fear // five minute friday

Five Minute Friday (#FMFparty) gives writers a word prompt. We are encouraged to write whatever comes to mind about that word in just five minutes.  No editing, no perfection, only writing from the heart.  To find out more, visit http://katemotaung.com/five-minute-friday/.  This week's word is "FEAR".

No worries...I haven't forgotten about FMF. Life happened. We had our state homeschool Convention June 11th-13th and early in the morning on the 14th, my grandma unexpectedly died. This past week has been one big blur in which we cried, rejoiced, cried some more, and rejoiced some more for she is with Jesus and no longer suffering.

Psalm 23:4 and 6 says, "Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me." "Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life; and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever."

My grandma exemplified this verse. She did not fear death for her heart was already with Jesus. She lived her days to live for Him and she lived to be with Him.

There is so much to her death that is so fresh in my mind...so much that I don't know how to put into words...so much about her that I will miss and am scared I will forget.

There is so much of me that just wants to have that final hug, to have that final conversation, to share one more prayer, to have had the chance to say good-bye like the rest of my family did. Yet, God is faithful. He has given me so many gifts throughout my grandma's death this week to let me know that He knows these unfulfilled desires. And one by one, I've seen Him fulfill these desires in unique and special ways that speak of His unwavering love for me. He has given me strength, peace, and comfort like I've never experienced. And most of all, He's given me hope in fresh ways for in her death, there is much life, healing, and freedom.

My heart and emotions have been all over the place because while there is much sorrow, there is much beauty. Fear is replaced with assurance. Insecurity is replaced with surety. Legalism is replaced with relationship. And what once was, no longer is...in many different areas. God renews. God redeems. God restores...even in death.

Leadership Things I Know but Don't Know

This weekend, we attended the HEAV Leadership Conference for those leading homeschool support groups and co-ops.  It was the first time I attended anything "leadership" since stepping down from lay ministry leadership and taking a year hiatus from it all.

There were many times I second-guessed my decision to step down, but I knew it was necessary.  I didn't realize how much that one-year off was changing and shaping me until I was at the leadership conference this weekend.  All the waiting, all the tears, all the people left behind, all the emotionally-charged prayers and all the waiting (again) was really pruning in disguise after all.  There was rhyme and reason (and even rhythm) when, at times, it seemed like there was nothing left except wondering if God had forgotten about me in the desert.  

Listening to the keynote while being on this side of things was enlightening.  How I wished I had known all of this a few years ago before going into myMISSION/WMU.  Yet sometimes, experience leaves that lasting impression that words could never reach.

Things I heard and read about in 2011 that didn't make sense, made perfect sense this weekend as everything came around in a full circle!  This weekend was a much needed building block that gave me hope and a renewed purpose to keep moving forward as God leads even if it's not what I envisioned for myself and for my family.  I need to keep praying, waiting and seeing this process through until God produces His desired result! 

The keynote speaker encouraged us to read Exodus 17-18 which is one of my favorite leadership passages.  Yet, I realized this weekend that I have never sought to understand it and that is why I keep missing the mark!  This Exodus passage, the keynote and even other leaders I spoke with kept pointing out in roundabout ways that leadership is discipleship (aka relationship)...nothing more, nothing less!  It's not what you do or are qualified to do nor what you have done in the past nor your potential for the future.  It's not about the accolades and glowing recommendations you receive nor about the number or groups that you have led.  I know that, but I don't "know" that at the same time.  The achiever/doer in me still tries to prove that I'm the leader everyone thinks I am while Christ in me is begging to silence that so that I can simply "be" before Him so His overflow in my life is what I am giving to others.

Several times this weekend, the keynote talked about how leadership is pouring into people what God has poured into us and helping them become more like Jesus.  That is what the definition of discipleship is.  Whenever we lead in that mindset, we are continually passing on to others rather than holding on and doing things ourselves and merely having people follow us...another thing I know but don't "know"!

The other thing that kept jumping out at me this weekend was how much a leader needs to let go!  Part of the letting go is clearly defining expectations and directions to the team and then removing my hands from it and letting the team have the experience so they can learn and grow, too.  I look back at my WMU days and see where I had the verbiage and thought I was letting people learn on their own.  And they did do things and did them well but according to how I wanted them done and to my approval, never fully relinquishing control or giving enough trust in the team I had.  If leadership is discipleship, then I must clearly and fully communicate (rather than assume), instruct (rather than give info), and then step back (rather than making sure it's always done right).  I'm really seeing why some things worked and other things didn't with myMISSION/WMU and why some of the leadership hurdles tripped me up.  

Here I am one year later and this leadership hiatus has changed my priorities, shifted mindsets and raised questions that I haven't been able to answer.  However, yesterday, I was reminded of the fact that leadership is about continually passing on to others.  So, what is it I am passing on?  How am I passing it on?  And, why am I passing it on?  The answers to these questions remove the indecision and bring clarity and focus.  I am reminded that God has a distinct plan for leadership and if I follow it as outlined in Exodus 18:17-23 rather than follow any human leader or man-made leadership ideal, the same mistakes will not be made twice!  

Exodus 18:17-23 (MSG): 

"Moses’ father-in-law replied, “What you are doing is not good. You and these people who come to you will only wear yourselves out. The work is too heavy for you; you cannot handle it alone. Listen now to me and I will give you some advice, and may God be with you. You must be the people’s representative before God and bring their disputes to him. Teach them his decrees and instructions, and show them the way they are to live and how they are to behave. But select capable men from all the people—men who fear God, trustworthy men who hate dishonest gain—and appoint them as officials over thousands, hundreds, fifties and tens. Have them serve as judges for the people at all times, but have them bring every difficult case to you; the simple cases they can decide themselves. That will make your load lighter, because they will share it with you. If you do this and God so commands, you will be able to stand the strain, and all these people will go home satisfied.”

Challenging Your Thoughts via IndoctriNation (free preview)

This 30-minute movie clip, a portion of the DVD, IndoctriNation, is worth the time to preview as it leaves you with powerful food for thought.

 http://watchindoctrination.com/

I have never been anti-public school (but went to a private school K-12) and was taught at a young age that public schools were "bad". Honestly, I had no idea why they were "bad" and why we were opposed to them (aside from the whole obvious, secular influences found in the schools). I never even thought twice about it until we started our own homeschooling journey and began to see what education is all about and began questioning education as I've always known it to be (even in the private schools).

At the HEAV Convention, I sat in on the workshops by IndoctriNation creator/producer, Colin Gunn, and my beliefs were challenged as he answered some of the tough questions and justifications that we hold about Christians being the salt and light in these schools. I'm still doing my own research as well as searching the Word and asking God to help us form our own family's convictions based on His Truth.

Don't instantly take this movie at face value but rather research what is said (it's eye-opening as you begin to see the truth) and use this movie as a conversation starter or jumping point to figure out what you believe about education and why you homeschool. Either way, let this movie encourage you in your homeschool journey as you are giving your child so much more than can be given in a traditional classroom setting! 

2013 HEAV Convention Wrap Up -- Part 3: The Exhibit Hall

Lesson #2:  Despite the best laid out plans, you can't do it all in one day!

...More power to you if you can!

I had it all worked out in my mind that we would tackle the Exhibit Hall on Thursday night from 5 p.m. to 9 p.m. (after tossing and turning the night before because I was too excited to sleep, the two hour trip to the Convention Center and attending the afternoon workshops).  After all, my "must-see" vendors were circled so why else would I need to stop at all the other vendors?  ...little did I know...

At 5 p.m., we walked into the Exhibit Hall and I was slightly overwhelmed yet really excited to be surrounded by "everything-homeschool".  Armed with my circled map, we started down the back wall.  I've never seen so much homeschool "stuff" all in one place outside of the Rainbow Resources catalog! 

About three full rows into the Exhibit Hall, I started passing up looking at books and I love books but I was determined to visit all the Exhibitors by 9 p.m.  At four rows in, my eyes began to glaze over as I couldn't make sense of what the vendors were telling me.  My stomach was growling, my mind was still reeling from the afternoon sessions (Colin Gunn challenged my thinking during the IndoctriNation sessions) and my body was thinking about the luxurious Embassy Suites hotel room that was awaiting us.  Halfway through the Exhibit Hall, hunger and the need to rest won out.  It pained me to leave knowing that I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, but I knew I had a big weekend ahead of me and pacing myself (which is hard for me to do) was absolutely necessary! 

However, I learned that it's okay to take all three days to visit the Exhibit Hall even if you have all of your curriculum and aren't on the hunt for something specific.  And, it really paid to have an open mind and visit vendors who weren't circled on my map.  There are some great alternatives to the big "name brand" companies that I had no clue existed!

I also learned that it was okay to think about purchases (surprisingly, the vendors weren't pushy at all) and to even take info home and pray over it!  That's what I did about supplemental Bible Curriculum because I was torn between two great options and price points.  As I was pouring over their brochures in my hotel room, I felt God asking me to wait and trust Him to show me how to teach the Bible to my child.  A few days later, Positive Action Bible Curriculum (one of the companies I was praying over) called to say that I was their door prize winner and won "Enjoying God's Gifts", their first grade Bible curriculum!!!  Awesome!!  God was already in the details waiting to provide in His time and in His way!

I loved seeing the variety of vendors!  Sampling homemade ice-cream, watching a lasso demo (which made me homesick for my family back home because my son would have loved to see a "real" cowboy), discovering Lego accessory packs that line up with our history units, seeing companies who focus on old-fashioned boyhood fun as well as having access to hundreds of companies that serve homeschoolers made for such a neat first-time Exhibit Hall experience!  Kudos to HEAV for putting together an awesome Exhibit Hall--definitely a Convention highlight!!! 

2013 HEAV Convention Wrap Up -- Part 2: The Rolly Cart

Like with anything, there are just some things you have to see and experience for yourself!!  The HEAV Convention is one of them!

As a first-timer to the Convention, I read everything I could get my hands on (HEAV Facebook page, HEAV bloggers, etc.) in hopes of finding out everything I needed to know in order to have a great Convention.  I read about address labels, rolly carts and tennis shoes and thought I understood the logic behind everything.  However, experiencing it all was something totally different!

By Saturday afternoon, I had to stop and write all this stuff down because you're only a newbie once!  So here are my unofficial, newbie Convention observations that have nothing to do with the "serious side" of the Convention!

Rolly Carts

Lesson #1:  Don't laugh at the rolly carts...you're gonna wish you had one!!! 

When we arrived at the Convention Center to check in on Thursday afternoon, I laughed at all the women dragging rolly carts, rolling crates, rolling suitcases, and anything with wheels into the Convention Center.  (Think my words were, "They weren't kidding about the rolly carts, were they??")  From everything I read, I thought the rolly carts were mainly for the Used Curriculum Sale.  No way -- you need a rolly cart for the entire Convention, especially the Exhibit Hall!

We received soooo much free stuff from the Exhibitors--samples, books, DVDs, flyers, catalogs, pens, tote bags, etc.  Combine all of that with any purchases you make at the vendor booths and it makes for one heavy shoulder bag (and I even brought the biggest tote bag I owned)!  After an hour in the Exhibit Hall, my friend offered space for my bag in her rolly cart!  At that moment, all laughter and amazement over the sheer number of women with rolly carts ceased.  And, I'm now adding a Thirty-One cart on my Christmas wish list--gonna attend next year's Convention in style!  ;)

However, BEWARE of the rolly carts!!  Some rolly carts need caution signs on them...it's not the cart as much as it is the driver, though!  ;)  Rolly carts run over toes (personal experience), hit the back of your legs (personal experience), and they also block you from getting closer to look at items at the UCS (more personal experience)!  But, rolly cart moms are extremely apologetic and most are juggling multiple children plus a rolly cart, so I can't fault them.  Another thing to keep in mind is that some rolly carts blend in with the carpet.  So, when you're texting someone about meeting up and not watching where you are going, you can easily fall into one (personal experience)!  How embarrassing!  ;)

Also, don't be surprised if you find some things on wheels that could make the Guinness Book of World Records with the number of kids riding it in while other wheels lend a new definition to "wagon train"!  I had no clue that wagons even came with attachments to carry multiple kids = awesome!  But as a side note, wagons also make good rolly carts for the Exhibitor Hall and Used Curriculum Sale!

Ah yes, the Exhibitors ... will save that for the next "newbie" post later this week! 

2013 HEAV Convention Wrap Up -- Part 1

2013 HEAV Homeschool Convention (www.heav.org) ... thought-provoking, affirming and fun!  It was what I expected and not what I expected all at the same time!  Several helpful bloggers prepared me well with their tried-and-true tips!  All the pre-planning (circling vendors, making curriculum lists and having a flexible schedule) removed a lot of guesswork from the weekend!  There was so much to take in from "everything-homeschool" to all the God-things which reminded me of why He called our family to homeschool!

By Saturday afternoon, my mind was overflowing with thoughts that I took a break from the workshops to just sit and write (and write and write)!  I'll post some of my thoughts and lessons from the HEAV convention over the next few weeks.

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The biggest thing that I noticed about homeschoolers from this past year of homeschooling was confirmed many times throughout the workshops:  Most homeschoolers are pioneers (think the pentagon lifeshape for fivefold ministry).  They see the plight of the church and what it has become and where it's headed.  But rather than settle for complacency or try to fix a broken structure that doesn't want to be fixed, a lot of homeschoolers break the mold and become the church as a family unit. 

They strip away everything and get back to the basics of discipling their own children first.  They remove the programs (church and educational) and make it about relationship first and education second.  I was speechless as I heard the MP3 as Michael Farris (HSLDA) in "The Homeschooling Father" workshop echo the very things God was saying to me as I struggled over whether or not to homeschool as it developed into a heart issue between family vs. ministry.

The words in my journal in Summer 2012 were this:

How can I expect to disciple these young women when I'm not even discipling my own child?  How can I show others what it means to invest in the next generation when I don't even have time to invest in my child?  What am I telling my child if I spend all my time investing in others when he's standing here crying out for my attention but I'm too busy to give it to him?  What am I showing him about Jesus and what am I showing others about Jesus if I give to everyone but to the One and the ones that matter most to me?  As much as I believe that leadership starts with the leader and works outward to the leadership team and then to the entire group, wouldn't it make sense to model that on the home front, too, not just for ministry/missions?  What good is it if I spend time discipling others but fail to disciple my family and lose my family in the process? 

Michael Farris's words in his workshop echoed that:

"If I'm not discipling my own children first, I don't have any credibility for ministry.  I have no message, I have no ministry."  

Though the homeschool jargon is a bit different than WMU jargon, the underlying message is the same -- it's all about day-to-day missional living which makes the biggest Kingdom impact (see Matthew 25).


When homeschoolers get back to the basics and learn to follow Christ together as a family unit, it can't help but flow outward and impact the church and the world.  These homeschoolers are in our communities serving as they can.  They are making a difference because they aren't bound to a classroom every day and have more freedom to go where God wants them to go.  Missions becomes education and education becomes missions without waiting for the church to get it or to catch up.

It was neat to see how all of these conclusions from our first year of homeschooling were reiterated this weekend.  God tied a lot of the loose ends together and showed me why He asked me to take a break from all outside ministry (WMU and church) rather than make the four-year commitment to being Association WMU Director.  There will be time for that later on, but now is a season of quietness, a season of fighting for balance, a season for discipline as we flesh out our convictions and align our lives accordingly, a season to continue building on the foundation that was started during our first year of homeschool.  

The other thing I noticed is that homeschool leaders are actively and thoughtfully living out their faith as God leads and when God leads without dissecting every little thing or calling meetings to discuss every little detail.  They don't create committees or gather permission from leadership.  They know how to act independently.  These experiences all create courage, conviction and faith because, most of the time, homeschoolers are walking alone against culture and even the church.  It's about living out God's Word in the home and which, in turn, impacts everything around them.  The great part about it is that this isn't just for homeschoolers...it's for anyone who chooses to live by the Word and run their family by the Word.
 
Looking back, the HEAV Convention wasn't about rallying the troops or convincing/guilting people into homeschool.  It was about equipping the troops already in the homeschooling trenches and giving them instruction and encouragement to press on and to keep following God by holding true to the things He's revealed in His Word.  Amazing weekend with lots to process!!