The Ninja Turtle Mask Memory

Some memories will forever be etched into my mind.  These memories combine special moments with sadness, extreme empathy with tears, and despair with promises of a better tomorrow for we are not alone.

To have seen my child’s back unexpectedly explode in dots as he reacted to 16 of 20 environmental allergens in his skin test just days before Christmas sent me right back to the moment three years ago when we found out that he could potentially die if he ate another peanut.  A range of unexplainable emotions filled my heart as I saw my completely normal looking, happy-go-lucky, energetic little boy playing with his DS completely unaware of what was going on behind him.  How I wanted to hug away all the challenges that his future holds, the heartaches that will come as he experiences teasing, bullying and being selective in those he dates, and then all the hesitations I see him forming because he’s not sure if his allergies will keep him from doing something he really wants to do, again.  How I wanted to question God knowing that He can take all of this way, He can put our lives back into order and He can take this stress away.  Yet, I couldn't fully question because I know He has a distinct path for my son and our family to follow, so I found a way to trustfully question.

As much as I want to have my tantrum, I have to stop and remind myself of all the blessings that have come with all of NoNut’s allergies, of all the things that his allergies have taught us and the ways that his allergies have opened our eyes to others who struggle with things they cannot change.  It’s taught me that life isn’t always served on a silver platter like I’m used to--it’s all too real when it’s your own flesh and blood rather than a shared prayer request by someone in church.  But, his allergies have also taught me that there are moments when all we can do is cry and it’s really okay to do that.  There are moments that we will be upset.  And there are moments that we don’t know how we’re going handle these new challenges, but somehow, we simply know that God is going to help us through it even if it's one day at a time. 

I will never forget the Ninja Turtle moment we had this morning in our driveway.  We had another situation where NoNut left his epipens in the car and they were a chunk of ice when we found them this morning.  This meant that NoNut would have to help pay for the new set of epipens as a consequence. (Don’t worry, we have spare pairs scattered around the house but needed another pair for our upcoming vacation!)   It pained me to have to follow through with this consequence as I know how hard he's been trying to save his money.  I was soooo torn between the motherly instinct of protecting my son and being his care taker versus showing him tough love by following through with the named consequence knowing it would be another tool in helping him learn (the hard way) that he has to own his allergy.

When I walked out to the car, NoNut was sitting in his car seat with his Ninja Turtle shell and mask on with knowing eyes that would not meet mine.   The verse I read moments before came to mind, “Words kill, words give life; they’re either poison or fruit—you choose!”  Proverbs 18:21 (MSG)  How I responded was going to make a big difference as to how teachable this moment would be.

As I counted NoNut’s Christmas money that went from his bank to my purse for the new epipens, he lowered his Ninja Turtle mask over his face to hide his emotion.  Yet, the mask failed to hide tears in the corners of his eyes.  As he looked at me, all I saw was this enormous green face w/a chintzy white smile yet sad little eyes filled with as much emotion as I had last week as I saw his back after the skin test. 

These little eyes were filled with a weight that is much too big for any child to carry.  His eyes pleaded for me not to take his money yet turned into eyes that were defeated and lost.  How my heart broke and tears instantly flowed.  All I could do was sink down onto the van floor and just hold my little boy and whisper reassurances to him through the tears and pray the “God, I don’t know how to do this” prayer with my arms tightly wrapped around my child, rocking him as our tears fell in unison.  Though he had that tough Ninja Turtle exterior, my little boy was crumbling on the inside more than I ever knew he was.

He has been through a lot the past few months.  NoNut lost a lot of security when he faced the nut situations at one of the places he never questioned, church!  He’s seen the cost of being different in a place where all should be accepted.  He has heard adults say things about him and to him that made him feel like it’s his fault for having allergies as if he should somehow be able to help it.  He’s been accidentally offered unsafe things by people he trusted.  And he’s been given more Christmas candy that he couldn’t eat and has had to say “no thank you” more times this season than he’s ever wanted to. 

How do I explain to a six year old that God gave him his allergies for a purpose?  How do I explain all the ways God has already used my child’s allergies for His good?  How do I explain to him the dangers of letting our guard down or staying silent when we should say something?  How do I let him be a normal kid when there are a couple things about him that set him apart?  How do I even raise a child with 28 different allergies (food and environmental) and not cave under all the stress that comes with it?  How do I advocate for my child and teach him to advocate for himself as well?  How do I protect him while letting him go all at the same time?  Most importantly, how do I let this little boy know that he is soooo incredibly loved and cherished, that he is a miracle and a true gift from God and that his allergies don’t change who he is regardless of what others say?   

The Ninja Turtle mask can hide everything but the tears, the love, the hugs and the sweet assurances that even though we really don’t know how to walk this path, we will walk it with each other with God next to our side.  Such a big burden for a little child and such heaviness for this weary mom who is overwhelmed by life’s curve balls as I see more of his test results and realize all over again the severity of his allergies.  But the Ninja Turtle mask memory is such a sweet memory as mother and son connect with each other's heart and minister to each other in a way that most will never get to experience.  Like all the other allergy tests and results, we will adjust and we will keep finding creative alternatives and we will trust, for that is the only thing we can do.  Can't imagine living this kind of allergy life without God walking it with us!

Santa vs. No Santa...The Debate Continues

I've tried to remain quiet on the Santa debate all season long, but I can't stay quiet on it any longer.  I've seen too many moms in a quandary over Santa.  This year, there have been a lot of Facebook posts and replies that share viewpoints that either take Bible verses out of context, create this false sense of spiritual superiority, or discredit the specialness of Christmas if Santa is in the picture that it's hard not to give a response.  So, I want to share an email I sent a friend this morning that shares our take on Santa as a way to encourage moms to keep doing what God is leading you to do, to do what works for your family and to not let anyone rob you of the joys and blessings that God has given us through these special moments with our family.

Time is fleeting!  Whether we believe in Santa or not shouldn't be the question.  Rather, it should be are we following God and seeking to honor Him in the best way for our family?  If so, carry on without reservation!  If not, examine what did and didn't work for your family this Christmas and experiment with some changes next year.  Either way, this post isn't to create debate, but rather encourage you to think about why you're doing what you're doing.  Is it for man or for God?  Therein lies your answer to the Santa debate! 


Hi Friend!

Saw your post about Santa and wanted to just share my thoughts if it's okay! This has definitely been a hot topic this year especially in homeschooling circles. After reading FB statuses and links, there were many times I was left feeling like I was not spiritual enough, misguiding my children and a liar thanks to all the people who posted their views about Santa and how "wrong" he is and how/why they don't do Santa w/their kids. It almost seemed like not believing in Santa was a badge of honor or a hallmark of Christianity. And for some on FB (which is impossible to judge tone and intent), it seemed like they came across as "we're better than you bcs we don't believe" including yesterday when a couple moms posted a link to all of these verses about false prophets and connecting Christmas w/the devil. I had to choose not to let it bother me because we did so many things season to celebrate Jesus's birthday. There's nothing I would have changed about what we did by removing something or adding more because we did what worked for us and in a way that we felt honored God.

When my son was little, we talked about whether or not to introduce Santa, but my husband and I both grew up with Santa and it's a fun tradition that both of our families did while still celebrating Christ's birth. To me, it never took away from the meaning of Christmas because my parents were so intentional about making it about Christ's birth the entire year/season, not just doing 1 or 2 Christ-centered activities on Christmas Day. It was like Santa was part of the birthday celebration like we give gifts to each other on our birthdays. It was never the main focus, but it WAS a part of our childhood and I don't feel like we were worse off because of it.

I found a Christmas kids book that talks about St. Nick and who he was and how he died and how the Santa tradition got started and then it leaves it up to the parent to decide if there's a Santa still today or not. Last year, my son thought he could just pray about his wish list bcs God would tell Santa what he wanted and Santa could deliver it. This year, my son was a bit confused about whether or not there was a real Santa, but we always came back to questioning if Santa (or any person) can really see if we're sleeping, awake, good or bad and tied it all in w/God's character. We've talked about how the real St. Nick is dead but we still carry on fun traditions that help us remember Christ's birth and remember each other and try to leave some surprises like the real St. Nick did.

In our Advent tree this year, we not only did a fun surprise (gift, Christmas activity/event, etc.), but I included a little slip of paper w/a gift for God that all of us had to seek to do every day. Wasn't sure if it was going to work and the response to it, but the second week into it, it was such a challenge to me and just another way to be intentional about Christmas. We had fun "writing" our own praise song to God as a family and singing it to Him, surprising each other w/a kind deed, adding something special to our prayers, etc.

I was surprised at how often my son would give that gift without any prompting from us because it was something he wanted to do for God! I learned some new things about my child in the process and how much he thinks about God but needs guidance and practical instruction to help him carry out his beliefs. He didn't realize he could sing his own praises to God and I didn't realize he got so frustrated over not remembering the words to the songs he was learning in church! To me, I thought that worship was a given/natural, but I'm really seeing where children need us to get back to the basics and teach them about worship rather than assume they know all of our Christian "jargon". To me, these moments of creativity or surprise or spontaneity of giving our gifts to God each day are what made Christmas for us! It was special on Christmas morning in the midst of opening up Santa's presents that my son stopped to thank us and thank God for the gifts and for "Jesus being born" because it was as if all the gift giving to God this season prepared him for Christmas day (if that makes sense).

I think about the stumbling block verses in the Bible and then the one where all things are lawful but not all things are profitable (I Cor. 10:23) and think about how only we know our hearts and families and see what's going on both day in and day out. What works for one family, may not work for the next. Maybe doing Santa is a stumbling block for some but on the flip side, all the posts against Santa are equally a stumbling block. Think at the root of it should be love, not judgment and we have seen way more judgment this year than in years past over Santa and Halloween/church fall festivals.  Maybe it comes w/the homeschooling territory, but I just keep coming back to the fact that God has guided us so many times in the past and that He'll give us that small gut feeling if we're not putting Him in His rightful position and need to make adjustments along the way. 

This Christmas really showed me that there is a way to do Santa while still honoring God (and not lying to your children) and making sure that God remains the focus! Kinda feel like if you're spiritually training your children all along, then celebrating Christmas shouldn't be an issue, that you'll know how to naturally talk about Christ's birth among all the fun traditions (take advantage of the teachable moments). And, one thing I discovered by looking at all the FB pictures is that most of the families who don't do Santa, still do some form of it whether it's just stockings or giving as many gifts as we gave our child--rather from the parents, not from Santa. Am seeing that it's all in the name and what you want to call it, not so much the gift-giving tradition itself. Interesting ...

While there is a ton of debate and many would debate what I just said, take it for what it's worth and enjoy the moments and lead your family how God is leading you and your husband. I've been blown away by just how conservative the homeschooling world is in some areas but not in others. It's like everything else...we've gotta put our blinders on and look to God only and know that no one else knows the inner workings of our own families like we (and God) do!

Life Goes On

Have often thought that I needed to post something over here, but I've been in a quiet, contemplative mood lately.  A lot has been going on in our life as we sift through things that have been constant and no longer are, work through emotions and feelings over tense situations, and prepare ourselves for whatever God has in store for us whether it's continuing in this season of sickness or being open to something completely different. 

There have been several key "themes" lately that have required more quiet mediation than online expression.  It's been hard to stay quiet at times and to work through the emotions and process these things on my own rather than share my thoughts and opinions.  Staying quiet weeds out the outside voices that can sometimes crowd out God's voice.  And staying quiet allows for God's blessings to come as they may and those are the ones that are pure gifts because they are directly from God and not something we could manufacture in some way ourselves!

So for now, I want to maintain the silence.  Don't worry, there will be plenty to share as time goes on especially as God makes His way even clearer to us! 

Hope you guys have a special Christmas with your family!  Enjoy those tender moments that come up with your children, the sound of laughter in your home and all the smiles and eyes of wonder that season brings forth!  

Homemade With Love = Most Practical Cookbook I Now Own!

Homemade with Love: Treasured Family Recipes by Marilyn Boyer is like sitting down and thumbing through Mrs. Boyer’s personal recipe box (especially when she shares a memory with a recipe)…and you know those types of boxes are filled with tried-and-true family favorites!  I was amazed at how many recipes were quick, easy and kid-friendly.  Most of the recipes called for items that we usually have on hand making this cookbook extra practical.  The pictures included with some of the recipes were helpful and showed me that my food doesn’t have to look like a fancy Food Network dish in order for it to be a big hit with my family.  And, after making homemade crescent rolls for the first time following Mrs. Boyer’s easy recipe, I doubt we will ever buy crescent rolls from a blue can again! 

Since we are family of three (compared to feeding the Boyer’s 14 children) plus deal with severe nut allergies in our home, I wasn’t sure how well this cookbook would fit our lifestyle.  But I was pleasantly surprised and excited to find that the majority of the recipes did not make super-large quantities nor included a lot of nuts.  The recipes that include nuts are ones that we can substitute and still have a great dish.  It was an extra bonus to find a cookbook that gave us a lot of new recipes that we could use as written.  Homemade with Love has quickly become my favorite “go-to” for fast, delicious recipes that I know my family will like!

For more info on the cookbook, visit Homemade with Love: Treasured Family Recipes.

Of course, in order to honestly review this book, we wanted to try out a few recipes and turned it into a life skills class!  My child had a blast learning how to follow directions, read fractions and other cooking basics!  If a 6 year old can make crescent rolls, then anyone can!  :)  Here are a few pictures from our cooking session!  Enjoy! 

Learning how to make triangles

Sampling at every stage

Painting on the butter for the One-Hour Yeast Rolls

Our first attempt at making crescent rolls (One-Hour Yeast Rolls recipe)

Little Cheddar Meat Loaves cooking in the oven ... YUM!

He Called Her Daughter

“My faith—weak, made bold
In Him—captured His power.
He calls me daughter."
~Catherine Meaney

You know how you can read something in the Bible a hundred times but on the 101st time, it's as if you've just seen that verse for the very first time?  I've grown up hearing about the woman in Mark 5:21-34 who was in a desperate place in her life.  She needed a kind of healing that man couldn't produce since all human attempts at healing left her worse off both physically and financially. She was probably worn from the stress and weariness that comes with a long-term illness.  And she probably felt quite lonely as many who called themselves "friends" deserted her a long time ago when they ran out of things to say or saw all the unanswered prayers or got busy with their own lives and forgot about her. 

Desperate for hope and healing, this bleeding woman did what she could to literally reach out to Jesus because He was all she had left.  She did what she could believing it was enough.  And instantly, it was enough and she was healed!  She didn't walk away but rather expressed her faith as she admitted that she was the one who touched Jesus.  That expression of faith opened up the door to grace and blessing as Jesus said, "Daughter, your faith has made you well.  Go in peace, and be healed of your affliction." Mark 5:34.

Did you catch that Jesus called her daughter?! When I saw that the other day, I was floored.  How many times have I glossed over that word and totally missed the implication of that all-important word??  Daughter!  She did nothing at all to deserve the title "daughter" except live out her faith.  "The faith that is demanded is a confident trust which derives value not from the one who expresses it, but from the object (Jesus) in which that faith rests." (The Bible Knowledge Commentary)

The Message version of Mark 5:34 says, "Jesus said to her, "Daughter, you took a risk of faith, and now you're healed and whole.  Live well, live blessed!  Be healed of your plague." 

This woman wasn't just healed, she was made whole in every way--physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.  Sometimes, we claim God's healing and forget the wholeness aspect of it.  We either hang on to the memories or the feelings of our brokenness and fail to fully move forward.  We inwardly harbor things said or done to us as friends left our side when we needed hope and encouragement the most.  We let fears and "what if's" paralyze the healing that is taking place.  And we give into that weariness of always fighting for faith that we forget to rest in our faith and continue on trying to manufacture our faith.

God doesn't desire us just to be healed but He desires us to be whole.  And that wholeness comes when we hear Jesus calling out, "Daughter..." and we realize that He is talking directly to us!  The love and acceptance that is conveyed in that one word has the power to destroy anything that hinders us from wholeness and it allows us to "Go in peace, and be healed of [our] affliction."

Amazing!!

Need a Family Gift Idea??

As a child, I remember my parents reading me the Christmas story from a special book every year!  While this Christmas book simply quoted the Scripture, there was just something extra special about my mom pulling out that book and reading it to us.  I had been looking for a book like that for years so I could carry on that tradition with my family.  However, I've turned up empty-handed until I ran across "Uncle Rick's Holiday Book"!

Uncle Rick's Holiday Book by Rick & Marilyn Boyer (Character Concepts) is a "coffee-table"-worthy book!  It lays out the history and significance of ten different holidays as well as includes a section sharing holiday-themed ideas, recipes and additional resources.  The pages are colorful and captivating especially for younger children.  I'm sure my child will remember the photographs on these pages when he is an adult as much as I remember the pages from that special book that my mom read to me!

Uncle Rick removes all the holiday consumerism and shares the facts and intent surrounding each holiday while giving great honor to God and the Christian principles that our Nation was founded on. 

We have this book on display in our home and I've enjoyed watching guests of all ages nonchalantly pick up this book and end up engrossed in one of the holiday stories!  They usually light up with excitement because they learned something new or close the book with appreciation for the author as he preserves the truth of these holidays. 

We can't wait to purchase more of these books to give away as gifts!

Holidays Included:

February 22 -- George Washington's Birthday
Spring -- Resurrection of Jesus
May 30 -- Memorial Day
June 14 -- Flag Day
July 4 -- Independence Day
September 14 -- The Star-Spangled Banner
October 12 -- Columbus Day
November 11 -- Veteran's Day
November -- Thanksgiving
December 25 -- Christmas

Days Like Today...

Some days, I seriously question why in the world we are homeschooling!  Mainly these questions pop up after an exhausting battle-of-the-wills type of day where even Lisa Welchel would be stumped to come up with a "Creative Correction" for my creative child! 

But, these questions faded off into the distance as some major prayer, perspective, alone time (well, it was in the form of a solo trip to Walmart, but I'm not ashamed to claim it), and a mom-only splurge at Dairy Queen refreshed this worn-out mama! 

Of all of the clever (but defiant or attitude-filled) things that my child said today, three moments really stand out! 

1.  My 6 year old was at the window longing to be outside riding his bike with the neighborhood kids.  But, since it was a struggle all day for NoNut to pay attention or to even have motivation to do his work, our school day was done in chunks.  By 4:30 p.m., we weren't even halfway through our day because character training, discipline, nap time and time outs took precedence over education.

I told NoNut that he could not play outside until all of his school work was completed.  He moped over to the kitchen table and sat down roughly with his copywork.  Then, he said matter-of-factly, "I'm going to shortcut the system!" (Huh???  From a 6 yr old???!!!)  And my child proceeded to "shortcut" his handwriting assignment in hopes of riding bikes.  After what we had gone through today, NoNut did not disappoint (he is a cross between my husband and I after all)! 

NoNut's idea of "shortcutting the system" was to write the first and last letter of each word of his copywork and hope I didn't notice that the rest of the letters were missing.  He proudly turned in his work with no reservations and was even appalled that I made him redo it correctly! 

2.  Earlier this afternoon, NoNut was whining over math.  (Did I mention that everything was a struggle today?)  He made a comment about needing to get on his superpowers.  And that is when I had had enough of all the make-believe play and talk.  I informed my child that he is not Michelangelo, Donatello, Raphael, or any other Ninja Turtle!  And his look was one of pure shock, horror and disbelief that I would tell him that he was not a Ninja Turtle.  That was one of those mom-phrases that I never dreamed I'd be uttering in my lifetime, but the look on his face was priceless!  

3.  We ended our long, drawn-out school day by closing out our zoology unit.  We were discussing ocean life and why fish travel in schools.  I asked NoNut to pretend that he was a fish all by himself in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean.  Of course, we had the map and globe and he had to point out exactly where he was swimming (which at that point, my patience was shot).  I then went on to tell NoNut that a shark was coming up on him.  What would he do?  Where would he hide?  What happens next?  I was writing down notes from today and was waiting for NoNut to tell me his answers.  But, all I heard was silence.  Oh, I felt the emotions rising and I was done...no more!  However, out of the corner of my eye, I see this little smirk and noticed NoNut's eyes were looking at his finger which was pointed upward toward heaven.  All of a sudden, I realized that NoNut was answering my question after all!  And, he was right!!  Laughter bubbled out of me as I realized that we had quite a day and that we will have really off days (thankfully, it doesn't happen quite often over here), but it truly is okay!  At the end of the day, this is my child, not my student!

NoNut has a unique, creative, humor-filled brain that is so opposite from my serious, task-oriented brain and it's such a joy to see how his brain works.  These are moments with him that I'll never get back and moments to be cherished rather than wished away out of frustration.  And while some moments bring out the worst in us, other moments bring out the best in us!  All of these moments become reminders that I'm every bit of a work in progress as my child is.  Heidi St. John, author and homeschool mentor, summed it up perfectly in her blog today: 

"I should know…I have been there. I’m the mom who watches the school buses drive away and wonder what those other moms do all day. My husband has watched me have total meltdowns, and he has helped remind myself that this homeschool journey that I am on is as much about me as it is about our children.

I want you to know that homeschooling IS hard, marriage is hard, parenting is hard."

(You can read more at Heidi's blog:  http://heidistjohn.com/tbmb/hope-floats/.)

Hard it is...especially on days like today!  Yet in it all, God was there.  He took every question I had this afternoon and replaced it with love, forgiveness, reassurance, peace and laughter!  And He refreshed me to the point where I can say with anticipation, "Bring on tomorrow!"  It can only get better from here!  :)

Schooled By a Six Year Old

 Matthew 18:1-10 (MSG) "At about the same time, the disciples came to Jesus asking, “Who gets the highest rank in God’s kingdom?” For an answer Jesus called over a child, whom he stood in the middle of the room, and said, “I’m telling you, once and for all, that unless you return to square one and start over like children, you’re not even going to get a look at the kingdom, let alone get in. Whoever becomes simple and elemental again, like this child, will rank high in God’s kingdom. What’s more, when you receive the childlike on my account, it’s the same as receiving me. "But if you give them a hard time, bullying or taking advantage of their simple trust, you’ll soon wish you hadn’t. You’d be better off dropped in the middle of the lake with a millstone around your neck. Doom to the world for giving these God-believing children a hard time! Hard times are inevitable, but you don’t have to make it worse—and it’s doomsday to you if you do. “If your hand or your foot gets in the way of God, chop it off and throw it away. You’re better off maimed or lame and alive than the proud owners of two hands and two feet, godless in a furnace of eternal fire. And if your eye distracts you from God, pull it out and throw it away. You’re better off one-eyed and alive than exercising your twenty-twenty vision from inside the fire of hell. “Watch that you don’t treat a single one of these childlike believers arrogantly. You realize, don’t you, that their personal angels are constantly in touch with my Father in heaven?" 

Ouch! That verse hit me square between the eyes this afternoon as I found myself questioning if my child understood the choices he was making about Halloween.

Because of NoNut's severe nut allergies, Halloween is full of its own "frights" for us and we've been on the fence about how to approach it this year.  PaNut kept telling me to let NoNut decide what he wants to do, but we've always taken NoNut to church for Halloween...it's tradition!  However, PaNut was right! After listening to NoNut, I had no clue that he was so apprehensive about Halloween. NoNut pointed out that he has dealt with a lot of nut situations and new situations at churches over the past two months that he just wanted to spend the evening at home.

PaNut told us how his father would hide candy around the house on Halloween for all of the boys, so when NoNut heard that, Halloween took on a new meaning!  Yet, NoNut surprised us and wanted to take it a step further than finding candy. He wanted to hand out Halloween tracts and candy to the kids in our neighborhood.

Oh me and my mouth--why couldn't I have just left it at that?  I'm like, "Are you sure that's what you want to do? You're going to give up going to play games, bounce houses, candy, etc. to stay home and hand out tracts?" As soon as I caught myself saying those things, I was like "Ergh!!! WHAT AM I DOING??!! Be happy and excited that your child is choosing this!" It was so deja-vu of his salvation experience (http://blessedtobemeagain.blogspot.com/2013/02/5-year-olds-can-get-it.html) as I found myself going back to those familiar patterns and failing to let NoNut be the unique child that God designed him to be!

And then before dinner, we had a situation happen that showed me just how right on target NoNut is about what is most important in this life when our neighborhood "Dennis the Menace" came toddling over to our house. This little guy knows exactly when we put a foot outside.  It's easy to sigh or run to the car/house real quick before he catches us.  But tonight, my child reminded me of the importance of slowing down and making the most of every interruption.

NoNut played soccer with this little child and after awhile, the boys took a break. As the three of us were sitting on the porch, the little boy told us how the police came and took his daddy away because his daddy was being mean to his mommy and how he can't come home again.  How that little boy tried to be brave as he told us what happened but then the tears came as he told us how much he missed his dad. My heart broke and tears came to the surface as I looked over to see how NoNut was handling all of this grown-up information and all I saw was pure compassion in my child's eyes.

NoNut reached over and tried to console his little friend the best he knew how...with humor. After a few timid laughs from both of them, they were back in the yard kicking the ball.

To see the compassion in my child's eyes, to hear his excitement over giving the garbage men water and having the guys finally stop and talk with him this afternoon after months of giving them drinks, and to see him choosing to trade in Halloween fun for a different kind of fun versus my caution-filled responses to him that probably stifle more than encourage remind me of the principles in Matthew 18:1-10.

May I no longer be the mom that can't let go long enough for God to use my child.  May I no longer be the mom that questions the simplicity of a faith-filled decision.  May I no longer find a verse and chapter and give a long "spiritual" narrative to go along with everything and simply let my child experience God for himself and in his own ways.  And may I not "...treat a single one of these childlike believers arrogantly. You realize, don’t you, that their personal angels are constantly in touch with my Father in heaven?" (Matthew 18:10)  Who am I to get in the way of that?

Playlist Memories

"You hold my very moment
You calm my raging seas
You walk with me through fire
And heal all my disease
I trust in You, Lord I trust in You

I believe You're my healer
I believe You are all I need
Oh, I believe"

These words from the song, "Healer", came across my mp3 as I was doing the dishes this morning...instantly taking me back to the cold, lonely, dark, starry night on top of the Snowflex Mountain two winters ago.  We had just gotten more devastating news about my sister that sealed her fate with NF2 (http://www.nf2is.org/misme.php).  She has it, it's progressing and there is no turning back now.  I felt like I had gotten the wind knocked out of me as I realized that God could do something about this.  He could take all of this away from her and my family.  But instead of taking it away, we kept learning of more and more tumors (the doctor used the phrase, "Too many to count."). 

That night, I had to escape and just be alone to process the news that we had heard.  It seemed like no one understood what we were going through, not even my own husband.  He tried the best he could, but this wasn't his flesh and blood.  He doesn't know my sister like I do nor did he watch her grow up and have the love/not-so-love sister relationship that makes our relationship so unique.  I don't remember where my parents were that night, but I remember feeling like I've tried so hard to keep it together and be strong for everyone since her brain surgery but it all came crumbling down that night.

I thought I ran out of faith that night.  All I could see was my sister's face and her future.  How I hurt for her and all that was being taken away from her.  I remembered questioning God and asking Him why us.  We had already been through one brain surgery with her...that's enough!  I gave Him a list of why we shouldn't be going through this.  It included statements like, "This happens to other people, older people, people with problems, people who ____ (fill in the blank with whatever and that was probably uttered)...not us."  My rationality was that we've now experienced the other side of the prayer request and pain that many of those we've ministered to have been on.  We saw firsthand how the usual Christian catch phrases uttered from a place of well-meaning often stung rather than helped.  Now it just seemed like it was time for God to take it all away...not keep adding to it. 

As I cried, yelled and questioned God, His creation spoke.  And as creation spoke, this song came across my MP3 that made the tears fall as my heart ached like never before.  It was like while the world was crashing in on us, the beautiful stars against the dark night sky shouted of God's faithfulness.  There was no denying Him!  God placed every star in that sky as much as He knew about every tumor in my sister's head even the little ones that became too numerous for the doctors to count. 

At that moment, I felt utter despair but then rising hope as I listened to the words of "Healer", saw God's creations in the sky and made that intentional choice to keep believing.  I wanted to believe, but this would require a level of faith that I didn't yet have. 


The song became more powerful as I changed the words and sang it through the tears:

You hold her very moment
You calm her raging seas
You walk with her through fire
And heal all her disease
I trust in You, I trust in You

I believe You're her healer
I believe You are all she needs
I believe

And I believe You're her portion
I believe You're more than enough for her
Jesus You're all she needs

Nothing is impossible for You
Nothing is impossible
Nothing is impossible for You
You hold her world in Your hands.

Day by day, God began giving me the faith I needed to trust Him.  He was faithful to remind me of Himself through this song as it randomly played on the radio or in Lifeway or by flipping channels when nothing else was on (love Sirrus on DirecTV)! 

God's got my sister in His hands!  He has not forgotten about her!  And He still gives her miracle after miracle...from the very first one of her secret desire for nice pjs for the hospital (which someone gave her a pair with something as specific as frog buttons that my sister had wanted) to shrinking tumors in the midst of growing ones in her last report! 

My sister is on a NF2 page where she sees this condition at its worst as lives are taken away by these tumors and surgeries.  Her condition, though it has taken away a lot of her hearing, is mild compared to many.  God has given her a full life and a renewed desire for Him.  He's using her to share her faith within the NF2 community...a place where hardships are seen daily and where hope is lost with new reports of tumors or paralysis or loss of bodily functions.  She can relate to the other NF2ers in ways we never can and share God's love and truth with people who are closed off to Him. 

This morning, as "Healer" came across my MP3, the tears flowed once again as I was taken back to that night on the mountain two winters ago.  The realization of just how many of our moments God has been holding in His hands and how far He has walked with us through the fire brings me to my knees.  God's promises of eventual healing are still here--it's guaranteed (Rev. 21:4)!  But what God wants most is for us to keep trusting Him and trusting that He is who He says He is no matter what the situation may be.  Nothing is impossible for Him.  Today, I needed to be reminded of how far God has brought all of us and how He is still carrying us through everything!  We are not alone!  What a God!

 

City Girl Meets Cave

Below is what I shared with some of my friends about the big cave experience that ended up being the highlight of our 10th anniversary trip!  (For those who aren't into group/forum lingo, DH refers to my husband/dear husband.)

 

Have to share the biggest highlight of our 10th anniversary trip. Well, DH and I have gotten into geocaching. We found a cache in PA about 40 min from where we were staying that just piqued our interest. It was an Indiana Jones themed cache w/an "ark" and it's in a real cave. DH has been so into that but I knew from the start, "No way, we could never do that!" I'm not athletic and am as about as girly as they come. I don't like being in the woods or doing anything strenuous that involves the outdoors (and dirt and bugs). So, I wrote it off as a "maybe some day/probably never" type of thing. But, as time went on, DH would talk about this cave to the guys so I knew he really wanted to do it, but I was set against it (esp. since the cache description talks about boulders, needing climbing gear, being safe, etc.).

After caching all the way up to PA, I told DH the cave one is on the way to our hotel. And on a complete whim, we both decided to at least attempt it...esp. since we were so close. The hike there was your average hike through the woods (but pretty bcs the leaves were changing up there). We got to the "boulders" where the cave is located and DH was beaming and determined to find this cache.

Well, I'm 5 ft and have short legs and am um, overweight...so climbing up those rocks seemed impossible. Must admit that I did sit on the ground and literally cry bcs I knew I couldn't keep up w/DH and I knew how badly he wanted to find this cache. He went on w/o me and here I am in some strange state, in woods w/creepy bugs and left alone on the trail.  All of these fears of DH falling down into the cave and no help nearby started coming to mind. I decided it was probably better to pray than cry.

It was pretty cool, bcs God totally gave me the courage, strength and determination to climb the rocks to the cave and help DH search for the right part of the cave/opening. Couldn't believe I actually climbed the rocks (slid down one bcs I lost my footing on loose soil) and was still excited about the cache. DH finally found the entrance and you should've seen his smile! It made it worth it. But in order to get to the cache, you had to literally crawl in it and wiggle on your back between the rocks to get in the cave! Yeah right!

After seeing DH's delight and excitement and then realizing "hey, I'm actually doing this!" and the pure adrenaline of it all, I went right in the cave w/o hesitation. DH went in first and came back out to get me. He was so encouraging and patient and walked me through it step by step. He was so calm and gentle. And then when we got to the ark cache, it was just amazing! It was like, "WE DID IT!!!!!" It wasn't the cache, but the fact that we did what we thought was impossible and overcame! It was such a special couple moment for us and something I don't know how to express in words!

It was also such a powerful picture of our 10 yrs of marriage as we've faced life together and how DH has been there every step of the way. I so often fail to realize all the support that he is and take him for granted more often than not and forget how good I seriously have it! He's always so quiet and easy going about life...doesn't take much to please him and he's easy to get along with (lol, and that frustrates me more often than not bcs I want him to show emotion but he's seriously fine w/life...lol).

Together in that cave, God reminded me of everything that DH is and it was such a powerful moment together! The pure accomplishment of finding the cave cache was huge and I absolutely loved listening to DH's chatter all the way back to the car about finding the cache and his thoughts on it (it was probably the most I've heard him talk at one time in years)! It was like that impossible-but-possible feat set the tone for our whole vacation and made us see each other and our relationship through new eyes...we're worth fighting for, our family is worth fighting for, living as God wants us to live even though it makes us "odd" (aka homeschooling and standing up for various issues w/n the church, etc) is worth fighting for. Together, we can do it...we're a team and that's how we need to be approaching some of these challenges we've been facing!

This cave experience opened up the door for some special conversations and just a willingness to really listen to each other during our vacation and we even made a plan on how to keep "the cave experience" alive in our marriage (aka intentional date nights). It was just neat to rekindle that flame even if it meant going in a scary cave and getting all stinky, hot, majorly sweaty and dirty (messed up my favorite pair of jeans before we even made it to check-in at our hotel...a girl's gotta have her favorite comfy jeans on vacation...but I made do w/the stiff, uncomfy spare pair...lol). Anyway, even today, we were talking about the cave experience and how we couldn't believe we did it! It's one of those special couple moments that we'll never forget! ...Just had to share (pics coming)!

btw, I did make it clear to DH that this does not mean I've become Mrs. Wilderness by any means....it will be a lloonngg time before I do something like that again! Gimme my sidewalks and paved trails!!!!

The Desert Times

"Is this the emotional me or the Spirit-seeking me?" Such a thought-provoking question from a cherished friend!  It's one I've been asking myself over the past month as we have been faced with unexpected challenges in keeping our severely allergic child safe at church.  It has woken our family up and jolted us into action in such a way that I can't help but wonder if this is God's way of moving us a step closer to His plan. 

Life has changed so much for us over the past six months after I experienced true ministry burn out and dealt with my mom's, sister's and even my own health crises.  I have wandered so far into the desert at times that I didn't know if I could cry out to God one more time only to hear complete and utter silence, an echo of nothingness.  But through the silence, questions, heart aches and tears, I had to chose to trust that He was there if nothing else.

The desert is lined with moments where I couldn't trust any more and moments where quite a battle was fought for trust and the victory was sweet.  And the desert is where I needed to go so that I could begin to strip everything of me away in order to discover who God truly is.  The desert is where I've been the weakest, but the desert is also where I've been the strongest.   

Though I'm still wandering through that desert, there is new-found purpose with each step...a purpose that comes from being alone in the desert long enough to taste surrender, hope and renewed vision.  The sun is shining brighter and the journey is more tolerable because my will to fight is gone.  In place of the fight comes a renewed sense of conviction, a new sense of boldness and the continuing urgency to make tough, life-altering decisions that keep our family growing instead of dying (haha...literally not just spiritually).  God has been showing us as a family what hills to stand on and which ones to die on--what is most important and what is trivial in the light of the Kingdom.

There is a distinct reason why Joshua 1:9 kept appearing in the randomest of places around town or nearly every time I logged on to Facebook or hotmail or turned on the radio!

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”

The latest verse that is now before me nearly every time I turn around is Isaiah 43:18-19 (one of my favorites!):

“Do not remember the former things, nor consider the things of old.  Behold, I will do a new thing, now it shall spring forth; Shall you not know it?  I will even make a road in the wilderness and rivers in the desert."

There is a distinct reason why God is leading me (and my family) to the rivers after all of this time of wandering.  The beauty and depth of each river reminds us of His provision and care.  The river's peaceful flow urges us press on yet in God's strength.  The river offers a quiet place to rest after such a weary journey.  And the river promises us continued life, passion and ministry...all has not been snuffed out because we are stuck in this desert place. 

And, as I keep wandering in the desert and consciously choosing to trust, the faint outline of a road begins to appear.  I see it on the horizon but it's not yet my time to journey down that road.  Until that road is within reach, I will choose to keep wandering because I know what God has done, can do and wants to do.  I will choose to enjoy the scenery and unexpected blessings of being in the moment so that I can keep sharing God's love in the most unusual or creative or most mundane of ways (don't even ask...it's been crazy but amazing).  And I will choose to stay open to the people God keeps placing in our path as we are finding ourselves surrounded by more people in the desert than we ever found in plenty. 

Maybe running into these safety roadblocks at church and having to make decisions for the safety of our child is the Spirit giving us the courage to do what is right and to do what He has prepared for us as a family and as individuals.  I have no clue where God is leading or what He is doing, but I know that this time in the desert is preparation and rest for that road in the wilderness.  I see the Spirit most clearly here because the emotions are being sifted and rooted out to where I'm finally to the place where I am thankful for this journey in the desert! 

Turning Weakness Into Strength

There have been moments this school year that I feel like I truly cannot get my act together.  It's not the curriculum.  It's not my child.  It's me!  I find myself demanding perfection from my child, getting upset with him when he wants to goof off during school, and just expecting him to maintain these impossibly high standards.  I find myself reacting to him as I react to the stress of this new and unpredictable season of life that I have no clue what to do with. 

Our days start off well and centered around the Word.  But as the hours creep on and I see all the chores that aren't getting done around the house or all the things that I'm missing out on or could be doing, I begin to rush my child and his learning so I can "get on with life".

I have been in tears several times this past week over how many times I've told my child, "Hurry up!"  "Come on, you need to focus and hurry and get this done so we can get our other things done!"  There is this spirit of impatience that has permeated our education lately and I hate it.  There have been moments where I've cried out to God wondering if I'm doing more harm to my child by having him next to me as I go through this personal wilderness rather than sending him off to school for someone else to teach him (forgetting the fact that they might be in their own wilderness as well). 

As I stop to reflect on what's going wrong and why I can't get it together, I notice where my daily time with God is being rushed, too.  I notice where it's easier to breathe prayers as I rush about trying to catch up on everything after 2 1/2 months of sickness rather than take the time to sit and enjoy being in the presence of God.  I also notice where I've become sucked into this vaccum of myself as I've lost sight of God's purpose for my life after being bombarded with sickness.   Everything that has been comfortable and familiar to me is gone, including that security that comes from having great health that you don't realize you're banking on until it's taken away. 

But thankfully, I'm starting realize that I don't have to be a slave to my circumstances nor my runaway thoughts!  It doesn't have to stay this way! A change of focus is much needed.  It's not a coincidence that nearly every time I log onto Facebook or turn on the radio or do family devotions (which we've been focusing on courage via Character Trails by Character Concepts these past 3 weeks), Joshua 1:9 is being quoted. 

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go."

I've let the dismay or discouragement of being stuck in this season of sickness drive me farther and farther into the desert.  I feel like there are days when I'm wandering around aimlessly missing a life that was once mine but still wanting to cling to the fact that God has a distinct plan for my life.  It becomes all too easy to take it all out on those I love the most and in the process, damage relationships that were once flourishing.

Joshua 1:9 powerfully reminds me that God has called us out of that place of weakness.  For when God is right next to us, we have no excuse for weakness because He is completely opposite of weakness!

Being strong and of good courage means being strong in all areas--mind, body and soul.  It means facing the unknown with the security that God is with me regardless of life circumstances.  And it means thoughtfully responding to life or to my child (aka strength) rather than reacting to life or my child (aka weakness).

There is so much to lose, including harmony in the home and harmony in our homeschool when this mama is acting from the place of fear or discouragement.  Yet there is much to gain when this mama claims Joshua 1:9.  May I let the truths of this verse infiltrate my mind and soul so that I may become strong once again during this unknown season of life.

Some Things Never Change in Children's Church

Today was NoNut's first Sunday in his first grade Sunday School class and first Sunday in 1st-5th grade children's church!  It was a day of excitement and a day of apprehension as we prayed that everyone would take good care of our son and know what to do in case of an emergency (anaphylactic nut allergies).  And, God heard our prayers!   

However, I was purely overwhelmed by the end of church today and it wasn't even about the nut situation.  And if I felt that overwhelmed, I have to wonder how families new to our faith must feel!  Between seeing the verses in Sunday school, getting a paper with several Bible verses that the kids are to memorize for children's church and then learning about the Bible memory for RA's (Wed. night boys program), I was on memory verse overload!  This is to add on top of the Bible memory work that we are enjoying as a family and for our homeschool! 

As I was sitting in my son's children's church, I felt like I was escorted back to my children's church days over 20 years ago as points were awarded to the children for bringing their Bibles, singing the loudest, answering questions, etc.  It was interesting seeing the whole points concept on the adult side of the coin!  But, oh my child is too much like me!  He was confused by the points and didn't understand why he needed to earn points in church (how do you explain that concept to a 6 yr old?!). 

As I reflected on our conversation and looked at the memory verse paper sitting next to me in the car, I couldn't help but remember all the times as a child that we "crammed" the afternoon before AWANA, Sunday mornings before Sunday School and Friday mornings before Bible tests so we could say our verses and get points and/or prizes (or a good grade) for each verse that we "memorized".  Oh, did we ever learn hundreds of verses through the solid Bible programs!

Yet as I sat in Bible doctrines at BJU trying to recall all of the verses I "learned" as a child, I couldn't help but notice how many verses that I didn't remember from my childhood (was counting on those to give me an easy A--yeah right...some of you remember all of those Bible Doctrines verse cards).  I remembered the gist of a lot of verses and sometimes the book where it was found.  I remember reflecting on these very issues as I saw that my childhood was spent learning verses for the sake of learning verses while never really internalizing what I was memorizing.  The personal application of these verses got lost in the program, the points and the prizes.

Through my son's conversation about earning points at church and thinking about all the Bible memory that will be coming up for him at church, God began to whisper, "Take a step back and see what I am already doing in your family's life!"

God began to remind me of the sweet moments over His Word throughout our parenting and homeschooling journeys.  Part of hearing the Word, reading the Word and memorizing the Word is taking the time to understand the Word.  It means deciphering what God is saying, what He means and how it applies to our lives.  We need time to let His Word sit and soak and develop meaning to it.  The meaning that God gives as we feast on His Words, especially as we see His Word in action in our lives, brings the verses to life and etches them even deeper into our memory!  To me, that is far richer than memorizing verses for points and prizes.  The prize is in having God's Word firmly planted into our minds and hearts! 

As I began to pray about everything and how to incorporate even more Bible memory into what we are already doing, God was saying His familiar, "Let go!"  Let go of traditions, of the way it's "supposed" to be, of the fear of man's opinions if we don't do the selected memory work or the fear of my child being the oddball.  God wants me to let go so we can keep experiencing the ways that His Word is changing our family and bringing our hearts closer to Him.  He wants us to be open to memorizing His Word because we want to know Him and what He has to say.  Memorizing His Word shouldn't be "something else we have to do" or something that feels burdensome.  It's a delight and an honor...one that changes our lives as we internalize it! 

So for now, the stress of Bible memory is gone as I see that God has already been leading us down a path of Bible memory that is working for our family.  There isn't a right or wrong way or right or wrong place to do Bible memory.  My prayer is that my child will desire God's Words more than fine gold (or in the short term, more than earning points and prizes)!

The law of the Lord is perfect, converting the soul: the testimony of the Lord is sure, making wise the simple.

The statutes of the Lord are right, rejoicing the heart: the commandment of the Lord is pure, enlightening the eyes.

The fear of the Lord is clean, enduring for ever: the judgments of the Lord are true and righteous altogether.

More to be desired are they than gold, yea, than much fine gold: sweeter also than honey and the honeycomb.

Psalm 19:7-10

(This, incidentally, is a portion of scripture that we learned in Sunday School as one of the men brought in his guitar and taught us this passage through song!  Little did he know that this song/passage would be passed on down to the next generation through the same song!  Now this was a verse that was internalized for the long haul!)

On the Receiving End of a R.A.K.

We made a quick trip to the grocery store this morning before homeschool.   Today, my goal was to make bone broth because I've heard so many things about it's healing properties.  Since my son (NoNut) and I picked up another virus (after two months of sickness), we are game for anything that might give our immune systems a boost.  And while I'm sick, NoNut wants to "be the man" and take care of his mama while daddy is at work. 

So while we were at the grocery store, NoNut pushed the grocery cart, followed every instruction, loaded the bags into the cart and then pushed the cart to the van.  While I began unloading the groceries in the van, this older gentleman approached us.

He spoke directly to NoNut and said, "Young man, I noticed you being a helper and I wanted to give this you."  He proceeded to give NoNut a wooden dog.  He told us that he was a retired state trooper and likes to make little things to give away to those he sees helping others.  He affirmed NoNut for helping his mom and encouraged him to keep on helping others. 

It was so random, so out-of-the-ordinary!!  As quickly as he approached us, he quickly turned around and left.  It totally caught me off-guard but we at least remembered to thank him. 

As soon as the man left, NoNut got all excited and said, "Mom, I'm going to name him Attentive!"  Attentive?  For a dog's name???  NoNut proceeded to explain how he had been attentive, available and showed compassion by helping me in the store because I was sick.  It was quite a light-bulb moment for him and he received quite a confidence boost through this surprise gift.

Attentiveness (listening with your eyes, ears and heart), availability (being willing to attend to a need when I am called to help) and compassion (being willing to expend effort to help alleviate the suffering of those in need) are some of the character qualities that we have been learning about nearly every night for the past 12 weeks during family worship (based around Character Concepts curriculum).  This random act of kindness (R.A.K.) was a moment from God as He used this man to reinforce these character traits in my son in a practical and memorable way! 

On the way home, we talked about how others are watching us.  This man didn't have to say or do anything, but he saw my son's helpfulness and wanted to simply bless him.  While it's kind of eerie to think that someone was observing us in the parking lot, it was such a powerful reminder that we are always revealing something about our character even in the tiniest of things.  What are we showing others about ourselves and most importantly, about our God? 

The Missing Ingredient

We have struggled the past 5 1/2 weeks of homeschooling to have a "normal" day.  The transition from kindergarten to first grade has been bumpy as our typical 45 minute to 1-1/2 hour school day jumped to three, four, sometimes five hours a day!  It blew my mind how much time we were taking for school when we only added in reading and spelling to our Bible, history, language arts, math and science.

After Week 4, I sat down to compare last year to this year in order to figure out what was drastically different and why things weren't "clicking" as much for us. One thing really stood out. We were doing Bible last instead of first!  My child was so eager about starting off with handwriting first (getting the worst over first) that I didn't want to lose his eagerness by taking time to do Bible and pray first.  And in turn, I lost sight of our homeschooling priorities. 

As I reflected on this year, I saw how much we rushed through or even skipped our Bible lessons because we were tired by the fourth hour of school.  My son was no longer alert and essentially shut down.  I would then get frustrated with him because he wouldn't pay attention.  And of course, I instantly felt guilty for getting upset with him as the Bible lay open on my lap.  ...You know the cycle!

Last week and this week, we purposefully moved Bible back to the beginning of our school day.  The first day we did that, I was reminded of the sweetness of sharing the Word together and the priceless, unrushed moments of hearing what was on my son's heart as we shared prayer requests and prayed together over them.  That sweetness was rarely there in the hurry and tiredness.  After Bible, our day went without a hitch and we were done with school in two hours!

I was a bit skeptical that one day of "doing school right" (with Bible first) really could make that much of a difference.  But, the trend continued the rest of the week and into this week, until today.  Today we couldn't get our act together and everything took much longer than usual which made our school day five hours long (with breaks).  The difference:  we rushed through Bible and forgot to pray because we took a rabbit trail that tied into science.  

After today, I know that our homeschool needs God first before any other subject is discussed.  It's non-negotiable!  We need God's Word to instruct us.  We need His insight to teach us how to love one another. And, we need that quiet time before Him to invite Him into our day and into our school.  It requires intentionality.  It requires trusting that God will help my child do those harder subjects later.  And it requires knowing what is most important for a godly education; otherwise, my child would just be getting an education and God has called us to more than that!  

Unpredictability & Callings

It seems like with every day of homeschooling, we are slipping farther and farther away from my picture of what homeschooling should look like.  I'm also coming to the conclusion that every year is different from the previous year which leaves room for major unpredictability!

I feel like I'm tweaking so much with Sonlight Core B and Sonlight's Language Arts 1 as we naturally speed up in some areas and slow down in others.  The neat, orderly Instructor's Guide that I lived by last year has already become a jumbled mess this year as the days, weeks and pages no longer coordinate with each other as we jump around (yes, I'm Type A to the core).  And then, I hear this tiny voice in the background saying, "Welcome to homeschooling!"  Everything I read about in blogs last year, I was like, "Oh, I'm glad that's not us!" or "They must not be doing something right if they are having those problems."  Oh man, little did I know that would soon be me and now I'm feverishly running back to those blogs searching for answers! ;) 

Last year, our homeschool worked like clockwork. For the most part, my child was very compliant and excited about school.  Yet this year, a month into our school year, and we've yet to have a "normal" school week, much less school day.  My child is compliant when he wants to be, but it's not been without a power struggle despite our classroom rules and consequences.

Today was the never-ending school day as we just couldn't get our act together.  I'm feeling the pressure of deadlines and other things outside of our school life as I try to pick some ministry-related things back up.  The juggling act is starting up once again as I'm feeling the pull between home and ministry.  I want to be focused on homeschooling yet my mind is in a constant whirl with thinking, planning, writing and prepping for some ministry events ahead. 

Each day that I say "yes" to something outside of our homeschool realm, the more I feel the pull and struggle to stay focused here at home. That translates into a rushed school day where we get school done to get it done rather than slow down and enjoy the learning process.  Needless to say, that easily fuels power struggles and impatience.  ...Not a place I want to go back to! 

Yet at the same time, I keep asking "What about the call to lay ministry and local missions that God put on my heart all of these years?"  What do I do when I see that God wants me here at home to disciple and educate my child more than He wants me serving the local church?  I've tried hard to mix the two but both are full-time callings and I'm only one person with limitations.  Yet every day as my strength and health improve, I try to pick back up the old things only to realize all over again that that season has passed.  It's bittersweet.  Some days, that fact brings tears as I feel a grieving period for what once was.  And other days, it brings much joy because I'm finally beginning to accept that God wants me at home for a season.  I keep wrestling over the big question of "Who am I after I lay down that call to ministry for a season?"   

Despite the fact that I really don't know the answer to that, God keeps using the unpredictability of this school year to show me that there is more to His calling than the church.  I've been living life in one way through one channel for so long that I've never considered any other possibilities.  What if being wife and mom is the highest calling of them all?  What if it requires more to disciple my child than it does to disciple others?  What if it means altering everything including my educational ideals for my child in order to focus on the things that really matter long after the textbooks have come and gone? 

So far this year, the days that we have enjoyed the most were the days when our curriculum challenged our thinking and prompted conversations with my first grader that went way beyond education.  There have been days when I couldn't push reading and math anymore because there were basic character issues and heart issues that needed to be addressed.  Sometimes, these character and heart issues are more of a hindrance to learning than anything else.  I refuse to keep putting on temporary band-aids in order to check off a box in our Instructor's Guide because the boxes will always be there to check off, but this teachable, pliable moment with my child might not be. 

As I wish God would make it ever-so-clear to me what my calling is, I'm seeing that He has already made it clear and is continuing to make it clear in spite of my questions and hesitations.  As scary as unpredictability is, it is where I see the beauty and blessings of life the most.  It's where God is working.  And, it feels like home to me...literally and figuratively.

Lessons From the Bookshelf

We just finished building a new bookshelf for our living room.  We've outgrown our Kindergarten bookshelf.  And, we've pretty much outgrown our first grade bookshelf, but it'll have to do.  ...You know how it is!  We just love books, learning games, math manipulatives and videos.  And, I like the fact that NoNut can easily access these things and play with them now rather than have them hidden in bins and forgotten about until next summer! 

As I put NoNut to bed and listened to his bedtime prayers, I heard him say, "Thank you, God, for such a fun time with mommy tonight!  We had fun building my school shelf!"  He was my little helper and was so excited to build the new bookshelf. 

However, it wasn't all a picture of roses.  And the fact that he had such a great time and thanked God for it after my desire for perfection and impatience won out is such a sad testament to what his life is like, and he doesn't even know any different.  About five minutes into building the shelves, my desire to control the situation and get it right the first time without messing up the shelves took over.  Sure, NoNut helped some, but every time he asked if he could do something and took awhile doing it, I would come up with excuses as to why he needed to stop and I needed to take over.  NoNut finally went off to play with Legos, leaving the building and arranging to me. 

Sadly, this par for the course.  How many times has NoNut wanted to help with something and I took over for him because he wasn't doing it quick enough or my way?  How many times does he get so excited over something only for me to crush his spirit with constant instruction and critique as to make sure something gets done right?  How many times does he want a simple "yes" but instead he gets a "no" followed by long explanations as to why not and it usually boils down to inconvenience? 

To hear NoNut's prayer tonight was a stab at my heart.  Such innocence and desire for fun!  He has this uncanny ability to find fun in everything even in the midst of continual nagging and correcting over trivial things.

This week has been really eye opening for me as I see how many times I speak for my child, prod him to be perfect and use perfect manners, do for my child because it's quicker to do it for him and then rob him of trying things because I'm too pressed for perfection or time.

Ephesians 6:4 keeps coming to mind this week as God is seriously pruning away at my life.  It's painful as no stone is being left unturned.  How much I need God to infiltrate my heart and my parenting before my child turns a deaf ear! 

"Fathers, don’t exasperate your children by coming down hard on them. Take them by the hand and lead them in the way of the Master."  (MSG)

"And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord."  (NKJV)

The Matthew Henry commentary says the following (emphasis mine):

 "Though God has given you power, you must not abuse that power, remembering that your children are, in a particular manner, pieces of yourselves, and therefore ought to be governed with great tenderness and love. Be not impatient with them, use no unreasonable severities and lay no rigid injunctions upon them. When you caution them, when you counsel them, when you reprove them, do it in such a manner as not to provoke them to wrath. In all such cases deal prudently and wisely with them, endeavouring to convince their judgments and to work upon their reason.”

“Bring them up well, in the nurture and admonition of the Lord, in the discipline of proper and of compassionate correction, and in the knowledge of that duty which God requires of them and by which they may become better acquainted with him. Give them a good education.” It is the great duty of parents to be careful in the education of their children: “Not only bring them up, as the brutes do, taking care to provide for them; but bring them up in nurture and admonition, in such a manner as is suitable to their reasonable natures. Nay, not only bring them up as men, in nurture and admonition, but as Christians, in the admonition of the Lord. Let them have a religious education. Instruct them to fear sinning; and inform them of, and excite them to, the whole of their duty towards God.”

As I read that, I have to stop and wonder what education I am giving my child through high expectations and the implied messages that comes from taking over for him because he's not doing something "right".  What alternative messages would be sent if I took the time to slow down and let him explore and slowly guide him through projects or experiences...walk next to him instead of five steps ahead of him urging him to "hurry up"?  How do my current actions and responses excite him toward God?  And if children are "in a particular manner, pieces of yourselves", what does it reveal about me and my heart when I treat my child in impatient, nagging ways?  The answer to that gives a more accurate picture of myself than I care to see...ouch!! 

As hard as it is at times, I'm thankful for the correction and instruction in God's Word.  What makes it even more powerful is to consider just how many times God has "[taken me] by the hand and [led me] in the way of the Master."  What would my son's life be like if I were to truly learn from tonight and live out Ephesians 6:4 and "Take [him] by the hand and lead [him] in the way of the Master?"

Let the Wiggles Out

After a stretch of handwriting, NoNut will ask if he can get up and do some jumping jacks.  I was floored the first time he asked me if he could exercise in between school subjects.  Seriously, a child asking to exercise?!?!  So, NoNut will do ten jumping jacks.  When I see how much fun he's having, I usually add to it and make game out of it.  He will twirl a few times and then end with somersaults across the living room back to his desk.  NoNut will then sit down without any complaining and finish his handwriting or move on to math, another "desk subject".

There is just something about that those brief minutes of physical activity that help get the wiggles out and activate the brain for more learning.  Moments like that remind me of the benefits of homeschooling and letting your child be a child--wiggles and all. 

Last year, I saw the Thumball at a local school supply store but couldn't justify the price.  However, this weekend, it was on sale big time and we purchased the "Move Your Body" Thumball to incorporate into our Language Arts and Math. I couldn't wait to surprise NoNut with it today! 

He was soooo excited when I explained the Thumball and let him play with it.  Thumball was perfect for those much-needed energy breaks between Explode the Code, Handwriting Without Tears and his copywork (it's a lot of writing for one sitting and we're still playing around to find our groove).  And, I even had fun joining in with NoNut because he wasn't sure how to act out some of the exercises.  It didn't take long for him to catch on and come up with his own ideas. 

While the Thumball is great, you can make something similar with balls you have around your house.  Use a Sharpie and write out little exercises for your child to do.  Tie it in with math and write addition or subtraction problems for your child to solve.  Make an A, B, C ball and have your child tell you the letter that his thumb landed on.  You can even do the same thing by writing exercises on slips of paper and having your child pull several of them out of a jar or envelope. 

However, there is just something special about a boy and a ball!  Make it a Thumball and laughter and creativity are sure to abound!

(You can find Thumball at teacher supply stores, Amazon or at http://thumball.com/)

Our First Day of First Grade

First grade!!  Can't believe it!  I've had a touch of nostalgia lately as I think about how quickly my baby is growing up!  It is such a blessing and joy to be able to homeschool him again this year! 

We postponed our first day of school last week because of sickness and prayed that we could start this week.  Though I'm still not up to par, I've been ready for our first day and thought we'd give it a try by relying on God's strength!  I wasn't sure what to expect because NoNut was NOT looking forward to school and wanted to keep having summer break.  He loved homeschooling last year so I wasn't sure why the big change of attitude.  However, it didn't take long before he was full of smiles and saying, "Wow!  This is fun!  This is like last year!"

Our first day was three hours long...much longer than our typical 45-60 minute school day.  But we also added in a couple extra things and adopted a much slower pace.  The other difference is that I wanted to let go and be flexible enough to go at his pace rather than rush through our agenda to get everything done and move on with our day.  I also wanted to work on saying "yes" more than "no" and not being so "serious" about everything all the time.  It was a definite change of pace, but a very special and rewarding day for both of us!

We started the day with "first day pictures" and then moved on to handwriting.  Last year, I didn't realize that handwriting was a process and in my impatience, lost it with my son those first weeks more often than not because he just wasn't getting it.  We ended up in tears several times--him because he couldn't get it and me because I didn't like my attitude and the words that came from my mouth.  It didn't take long before copywork equaled frustration in his mind and he gave up before he even got started.  His defeated spirit revealed a lot about my spirit and changes were made both in my attitude and expectations.  However, this year was a totally different story!  I removed my hands from it and gave NoNut his book and ownership of his book.  He was soooo excited when he opened his book and realized that he already knew how to write the letters!  It was such a boost to his confidence!  We did the first couple pages in Handwriting Without Tears, the "at" pages in Explode the Code Book 1 and followed it up with Sonlight Language Arts 1 Copywork.  It was a lot of writing for him, so I may alternate HWT and ETC. 

We then moved into reading where NoNut surprised himself with each word he read! He enjoyed Lesson 1 of Sonlight's I Can Read reader and even laughed pretty hard at what he was reading (second picture).

After reading, we did Lesson 1 of Horizon Math where he was greeted with a dot-to-dot!  The dot-to-dot was a picture of a boy going to school, but NoNut wouldn't hear of it!  He colored the boy's books blue like his Bible story book from last year and colored the school the same color as our church since "the boy was going to church, not school"!  I got to thinking about how NoNut has no concept of what it's like to walk into a school building every morning (not a bad thing) and why he thought it was crazy someone would walk to school instead of church.

We then ventured into history (Sonlight Core B) where we had a special time talking about the 10/40 Window and THUMB.  We discussed the tribals and how they are animists and that prompted an insightful discussion.  It always amazes me how perceptive NoNut can be, even at age 6!  In the picture below, he's showing off the cross he made a month ago--he wanted to hold it when he prayed for the tribals. After THUMB, we dove into Usborne's Peoples of the World and talked about the differing characteristics of countries and began our own "country collection."

NoNut was all excited about science and doing science experiments.  It became evident that this day wasn't going to pass without a science experiment (we reserve one day a week just for experiments).  So after we began our study in zoology, we went to the kitchen to do some pop bottle science experiments.  My parents had dropped off a pop bottle science kit with tons of experiments to do last week...it was such a God-send on those sick days!  There was a lot of excited laughter and shrieking as the experiments proved to be successful! I love how the second picture captures a little bit of that science excitement!

We then did Bible.  Last year, we started off with Bible and I intended to do the same, but since NoNut wanted to do handwriting and reading first, I took advantage of it.  This year's Bible is different.  We are supplementing Sonlight's Bible with Positive Action.

Though Positive Action has a detailed teacher's guide that's more geared toward a classroom setting, I wasn't really sure how it would translate into our home setting.  It's not divided up by day but rather by week.  I penciled in each day but with the natural conversations we were having as we worked through Genesis 1:1-5, we ended up covering half the week and doing a couple extra activities.  Last year, we didn't do a lot of crafts or drawing, etc. so it was a novel concept to NoNut when I told him we were going to make a creation poster.  The whole idea of making a poster was lost on him so we are starting from scratch (lol, it's a learning experience)!

 

We were using Sonlight's Bible plan for family devos but NoNut loves Leading Little Ones to God so much that we might forgo the Instructor's Guide (which only does two lessons from Leading each week) and just do our own thing.  I really like Leading Little Ones to God because it's basic theology.  It also introduces a hymn with each lesson.  It's well-rounded, deep for a child's devotional, and asks follow up questions to gauge your child's understanding.  I had no clue how many of these questions my son was wondering about God until we read the first few chapters of Leading last week.

We did decide to keep Sonlight's Bible memory program (over Positive Action's) because we love the "Sing the Word" CD.  We try to make scripture memory lively to make Bible memory fun!  I still remember hand motions, tiny songs and voice inflections that my own mother did with me when I was a child...so it works (no matter how corny the hand motions or moves may be)! 

Then, we concluded our day with art.  We are rotating between a scissors skills book I picked up at a local bookstore and Barry Stebbing's I Can Do All Things (How Great Thou Art) program.  I broke down and bought the corresponding DVD to teach us how to do art and it took a load off my shoulders!

It was a great day filled with learning and fun...a great start to our new school year!