At the beginning of December, I found myself really drawn into Matthew 1:23—“See, the virgin will become pregnant and give birth to a son, and they will name Him Immanuel, which is translated 'God is with us.'” (HCSB)
“...Immanuel, which is translated ‘God is with us’”…the longer I
pondered the fact that a name could hold such meaning in life and survive a crucifying death, the more “God is with us”
kept stirring in my heart.
Two weeks before Christmas, I wanted to weave "Immanuel—God is
with us" into the devotional for the Upward basketball teams for it was a
message that the youngest kindergartner to the oldest coach could understand.
I remember ending the devotional with something like "God is with us when we are
happy. God is with us when we are sad. He is with us when we are scared or
unsure what to do. We are never alone. So when you celebrate Christmas,
remember that God is with us right now, not just as Baby Jesus, but He is real
and really with us.” Little did I know that this thought would become a defining theme this Christmas!
My son, NoNut, and I had our week leading up to Christmas planned
with our favorite traditions like decorating cookies, finishing our Christmas
shopping, doing more Christmas baking, playing Santa at the cancer center,
caroling, making and delivering special gifts to our bank tellers and those who
routinely serve us. We had our growing pile of Christmas story books, blankets
to snuggle up under, mugs of hot chocolate to drink, and our usual Christmas
movie line up. We began Christmas week celebrating Christmas only to find out
mere hours later (not even long enough for our sugar cookie dough to chill)
that my grandpa was at home taking his last breath. My world came crashing down
as I got the call that my grandpa, who was like a father to me, unexpectedly and
quietly passed away. It was hard to comprehend the news because we were supposed
to have seen him later that day, take him to go see Christmas lights, play
games with him, and have some fun Christmas adventures. But instead, we were
left burying him 3 days before Christmas Eve.
We were supposed to be getting ready for Christmas not standing
next to my grandpa’s casket staring at it blankly trying to determine if this
is really happening or not. And then less than 12 hours after burying my grandpa, my
husband, PaNut, ended up in the emergency room with heart attack symptoms. The doctors determined that he didn’t have a heart attack but something was going on but he
was stable so they sent him home in the wee hours of the morning. We were home
all day and in the wee hours of the next morning, we were back at the emergency
room and admitted overnight. It was so surreal. What do you do in moments like
that?! I had no idea except that time keeps marching on and you just have to
roll with it and figure it out as you go.
Earlier at the graveside, I kept thinking how much it stinks that
we are burying my grandpa at Christmas—it wasn’t supposed to be this way! We
didn’t get to have our Christmas memories with him! And what do you do when you
have presents for someone sitting under the Christmas tree and suddenly they
aren't there to open them? How do you even have Christmas without someone who has
spent every single Christmas with you? And then as I looked at PaNut
laying in the hospital bed so pale, uncertain, and scared instead of the
strong, unwavering rock that he is, I felt this presence rush over me. The word
“Immanuel” came to mind whispering “God is with us” as a mother would whisper
comfort to a crying baby.
Immanuel—it’s a name that brings promise, hope, peace, and
comfort. It’s a name that brought strength that carried us through the funeral
and then both hospital stays. “God is with us” was reiterated in countless
ways—through texts, visits, prayers (definitely the countless prayers!), and
support. We saw that God wasn’t just with PaNut and I in the hospital, but He
was also with NoNut and with our family who cared for him even though all of us
were emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually depleted after my
grandpa’s death and funeral.
It was really hard being away from NoNut knowing that he was
still trying to understand what the funeral was all about and that his great
grandpa was gone and now wondering if PaNut would be okay. But NoNut demonstrated a lot of courage and bravery through
all of this. He showed a maturity about him that surpassed his years. I had to trust that God also had NoNut in His hands and trust that our family and friends were reassuring NoNut in my place. But God kept leading me to Psalm 91:11-12 to pray for not only my child but for PaNut and I—“For
He will give His angels orders concerning you, to
protect you in all your ways. They will support you
with their hands so that you will not strike your foot
against a stone.” These verses became warrior
verses. I actually had plenty of time while trying to sleep in the hospital chair to envision what angel protection must look like! [lol, “Whom Shall I Fear/God of
Angel Armies” song kept running through my mind!] Each image of angel protection helped refuel my confidence that God IS with us.
A LOT happened at the emergency room both times—especially
the second time. Yet in the midst of all the tests and waiting and more tests, there
were big and small “Immanuel moments” where God was letting us know that He was
with us--actually, He never left us.
God demonstrated that He was with us by sending a childhood
friend our way that I haven’t seen in years. She is a doctor as well as oversees
the residency program and happened to be on call that weekend. She normally
doesn’t go down the wing we were on but she did and my dad just happened to
step outside of our unit thereby crossing paths with her. She was a God-send
who walked with us through the whole ordeal, explained hospital procedures, convinced me to go eat and step away from PaNut for awhile, and she later sat with PaNut
while I talked to friends in the lobby. She checked in on us after hours, and
then a couple times the next day. Her presence helped us get excellent care as well as gave us resolve to speak up where needed for PaNut's care.
After PaNut was finally settled in his room, I was able to run home and get some things for our overnight stay. I also got to spend some time with NoNut and simply hug him and reassure him that God is with us no matter what happens and we will get through this. But I didn't realize how much we were in this intense funeral/hospital bubble until I crossed the
threshold and took the longest, deepest breath ever. I looked around the living
room at the darkened Christmas tree, remnants of Christmas festivities suddenly halted, shopping
still undone and Christmas Eve the next day, and it hit me how unfair this
is…this is NOT the Christmas I ever imagined. I sounded like a whining child as
I shared my thoughts with God. When I was done, all I heard in reply was that
quiet phrase “Immanuel—God is with us.” And then it hit me!
What if maybe this Christmas was supposed to be so totally
different for us so that way we would understand what Christmas is truly about?
What if we needed different to shake us up a little bit more (as if the events
of 2017 haven’t been enough) so we could let go of our Baby Jesus view of God in
order to cling to a Kingdom-type of God that we can’t comprehend but who
wants to be with us anyway and who has been with us and will always be with us?
And then I got to thinking how Immanuel isn’t just a name. Rather, his name describes the lifestyle
in which Immanuel walked when He was here on earth as He followed after God and did what He saw the Father doing. Immanuel describes an
all-encompassing plan that was started long before His birth and continues to
unfold long after His death. Immanuel is not only a name of the past but it's a name of the
present because it leads the way to the future. It’s a name that conveys an everlasting love that extends far beyond our current circumstances.
As I pondered this and saw how just how much my Christmas
got turned upside down in a matter of days and how everything that was supposed to
be now wasn’t, the word “Immanuel” and it’s meaning of “God with us” began
to usher in a different kind of Christmas--maybe the simplest yet truest form of Christmas that we've ever experienced. I could no longer mutter "This isn't fair" under my breath or feel hurt that God didn't at least let me say good-bye to my grandpa, because somehow in the midst of all of this, we were
discovering the reality of Immanuel--how He lives up to His name, how He is with
us, how He carries us by His grace, and how His grace somehow comforts even the deepest heartaches and holds the scariest fears.
2017 has been a year of seeking freedom and learning to embrace what freedom means. Through this journey, I’ve been discovering that freedom is ultimately
about removing all that prevents us from truly knowing God. Freedom lets us
see things we weren’t able to see before which allows us to experience God
firsthand rather than see Him from the sidelines working in others while wondering how to make Him real in our
lives. When we walk in freedom, there is fresh room for the Holy Spirit to take the
things we read in the Bible and weave them into our very being so that in
moments of crisis, there is this surety that we can lean on Him and that He will
take care of us. There is nothing manufactured about that kind of faith or
freedom. There isn’t any box-checking with real Spirit work. It’s when we are
our truest selves in the moment and really have no clue what’s next and can totally lean back
rest in the Spirit that we fully know that God is with us—that Immanuel is who
He says He is and He is ever worthy of that name.
Though PaNut made it home in time for Santa Claus to visit
and we slept away most of Christmas Day and though we still don’t know why it’s
taking PaNut awhile to recover and he’s having more tests done, there has been an
undercurrent of peace as I know, without a doubt, that God is with us. There
isn’t any guessing or hoping that He is with us because He IS with us. There
isn’t any reviewing if I’ve been good enough by Christian standards nor wondering if this
is some kind of punishment because, God IS with us. Immanuel’s presence dispels
any doubts. And when I start to doubt that, Ephesians 1 reminds me that because of Immanuel, God truly is with us.
There were a couple nights last week when anxiety hit hard
and it was an all-out battle to rest in the promise of Immanuel, but God’s
words remained sweet reassurances in the midst of it all. Psalm 91:11-12 with
the vision of angels surrounding us and protecting us stayed with me beyond the
hospital. Because God is with me, I am not the mess I feared I would be when the dust finally settled from the funeral and hospital. Yet I can also grieve knowing God is with me and that He is holding me and giving me what is needed
to still meet the challenges of each day in order carry on with life and to find a new
normal for our family.
So this week when Upward basketball reconvened, I followed
up on the “Immanuel—God is with us” theme/devotional and told the kids that our Christmas
wasn’t very merry because of what happened. However, this Christmas is where I learned that God really is
with us, just as He said. Immanuel is real. I got to share some ways that we
knew God was with us and how God used the little acts of love that others
showed us to reassure us that He was with us. I wanted to use our experience to
encourage the children to find ways to be Jesus to others whether it’s giving a high-five
on the court or cheering for a teammate in order to remind each other that God IS with
us. We are NOT alone...never!!
