Last summer, I got really sick of the word 'try'. I've spent all my life trying to be good enough for family, for friends, for church, for God, for everyone I came in contact with. It got extremely exhausting and I couldn't try anymore because I had nothing left physically, emotionally, and spiritually to give to anyone. Something had to change before I burned out beyond the point of no return. When I talked to church people about it, I was told to try reading the Bible more, try praying more, try giving more, try serving more, try to do more...more, more, more...and still nothing was changing no matter how hard I tried.
I was tired of being stuck and needed help getting unstuck because as the big 4-0 approaches, I didn't want to think about living the rest of my life burned out, always trying, and still never having the life I wanted. I wanted help reorienting my life and priorities with help that went beyond band-aid Christian answers. I didn't have it in me to try anything else. I couldn't fail at anything else nor did I want the pressure of trying anything else only to prove that failure. But key women in my life kept encouraging me to give God, new thought patterns, self care, and healthy choices for my mind, body, and soul a try. It wasn't about just trying something for one area of my life, but trying for wholeness in every area of my life. That's a tall order--that's life change!
Heaviness, discouragement, and pressure settled in every time I ended a conversation with a mentor especially if I told her "I'll try [whatever she suggested]." I also felt immature, childish, and like I shouldn't be struggling with trying these things. But I knew if I failed, I would give up on specific things and people and even God. And because I didn't want to lose those people, things, and God, I had to get serious about finding something that will work for me that might light the fire and fuel the change I needed. And that is when when I started making an intentional shift from "try" to "experiment".
When we experiment with something, we don't have a specific and set idea of how something will turn out which means grand expectations and unattainable results aren't our starting point and focus. Perfection doesn't exist with experimenting because we don't yet know what perfection means in light of the end result. We have a completely blank slate and a willingness for something to happen. We're not sure what the end result will be, but it's ok because we are just experimenting anyway.
With an experiment, we are allowed to make a mess, color outside the lines, try new things, throw things together or take things apart because we don't have guaranteed expectations for the results. We have hopes and guesses, but they aren't set-in-stone results. We have the freedom to simply be and simply do and let whatever happens, happen. When we experiment, we let go of how things should be and we open ourselves up to the process and to the learning, observing, and creating. Experimenting frees us from the box. It also frees others from the box, and it frees God from the box. Everything that we think is "supposed" to be, just might not be. And that gives us the freedom to ask, "What then?" leaving us to build on the result by experimenting further with the result.
When I made the shift and started experimenting with self-care (like saying "no" to people, not filling up every day on my calendar with activities, taking time read a book, doing restorative activities), I started realizing just how much I neglected myself and my family for the sake of church and God's people. God never once asked us to run ourselves ragged for Him. Instead, He constantly calls us into a time of rest and renewal and Christ gives us a clear example of that. When we sample that true, healing, life-giving rest, we begin to fight for it to happen in our lives because we know how refreshing and vital it is to our well-being.
When I started experimenting with tapping into the Holy Spirit and realizing that He's waaaay more than a centerpiece that we acquire upon salvation, my prayers started to change because His power and direction became something real. The Spirit started becoming this living presence in my life, not something that is "too charismatic" to talk or think about, not something I have to keep proving I'm good enough to have, and not something dependent upon church service and performance.
When I started experimenting with the idea that there might be more to life than constantly getting stuck in the same place every couple years, I started discovering a new way to live that is whole, freeing, and different than anything I've ever experienced. But this experimenting requires letting go of everything I have ever known and it dares me to take a different step. One step leads to another and to another, and over time, a new path is forged. Sometimes the steps are long and arduous, and I don't know if I can take one more step. But that's when I experiment "just one more time" by seeking God, reaching out for support, and having the gumption to simply take that next step. And each time, I'm pleasantly surprised to see that God is still there unloosening one more chain, transforming one more thought, and setting my feet on the right path.
Experimenting over trying allows me to walk in freedom--it's messy, it's imperfect, and it goes against tradition, logic, and predictability. And the beauty of experimenting is that when I fall down, I can get back up because I'm free to try again. And each time I fall and get back up, I'm building the endurance needed to keep moving forward.
Experimenting is not about success or failure or pushing ourselves to prove we can do it or that we are enough...it's about letting go, giving up our preconceived ideas, and taking risks in order to try things we haven't tried before and seeing a different result. And somewhere along the line, all the experimenting turns into desired living because we've learned in the process who we are, whose we are, and where we are headed.
"Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us." Romans 5:1-5 (ESV)Five Minute Friday (#FMFparty) gives writers a word prompt. We are encouraged to write whatever comes to mind about that word in just five minutes (although, I usually go longer bcs FMF helps fuel that spark in me to write). No editing, no perfection, only writing from the heart. To find out more, visit http://fiveminutefriday.com/. This week's word is "TRY".
