The Right Time to Write (#fmf)

It has been a couple years since I’ve done a Five Minute Friday! Not exactly sure what happened except that I lost my words. They stopped flowing out of me. And it was scary to lose my words! 

Who am I when I can’t write, when I can’t express the depths of me in old familiar ways, when I lose all of my opinions and cares and become silent? Pain and sheer levels of turmoil, chaos and burnout stored within my heart and mind choked out all flow of words. That pain undeniably cried out to be healed and I couldn’t ignore it any longer. It needed to be cleared out of the way before my words (and my life) could flow freely again! But in order for the pain to be healed, I had to find a different way to speak. 

Slowly, the words began to slide out but they came out in art. Art journaling took the place of blogging as color, doodling and collaging together spoke my truth. Through the pages of my art journals, the deepest and rawest parts of me were being revealed, nurtured, loved, counseled and slowly nursed to a level of health and wholeness that I never knew existed. All that was made wrong was slowly being set right. Years of perseverance, strength and determination to find healing finally led to freedom and transformation. This transformation is finally leading me back to the written word once again! 

But who am I after that journey? How does that journey impact my writing? What do I even want to write about? What is worth saying in a world where everyone has something to say? Where can my voice make a difference? Where can my words bring hope? 

I don’t know the answers to these questions right now, but the right thing to do is to show back up today, to pick up the pen (keyboard?), to remain open to rediscovering my written voice and to offer up my heart and my words to the One who has led me into shalom. My words are back and now is the right time to unleash them once again! 

Five Minute Friday (#FMFparty) gives writers a word prompt every Friday. We are encouraged to write whatever comes to mind about that word in just five minutes. No editing, no perfection, only writing from the heart. To find out more, visit Five Minute Friday. This week's word is "RIGHT”.

The Mystery of the Ocean (#fmf)

What is it about the ocean that draws us into the beauty of it? Is it the vastness of sky and sea, the strength that unfurls with each wave, the breathtaking colors of the sunrise over the ocean, the simplicity yet complexity of nature, the joy of finding unique shells, smooth stones, sea glass, or sharks teeth, the curiosity of creatures big and small that fly, dive, burrow, glide, or swim, the serenity that comes when life stops for a few minutes as we notice all the beauty that surrounds us?

We visited North Topsail Beach a couple weeks ago and the pictures below are from that vacation. As we walked along the beach one evening, Psalm 36:5-6 and Psalm 139:17-18 kept coming to mind as I looked across the ocean and as my feet shuffled in the sand.

God’s love is meteoric,
His loyalty astronomic,
His purpose titanic,
His verdicts oceanic.
Yet in his largeness nothing gets lost;
Not a man, not a mouse, slips through the cracks.   Psalm 36:5-6

How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
If I should count them, they would outnumber the sand.
When I awake, I am still with You.   Psalm 139:17-18

Not even the ocean can contain the love, the surety, the ways, and the mind of God, nor could the grains of sand under my feet, ahead of my feet, or behind my feet compare to the sheer amount of thoughts God has toward me alone. It's too mind boggling at times but maybe that's where the true beauty of the ocean lies--in all of the mysteries that we will never be able to fully see or comprehend. True beauty lies in the moments that call us to “Be still, and know that I am God" (Psalm 46:10)--it's like God's personal invitation to let it all go and savor the mysteries of the ocean.

Five Minute Friday (#FMFparty) gives writers a word prompt. We are encouraged to write whatever comes to mind about that word in just five minutes (although, I usually go longer bcs FMF helps fuel that spark in me to write). No editing, no perfection, only writing from the heart. To find out more, visit Five Minute Friday. This week's word is "OCEAN".

Not Too Old & Frumpy To Be Safe (#FMF)

Yesterday, my child, NoNut, and I were returning home from the best week at the beach and stopped for lunch and gas on the way home. After lunch, I drove next door to an Exxon that was literally right off I40W in Johnston County, North Carolina. It was surrounded by fast food places, other gas stations, and stores so it was in a highly populated area. There was nothing secluded about this gas station.

I pulled in and noticed two creepy looking men in a pickup truck at the pump ahead of me but on the other side. They were done getting gas and so I figured they were leaving and I was probably being paranoid and stereotyping and almost dismissed these men. However, something made me do a double look and I told NoNut to stay in the van and I locked all the doors. As I started pumping gas, I had this growing sense of urgency.

I got back in the van because I noticed the men kept staring at us and they weren't leaving. I noticed a couple guys selling Fit 4 Life stuff a few feet away at the Exxon door and 2-3 other cars at the pumps to the right of us, so we weren’t alone, but I kept assessing the situation because something felt off as those men still sat there and stared at us. I reminded NoNut to stay in the van unaware that he had already noticed the "suspicious men" (as he later called them) and was watching them, too. As I got out to return nozzle back to the pump in record time, I noticed the passenger getting out of that truck and he was starting to walk towards us.

As I opened my door to get in the van, the man started calling for me, “Ma’am! Ma’am!” I jumped in and locked doors and started the van while he was still hollering “Ma’am!" He hobbled over with his cane and hit my front left tire with his cane and yelled, “There is something wrong with your tire!” I was inwardly freaking out because all the Facebook warnings came to mind about this tactic (I even just read/posted an article the day before about a mother and daughter at a rest area that put me more on alert while traveling home).

I pulled forward to drive around the man but he walked in front of van even more so I couldn’t go around him without hitting him. He hollered again that there is something wrong with my tire and he was waving at me to get out and look. By that time, I was already reversing the van while he was hollering again and pointing to my tire! I just got new tires a couple weeks ago and the van was riding/sounding fine so I knew my tire was fine but what if it wasn’t?! I knew I had to get out of there and worry about the tire later.

I flew out of the gas station but got stuck at the light just outside of the gas station. Meanwhile, NoNut is watching the man walk fast (not hobbling like he originally was) to the far side of station and then walk back to his truck. I stopped at a nearby Auto Zone to look at my tire and my tire was perfectly fine!! By the time we passed back by the gas station two minutes later to get back on the interstate, the men were gone! I didn’t call the police because I didn’t even know the exact name of the town we were in nor could remember the exact exit number we took (downside to relying solely on GPS than road signs) plus the men were gone.

All I could do was thank God for His protection and gut feelings! I keep thinking about what if I had gotten out to look at the tire because normally I would. Would those men have taken the van with NoNut in it or would they just grab my purse or what?! I’m like a 40 yr old frumpy, tired, out-of-shape mom...there’s no way they were after me but it really makes me mad that they thought they could pull one over on me! This is stuff you read about on Facebook and think would never happen to you, but that guy outright lied and told me something was wrong w/my tire and was desperate for me to come and see it! I immediately called PaNut at work while we were pulling out of the gas station and had him stay on the phone w/me until we checked the tire and got back on the interstate! The whole thing was super unnerving! (And since I didn't know what town we were in, I was grateful I had "checked-in" when we stopped for lunch via the Life 360 tracking app for families so PaNut had our location info just in case.)

So this a reminder to ALL women even if you feel old and frumpy...still listen to your gut feelings!! I’m pretty sure these men weren’t after me, but they were men on a mission and probably saw out-of-state license plates and our vacation stuff and tried to go for it in broad daylight with people around! Be alert and be aware of your surroundings no matter if you walk, drive, fly, or travel in any other way this summer!

 Also, many of us belong to faith communities that constantly remind us to share God with others and to take advantage of opportunities to share His love with strangers. But faith communities often fail to remind us of the responsibility we have to use common sense and to use wise safety sense—to love but love wisely.

Sometimes safety may look or feel like we are disrespecting people by not stopping to listen to them and/or not helping them out or by jumping in the car and locking the door or rolling up a window (or both) or by quickly leaving a situation that doesn't feel right. Matthew 10:16 says, "Behold, I send you forth as sheep in the midst of wolves: be ye therefore wise as serpents, and harmless as doves.” "Alone, the wisdom of the serpent is mere cunning, and the harmlessness of the dove little better than weakness: but in combination, the wisdom of the serpent would save them from unnecessary exposure to danger; the harmlessness of the dove, from sinful expedients to escape it." (Jamieson-Fausset-Brown Commentary.)

While loving others is our ultimate goal, we need to remember to practice common sense (aka employ wisdom and discretion--Proverbs 3:21) and safety-sense in the process! If you get a weird gut feeling, listen to it even if it feels like you are over-reacting! Do NOT discount those moments when the Spirit is trying to protect you and lead you to safety! It is not my nature to blatantly ignore people trying to talk to me and to respond with seemingly rudeness like yesterday. However, if I didn’t do that yesterday, we would’ve had a completely different ending to our perfect beach trip! I am thankful God's protection came in the form of uneasiness because it kept us alert and ready to run from harm!

Five Minute Friday (#FMFparty) gives writers a word prompt. We are encouraged to write whatever comes to mind about that word in just five minutes (although, I usually go longer bcs FMF helps fuel that spark in me to write). No editing, no perfection, only writing from the heart. To find out more, visit Five Minute Friday. This week's word is "FLY".

Boundaries Remove the Need (#fmf)

It is one of the best things to open my November/December calendar and discover empty weekends this year! It’s still a novelty to have free weekends because I spent several years where every Saturday and Sunday were devoted to Christmas music ministry (praise band, praise team, sound team).

This year, we can make plans and not have to shuffle them around children’s Christmas musical practices (which were Fridays/Saturdays/some Sundays), adult cantata practices (some Saturdays/Sunday afternoons), Hanging of the Greens practices (usually Thanksgiving weekend and all Sunday afternoon just before performance Sunday night), and praise team practices (which were held every Saturday morning). It wasn’t uncommon for children’s and adult practices to be back-to-back meaning we’d be at the church for 4-6 hours a day plus the time spent with praise team on Saturday/Sundays and church services.

When I look at my empty calendar and then reflect how my schedule usually plays out in November and December, I feel sweet relief. There are moments when I really miss my church music friends and the opportunities to make music with them, but those moments are quickly overshadowed with the stress that I still feel when I think about those days or the shame over getting so sucked up into the churchy bubble when 95% of my life happened outside of church but yet my whole life was for the church.

It’s embarrassing to think of all the festive activities and parties we turned down because they conflicted with practices. I turned down friends when they had real needs, but after spending all day at church, I had nothing to left to give anyone. This is where I hoped that good intentions would be good enough because it was all I had to offer (ouch!). There were weekends when I sacrificed our family traditions or rushed my family through Christmas activities so I could be back at church for another practice or to get my own practice time in so I’d be ready for practice. I dreaded November and December because I knew it would be one big juggling act that would leave me stressed and frustrated because it’d be another year of giving up the things I really wanted to do for something I still wanted to do but somehow, it overtook everything!

What I didn’t know last November and December (and the ones before that) that I know now is that boundaries are necessary within church life. It’s okay to say no to good things. All of my life, I was taught that we need to be there for the church and that God has equipped us with special abilities and talents to use for the church. Growing up, I was taught that it’s our duty as believers to be there for others and to be there for the church and that often came at the expense of our home life as children. I grew up thinking it was my calling to sacrifice my needs and desires as a child and teenager in order to serve others because their needs were more pressing than mine. We’ve been given a good life, so we needed to share it with others. But at the same time, I learned that in order to have my needs met as a child/teen, we needed to meet everyone else’s first.

That line of thinking works when you don’t know anything different about God, church, and family life. But there comes a point in life when that mindset no longer works. “Needing” to give becomes a compulsion to give. And last year, God kept bringing me back to this idea of freedom and a life that He designed for me that goes beyond compulsion. He kept showing me how much I do because I have to do it or need to do it and He kept bringing me back to 2 Corinthians 9:7 (ESV): “Each one must give as he has decided in his heart, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver.” 

It got to the point where all I felt in ministry was stress, pressure, and performance and the joy was sucked out with the compulsion. All of that was reinforced in the fast-paced, high-performance church environment I was in. For every no I tried to utter, spoken and unspoken messages reminded me that it was a privilege to serve and that my talents were needed in order to pull it off. I was reminded to pray more and specifically ask God to give me strength to do what He’s called me to do because we all were juggling busy lives and struggling with the practice schedules, too. I felt guilty because I couldn’t keep up with everything and everyone else could (at least it looked that way on the outside). 

I often wondered if we wanted others to experience God at Christmas, why weren’t we given time to experience Him, too? But God was crammed into prayer before practices and we all knew we were doing this for God and to reach others through our performance, so God understood it was for Him (misguided but well-intentioned). But at the same time, the holiday season would end and it would be then that I'd realize I didn’t even experience God because I didn’t have time to stop and experience Him with all the practices and getting ready for them. There were moments that spoke to me as we played/sang through songs, and those moments combined with rushed devotions before going to practice or exhausted devotions when I got home from practice somehow had to be enough. But it wasn't...it got to the point where it wasn’t good enough for me to go to church. I wanted more than church because I was missing the whole point of church--I was missing God!

This year, the whole point of church has been hashed out one week at a time as I’ve wrestled through what is church, what does it mean, and what place does it have in my life. I’ve wrestled with ministry callings because I’ve experienced what God can do when we are in align with Him and following Him even in a broken church system but not knowing if I could ever go back to as things were. All of this plus my seminary classes have taught me that broken systems contain broken people. And broken people usually have boundary-less lives. Boundary-less lives lead to lives of doing, striving, proving, or performing in order to help us define who we are as titles, accolades, attention, or success give us our value.

When I opened my November/December calendar this morning, a wave of panic hit as I thought of all the practices/performances I would be missing this year and how it’s not fair that others get all of those opportunities and I don’t. And then as memories of all the stress hit…yeah, they can have it!!! Panic turned to excitement because I literally have a blank calendar to offer those I love!! I’m really excited about that because I get to say “yes” this year. I get to say yes to enjoying Thanksgiving without a looming weekend practice in order to get ready for the Hanging of the Greens service (which usually meant leaving the family that traveled to see us fending for themselves while I’m at practice), to baking and decorating all the favorite cookies that we rushed through in previous years, to not just googling but actually completing cool Christmas crafts with my child, to going on a Christmas date with my husband, to driving around and looking at Christmas lights without feeling pulled in different directions, and to taking time to savor the sights and sounds of Thanksgiving and Christmas with my friends and family. It’s as it should be! (lol, my child brought up last night on the way home from church that he's glad he doesn't have to worry about memorizing songs and lines and can just enjoy his holidays!)

I don’t “need” to do anything for God because He has done it all for me…all I “need” to do is rest in Him. It’s very freeing! Part of honoring God is to take care of me and to set those boundaries even within church life that preserve my time, energy, and health so I can give away what He wants me to give to the people He wants me to give it to. Boundaries help define who I am and it gives room to let others be who they are. Boundaries allow every person to take responsibility for their own lives and for their own calendars realizing that in the end, we only answer to God, not well-meaning Christians. And when I keep that perspective, there is joy in an empty calendar because it means God gets to fill it up and keep writing the story that He’s been writing…and to me, that is the pathway to freedom!

“God made my life complete when I placed all the pieces before Him.

When I got my act together, He gave me a fresh start.

Now I’m alert to God’s ways; I don’t take God for granted.

Every day I review the ways He works; I try not to miss a trick.

I feel put back together, and I’m watching my next step.

 God rewrote the text of my life when I opened the book of my heart to His eyes.”

Psalm 18:20-24 (Message)

Five Minute Friday (#FMFparty) gives writers a word prompt. We are encouraged to write whatever comes to mind about that word in just five minutes (although, I always go longer because FMF fuels that spark in me to write).  No editing, no perfection, only writing from the heart.  To find out more, visit http://fiveminutefriday.com/.  This week's word is "NEED".

It Depends on the Fire (#FMF)

Tonight is one of those nights where I feel like writing but I don't know what to write. Well, technically, there are many things to write yet they all seem too personal for a blog. For the past three weekends, I've sat at my laptop trying to come up with something for the FMF word and my mind keeps drawing blank. I can think of all the things that I'm "supposed" to say especially when I think of all the ways that the FMF word will be used by the many FMF bloggers in various spiritual contexts. Then, I think of my readers and wonder what is that one thing I can share with them that will encourage and challenge and my mind draws blank because the things I want to say don't come in a nice, neat package. The things from my heart that challenge others come from walking through the fire, getting burned, being nursed back to health only to be burned again, yet not as severe this time, and then being nursed back to health again. There is something that happens when we walk through the fire one too many times. If we don't resent the fire, we sometimes realize that the fire isn't all bad. It depends on the purpose of the fire and it depends on how we want to view it.

Sometimes when we walk through the fire, the heat of the fire burns off the old, dead, rotten places that no longer serve us. These are the places we cling to tightly because it's all we've ever known. We will never let go of these things on our own and the fire either forces us to let go or it teaches us how to let go. Either way, once that place has been scorched, we know it will never be the same again.

But sometimes when we walk through the fire, the heat of the fire prepares us for something yet to be discovered. I keep coming back to a glassblower's molten blob of glass on the end of his blow tube. The firey red hot blob glows and burns with extreme heat but it becomes extremely malleable. By the time the glassblower is done and the glass begins to cool, beauty emerges in shapes and forms that vary from one another--sometimes very distinctly and other times, ever so slightly. Each piece of glass work was hand-crafted by a master who had a plan and a vision to make something out of a firey blob.

When we get burned, there is also a process of healing that must happen. Each time we heal, we learn something about ourselves in the process. For some of us, healing comes when we learn to accept help. For others, healing comes when we can receive grace. Some learn that rest is required for healing while others learn that time is a great healer. It depends on the purpose of the fire as to what kind of healing will happen. What many fail to mention is that healing is sometimes as painful as the fire. But if we endure and embrace the process rather than resist it, we come out on the other side a different person because we have experienced healing for ourselves.

If we end up having to walk through the same kind of fire again, we are more confident that we will get through it. The healing that we previously experienced makes the fire a little more bearable because we know that even though the fire may be bad, it won't last forever. The fire eventually dies out removing the old, dead, rotten places, thereby leaving behind a new place where life and health can begin to grow.

"But now, this is what the Lord says—he who created you, Jacob, he who formed you, Israel: “Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze." Isaiah 43:1-2

Five Minute Friday (#FMFparty) gives writers a word prompt. We are encouraged to write whatever comes to mind about that word in just five minutes (although, I usually go longer bcs FMF helps fuel that spark in me to write).  No editing, no perfection, only writing from the heart.  To find out more, visit http://fiveminutefriday.com/.  This week's word is "DEPEND".

Neighbors In the Wilderness (#FMF)

Have you ever faced a wilderness season in your life? You know, the time when you feel all alone, wandering aimlessly trying to get somewhere but you’re not exactly sure where you are at or how far you have left to wander before you’re “there” (if you’re one of the lucky few to know where “there” really is)? We are not in familiar situations that we assumed we’d always be in nor are we fully comfortable with the new situations we find ourselves in. Some days, we blaze new trails while other days, we find ourselves trying to retrace old steps back to that comfort and security that we once took for granted. Along the way, we discover we are no longer who we once were but we are no longer who we want to be, and we realize that we’re not even sure that who we wanted to be is what we really will be when this journey through the wilderness is over. Sometimes I want to rush the journey and move on with these lessons and move on to the next chapter of my life. And other times, I want to pitch and tent and either have a pity party or simply rest and regroup because walking through the wilderness is depleting and exhausting.

The wilderness journey is intensely personal and only a journey we can make on our own. It gets pretty lonely at times because it seems like everyone else has already made it through to the other side or they know where they are going and are running full speed ahead leaving us choking on their dust and wondering how come they are able to move so quickly and we can barely find the strength to take the next step. But what if in the wandering and trying to keep up with others, we’re missing strategically and Divinely placed neighbors surrounding us who are ready to refresh, equip, and share with us what we need to stay on the journey one more day? And what if in the midst of our own wilderness, we are to be that kind of neighbor to someone else?

Wilderness and neighbors seem contradictory, but a neighbor can simply be defined as “a fellow man” (Merriam Webster). So in the wilderness context, where do we find a neighbor when there seems to be no one around us and the journey seems long and arduous? A neighbor is found in the person who comes alongside us even if it’s for a few minutes, a few weeks, or a few months. We can either acknowledge our neighbor or we can push them away fully missing out on how neighbors are able to assist each other, even momentarily, with whatever journey they are on. Ephesians 4:25 says, “What this adds up to, then, is this: no more lies, no more pretense. Tell your neighbor the truth. In Christ’s body we’re all connected to each other after all.”  

Are we too occupied with ourselves and what we do or don’t have, where we wish we were but aren’t, or who we want to be but fail to be that we’ve forgotten how connected we all are—that our neighbors need us as much as we need them? That we can encourage one another instead of compete with each other? That we can borrow strength from each other instead of walk all over each other? That we can learn from each other instead of try to discredit each other? That we can speak truth to each other rather than hide how much we are struggling through the wilderness? That we can let that truth deepen instead of hinder relationships as we walk through the wilderness?

As I walk through wilderness seasons, it is my neighbors that God uses mightily in my life. These neighbors speak God’s truth to me when I am weary of fighting. They pray when it feels like I have no more words left to pray. And they are simply just there...in some ways, they make God’s love tangible and remind me just how much we truly are NOT alone in the wilderness. It’s when I let go of the pretense and speak my truth and receive their truth which is centered around God’s truth that the wilderness becomes more sustainable. I am thankful that wilderness journey doesn’t have to be a solo journey, and I’m thankful for all the neighbors that God places in my path during the wilderness seasons!

Five Minute Friday (#FMFparty) gives writers a word prompt. We are encouraged to write whatever comes to mind about that word in just five minutes (although, I usually go longer bcs FMF helps fuel that spark in me to write).  No editing, no perfection, only writing from the heart.  To find out more, visit http://fiveminutefriday.com/.  This week's word is "NEIGHBOR".