So my word for 2015 is:
RESTORE
Definition:
: to give back (someone or something that was lost or taken)
: to return (someone or something)
: to put or bring (something) back into existence or use
: to return (something) to an earlier or original condition by repairing it, cleaning it, etc.
Psalm 51:12-13
"Restore to me the joy of Your salvation, and uphold me by Your generous Spirit. Then I will teach transgressors Your ways, and sinners shall be converted to You." (NKJV)
Psalm 51:16-17
"Going through the motions doesn't please You, a flawless performance is nothing to You. I learned God-worship when my pride was shattered. Heart-shattered lives ready for love don't for a moment escape God's notice." (Message)
I love the synonyms for "restore" because God took us through the longest wilderness and we are finally on the other side of it. I wish I could say we journeyed well through the wilderness, but the longer we stayed, the more I let it take from me and I lost myself in the journey. However, on this side of the wilderness, there have been new seasons, new paths, new directions, and new opportunities that have taken me back to my roots--the things I enjoyed before I lost myself in the busyness and doing of ministry and the aimlessness of wandering in the wilderness. How refreshing it's been to remember those things that I lost, to be able to make music again, to be able to go to church simply to worship God, and to find solace in things that were once fun and familiar.
Yet the more I remembered my roots and rediscovered former joys, the more I found 2014 going in a different direction than I had planned. I freaked out because life wasn't going the way it was supposed to go. I was straying too far from my expectations, others' expectations, and everything familiar. It was taking me too far away from ministry as I knew it to be and it was leaving me with nothing recognizable.
To compensate for that, I found myself in the all-to-familiar pursuit of perfection because I felt like my performance was the only thing I could control (until even that became out of my control). Perfection at work, home, music, anything I committed to...it was exhausting and daunting. Can't tell you how many times I quietly cried myself to sleep because I felt so high maintenance and kept getting on my own nerves...that's when you know you have a problem!
I felt like I was running in circles for nothing except to prove to myself and to others that I still have it, that I can stay in the game, that I can still juggle lots of things and come out on top, that I can still do whatever God wants me to do even though it's not "formal" ministry and there isn't any signs of formal ministry ahead. I kept running toward the voices and expectations that others in ministry have had for me hoping that I'd run into whatever it is that God wanted for me when He's made it so clear that He has something else in mind and I keep resisting it.
However, a few weeks ago, I was floored when we began discussing Psalm 51 in our Sunday School class and God began speaking to me quite bluntly. He began reminding me of all that He had done on the cross and what it represented. God would send friends by to chime in with (not-so-) random thoughts about our identity in Christ. Some friends were nosy enough to ask what's going on and to help me see what's at the root of all of this. Through the unearthing, God began speaking even more and weaving this new theme of restoration into my life to where there's no escaping it.
How I need to be restored -- and I love the synonyms of "restore" because they paint a picture of what I want to see happen in my life. These words portray rest, strength and peace, not striving, manufactured faith, and running ragged to prove my capability to others.
These synomyns depict a much-needed shift that needs to happen in my mind, thoughts and actions. And they are such a great checklist for whether or not to add something into my already crammed schedule!
Psalm 51:12-13 is a process emptying myself of all that hinders me from real joy and destroying that root of pride. And it also reminds me that God has a desired order...we cannot reach/teach others until we first are filled with Him. Before I can make disciples, I have to be a disciple. Before I can lead others, I must be led first. I'm giving to others what I'm being filled with...and that's a scary thought. Am I giving the true gospel that changes lives or the man-made version that merely comforts lives? (Yes, this is already stuff I "know" but have forgotten along the way!)
Psalm 51:16-17 shoots down my tendencies toward perfection and performance. All of that pales in comparison of being real before God, of knowing we are so broken and in need of Him. But it means going beyond that place of acknowledging our need and purposefully living into what God wants us to be in Him.
Restore: It's reconstructing what I've torn down over the years. It's reinstating who I am in Christ and claiming it above circumstances and opinions. It's reintroducing the fundamentals of who God is and seeing His beauty and resting in His sovereignty. It's finding those things that rejuvenate and revitalize my life...rediscovering my passions and letting go of the activities and hobbies that I simply don't enjoy in this season of life. It's renewing my mind and replacing the defeatist thoughts and life's distractions with God's truth. It's giving the reins back to God again so He can renew and revive my life in His ways instead of according to my agenda. It's going back to all the things that I've learned over the years except for this time, it's purposefully letting it be more God than me. It's purposefully living out John 3:30--"He must increase, but I must decrease."
Restore ... it's perfect for 2015! Sometimes, it takes way more work to restore something than it does to trash it and start from the beginning, so I love the promises God has given me in Ephesians 6:10-18, Job 23:10, Philippians 1:6, and Jeremiah 1:4-9. Now it's time to hang on for the ride ...
