First, Clear My Blurred Vision (#fmfparty)

"So let's keep focused on that goal, those of us who want everything God has for us. If any of you have something else in mind, something less than total commitment, God will clear your blurred vision--you'll see it yet! Now that we're on the right track, let's stay on it." 
Philippians 3:15-16 (MSG)

We start out well, hoping for the best, expecting great things, and planning out all the things we need to do in order to be who we want to be. But not even halfway in, we get side-tracked and distracted. We see what others are (or aren't) doing or we where we can better fit in unaware that God has placed in a particular spot for a particular reason. We allow seeds of discontent, entitlement, and frustration to take root. We internalize feedback and criticism. And little by little, we lose sight of what we hoped for. Our vision becomes blurry and we begin to veer off the marked path that God set out for us because our eyes are focusing elsewhere.

Sometimes our vision becomes so blurry that all we see is what is right in front of us--ourselves! We fail to see those around us. And frankly, we even fail to see God. We forget who we are and Whose we are as we lose our way and we become absorbed into the culture around us and living out of our flesh rather than Spirit-filled hearts. Not only do we lose our vision, we lose our hearing as we blow off what people say thinking we've got it all under control and we aren't that far off track.

Yet through it all, God is calling out to us--sometimes quietly and sometimes loudly--doing what He can to get us to shift our eyes back on Him so He can clear our blurred vision. He is wanting us to remember our original goals that we started out with (see Phil 3:12-14--"I am well on my way to reaching out for Christ, who has so wonderously reached out for me....I've got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward--to Jesus.")

In our sinfulness and selfishness, we ignore God's call yet He loves us too much to let us go so He tries once again to get our attention. Lately, God has been using the brutal honesty of older and wiser friends to sharpen my vision. How grateful I am for friends who aren't afraid to speak God's Word to me and who call me out on attitudes and motives that are less than Christ-like (Galatians 6 seems to be the "theme"). They know that I desire God and to share Him through example and conduct, but I'm not living up to that in certain areas.

So while I might have ended 2015 with blurred vision, my first cry in 2016 can be for God to clear my vision so that everything I have within me refocuses on that goal and becomes poised to follow on the right track as I reach out for Christ.

* Five Minute Friday (#FMFparty) gives writers a word prompt. We are encouraged to write whatever comes to mind about that word in just five minutes.  No editing, no perfection, only writing from the heart.  To find out more, visit http://katemotaung.com/five-minute-friday/.  This week's word is "FIRST"

Birthday Eve Reflections

It's the night before my birthday--a night where I am reminded of the blessings and challenges of the year and a night where I go to bed in eager anticipation of the surprises that lay ahead, not just for tomorrow but for another year!

In some ways, I barely remember my last birthday because a lot has happened since then. This has been the year of lasts as the reality of my grandma's impending death hung in the air. It is the year that taught me the value of a moment, the importance of saying what needs to be said, and of not being afraid to love, forgive, hug, cry, and creatively survive.

It is the year where I was on a quest to pursue my "Word of the Year" of 'restore' and gained so much in return. I've experienced the hardship of peeling away the thickest and innermost onion layers that rested on the core of who I am. This was years in the making but past time to go there if I wanted to move forward. In the process, I experienced the torturing agony of still carrying things God never intended for me to carry. Yet, I experienced the freedom that comes with releasing a childhood of hurt through choosing to forgive, choosing to love, and choosing to refute all the lies that I've held on to all these years with God's truth.

This has been a year of discovery through seeing the truth as it really is whether it was totally falling flat on my face ("pride cometh before a fall" is embarrassingly true), or having trusted friends bluntly point out blind spots (ouch!), or having verses that I've read many times suddenly jump out as if it were the first time I ever read them!

This has been a year of curiosity and exploration, of answering all the "what if's" that I've had especially regarding music...what if I had grown up pursuing music? What if I had taken flute lessons? What if I had pursued singing? What if I had followed through with music instead of let fear, insecurity, and man's opinion when I was a teen and young adult keep me from being a real musician?

This year, I found myself learning new things, being stretched musically, and actually taking voice lessons. The latter has been a hoot, but it's also where I have seen so much inner restoration take place.

God has used the whole process of making music to unearth what was below the surface so that He could show me just how much He wanted to restore it so that my music comes from a place of redemption and wholeness that points to Him. I'm not totally there with all of that yet, but am getting there!

While my husband thinks I'm having some kind of midlife crisis by taking voice lessons (not flute or piano or something that didn't come out of left field like voice did), God has actually used my voice teacher to show me His heart and who He is through the way she accepts, corrects, instructs, and guides without any intention other than helping me to see how we are naturally created to praise God and sing out to Him. When I walk into voice lessons, it is one of two places in this world where I truly find no shaming, no critiquing, no competition, no comparison, no hesitation, and no perfection, only a simple desire from my teacher to show me what is needed to draw out the best and help me discover what I didn't know about God and myself through the challenge and beauty of music.

I have no clue how or why but music is what God has chosen this year to teach me the most about Him. Along with much prayer and Starbucks, music has been a way to help me cope with the stresses that come from a 24/7 life of constant vigilance over our allergy child, first-time business ownership, homeschooling (where the assignments are no longer 2+2=4 and are requiring me to actually study before presenting lessons), personal disappointments as we are another year without a baby in our arms, and dealing with the loss of two grandparents in a 14-month time span plus a very close friend. Music is something that infuses relaxation and creativity into my day. And music fuels the achiever in me as there is great satisfaction in defeating crazy timing and trouble spots, reaching notes I've never been able to reach before, and experimenting with new techniques that actually produce results (like singing and playing the flute at the exact same time--accidentally discovered it one afternoon I had a sore throat and then later learned it was a real thing). I might not be able to solve life's problems, but I am determined enough to master a challenging piece of music! It's a great way to channel my thoughts and energy into something productive and enjoyable instead of letting life and life's worries and frustrations fester until I break down or explode.

As I see my 40s quickly approaching, it makes me want to savor these last two years in my 30s. I want to be daring enough to keep trying new things (aka those things that others view as a midlife crisis) for everything is still being woven together in the details to help me fulfill the unique purposes that God has for my life (even though it may have nothing to do with the current "new thing").

^"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord,

“plans to prosper you and not to harm you, 

plans to give you hope and a future." 

Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

My "Word" for 2015

Kudos to you if you can keep your New Year's resolutions!  I can't!  The last thing I need is another list of something that I need to do, another reminder of where I'm not measuring up, and another list of goals that will be swallowed up by good intentions and the busyness of life.  Instead, I need something that is quick and easy to remember that I can pull out in a second's notice in order to determine if something brings me closer or pushes me further from God and from the person I want to become.  I need something that creates hope, inspires me, and pushes me to action.  And I need something that doesn't have predefined expectations centered around my limited faith so that God can bring about what He wants to see happen in 2015.  That is why I totally embrace the "word of the year".  This word encompasses what God is doing in my life and what I hope He continues doing, and it lends direction to where I want to go and who I want to be in 2015.

So my word for 2015 is:

RESTORE

Definition:
: to give back (someone or something that was lost or taken)
: to return (someone or something)
: to put or bring (something) back into existence or use
: to return (something) to an earlier or original condition by repairing it, cleaning it, etc.

Psalm 51:12-13

"Restore to me the joy of Your salvation, and uphold me by Your generous Spirit.  Then I will teach transgressors Your ways, and sinners shall be converted to You." (NKJV)

Psalm 51:16-17

"Going through the motions doesn't please You, a flawless performance is nothing to You.  I learned God-worship when my pride was shattered.  Heart-shattered lives ready for love don't for a moment escape God's notice."  (Message)

I love the synonyms for "restore" because God took us through the longest wilderness and we are finally on the other side of it.  I wish I could say we journeyed well through the wilderness, but the longer we stayed, the more I let it take from me and I lost myself in the journey.  However, on this side of the wilderness, there have been new seasons, new paths, new directions, and new opportunities that have taken me back to my roots--the things I enjoyed before I lost myself in the busyness and doing of ministry and the aimlessness of wandering in the wilderness.  How refreshing it's been to remember those things that I lost, to be able to make music again, to be able to go to church simply to worship God, and to find solace in things that were once fun and familiar.

Yet the more I remembered my roots and rediscovered former joys, the more I found 2014 going in a different direction than I had planned.  I freaked out because life wasn't going the way it was supposed to go.  I was straying too far from my expectations, others' expectations, and everything familiar.  It was taking me too far away from ministry as I knew it to be and it was leaving me with nothing recognizable. 

To compensate for that, I found myself in the all-to-familiar pursuit of perfection because I felt like my performance was the only thing I could control (until even that became out of my control).  Perfection at work, home, music, anything I committed to...it was exhausting and daunting.  Can't tell you how many times I quietly cried myself to sleep because I felt so high maintenance and kept getting on my own nerves...that's when you know you have a problem!

I felt like I was running in circles for nothing except to prove to myself and to others that I still have it, that I can stay in the game, that I can still juggle lots of things and come out on top, that I can still do whatever God wants me to do even though it's not "formal" ministry and there isn't any signs of formal ministry ahead.  I kept running toward the voices and expectations that others in ministry have had for me hoping that I'd run into whatever it is that God wanted for me when He's made it so clear that He has something else in mind and I keep resisting it.

However, a few weeks ago, I was floored when we began discussing Psalm 51 in our Sunday School class and God began speaking to me quite bluntly.  He began reminding me of all that He had done on the cross and what it represented.  God would send friends by to chime in with (not-so-) random thoughts about our identity in Christ.  Some friends were nosy enough to ask what's going on and to help me see what's at the root of all of this.  Through the unearthing, God began speaking even more and weaving this new theme of restoration into my life to where there's no escaping it. 

How I need to be restored -- and I love the synonyms of "restore" because they paint a picture of what I want to see happen in my life.  These words portray rest, strength and peace, not striving, manufactured faith, and running ragged to prove my capability to others.

These synomyns depict a much-needed shift that needs to happen in my mind, thoughts and actions. And they are such a great checklist for whether or not to add something into my already crammed schedule!

Psalm 51:12-13 is a process emptying myself of all that hinders me from real joy and destroying that root of pride.  And it also reminds me that God has a desired order...we cannot reach/teach others until we first are filled with Him.  Before I can make disciples, I have to be a disciple.  Before I can lead others, I must be led first. I'm giving to others what I'm being filled with...and that's a scary thought.  Am I giving the true gospel that changes lives or the man-made version that merely comforts lives?  (Yes, this is already stuff I "know" but have forgotten along the way!) 

Psalm 51:16-17 shoots down my tendencies toward perfection and performance.  All of that pales in comparison of being real before God, of knowing we are so broken and in need of Him.  But it means going beyond that place of acknowledging our need and purposefully living into what God wants us to be in Him.

Restore:  It's reconstructing what I've torn down over the years.  It's reinstating who I am in Christ and claiming it above circumstances and opinions. It's reintroducing the fundamentals of who God is and seeing His beauty and resting in His sovereignty.  It's finding those things that rejuvenate and revitalize my life...rediscovering my passions and letting go of the activities and hobbies that I simply don't enjoy in this season of life.  It's renewing my mind and replacing the defeatist thoughts and life's distractions with God's truth.  It's giving the reins back to God again so He can renew and revive my life in His ways instead of according to my agenda.  It's going back to all the things that I've learned over the years except for this time, it's purposefully letting it be more God than me.  It's purposefully living out John 3:30--"He must increase, but I must decrease."   

Restore ... it's perfect for 2015!  Sometimes, it takes way more work to restore something than it does to trash it and start from the beginning, so I love the promises God has given me in Ephesians 6:10-18, Job 23:10, Philippians 1:6, and Jeremiah 1:4-9.  Now it's time to hang on for the ride ...

My Words for 2013

I've sat down many times to write a New Year's post but the words will not come.  I don't know how to translate all the things God has been showing me into sentences and paragraphs as they have been deeply thought-provoking and requiring a life response.  To talk would cheapen His lessons and to share would be premature as He is still chipping away at a few things to make room for a better understanding.

So, simply put, here are my words for 2013--words that answer who God wants me to be this year, words that provide an instant checklist for every choice and decision, and words that push me to action:

a devoted, disciplined, decluttered disciple

It's a lot, but it's doable (yes, the letter "D" has been popping up everywhere to support these words...it's crazy)!

I love how these words give me a way to weed out bad vs. good vs. best and a way to weed out the things that don't create rhythm in my life through asking the following questions (keep in mind that nearly everything can be filled in the blanks below):

    ~  Will _____ help me become more devoted to Christ and fuel a passion for Him or will it distract me or cause me to lose my focus on Him?

    ~  Is ____ helping me be more disciplined?  (Hey, the dishes are actually getting done every night because wasting time on Facebook isn't a picture of discipline.  I'm finally making progress on my stack of books because discipline means being mindful instead of sitting mindless in front of the TV.  And I'm discovering that skipping McDonalds has more than financial benefits as healthier choices are made and I feel better.)

    ~  Do I really need _____?  (from another purse or "thing" to an attitude, emotion, activity or ministry--it makes me question why I'm hanging on to things and what is my motive)?

    ~  What would Jesus do?  As ultra-generic as this question is, if I want to follow Christ and be His disciple as well as disciple others, I want to do what He does and respond as He would out of a genuine desire for Him.

Being a devoted, disciplined, decluttered disciple is a tall order, but this is who God has called me to be this year!  I'm excited about this journey of discovering Him and intentionally making my life a testimony of what He can do when we choose to let Him!

What are your words for 2013?