewise, that they be reverent in behavior, not slanders, not given to much wine, teachers of good things—that they admonish the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, to be discreet, chaste, homemakers, good, obedient to their husbands, that the word of God may not be blasphemed.”

It’s embarrassing to admit how many times I’ve shared this passage in various women’s groups. But up until now, it’s always been shared as a challenge to older women and how much we, as younger women, need them and their example. We need them to pour into us and to show us how to live godly lives through mentoring. I had it down to a science what they needed to do for us not realizing that time has a way of sneaking upon us causing the tables to turn.

Yet as I read that passage last week, my pen went crazy underlining different parts of it. I began wondering why I had never read these verses before and then checked the reference. My mouth fell open in shock as I discovered it was Titus 2:3-5, the most famous mentoring passage ever! Wait, what?!?! How could that be especially when it's been the basis of several devotionals/lessons I've shared over the years???

It was the first time I ever viewed Titus 2 with “old woman" eyes. I’m no longer that young one craving instruction in these areas (although there will always be women I look to as mentors and will continually glean from), but rather I’m the older woman with younger women in my care…six of them to be exact. Six lively and talented preteens had just spent that morning with me and their faces came to mind as I read these verses.

It suddenly became scary to read some of these things and to see my responsibility to them. They are the younger women wanting an older woman to invest them, to show them the way, and to point them to God in the ways that I was pointed to Him through the lives of many older women in my church. 

The list in Titus 2:3-5 instructs as well as convicts, yet it all boils down to gospel-centered living. Am I living out the gospel every single day of my life so that “the word of God may not be blasphemed”? Because if I’m living out the gospel, it will reflect in the things I do, in the ways I talk to and about others, in the ways I love and care for my own family, and in the ways I act and react to life.

As God keeps using my seminary classes to help me work out what it really means to live out the gospel daily, may He also give me “old woman" eyes so that I can be a part of building the church and building future generations of the church.

Going Cold Turkey

What is blue and white, sucks hours out of your day, feeds drama into your life, builds convenient relationships, and creates a love-hate relationship with it? That about sums up my feelings on Facebook lately. Facebook is such a powerful tool for connecting people, encouraging others and praying for others, but it's also a powerful tool designed to distract, withdraw, and disguise reality.

When my child wants to write to Santa and tell him that his Christmas wish is that his mama doesn't use Facebook or her iPhone on Christmas and your husband isn't too far behind in sharing those same sentiments, you know there's a problem and it's time to really step back and examine what's going on and why.

*sigh* Yeah, I enjoy my iPhone--it keeps me connected to so many people during the day, but it's also the biggest distraction in my life. It's what I go to when I'm bored, tired, need a break, need a distraction. It's where I vent when I'm frustrated, share when I'm happy, and just talk about whatever whenever not stopping to think if anyone really cares or not. 

But mainly, Facebook is one of those things that numbs your mind. It's where I can go and not think about anything. I can catch up on the latest on everyone's lives and watch kids grow up while keeping my distance. I can paint a vivid picture of my life that is true but it's not the overriding disposition of my life. I can learn a lot from various leadership organizations, ministries, leaders, and news and political groups. They fuel my hunger to learn new things (plus they help me retain the Quote Queen title for my love of quotes since FB is full of them), but then there are times when it all is pure information overload.

But there is a trade off with Facebook. You know as well as I do that it's super hard to go on Facebook for just five minutes. Five turns into ten and ten into 30 and 30 into an hour and before you know it, another evening has gone by and my house still isn't clean and my to-do list is still just as long as it was this afternoon.

And there just comes a point when I have to say enough. Change isn't going to happen while reading another article or quote about it on Facebook. My child is growing up. My husband is wanting more time with me. My brain is fried yet again because I have spent it on many different things throughout the day and then gave the rest of it to others on Facebook...others who are sitting on the other side of the computer screen, others who I will never meet in person, others who would never do more than post a generic "Happy Birthday!" every year. And where do you draw the line? When do you wake up and realize that you are surrounded by so many awesome people? And that maybe the reason why you don't have the time and energy to give to them is because you're too busy giving it away on Facebook?

I can't do this anymore...life is passing me by as I use Facebook to hide, escape, numb, and keep people at a distance. Life happens beyond my screen yet I'm not seeing it while I'm checking Facebook "one more time." Issues keep piling up because I'd rather see what everyone else is up to rather than deal with my own things. Discontent lurks nearby as I see what opportunities others have that I could have, too, but can't because of the season of life I'm in. Comparison makes me feel inadequate as I see others succeed, acquire, or achieve and it further breeds that discontent.

And then I'm tired of telling people on Facebook, "Sure, let's get together soon!" yet two and three years later, we're still saying the same thing. We still haven't gotten together because we don't have time to get together, yet we're always on Facebook at the same times...hmmmmmmmmm.

Maybe it takes a child's wish to Santa to get me to just stop ... stop and see what is going on ... stop and see where the underlying source of breeding discontent ... stop and see that there are people right in front of me--in person--that desperately want me, not a Facebook me. They want to be a part of my life, not read about my life. They want to do all the fun activities with us, not see more pictures about them. They want to just talk, not write everything out in a PM in text language. 

What if I used all the Facebook time (and it's embarrassing to see how much time checking it here and there really adds up to be in one day) to do something that matters in person? What if I used that time to check in with my family? What if I used that time to just pray instead of post everything I'm thinking, feeling, and seeing on Facebook? What if I used that time in some kind of profitable way that served others around me instead of use Facebook to serve me?

Sometimes we just have to stop ... and last night, I didn't know of any other way to create change than to just deactivate my Facebook account (and oh, does FB ever try to lure you back in before you even deactivate). Something has got to give. If I'm serious about wanting more of God and more of family, I have to remove the things that are keeping me from the more. Facebook just happens to be that thing as it is the biggest time and energy drainer in my life. I don't know, I just need to try it and see what happens. It's almost been 24 hours since deactivation and I have to admit that today was amazing with my family. We were very productive, I was attentive, and everyone received what they wanted and needed from me--my undivided attention. Kudos to those who can get on Facebook and not get sucked into the world of Facebook, but I'm not one of those people. I just know I can't keep on this current path of being sucked into a Facebook world without sacrificing those I love the most and missing out on precious moments of my child's fleeting childhood.

And the funny part is that out of all of my Facebook friends and family, only two texted/emailed me today to make sure everything was okay. And those are the ones I'm close to outside of Facebook--our relationship extends beyond Facebook. It was very reaffirming that this is the right choice for now! There is such sweetness in face-to-face relationships over Facebook relationships and that sweetness and richness quickly erases any second thoughts of deactivation.

A Tribute to My Grandma

These are the words I shared at my grandma's celebration/memorial service on Saturday.  This is what I always want to remember about her.

Musician. Writer. Innovator. Encourager. Hostess. Servant. Listener. Learner. Giver. Godly....these are just a few of the qualities I always admired about my grandma.

Musician – There was always a song in my grandma’s heart for she loved to praise God whether through singing or through the piano. It wasn’t until high school that I realized that families don’t sing at every get together like we did. However, it was my favorite to sit back and listen to my grandma play the piano and hear my grandpa sing. We’ve spent our lives watching them praise God together as a couple. Her love for music has been passed down to three generations as we’ve all learned how to play the piano from her…even my son was able to get in a few beginning piano lessons with her. Music and worship was as important to my grandma as breathing was to her.

Innovator – My grandma always had courage to go against the grain and to blaze her own trail. She knew how to weed out the unimportant and to see what was needed in order to more effectively serve God. She never let her age or her health stop her. She followed God in new paths, always sensitive to His leading whether it was to start or to take over a ministry or to invest her time into people. She was always creative with her ideas and gave people experiences to remember long after the program was over.

Writer – My grandma was never short on words. What she didn’t speak, she wrote. I’ll never forget the time when I was in high school and we were comparing manuscripts for books that we each were writing (oh man, they were pretty rough and at times, cheesy). If she wasn’t writing for a ministry newsletter or sending cards to others, she was composing songs for people as a way to celebrate special occasions and to let them know how special they were. It was fun having a grandma who got excited over writing as much as I did. She wrote the Young at Heart newsletter up until her death. She didn’t just write, she poured her heart into what she wrote. I’m really going to miss her phone calls for help because she can’t get a photo scanned in just right or because she lost another file on the computer.

Hostess – My grandma is known for her fun and for unknowingly being the life of a party. Her laughter was always contagious. As I reflect back on her life, she showed me much about the importance of taking the time to laugh and connect with others because mainly, people just want to belong and they want to be loved. She had a knack for making people feel welcome whether it was at church or in her home. And when grandma had a theme for a party or ministry event, she went all out with that theme in the decorations, paper goods, games, prizes and even in her dress! She always did it right and did it well for she saw it as a reflection of Christ and an opportunity to glorify Him.

Servant – All my life, my grandma has served her church and served others. She knew how to bring others along with her and we watched her teach them how to serve God through her passion for Him and her example. She was always doing things with purpose and that purpose was to share God’s love and hope with others.

Godly – I could always count on my grandma to be consistent in her faith. She never wavered on the things that really mattered even if it meant ridicule. Something changed in her over the past year as she became proof that age is irrelevant when it comes to our relationship with God. I’ve watched her faith grow and blossom into something that goes far beyond routine and into something vibrant, dynamic and peaceful. My grandma’s life exemplifies Psalm 119:92-93 (The Message translation) which says, “If Your revelation hadn’t delighted me so, I would have given up when the hard times came. But I’ll never forget the advice You gave me; You saved my life with those wise words.”

As my grandma grew in God, she traded attitudes and mindsets that no longer mattered for a more heavenly perspective. We watched her joy become fuller and her peace become deeper as she trusted God regardless of what was going on inside of her body. She showed us what it meant to live in grace and how to die with grace. She showed us that life is full when it’s lived in Christ and that nothing can compare to a life with Him both here on earth and now in heaven.

The other day when I told my son that his great grandma went to heaven to be with Jesus, his face lit up with pure delight and wonder as he was excited that she was with Jesus, for even at his young age, he knew that is where his great grandma wanted to be the most. He was able to see her strong faith and then see her hope realized.

My grandma’s life and faith challenge me to proudly embrace all the ways that I am so much like her, to honor her legacy through the way that I live my life, to keep developing my musical and creative talents so I can use them to point others to Christ like she did, to keep my heart open and ready to share God’s love and encouragement with others regardless of opposition or cost, and to hunger after God and see that He is above all else

To the grandchildren, spouses, and great grandchildren:

I’ve been thinking a lot about our family tree lately, and God keeps bringing me back to the tree that is pictured in Psalm 1:1-3: 

Blessed is the man that walketh not in the counsel of the ungodly, nor standeth in the way of sinners, nor sitteth in the seat of the scornful.
2 But his delight is in the law of the LORD; and in his law doth he meditate day and night.
3 And he shall be like a tree planted by the rivers of water, that bringeth forth his fruit in his season; his leaf also shall not wither; and whatsoever he doeth shall prosper.

This is what grandma spent her life showing us. This is her secret to a full life. And this is how a godly legacy gets passed down from one generation to the next. I challenge each of you to consider her life and her consistent testimony and decide what kind of family tree you want to be.

fear // five minute friday

Five Minute Friday (#FMFparty) gives writers a word prompt. We are encouraged to write whatever comes to mind about that word in just five minutes.  No editing, no perfection, only writing from the heart.  To find out more, visit http://katemotaung.com/five-minute-friday/.  This week's word is "FEAR".

No worries...I haven't forgotten about FMF. Life happened. We had our state homeschool Convention June 11th-13th and early in the morning on the 14th, my grandma unexpectedly died. This past week has been one big blur in which we cried, rejoiced, cried some more, and rejoiced some more for she is with Jesus and no longer suffering.

Psalm 23:4 and 6 says, "Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me." "Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life; and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever."

My grandma exemplified this verse. She did not fear death for her heart was already with Jesus. She lived her days to live for Him and she lived to be with Him.

There is so much to her death that is so fresh in my mind...so much that I don't know how to put into words...so much about her that I will miss and am scared I will forget.

There is so much of me that just wants to have that final hug, to have that final conversation, to share one more prayer, to have had the chance to say good-bye like the rest of my family did. Yet, God is faithful. He has given me so many gifts throughout my grandma's death this week to let me know that He knows these unfulfilled desires. And one by one, I've seen Him fulfill these desires in unique and special ways that speak of His unwavering love for me. He has given me strength, peace, and comfort like I've never experienced. And most of all, He's given me hope in fresh ways for in her death, there is much life, healing, and freedom.

My heart and emotions have been all over the place because while there is much sorrow, there is much beauty. Fear is replaced with assurance. Insecurity is replaced with surety. Legalism is replaced with relationship. And what once was, no longer is...in many different areas. God renews. God redeems. God restores...even in death.

Futile Google Search

The other day I googled "living with a deaf family member" in attempt to find something that would tell me how I'm supposed to deal with all the mixed emotions that come with watching a family member lose their hearing. There is a lot of surface "how-to's" that talk about caring for a deaf person, but nothing that delves into the emotions of it and how it affects the entire family. I want to know someone else has been there and survived, and I want to know how you navigate the changing landscape. How do you move beyond the big elephant in the room that everyone keeps dancing around and pretending doesn't exist? I don't know! And probably most of these answers will come day by day as we walk this journey alongside this family member.

Five years ago, my sister was diagnosed with NF2 which is a disease where benign tumors grow along the nerves of the brain and spine. As they grow, the tumors rob the nerve they are wrapped around of that body function. Most NF2'ers end up deaf, paralyzed, blind, dead. There isn't a cure for NF2, removed tumors can grow back, and the doctors tend to leave the tumors untouched until they start causing noticeable side-effects. In some ways, my sister is a miracle because she had a normal childhood and her diagnosis wasn't made until she was 30 as her symptoms progressed.

During my sister's second surgery, the doctors cut her auditory nerve in order to remove a tumor that was wrapped around it which meant that she would no longer be able to hear from that ear ever again. It's been several years and we've watched her adjust to living with one hearing ear (which functions at less than half of its hearing capacity). Over time, the struggle to adjust between living in the hearing world and living in the deaf world became apparent. We've been told it's a matter of time before she loses complete hearing in her good ear. Because the auditory nerves will be severed, there is no way she can use a cochlear implant--it's just pure silence (minus the incessant ringing in her ears). And I think the doctors are right as it seems like her hearing is diminishing at a rapid pace. I've seen so many changes in her hearing over the past four months that I feel like I don't know what to say or do (and there's nothing really that I can say or do because I'm powerless to do anything to stop it).

I always thought I would have time to learn sign language. But it's been two years since the first family sign language class and I've yet to attend a second class. I quit after the first class because I refused to believe that my sister would ever become deaf. I didn't want her to become deaf and I didn't want to see her embracing it for it meant it was real and it was inevitable. I couldn't handle it emotionally and thought I would have plenty of time to learn sign language. And I mistakenly thought I could just learn it when it was time and that God would somehow instantly let me know it (yeah, right!!). But that time is ever close and all I can do is finger-spell.

I see changes in my sister that scare me for I know her world has changed and is still changing upside down. I don't know how you live every day knowing you have literally "too many tumors to count". I don't know how you live every day with constant ringing in your ears without losing your mind!  And I don't know how isolating it is to not fit in the hearing world and to not fit in the deaf world because you're neither hearing or deaf...you're somewhere in between. At church, she can't understand the sermons and prayers of the hearing church nor can she fully understand the sermons/prayers of a signing church. 

It still breaks my heart when I see people try to talk to her and she has no idea that they are talking to her from the cashiers to customers to salespeople to family. It makes me sad when she gets that lost look in her eyes in the middle of a family conversation because she's trying hard to keep up but can't. And my heart just goes out to her when she thinks she's heard something and it was not what was said at all and she then starts talking about something totally unrelated to the conversation. No one knows what to say and there is awkward silence as eyes dart around trying to figure out what to say next and she can tell from everyone's faces that she got it wrong.

I've watched friends and even family distance themselves from her because they don't know how to communicate with her. And there have been days when I've done the same thing because I'm afraid that if I could say what I really wanted to say, it would make us all cry (or even scream, "It isn't fair!!"). I just want to protect my little sister and make everything all better for her, but I can't. It still scares me to think about what it's going to be like when she can't hear us at all, when she can't hear ANYTHING at all. How do you go from a life of hearing everything to a life of hearing nothing?

And then God reminds me of some incredible ladies that I've met over the past couple years in the homeschooling world who are deaf. They have shown me that they are every bit daughters of Christ, full of life and potential, as they impact their world in so many ways for Christ. They are strong, awesome moms who know how to rise above their limitations. They don't let deafness stop them nor does their deafness define them. They roll with the punches and have embraced the life that God has given them. They pull together in the discouraging times and have created a community of love and support so they are not alone. This is what I hope and pray for my sister! It wasn't a coincidence at all that over three years ago at our first homeschool support group meeting, a beautiful, vivacious mom walked in and explained that she was deaf and her battery on her cochlear implant was about to die. She left me sitting there dumbfounded. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry, for the timing of our meeting was so God-ordained. God knew I needed her to show me that life still goes on, hearing or not. And God knew that my sister needed her for she has taught my sister everything she knows about signing and assimilating into the deaf culture.

Maybe instead of googling "living with a deaf family member", reflecting on the verse that has defined my sister's NF2 journey would be more beneficial. "Come and see the works of God; He is awesome in His doing toward the sons of men." Psalm 66:5. God has provided for her (down to frog-buttoned pjs for her brain surgery) and continues to perform little miracles along the way as shown on every MRI and doctor's visit. It's never easy watching those you love suffer, but maybe it'd do us some good if we observed those who are suffering and see how they have the faith to keep going day after day when the prognosis never changes. And maybe rather than wallow in the overwhelming emotions of it all, we need to make ourselves "Come and see the works of God" regardless of our feelings. For it is when my focus is directed back on God that I remember His goodness, His hope, and His power to heal. 

Finding Our Way Back...Even If It Means Wearing a Dress

For the first 21 years of my life, I was raised with living up to a standard and given the Christian Code of Conduct.  You live a certain way, talk a certain way, behave a certain way and dress a certain way.  You never have a chance to really think for yourself because you become what you believe without really believing it.  You are immersed in the culture you are surrounded in, never doubting it because you have nothing else to compare it to.  The "why" is lost through routine and the "want to" is more like a "have to".

Then suddenly, one day you wake up as a young adult and realize that you don't have to do those things any more.  You are free to do whatever you want.  You begin to make little decisions that seem to have no consequence and lead you to a better, less-restricted life.  Over time, you become less and less like you once were yet still believing in the same God yet questioning the validity of minor aspects of the "Christian Code of Conduct" while still hanging on to the major beliefs.  Some changes are due to maturing into adulthood and others are because you never understood the why behind it all. 

Years later, as you are well into adulthood, something happens that shakes you to your core as you realize just how far you've really strayed from those childhood days.  You begin to see where little choices made over the years pulled you toward a man-made ideal or a feel-good standard.  You are living a good life that seems overtly godly, but you are still missing the why.  You begin to see where little compromises in the gray areas led you that much further away without even realizing it.  You see where areas that had once been open to God had become shut because it became about you and you dictating that relationship with God rather than developing that relationship with God.  It became about relevancy rather than reverence, about succeeding in ministry rather than the sacredness of the church.  It became about comfort rather than claiming the things that set us apart as Believers, and about trying to fit Christianity into our culture rather than living out the Word without compromise.

During our church search, we saw so many different things.  We saw where churches worshipped God and where they worshipped self.  We saw how they responded to needs or how they scoffed at needs.  We saw where they embraced the community and actively served the community and then where they wanted to reach out to the community but just as long as the community stayed outside of the church doors.  We were left wondering where God wanted us and what He wanted us to learn from all of this. 

Back in March, we walked in the door of one church where I was instantly transported back to the first 21 years of my life.  I saw the standard and Code of Conduct.  I saw the dress (aka real dresses...like something I gave up wearing after I got my BJU diploma because I discovered the freedom of wearing pants to church and that wearing pants to church didn't change my Christianity)!  I saw the once-familiar culture that could easily become routine once again...a routine I don't want my child to know because I want him to know the richness of relationship over routine.  Yet, it was the place were I felt most at home.  For the first time since my SC days, my heart finally felt at home.  We found our way back into the culture that we had, choice by choice, moved so far away from without realizing it.

I first knew something was different when I realized the sacredness and reverence of each service.  There was seriousness and depth that stemmed from being in the Word, not just talking about the Word.  I didn't realize how much we were craving that reverence until we could name it that Sunday we visited.  In a society that is far from God as it can get, I want church to be respite from it all--a place where we can rest and not have to fight against culture for the three hours we are in there; a place that challenges you to be set apart and that will encourage you to live to the higher standard found in God's Word--that is the norm, not the rarity.

There is so much found in the leadership of this church that is godly, respectable and peaceable.  The leaders are praying together and striving to do what is right before God and their families.  The men are in charge and they are taking on the leadership in their church and in their homes.  The women aren't running the show nor destroying the show with their idle talk and poisonous gossip (if it's there, I'm not privy to it and want to keep it that way).  And this church tells you upfront that they are not perfect but that they are learning and growing together ... it's more of a journey together rather the air of "We've already arrived, sorry you haven't!" that we've encountered in several other churches.  We want to be a part of a learning and growing culture where there is seriousness and depth centered around God's Word not only in the adult program but the children's program as well.   

We found a women's Bible study where small talk is obsolete because that social time is spent learning from the Word.  The study is centered around pure Truth because Bibles are opened rather than the study guides.  The discussion isn't about how you feel but rather what God says and His desired response.  It's what Bible study used to be before it evolved over the years, before the Beth Moores and the Priscilla Shirers where bandwagon triumphs the Bible.

On Sunday, I wore my first skirt to church in over 9 years.  My child had no clue what in the world I was wearing but even he knew it signaled something special.  Of course, he and his father were hilarious in lavishing me with compliments.  But for the first time in years, I felt like church WAS special.  I also didn't feel out of place between my two guys who go to church every Sunday looking their best in dress shirts and ties.  I've been waiting for the day when my child would ask me, "Mom, why do you make me wear a tie when you wear your black jeans and don't dress up with us?"  But since we've been at this church and through observing what goes on during the services, Sundays are special once again because we are remembering that we serve a Holy God that deserves more than we can give.  So why am I so resistant about wearing a dress/skirt?  Surely what I wear shouldn't affect my relationship with God...and it doesn't.  Yet it is those hidden heart attitudes that I've held on to all of these years (stubbornness, lack of submission, selfishness, etc.) that surface every single time I walk into that church.  God is urging me to see the scaredness of His house like I saw it as a child and to allow my family the pure joy of having one special day every week that is set aside just for God, not just simply go to church.
  
Yet this time, instead of church being routine or an assumed culture, it's a chosen way of life based on conviction and grace.  Over the past two years, homeschooling has revealed God's design for our family and for His people.  We have been challenged to a higher standard of living and have seen God help us develop the backbone needed to make tough decisions that help us fall in line with His Word and to endure the ridicule and gossip that go along with that.  It only seems fitting that God would lead us to a church that raises the bar and that challenges and supports us to live holy lives before God.  This is what we want for our family yet with the hopes of instilling the why over rote and relationship over tradition.

Sometimes we have to go through life's trials and to learn things the really hard way so we can see a clearer picture of the way God wants us to live and act as Believers.  Do we truly represent Him or a man-made version of Him?  I Peter 1:13-15 says, "Therefore gird up the loins of your mind, be sober, and rest your hope fully upon the grace that is to be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ; as obedient children, not conforming yourselves to the former lusts, as in your ignorance; but as He who called you is holy, you also be holy in all your conduct, because it is written, “Be holy, for I am holy."  We are thankful that, through God's grace and strength, we can rise above ignorance and grow into the life which God desires of us...holiness.

The Book in the Trash Can

Several books we received with our Sonlight Core B this year have prompted more indecision than anything else as education and secular worldviews collide with Christianity. While I believe homeschool children do need to know about other religions (including famous false gods) and various theories like evolution that contradict the Bible so they may speak up for truth intelligently, I believe there is a time and a place for these discussions. 

All year long, I've felt this battle between teaching what is presented in our books versus sharing God's truth and imparting a Biblical worldview to my child.  Christians will argue all day long that our children need to know other religions, but do four, five, and six year olds need to know about other religions when they are still learning about their own God and learning the basics of John 3:16?  Do you teach your young child about statues, idols and mosques when they are still trying to figure out who God is and what church is all about?  Do you teach your young child about the Big Bang when that child is still learning that God created the world with order and the basics surrounding the Days of Creation?  Or, do you teach your young child what is true first so that they always have a foundation and point of reference (the Bible) that they can fall back on whenever theories and religions contradict what they know is true about God? 

It's fascinating to see the many answers and debates to these questions in Christian circles.  However, it seems like many people fail to take age into consideration. 

I wouldn't have thought twice about any of this and the effect of exposing children to other viewpoints at a young age until this winter when I heard my child role playing with his Lego minifigures.  His minifigures were "talking" about reincarnation and nirvana.  WHAT?!?!  No, no, NO!!!!  What happened to role playing about David and Goliath, Noah, the parables, and heaven and everlasting life?

While I thought covering world religions as presented in age-appropriate history books was "education" and what he's "supposed" to be learning (compared to public school counterparts), my child was picking up waaaay more than I thought he would.  That role playing incident opened my eyes to the fact that, as homeschoolers, we have complete say as to what our children learn and WHEN it is appropriate for them to learn it.  It made me go back to the reasons why we decided to homeschool and what we hoped to accomplish with homeschooling--knowing about world religions isn't on our list, but cultivating a relationship with Christ is.  So, if what we're allowing in our homeschool doesn't push us toward our goals, then why are we wasting time with it?  When I ran everything through that lens, it meant omitting pages in books or skipping several books altogether that contradicted what we believed.  Sometimes, it meant comparing a secular book with the Bible side-by-side in order to make sure my child can "see" and begin to understand why certain things are important.  As I reflect back on our school year, I spent more time correcting wrong ideas presented in our books than I did teaching the Truth outright (outside of Bible class and family devotions).  And while I have beat myself up for this many times this year, a situation happened today that reminded me that truth always wins and that God redeems our mistakes! 

Today, I was preparing Sonlight Core B books to sell when my child started flipping out over the Usborne "Greek Myths" book on top of the pile because we haven't read it yet.  I explained to him that it's a book full of stories about mythical gods and their adventures.  We have been exposed to plenty of religious ideas and all types of gods through our Ancient Egypt, Greece and Rome studies this year and it was time to fill our minds with things about the one true God instead.  Well, my child freaks out and respectfully but urgently asks, "Mom, why would you sell [this book] to another kid?  So he can learn about other gods?  Do you want to teach him about the other gods or the one true God?"

I admit that I thought my child was being a bit dramatic and I rationalized it away by silently thinking that it's just a book, it's untouched and I could get full price for it!  But as I continued on with preparing the books for sale, I could see my son's silent questioning glances and the wheels spinning in his head.  This is one time that I didn't pray for God to help me make the most of this teachable moment because I knew this meant laying down even more for Him.  God has been asking so much of us lately as we seek to align our lives closer to Him.  With each thing He convicts of us of and that we see that sends a mixed message about Him to our child and to others, it's like we become that much more "weirder" in the world's eyes (even in many Christians' eyes and even in our own eyes sometimes), so I was determined to hang on to that book this time!  Well, a few minutes go by and then my child speaks up with curiosity, not condemnation, in his voice, "Mom?  How important is telling others about the one true God to you?"   

All I could do in that moment was grab my child, hug him tightly, thank him for respectfully speaking the truth and then cry and pray at the same time.  When we were done praying, I asked him what he thought we should do with the book and he suggested we throw it away.  To his surprise, I handed him the book and it is now laying in the bottom of our trash can.  I quickly threw trash over it so not to be tempted to pull it out later.  As I thought about that book in the trash can, Proverbs 14:1 kept running through my mind: 

"The wise woman builds her house, but the foolish pulls it down with her hands." 

Also, Phillipians 4:8-9 came to mind: 

"Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things. The things which you learned and received and heard and saw in me, these do, and the God of peace will be with you."

Those two verses provide courage to go against the grain, even the Christian grain, and to make sure only Truth is taught in our school first.  When that truth has been established in our child's heart, then it will be time to go more in depth with evolution, world religions and other controversial topics.  This doesn't mean we get rid of every secular book in our house, but rather it means we become more discerning and intentional in what we use as our main textbooks in educating our child. 

Homeschooling.  No one tells you how much it will change YOU, not just your children.  No one tells you how much your words will come back to you through your child's own mouth as they watch to see if your words and actions make sense and question when they don't.  And no one tells you that before you can "train up a child in the way that he shall go", God will have to train you first and His training can sometimes be the most painful, heart wrenching, on-the-job training that shakes up your current way of living and pushes you into a deeper place of relationship and conviction with God and with your family! 

Moments That Make or Break

Tonight, our family was nervous about letting NoNut go to a new class at a new-to-us church with teachers we have never met before. It takes a certain level of trust to leave your severely allergic child in someone else's care.  It is life or death and we only have one chance to get it right.

While all churches say they welcome anyone, some are outright inconvenienced by children who are a little bit different while others embrace different with open arms and no outward hesitation.  We have visited churches where, after explaining the epipens and allergies and sensing feelings of inconvenience and unwillingness to deal with it, we've marched NoNut right out of the classroom to sit with us in big church.  Then we've had other churches that listened, saw beyond the allergies to the little boy that NoNut is and have embraced him and his allergies regardless of inconvenience. Those are the children's workers that have restored our faith in church and in humanity.  We never know which kind of children's workers we're going to encounter whenever we visit a church and we've visited enough churches over the past six months that nothing surprises us anymore.  

I have to admit that I was nervous all day about going to church tonight and leaving NoNut in a new class with people we didn't know.  As much as I tried to hide it, I know NoNut picked up on it for when we arrived at the church, our little guy had those big, unsure eyes.  I didn't want to look at him when he hesitated at my car door because he would see that my eyes matched his.  I didn't know what to do but what we always do whenever we encounter moments like this:  pray.  I held NoNut close and whispered a prayer of protection and courage over him. He let out a little sob as nerves were taking over and then relaxed in my arms by the end of the prayer. 

I couldn't help but silently thank God for this moment with my son...a prayerful, tender moment where we both knew that all we could do was trust God and have courage to walk into that church.  It was a mother/son moment mixed with pure vulnerability, togetherness and faith.  It was a moment that doesn't happen by chance but rather by a continual pouring into our child's life through sharing, praying, loving and discipling him...things we wouldn't have known about on a deeper level if we didn't have this homeschool journey to bring us back together as a family.   

Homeschooling can be tough at times because it is life-on-life discipleship even in the moments of struggle.  It's where faith is strengthened or hindered as your child gets a first-hand look at how you handle diverse situations.  Do you live out everything you've been teaching him or cower in fear and portray the "do as I say but not as I do" mentality?

It's like homeschooling has this built-in layer of accountability as struggles become a teachable moments that reveals something about our human nature and about the character of God.  What does it say to my child when we pray when we are nervous about new situations?  And what does it say when God heard that whispered prayer in the parking lot and answered by giving him a teacher who understands allergies and has a granddaughter who requires similar care and could reassure him (and me) that she could take care of him?

Needless to say, we will be starting off our homeschool tomorrow with even more precious moments as we praise God together as family for how God answered our prayers at church tonight.  There is just something powerful and special about going through life together as family and learning more through life moments like these than moments scripted in a textbook.

Only One Household Matters...

Last Sunday, our pastor focused on the role of women and referred to Proverbs 31.  He said one thing that rendered me speechless as the truth of that verse (and all the supporting verses that instantly rushed to mind) sunk in.  This week, I've tried not to think about the implications of that verse and even tried to rationalize it away, but the Spirit kept bringing it to mind over and over again.  There was nothing left to do but throw my hands up in resignation because it's not going way until it's addressed!  (You know how it is!)

Proverbs 31:27 -- "She watches over the ways of her household, and does not eat the bread of idleness."

The part that stuck out the most was Proverbs 31:27a as the pastor briefly mentioned that if a woman is watching over her household, she is not caught up in gossip.  Think about it, if she's watching over her own household, she doesn't have the time nor energy to get involved in the gossip, drama, mom/homeschool competition, and what's going on at so-and-so's house. 

I was floored this week to see just how much I worry about everyone else's household on top of mine and just how many things I tend to take on that aren't mine to bear.  It seemed like every time I read a Facebook status this week, I had an unwritten comment or thought for everything!  Yet this week, every time I thought something, I heard this little voice saying, "Is that watching over YOUR household or someone else's?"  *sigh* 

It was an instant red flag to stop and capture each thought.  It was rather sickening to see just how much I inwardly cast judgment or how I concerned myself with how other people are (or aren't) raising their children or how I worried about how many Christians refuse to see the light on social, political, religious and/or household issues or how much it bothered me to see so many moms wishing away these snow days and time with their children. 

It's been an eye-opening week as I fought between the old way versus God's way.  However, based on this week alone, I discovered the following things.

Whenever I watch over my own household:

• a lot of things that I think matter, really don't.
• a massive amount of mental space opens up because I'm not worried about everyone else (that also turns into physical energy).
• we have more fun because my mind is focused on my family so I'm not worried about what others think. 
• more love flows through our home because I'm not bogged down in everyone else's problems and taking that stress out on those I love. 
• my family is my priority and I can keep saying "no" because I know I'm doing what God wants me to do.
• God gives us the wisdom to know what needs of others He wants us to address versus the needs that someone else can take care of (Prov 31:20).
• I have peace and confidence that watching over my own household is a direct command from the Lord and anything (attitude, person, activity, etc.) that takes away from that is not from God.   

It'll be a battle until the full implications of Proverbs 31:27 are firmly rooted in my mind.  Until then, this is quickly becoming one of the most valuable tools in my arsenal as it helps free up my mind in big ways so I can more fully love God and love others, especially my family. 

A Different Kind of Church Split

In a world that constantly pulls families apart through busy schedules, sports, activities, education, careers and entertainment, I can't help but notice how much our churches inadvertently pull families apart as well.  While it's not intentional and usually for explainable reasons, we have been astounded at the lack of co-ed Sunday School classes or Wednesday night classes in many churches in our area.

We've been visiting quite a few churches over the months looking for a home church and had no clue just how unfamily-friendly most of our Baptist churches are.  And the sad part is, I don't even think many Christians even see what the problem is with churches offering so many men's-only and women's-only classes and the unspoken messages it sends to our children and to the world.  It blows my mind how a family of five can go to church and all five family members have their own classes to attend, from birth right through adult.  Am sure if pet sitting was available, the family dog or cat would even have a place to go as well.

Sometimes I wonder if the reason why there are so many men-only or women-only classes and hardly any couples/co-ed classes is because so many spouses go to church solo or go to church mainly for the kids programs and just attend a class while they are waiting for their kids.  Or maybe it's because of leadership as it's hard to find men or couples willing to lead a class.  Or maybe it's because we feel like we can somehow reach the community better if we divide up the groups in a church so it's not as threatening and overwhelming while at the same time failing to address the marriage crisis in America.  

For years, my husband and I have enjoyed going to church together.  It's our time to be together without the noise of the world bombarding us or trying to pull us apart.  It's our time to learn about God together and to challenge one another in the things that we have heard.  It's our time to reconnect, serve and hopefully be an example to others as we seek to serve God together as a family. 

In our normal week, my husband is gone over 40 hours a week.  When he comes home every night, we have dinner, spend time with our child before bed and then catch up on our things in the evenings before spending time together before we fall asleep.  Yet, it seems like that time together is never enough.  To me, desiring God and desiring to spend that time together with my spouse before God is so special and such a gift that it seems natural to want to go to church together, pray together, sit together and learn together.  Yet we've been discovering just how unnatural that is in today's society as we've been visiting churches that don't offer co-ed classes except for the Sunday morning worship service.  How have we as a church gotten so far away from God's original design for both the family and the church?

I was reminded this week in my son's devotions about the little boy who shared his lunch with Jesus and fed the 5,000 men plus all of the women and children that were present.  Then, I started flipping through the pages in my son's Bible and noticed that that nearly every time there was a crowd around Jesus, it wasn't segregated as the Bible gives info on the crowd makeup (men, women, children).  Sure, there were times when Jesus met alone with men or where women got together on their own, but the fact remains that whenever Jesus taught in a public crowd setting, it was a setting of all ages, genders, marital statuses and races.  Anyone who wanted to hear Jesus could come...His "pulpit" was simply open.

What would happen if our churches got back to how Jesus taught and instead of separating out the husbands and wives brought them back together to learn, worship and sit at Jesus's feet together again?  How would it strengthen and encourage marriages and families as whole instead of as individual units merely coexisting together under one roof?  These questions keep running through my mind as, once again, my husband and I found a neat church but have to enjoy it separately instead of together (or be the only couple under the age of 60 in a co-ed class). 

I don't know what the answer is, but I know that God has given our family a desire to worship Him and serve Him together and we can't afford to settle for anything less than that when it comes to church.