dream // five minute friday

Five Minute Friday (#FMFparty) gives writers a word prompt. We are encouraged to write whatever comes to mind about that word in just five minutes.  No editing, no perfection, only writing from the heart.  To find out more, visit http://katemotaung.com/five-minute-friday/.  This week's word is "DREAM".

I have forgotten what it's like to dream and to have those thoughts that take you from where you are today to somewhere else that you really want to be in life. Busyness, routine, sleeplessness, merely existing, and mindlessly staring at my laptop or iPhone rob me of the ability to dream.

And honestly, when I take the time to dream, "what if's" choke out my dreams. Insecurity tells me that I'm not good enough to dream those kinds of dreams. Comparison shows me all that I lack. And fear holds me back so much so that I doubt each step forward. I give up dreaming before I even begin to dream only to find myself living this life where I'm aiming at so many different things and still completely missing the mark.

A friend recently asked me, "What would you do for God if you couldn't fail?" The answer to that question surprises me because the answers are things that I enjoy doing yet are not things that my life (education, ministry training, professional training, etc.) has been geared toward all of these years. To follow these dreams would mean a radical shift and leaving behind everything that is familiar including people and areas of ministry that I thought I really liked (and I do like these things, but they don't fuel me like living out my dreams do). Pursuing these dreams would unleash renewed creativity, vibrancy, passion, faith, and opportunities to do unique things as God paves the way.

If dreaming and pursuing my dreams would bring all of that, why then do I mock God's truths in Jeremiah 1:4-9 by lacking the courage to dream?

"Then the word of the Lord came to me, saying:  “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you; before you were born I sanctified you; I ordained you a prophet to the nations.” Then said I: “Ah, Lord God! Behold, I cannot speak, for I am a youth.” But the Lord said to me: “Do not say, ‘I am a youth,’ for you shall go to all to whom I send you, and whatever I command you, you shall speak. Do not be afraid of their faces, for I am with you to deliver you,” says the Lord.  Then the Lord put forth His hand and touched my mouth, and the Lord said to me: “Behold, I have put My words in your mouth."

A Tribute to My Grandma

These are the words I shared at my grandma's celebration/memorial service on Saturday.  This is what I always want to remember about her.

Musician. Writer. Innovator. Encourager. Hostess. Servant. Listener. Learner. Giver. Godly....these are just a few of the qualities I always admired about my grandma.

Musician – There was always a song in my grandma’s heart for she loved to praise God whether through singing or through the piano. It wasn’t until high school that I realized that families don’t sing at every get together like we did. However, it was my favorite to sit back and listen to my grandma play the piano and hear my grandpa sing. We’ve spent our lives watching them praise God together as a couple. Her love for music has been passed down to three generations as we’ve all learned how to play the piano from her…even my son was able to get in a few beginning piano lessons with her. Music and worship was as important to my grandma as breathing was to her.

Innovator – My grandma always had courage to go against the grain and to blaze her own trail. She knew how to weed out the unimportant and to see what was needed in order to more effectively serve God. She never let her age or her health stop her. She followed God in new paths, always sensitive to His leading whether it was to start or to take over a ministry or to invest her time into people. She was always creative with her ideas and gave people experiences to remember long after the program was over.

Writer – My grandma was never short on words. What she didn’t speak, she wrote. I’ll never forget the time when I was in high school and we were comparing manuscripts for books that we each were writing (oh man, they were pretty rough and at times, cheesy). If she wasn’t writing for a ministry newsletter or sending cards to others, she was composing songs for people as a way to celebrate special occasions and to let them know how special they were. It was fun having a grandma who got excited over writing as much as I did. She wrote the Young at Heart newsletter up until her death. She didn’t just write, she poured her heart into what she wrote. I’m really going to miss her phone calls for help because she can’t get a photo scanned in just right or because she lost another file on the computer.

Hostess – My grandma is known for her fun and for unknowingly being the life of a party. Her laughter was always contagious. As I reflect back on her life, she showed me much about the importance of taking the time to laugh and connect with others because mainly, people just want to belong and they want to be loved. She had a knack for making people feel welcome whether it was at church or in her home. And when grandma had a theme for a party or ministry event, she went all out with that theme in the decorations, paper goods, games, prizes and even in her dress! She always did it right and did it well for she saw it as a reflection of Christ and an opportunity to glorify Him.

Servant – All my life, my grandma has served her church and served others. She knew how to bring others along with her and we watched her teach them how to serve God through her passion for Him and her example. She was always doing things with purpose and that purpose was to share God’s love and hope with others.

Godly – I could always count on my grandma to be consistent in her faith. She never wavered on the things that really mattered even if it meant ridicule. Something changed in her over the past year as she became proof that age is irrelevant when it comes to our relationship with God. I’ve watched her faith grow and blossom into something that goes far beyond routine and into something vibrant, dynamic and peaceful. My grandma’s life exemplifies Psalm 119:92-93 (The Message translation) which says, “If Your revelation hadn’t delighted me so, I would have given up when the hard times came. But I’ll never forget the advice You gave me; You saved my life with those wise words.”

As my grandma grew in God, she traded attitudes and mindsets that no longer mattered for a more heavenly perspective. We watched her joy become fuller and her peace become deeper as she trusted God regardless of what was going on inside of her body. She showed us what it meant to live in grace and how to die with grace. She showed us that life is full when it’s lived in Christ and that nothing can compare to a life with Him both here on earth and now in heaven.

The other day when I told my son that his great grandma went to heaven to be with Jesus, his face lit up with pure delight and wonder as he was excited that she was with Jesus, for even at his young age, he knew that is where his great grandma wanted to be the most. He was able to see her strong faith and then see her hope realized.

My grandma’s life and faith challenge me to proudly embrace all the ways that I am so much like her, to honor her legacy through the way that I live my life, to keep developing my musical and creative talents so I can use them to point others to Christ like she did, to keep my heart open and ready to share God’s love and encouragement with others regardless of opposition or cost, and to hunger after God and see that He is above all else

To the grandchildren, spouses, and great grandchildren:

I’ve been thinking a lot about our family tree lately, and God keeps bringing me back to the tree that is pictured in Psalm 1:1-3: 

Blessed is the man that walketh not in the counsel of the ungodly, nor standeth in the way of sinners, nor sitteth in the seat of the scornful.
2 But his delight is in the law of the LORD; and in his law doth he meditate day and night.
3 And he shall be like a tree planted by the rivers of water, that bringeth forth his fruit in his season; his leaf also shall not wither; and whatsoever he doeth shall prosper.

This is what grandma spent her life showing us. This is her secret to a full life. And this is how a godly legacy gets passed down from one generation to the next. I challenge each of you to consider her life and her consistent testimony and decide what kind of family tree you want to be.

fear // five minute friday

Five Minute Friday (#FMFparty) gives writers a word prompt. We are encouraged to write whatever comes to mind about that word in just five minutes.  No editing, no perfection, only writing from the heart.  To find out more, visit http://katemotaung.com/five-minute-friday/.  This week's word is "FEAR".

No worries...I haven't forgotten about FMF. Life happened. We had our state homeschool Convention June 11th-13th and early in the morning on the 14th, my grandma unexpectedly died. This past week has been one big blur in which we cried, rejoiced, cried some more, and rejoiced some more for she is with Jesus and no longer suffering.

Psalm 23:4 and 6 says, "Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me." "Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life; and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever."

My grandma exemplified this verse. She did not fear death for her heart was already with Jesus. She lived her days to live for Him and she lived to be with Him.

There is so much to her death that is so fresh in my mind...so much that I don't know how to put into words...so much about her that I will miss and am scared I will forget.

There is so much of me that just wants to have that final hug, to have that final conversation, to share one more prayer, to have had the chance to say good-bye like the rest of my family did. Yet, God is faithful. He has given me so many gifts throughout my grandma's death this week to let me know that He knows these unfulfilled desires. And one by one, I've seen Him fulfill these desires in unique and special ways that speak of His unwavering love for me. He has given me strength, peace, and comfort like I've never experienced. And most of all, He's given me hope in fresh ways for in her death, there is much life, healing, and freedom.

My heart and emotions have been all over the place because while there is much sorrow, there is much beauty. Fear is replaced with assurance. Insecurity is replaced with surety. Legalism is replaced with relationship. And what once was, no longer is...in many different areas. God renews. God redeems. God restores...even in death.

Futile Google Search

The other day I googled "living with a deaf family member" in attempt to find something that would tell me how I'm supposed to deal with all the mixed emotions that come with watching a family member lose their hearing. There is a lot of surface "how-to's" that talk about caring for a deaf person, but nothing that delves into the emotions of it and how it affects the entire family. I want to know someone else has been there and survived, and I want to know how you navigate the changing landscape. How do you move beyond the big elephant in the room that everyone keeps dancing around and pretending doesn't exist? I don't know! And probably most of these answers will come day by day as we walk this journey alongside this family member.

Five years ago, my sister was diagnosed with NF2 which is a disease where benign tumors grow along the nerves of the brain and spine. As they grow, the tumors rob the nerve they are wrapped around of that body function. Most NF2'ers end up deaf, paralyzed, blind, dead. There isn't a cure for NF2, removed tumors can grow back, and the doctors tend to leave the tumors untouched until they start causing noticeable side-effects. In some ways, my sister is a miracle because she had a normal childhood and her diagnosis wasn't made until she was 30 as her symptoms progressed.

During my sister's second surgery, the doctors cut her auditory nerve in order to remove a tumor that was wrapped around it which meant that she would no longer be able to hear from that ear ever again. It's been several years and we've watched her adjust to living with one hearing ear (which functions at less than half of its hearing capacity). Over time, the struggle to adjust between living in the hearing world and living in the deaf world became apparent. We've been told it's a matter of time before she loses complete hearing in her good ear. Because the auditory nerves will be severed, there is no way she can use a cochlear implant--it's just pure silence (minus the incessant ringing in her ears). And I think the doctors are right as it seems like her hearing is diminishing at a rapid pace. I've seen so many changes in her hearing over the past four months that I feel like I don't know what to say or do (and there's nothing really that I can say or do because I'm powerless to do anything to stop it).

I always thought I would have time to learn sign language. But it's been two years since the first family sign language class and I've yet to attend a second class. I quit after the first class because I refused to believe that my sister would ever become deaf. I didn't want her to become deaf and I didn't want to see her embracing it for it meant it was real and it was inevitable. I couldn't handle it emotionally and thought I would have plenty of time to learn sign language. And I mistakenly thought I could just learn it when it was time and that God would somehow instantly let me know it (yeah, right!!). But that time is ever close and all I can do is finger-spell.

I see changes in my sister that scare me for I know her world has changed and is still changing upside down. I don't know how you live every day knowing you have literally "too many tumors to count". I don't know how you live every day with constant ringing in your ears without losing your mind!  And I don't know how isolating it is to not fit in the hearing world and to not fit in the deaf world because you're neither hearing or deaf...you're somewhere in between. At church, she can't understand the sermons and prayers of the hearing church nor can she fully understand the sermons/prayers of a signing church. 

It still breaks my heart when I see people try to talk to her and she has no idea that they are talking to her from the cashiers to customers to salespeople to family. It makes me sad when she gets that lost look in her eyes in the middle of a family conversation because she's trying hard to keep up but can't. And my heart just goes out to her when she thinks she's heard something and it was not what was said at all and she then starts talking about something totally unrelated to the conversation. No one knows what to say and there is awkward silence as eyes dart around trying to figure out what to say next and she can tell from everyone's faces that she got it wrong.

I've watched friends and even family distance themselves from her because they don't know how to communicate with her. And there have been days when I've done the same thing because I'm afraid that if I could say what I really wanted to say, it would make us all cry (or even scream, "It isn't fair!!"). I just want to protect my little sister and make everything all better for her, but I can't. It still scares me to think about what it's going to be like when she can't hear us at all, when she can't hear ANYTHING at all. How do you go from a life of hearing everything to a life of hearing nothing?

And then God reminds me of some incredible ladies that I've met over the past couple years in the homeschooling world who are deaf. They have shown me that they are every bit daughters of Christ, full of life and potential, as they impact their world in so many ways for Christ. They are strong, awesome moms who know how to rise above their limitations. They don't let deafness stop them nor does their deafness define them. They roll with the punches and have embraced the life that God has given them. They pull together in the discouraging times and have created a community of love and support so they are not alone. This is what I hope and pray for my sister! It wasn't a coincidence at all that over three years ago at our first homeschool support group meeting, a beautiful, vivacious mom walked in and explained that she was deaf and her battery on her cochlear implant was about to die. She left me sitting there dumbfounded. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry, for the timing of our meeting was so God-ordained. God knew I needed her to show me that life still goes on, hearing or not. And God knew that my sister needed her for she has taught my sister everything she knows about signing and assimilating into the deaf culture.

Maybe instead of googling "living with a deaf family member", reflecting on the verse that has defined my sister's NF2 journey would be more beneficial. "Come and see the works of God; He is awesome in His doing toward the sons of men." Psalm 66:5. God has provided for her (down to frog-buttoned pjs for her brain surgery) and continues to perform little miracles along the way as shown on every MRI and doctor's visit. It's never easy watching those you love suffer, but maybe it'd do us some good if we observed those who are suffering and see how they have the faith to keep going day after day when the prognosis never changes. And maybe rather than wallow in the overwhelming emotions of it all, we need to make ourselves "Come and see the works of God" regardless of our feelings. For it is when my focus is directed back on God that I remember His goodness, His hope, and His power to heal. 

Gift // Five Minute Friday

Five Minute Friday (#FMFparty) gives writers a word prompt. We are encouraged to write whatever comes to mind about that word in just five minutes.  No editing, no perfection, only writing from the heart.  To find out more, visit http://katemotaung.com/five-minute-friday/.  This week's word is "GIFT".

Yesterday, my son ran to me while grinning ear to ear. He proudly handed me this little cardboard sleeve that he and his dad just received from the quarter machine at Toys R Us. As I opened it, all I could do was laugh as I saw a Duck Dynasty sparkly smiley face staring back at me. Of course, my son was as delighted to hear the laughter and to receive the big 'thank you' hug as I was over his thoughtfulness that made my day.

Today, my child gave me his Chewbacca Pez dispenser because he knows I like Chewbacca the best out of all the Star Wars characters (yes, we are a Star Wars kind of family). I asked him the other day, "If your mom were a character, who would she be?" And he replied with, "Princess Leia." In his mind, I'm every bit of April from the Ninja Turtles and every bit of Princess Leia (he keeps begging me to buy a white t-shirt so I can really be like her).   

A Duck Dynasty sticker, Pez dispenser, diamonds (aka white rocks), A+/WOW stickers (that he took from the homeschool shelf to reward me because I read him another good book...lol), stick figure drawings, a candy wrapper that reminded him of a fun time we had together...only a mom would understand the pure treasure found in the gifts of her child! 

As I reflect on these seemingly insignificant gifts and see the big thoughtful heart and little hands outstretched in love with each gift that was given, I can't help but think that our God wants our seemingly insignificant gifts, too. We might not be the best at what we do, but He wants the best that we can give. We might not pray big elaborate, theology-filled prayers, but He wants our thoughts and our words directed toward Him (no dictionary or thesaurus needed). We might not understand everything we read in the Bible, but He still wants us to seek Him. God savors everything we bring to Him as much as we savor those gifts our children bring to us. What a reminder to take everything that we have and give God gifts that speak of our heart's desire for Him!

"Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal; but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." Matthew 6:19-21

What I'm Into (May 2015 Edition)

Linking up with Leigh Kramer and "What I'm Into" this month. It's a fun way to keep track of things that jumped out at me this month.

Read & Reading

Read:

Women's Uncommon Prayers (Morehouse Publishing)
This book was an unexpected treasure that I found in a used bookshop this weekend.  It is filled with poems and prayers written by women in ministry that address various joys and struggles we face in motherhood, ministry, and life. So many of these poems and prayers echoed the prayers in my journal. Great prayers and encouragement to pass along to others as well! 

Hinds Feet on High Places by Hannah Hurnard
Follow Much-Afraid's journey as she longs to overcome her shortcomings (fear, pride, physical hindrances) and be made beautiful.  This allegory depicts a Christian woman's life as she learns what it means to love God, trust Him, and follow Him as He leads her on a journey of becoming and of promise. "The LORD God is my strength, and he will make my feet like hinds' feet, and he will make me to walk upon mine high places." Hab. 3:19

Adventure in Legoland by Carol Matas
This was a great read aloud for our Mother's Day trip.  Aaron visited Legoland only to hear a mysterious cry of a fairy. He followed her cry, drank magic shrinking potion, and used his wild boyish energy to journey through Legoland afterhours where minifigures come alive and plots unfold. Aaron's job was to rescue the fairy queen's son from Bad Bart in Legoredo. A delightful little book that captured my boy's imagination!

Boundaries by Cloud/Townsend
A challenging read as I realize my worth and value and discover that it's truly okay to say no and to set those boundaries no matter how painful it is in the process. Boundaries are actually healthy and they keep me reigned in and aware of my limitations!

Reading:

Clout by Jenni Catron

The Mended Heart by Suzanne Eller

The Mom Factor by John Townsend & Henry Cloud

The Anatomy of Peace by the Arbinger Institute


Music

My Revival by Lauren Daigle

The Unmaking by Nichole Nordeman

Never Once by Matt Redman


Internet

Be Courageous Prayer (if:Gathering/if:prays)

Why Every Musician Needs to Think Like a Producer

How to Shut Down Gossip

10 Marks of a Mature Christian


Other Things I’ve Been Into

Cleaning and organizing for a new school year.

Getting ready (and super excited) for the big HEAV Homeschool Convention (leadership luncheon).

Discovering that there is way more to singing than simply opening your mouth and singing (aka voice lessons) but trying not to lose the joy and fun of singing in all the technical stuff.

Making Lego Gummies with my child.