The month of May plus the whole archery Nationals experience from Day 1 of planning to the last day in KY taught me so much, like:
~The only one in control of my schedule/calendar is me so if I can’t find time to breathe, it’s an indicator that I lack self-boundaries;
~As a leader, not every request, complaint or drama-filled message needs an immediate reply (sometimes it’s a really healthy thing to let people sit in the tension of their drama and not have easy access to you);
~While I love the archery families and want to be there for them, it’s ok to take a break to eat my hot dinner that’s sitting upstairs in my hotel room first (after not having time to get a good lunch at Nationals) rather than meet parents because they want to talk real quick about archery…it’s rarely quick and your dinner will get cold and you’ll just get internally frustrated that you can’t say no and can’t hear what they are saying over your hunger. It is ok to stop and eat dinner first while it’s still hot, especially if you’ve made yourself available all day long and will be available again the next day (this applies to any leadership context—sometimes we just need to be reminded that it’s ok to take a break);
~When you lead an overnight trip of any kind, it’s ok to turn your phone off when you get back to the hotel and to let people figure out things on their own after hours (especially when all the information has been given out multiple times and there are other capable people available to help). Turning off the phone preserves sanity;
~You don’t know what you don’t know and what you don’t know, you’ll learn very quickly what’s going to work and what’s not and adjust accordingly. Most of the answers, adjustments and shifts happened internally in order to be able to make it through a multi-day peopling experience that required more giving out than I’ve ever experienced before (it was the first time I took a large group of people out of town);
~Sometimes hiding in the bathroom stall for 5 minutes throughout the day away from any people, noise and talking, and having that few minutes to simply breathe and “be” is way more effective than pouring caffeine and sugar down my body all day long;
~There are seasons when our life simply won’t operate in a balance (especially if there is a large event or project on your plate) and it’s ok if finding balance is impossible…that imbalance has an end date and you will get through that season and be ready to regain your footing. That also brings a whole new level of awareness, gratitude and appreciation for the other areas of your life and how they contribute to your wholeness;
~My support system is priceless and they consistently remind me that God will equip, strengthen and sustain in the various things He leads me to. I don’t know what I would do without my husband and my spiritual mom! And it means a lot to have a strong group of ladies that I can send an SOS to and know they will faithfully pray;
~Setting boundaries and trying to honor them teaches others about boundaries. It is good and necessary to set boundaries in order to steward your time and energy well;
~When you travel with people you work alongside with, you get to see another side to them. It’s so fun and it is a true gift when it deepens your appreciation of them; and
~Finally, everyone has their own opinions about what/how things should be done. It’s humanly impossible to make everyone happy. There is great freedom in knowing you are making the most solid decisions you can make based on what is best for the group as a whole and then letting people be responsible for their own responses and (un)happiness. Sometimes the healthiest thing for everyone is to let people go.
At the end of the day, don’t forget to take care of yourself while you take care of others! It has taken me a long time to learn this lesson, but it is absolutely vital in order to keep going and finish strong!
Linking up with Leigh Kramer and "What I'm Into" this month. It's a fun way to keep track of things that jumped out at me over the past few months.
Read & Reading
Read:
1. I Am a Church Member by Thom S. Rainer
This is a power-packed, read-in-one-sitting kind of book that puts church members into their place as it reiterates our role and purpose as church members. It's easy to let preferences and entitlement sneak into our perspective and hinder what all God intends for the church to be for us and others as we both attend and serve the church. I Am a Church Member covers these six areas:
I Will Be a Unifying Church Member
I Will Not Let the Church Be About My Preferences and Desires
I Will Pray for My Church Leaders
I Will Lead My Family to Be Healthy Church Members
I Will Be a Functioning Member
I Will Treasure Church Membership as a Gift
Favorite Quotes:
"I am a church member. I will not let my church be about my preferences and desires. That is self-serving. I am in this church to serve others and to serve Christ. My Savior went to a cross for me. I can deal with any inconveniences and matters that are just not my preference or style."
2. Spiritual Mothering by Susan Hunt
This book just got added to my growing list of "must read" books for women's ministry--books I wish I had 15 years ago when I entered ministry that offer specific wisdom from the trenches and from God's Word. What lessons and heart aches would've been spared if I had known some of these things. But at the same time, those lessons were opportunities for learning, pruning, and growth.
Spiritual mothering is a concept that touches me deeply for God has blessed me with many spiritual mothers to stand in the gap throughout my life. It literally has taken a village (or a church) of women to raise me all throughout my life (even still today). God has used older women so powerfully to teach me many things about God, life, marriage, ministry, and myself as I experienced firsthand the tremendous blessings and slicing heartaches of good and bad spiritual mothers. The thing that made the biggest difference with all of my spiritual moms is that they have consistently pointed me back to God through their conduct, example, and prayers. That is priceless!
As I read this book, Susan Hunt captured the essence of a spiritual mothering relationship which is simply "When a woman possessing faith and spiritual maturity enters into a nurturing relationship with a younger woman in order to encourage and equip her to live for God's glory." It's saying, "It's not enough for me to want to live for God's glory and for you to want to live for God's glory. I must want to help you live for God's glory. I must honestly want God's glory for your life."
And the God-factor is what sticks with a woman far beyond a season of investment into another woman's life. My favorite part of the book is how Hunt went beyond the usual illustrations from Ruth and Naomi's relationship and dissected Mary and Elizabeth's relationship as well as other women in the Bible bringing these relationships into a new light. This is, by far, one of the least fluffy books I've ever read on mentoring because it doesn't give the step-by-step "how to" approach as much as it outlines the "why" that is firmly routed in Scripture. Spiritual mothering has to begin with your relationship with God and your heart condition before it extends into a relationship with another woman.
In many ways, this book is a mentoring session in itself as the author shares her mothering heart and instructs and challenges us from the Word in a gentle yet straight forward, encouraging way. She removes the curriculum and program of mentoring and focuses it all back on God as the source and reason for it all in every area of our life (marriage, church, self-discipline, etc.). She concludes the book with this: "Involvement means taking risks, getting tired, and sometimes getting hurt. But I challenge you, my sister, to write your story into the fabric of another woman's life. This is not a call to a life of ease. It is a call to a life of involvement in serving the King by nurturing his daughters."
Favorite Quotes from Spiritual Mothering
(There are waaaay too many to choose from...)
"It's interesting that of all the ways Paul could have told the women to combat the decadence of their culture, he told them to invest their energies in training the younger women to live Christianly in their society. ... Paul was smart enough to know that women need women to train them how to apply God's Word to areas of our lives that are uniquely feminine. ... This is not a ministry of minutia; it is a vital part of church life that must not be pushed to the back-burner." (Titus 2)
"Until a woman has submitted her speech to the Lord, she surely cannot influence a younger women to build right relationships. Critical words destroy relationships. Younger women need to be taught how to affirm and encourage, how to love and accept, how to influence but not demand."
"Older Christian women must communicate a vision of the beauty of a marriage that endures. ... Only a passion for God's glory can overpower our self-interest. ... When a woman realizes the power of her loving acceptance of her husband and makes an all-out commitment to be his completor and not his competitor, he reaches heights he could never obtain without her."
"A woman who struggles with poor self-image is so enslaved that she cannot be a servant/nurturer. The only adequate antidote for the self-image problem is a Biblical knowledge of ourselves. ... Dorcas had experienced the encouragement that comes in knowing she had been accepted by Christ; this motivated her to accept others. Dorcas had a unifying effect in her church; God is glorified when believers are unified. And unity is impossible apart from acceptance."
"Failure to accept another reveals pride in my own heart: "I know what you should be, what you should do, and how you should do it--my way is right and best." It also reveals a lack of trust: "God is not changing you fast enough, so I must help Him."
3. Forward by Ronnie W. Floyd
This is a very simple leadership book reminding us that you need to keep moving forward as you lead others.
Favorite quotes from Forward:
"If Satan cannot get you to do the wrong thing, he will get you to do the right thing in the wrong way."
"Forward leaders are futuristic thinkers. They are not so impressed with their past that they become paralyzed. They are not so intoxicated with their present that they always celebrate and party. They always look ahead, preparing for what could be."
"If we have to tell people we are in charge, we probably are not in charge."
"It is the presence of God that sets each of us apart from other leaders."
"If we do not pray at all, we are depending on ourselves."
4. Move On by Vicki Courtney
It took me awhile to get into this book and to find the meat in it, but it ended up being a solid reminder of God's grace and mercy and the power of the cross.
Favorite Quotes from Move On:
"Healing comes when we learn to ignore the accuser's shameful reminders of our past sins. In doing so, shame loses the power of control in our lives."
"Far too many women are living in the past, defined by their sin, rather than being defined by God's grace in the present. ... Putting the past behind us is the result of not forgetting our past sins, but rather remembering their place on the cross. We can't move forward until we decide to forget the past. ... Rather, as we move forward, we do so with a vision of our sins nailed to the cross in our rearview mirror."
"Legalists feel safer in a world where progress can be evaluated and measured. A world where there are distinct markers (even if they are self-imposed) to gauge their spirituality."
"We must emphasize grace before we talk about commitment, because once grace becomes a believer's identity, commitment will follow." (in response to the Great Commission)
"Charles Spurgeon once said, "I have found, in my own spiritual life, that the more rules I lay down for myself, the more sins I commit." (See Colossians 2:20-23.)
5. The Best Yes by Lysa Terkeurst
This book is perfect for the woman who constantly finds herself drained and stuck doing a bunch of good things while continually sacrificing the things that she knows God wants her to do but doesn't have time to do. I've put off reading this book for awhile because I knew it would mean change. That's not a bad thing, but there is an odd sense of security that comes from busyness...it's predictable and safe and there is never a dull moment. Yet God has been making it clear in many ways that my security is coming from the wrong place. He has something for my life but I keep crowding it (and Him) out through busyness.
It was desperation to find a different way that drew me back to this book. It's one of those books that took several weeks to read because there was so much in it for my Type A, overachiever, I-know-I-can-be-Super Woman (but I'm about to collapse from the sheer busyness of everything) personality to digest. It was a tool that God wanted to use to lay out guidelines to help me weed out what is of Him and what's not of Him (even though it's for Him). Some of my yeses can't be undone right now and there are commitments to finish seeing through, but I can at least move forward from here by saying yes and no in the right way--God's way.
There were two things that stuck out above all else that I've been trying to implement as I discern whether to give a yes or no (oh, how I'm tired of giving yeses only to get into it and realize it should've been a no).
The first is, "Do I have the resources to handle this request along with my current responsibilities? Could this fit: physically? financially? spiritually? emotionally?"
Most of the time, I know when and where I'm overloaded, but this is the first time in my life where I've found my emotional resources all tied up and depleted. It's been a new experience to be in the midst of something and discover that there no emotional capacity left to deal with situations or people and my head literally feels like it's about to explode because of the sheer brain power or emotional investment that's been expended. And that's not healthy at all. It's actually kind of scary to be in that moment when you know if someone says/does the wrong thing, that's it, you're walking away because you have nothing left even though that's not your personality to do so. It's really forced me to evaluate, ask hard questions, and let go of things in order to reclaim capacity.
Second, there's got to be a way to get this list tattooed somewhere so it'll be the first thing I see whenever I consider whether or not to do something. Honestly, if I took the time to answer these questions, I wouldn't be doing half of what I'm doing today (scary thought!). Here are Lysa's suggestions for determining if the expectations that come from agreeing to a yes are realistic or not:
"It feels thrilling to say yes to this now. But how will this yes feel two weeks, two months, and six months from now?
Do any of the expectations that come from this yes feel forced or frantic?
Could any part of this yes be tied to people pleasing and allowing that desire to skew my judgment of what's realistic and unrealistic?
Which wise (older, grounded in God's Word, more experienced, and more mature) people in my life think this is a good idea?
Are there any facts I try to avoid or hide when discussing this with my wise advisors."
6. Praying in Color--Drawing a New Path to God by Sybil MacBeth
Sometimes we can become too legalistic with our prayers. We forget that God has given us freedom from formulas (aside from the Lord's Prayer) and that that He has given us freedom of expression and designed us in His creativity. When you carry that freedom into your prayer life, prayer comes alive. Praying in color is simply taking your prayers and instead of speaking them or journaling them, you're doodling them in such a way to focus your thoughts and actively engage in prayer. It's taking prayer requests or scripture and artfully meditating on it and praying over it where each line, each color, each design means something as you pray over the request or Scripture. It's great for the person who has a wandering mind when it comes to prayer. It's combining words with pictures and color to make a lasting impression in your mind that may pop up later and remind you to pray. I was introduced to Praying in Color in 2012 and it's something that I'll pull out every now and then to remind me that prayer is an expression of our faith that isn't bound by words. It revitalizes my prayer life and reminds me that prayer can be more than black and white words. God wants our prayer lives to be vibrant and full of life, so it makes sense to pray with crayons, markers, and paper. It took a lot of work for my conservative Baptist mind to wrap around the idea of praying in a visual way, but it's become special over the years to see what God has done with the doodled prayers and how He honors and answers those just as much as He answers the spoken word. This book is great for reminding us that prayer is about relationship and that God has given us all different ways to connect with Him creatively.
Music
Uncluttered by Gwen Smith
"So I'm cleaning out some closets, tearing down some walls. Things I've never needed that have been there way too long. Give myself completely with nothing in between, like the kind of love He has for me 'cause I want my love for Him to be always be uncluttered."
Grace Wins by Matthew West
There's a war between guilt and grace / And they're fighting for a sacred space / But I'm living proof / Grace wins every time
Reading Winter Morgan's Minecraft novels to my child. Two chapters each night are never enough (even for this mama). Morgan's has a way of bringing together my child's love for Minecraft and his vivid imagination through her stories. Plus, he keeps learning new game tricks through the characters' adventures.
Celebrating our 12th anniversary!! Twelve years later and I can still say that there is nothing more special than waking up and falling asleep next to your best friend. This year has added some new challenges as we enter into business together and experience life transitions, but these moments of celebration remind us of who we fell in love with and the beauty of our marriage when we are unified and seeking Christ together instead of merely co-existing and surviving the day to day without direction and purpose.
Field tripping with my family! We recently attended the Homeschool Day at Thomas Jefferson's Monticello. We are looking forward to cooler weather so we can get out more and do field trips. Late fall and winter are to us what summer is to everyone else. We take a lot of time off school for hands-on learning, traveling, and vacationing while the environmental allergens aren't as bad and then we buckle down with school during spring and summer. It's a little backward, but it works for us plus vacation and field trip destinations aren't insanely busy in the off-season so we get most of the places to ourselves.
A few weeks ago, I began wondering why this person can take a vacation and not have to check in but I feel like I have to all the time. Then I was wondering how that person could leave everything behind to have a spur-the-moment family day and not think twice about skipping out on a meeting. Then I got to wondering why could another person have all that time with their children but then I keep getting asked to squeeze more into my packed schedule. And I wondered, "When does it stop? Why can't I go on vacation and leave everything behind? Why can't I take family days and turn off my phone/email? Why can't I say I no to activities when my calendar is bursting at the seams?" And then it hit me, I can!!!!
When I honestly answer the "Why can't I?" question, I see what is at the root of it. From there, I can make the necessary changes to live out the answer to that question. My "Why can't I?" answers lie in self-imposed busyness, the inability to say no, and the fear of failure, fear of disapproval, and the fear of missing out on opportunities. And when you line that up with God and His Word, it becomes so obvious where I'm missing the mark once again. And I see where I desperately need God to infuse every single step, every single word, every single thought! (See Phil. 4:5, Ecc. 3:1, Heb. 3:13, Gal. 1:10, Matt. 6:24, I John 4:18.)
One thing that I've been understanding lately is that we teach others how to treat us. And in that, I've been discovering that no one is going to outright give me permission to take a break. No one is going to stand there and make me take time for myself and for my family. And generally the same people that are quick to tell me that I need to slow down and put my family first are the ones that have no shame in throwing more on me. And, they are the ones that know how and when to call in a break for themselves without guilt and without the need to check in. Hmmmmmm...it really makes one stop and analyze what's going on and why. In retrospect, people keep asking me to do things because I always say yes. They keep giving because I keep taking. And they keep offering because I keep doing regardless of cost. Frankly, I'm a quick, definite yes!
However, there is nothing wrong at all with people asking me to do things. There are definitely things I want to do and love doing and would never even know about if I wasn't asked! But there comes a point when it's time to grow up and realize that I am the only one responsible for my yeses and nos. I am the one responsible for setting my limits and boundaries. These things just don't happen without my intentional intervention. And I have to understand that life is a marathon, not a sprint. It's a journey, not a destination, and just insert what other cliche fits here.
There truly is merit to pacing ourselves. I'm always eager to jump into everything with both feet and give 100%, but I'm discovering that it's okay to enter into things slowly. We have to pace ourselves because when we run at full speed ahead, we easily run over God without meaning to. When we constantly say yes without thinking about it, we are saying no to the God-ordained pace for our lives. And when we say no to God's pace for our lives, it's where we find that we are living out of ourselves instead in Christ. It's where we find ourselves striving so hard to fulfill everyone's expectations (including our own) that we project those expectations as coming from God when in reality, He never once asked for our striving. It's where we follow our plans and hopes for each day rather than take time to seek God for what He wants us to accomplish each day. That's where we're getting it wrong.
Great freedom comes from living out of the "I can!" answer to the "Why can't I?" question when the "I can" is rooted in our view of God and His plan and pace for our lives.
This weekend, we attended the HEAV Leadership Conference for those leading homeschool support groups and co-ops. It was the first time I attended anything "leadership" since stepping down from lay ministry leadership and taking a year hiatus from it all.
There were many times I second-guessed my decision to step down, but I knew it was necessary. I didn't realize how much that one-year off was changing and shaping me until I was at the leadership conference this weekend. All the waiting, all the tears, all the people left behind, all the emotionally-charged prayers and all the waiting (again) was really pruning in disguise after all. There was rhyme and reason (and even rhythm) when, at times, it seemed like there was nothing left except wondering if God had forgotten about me in the desert.
Listening to the keynote while being on this side of things was enlightening. How I wished I had known all of this a few years ago before going into myMISSION/WMU. Yet sometimes, experience leaves that lasting impression that words could never reach.
Things I heard and read about in 2011 that didn't make sense, made perfect sense this weekend as everything came around in a full circle! This weekend was a much needed building block that gave me hope and a renewed purpose to keep moving forward as God leads even if it's not what I envisioned for myself and for my family. I need to keep praying, waiting and seeing this process through until God produces His desired result!
The keynote speaker encouraged us to read Exodus 17-18 which is one of my favorite leadership passages. Yet, I realized this weekend that I have never sought to understand it and that is why I keep missing the mark! This Exodus passage, the keynote and even other leaders I spoke with kept pointing out in roundabout ways that leadership is discipleship (aka relationship)...nothing more, nothing less! It's not what you do or are qualified to do nor what you have done in the past nor your potential for the future. It's not about the accolades and glowing recommendations you receive nor about the number or groups that you have led. I know that, but I don't "know" that at the same time. The achiever/doer in me still tries to prove that I'm the leader everyone thinks I am while Christ in me is begging to silence that so that I can simply "be" before Him so His overflow in my life is what I am giving to others.
Several times this weekend, the keynote talked about how leadership is pouring into people what God has poured into us and helping them become more like Jesus. That is what the definition of discipleship is. Whenever we lead in that mindset, we are continually passing on to others rather than holding on and doing things ourselves and merely having people follow us...another thing I know but don't "know"!
The other thing that kept jumping out at me this weekend was how much a leader needs to let go! Part of the letting go is clearly defining expectations and directions to the team and then removing my hands from it and letting the team have the experience so they can learn and grow, too. I look back at my WMU days and see where I had the verbiage and thought I was letting people learn on their own. And they did do things and did them well but according to how I wanted them done and to my approval, never fully relinquishing control or giving enough trust in the team I had. If leadership is discipleship, then I must clearly and fully communicate (rather than assume), instruct (rather than give info), and then step back (rather than making sure it's always done right). I'm really seeing why some things worked and other things didn't with myMISSION/WMU and why some of the leadership hurdles tripped me up.
Here I am one year later and this leadership hiatus has changed my priorities, shifted mindsets and raised questions that I haven't been able to answer. However, yesterday, I was reminded of the fact that leadership is about continually passing on to others. So, what is it I am passing on? How am I passing it on? And, why am I passing it on? The answers to these questions remove the indecision and bring clarity and focus. I am reminded that God has a distinct plan for leadership and if I follow it as outlined in Exodus 18:17-23 rather than follow any human leader or man-made leadership ideal, the same mistakes will not be made twice!
Exodus 18:17-23 (MSG):
"Moses’ father-in-law replied, “What you
are doing is not good. You and these people who come to you will only
wear yourselves out. The work is too heavy for you; you cannot handle
it alone. Listen now to me and I will give you some advice, and may
God be with you. You must be the people’s representative before God and
bring their disputes to him. Teach them his decrees and instructions,
and show them the way they are to live and how they are to behave. But select capable men from all the people—men who fear God, trustworthy
men who hate dishonest gain—and appoint them as officials over
thousands, hundreds, fifties and tens. Have them serve as judges for
the people at all times, but have them bring every difficult case to
you; the simple cases they can decide themselves. That will make your
load lighter, because they will share it with you. If you do this and
God so commands, you will be able to stand the strain, and all these
people will go home satisfied.”
2013 HEAV Homeschool Convention (www.heav.org) ... thought-provoking, affirming and fun! It was what I expected and not what I expected all at the same time! Several helpful bloggers prepared me well with their tried-and-true tips! All the pre-planning (circling vendors, making curriculum lists and having a flexible schedule) removed a lot of guesswork from the weekend! There was so much to take in from "everything-homeschool" to all the God-things which reminded me of why He called our family to homeschool!
By Saturday afternoon, my mind was overflowing with thoughts that I took a break from the workshops to just sit and write (and write and write)! I'll post some of my thoughts and lessons from the HEAV convention over the next few weeks.
The biggest thing that I noticed about homeschoolers from this past year of homeschooling was confirmed many times throughout the workshops: Most homeschoolers are pioneers (think the pentagon lifeshape for fivefold ministry). They see the plight of the church and what it has become and where it's headed. But rather than settle for complacency or try to fix a broken structure that doesn't want to be fixed, a lot of homeschoolers break the mold and become the church as a family unit.
They strip away everything and get back to the basics of discipling their own children first. They remove the programs (church and educational) and make it about relationship first and education second. I was speechless as I heard the MP3 as Michael Farris (HSLDA) in "The Homeschooling Father" workshop echo the very things God was saying to me as I struggled over whether or not to homeschool as it developed into a heart issue between family vs. ministry.
The words in my journal in Summer 2012 were this:
How can I expect to disciple these young women when I'm not even discipling my own child? How can I show others what it means to invest in the next generation when I don't even have time to invest in my child? What am I telling my child if I spend all my time investing in others when he's standing here crying out for my attention but I'm too busy to give it to him? What am I showing him about Jesus and what am I showing others about Jesus if I give to everyone but to the One and the ones that matter most to me? As much as I believe that leadership starts with the leader and works outward to the leadership team and then to the entire group, wouldn't it make sense to model that on the home front, too, not just for ministry/missions? What good is it if I spend time discipling others but fail to disciple my family and lose my family in the process?
Michael Farris's words in his workshop echoed that:
"If I'm not discipling my own children first, I don't have any credibility for ministry. I have no message, I have no ministry."
Though the homeschool jargon is a bit different than WMU jargon, the underlying message is the same -- it's all about day-to-day missional living which makes the biggest Kingdom impact (see Matthew 25).
When homeschoolers get back to the basics and learn to follow Christ together as a family unit, it can't help but flow outward and impact the church and the world. These homeschoolers are in our communities serving as they can. They are making a difference because they aren't bound to a classroom every day and have more freedom to go where God wants them to go. Missions becomes education and education becomes missions without waiting for the church to get it or to catch up.
It was neat to see how all of these conclusions from our first year of homeschooling were reiterated this weekend. God tied a lot of the loose ends together and showed me why He asked me to take a break from all outside ministry (WMU and church) rather than make the four-year commitment to being Association WMU Director. There will be time for that later on, but now is a season of quietness, a season of fighting for balance, a season for discipline as we flesh out our convictions and align our lives accordingly, a season to continue building on the foundation that was started during our first year of homeschool.
The other thing I noticed is that homeschool leaders are actively and thoughtfully living out their faith as God leads and when God leads without dissecting every little thing or calling meetings to discuss every little detail. They don't create committees or gather permission from leadership. They know how to act independently. These experiences all create courage, conviction and faith because, most of the time, homeschoolers are walking alone against culture and even the church. It's about living out God's Word in the home and which, in turn, impacts everything around them. The great part about it is that this isn't just for homeschoolers...it's for anyone who chooses to live by the Word and run their family by the Word.
Looking back, the HEAV Convention wasn't about rallying the troops or convincing/guilting people into homeschool. It was about equipping the troops already in the homeschooling trenches and giving them instruction and encouragement to press on and to keep following God by holding true to the things He's revealed in His Word. Amazing weekend with lots to process!!
I had one of those pleading, tearful, little girl, whiney "God, what in the world do You want me to do?" type of prayers last night with regards to where He wants me. It's a prayer that follows God's previous answer of "it's not the about the answer, but the process." However, in my mind, the process has gone on long enough and I'm worn out from dealing with the criticism and opposition and wondering how much more I have to endure.
A few minutes after that prayer, God answered with a response that silenced the questions! God impressed upon me that until I can even attempt at doing what He outlined for me in Psalm 112:5-9 (The Message), I'm in no position to make a decision about what He wants me to do!
"The good person is generous and lends lavishly; no shuffling or stumbling around for this one, but a sterling and solid and lasting reputation. Unfazed by rumor and gossip, heart ready, trusting in God, Spirit firm, unperturbed, ever blessed, relaxed among enemies, they lavish gifts on the poor--a generosity that goes on and on and on. And honored life! A beautiful life!"
Unfazed, trusting, unperturbed, relaxed among enemies?????? Yeah, right!!!!! That's the last thing I am!! My initial thoughts are that it's totally impossible and I can think of 101 excuses why. But, it all comes down to basic faith--do I trust God or not?
Do I trust God to grow me in such a way that I can live a beautiful life that speaks of Him?
Can I let go and let God take me to the place where I'm unperturbed (aka unruffled, unworried, undisturbed)?
Can I open my arms wide enough to my Father so He can love through me to the point where I can sit relaxed among my enemies, secure in who I am in Christ, so that I may see their soul instead of all the wounds they caused?
Can I get to a place where His voice is the only one that matters so that I may be unfazed by what others say (good or bad)?
What needs to happen to make my heart ready so that out of it only comes right living and right speech (Prov. 4:23)?
And how can I be a better steward of all that God has given me so that I can continue pouring out on others?
No wonder God answered as He did! There is some aligning that needs to happen! And I have no doubts that by the end of this journey, I will know exactly what God wants me to do! Awesome!
p.s.
From Ron Edmondson, Pastor and Christian Leadership Guru:
"We can miss the blessings God is providing by focusing on the distractions of a few critics we may never please…regardless of what we do."
"Everything can be going according to plan. God can be working in your life, but the critic can destroy your perception of reality."
"Get wisdom! Get understanding! Do not forget, nor turn away from the words of my mouth. Do not forsake her, and she will preserve you; Love her, and she will keep you. Wisdom is the principal thing; therefore get wisdom. And in all your getting, get understanding." Proverbs 4:5-7
My biggest piece of leadership advice from 2012 for any young leader is to let wisdom and discretion be your guide in everything, including relationships! If you have those unexplainable gut feelings and red flags, never, ever ignore them! Ignoring them can cost you greatly! Proverbs is soooo true about how wisdom shows you the way and how necessary it is to chase after her and maintain sure footing!
Yet when we lay wisdom aside, we find ourselves in places we never intended to go! In 2012, I needed those unintended places so I could realize my identity in Christ. But wow, did the lessons have to be so hard and painful? Maybe so, for they taught me that as a leader, wife, mom and daughter of God, I'm accountable for everything I say and do. Some consequences are ones you'll never see on the outside, but ones I see so clearly on the inside as God has shown me what He could have done but couldn't because of me (either by choices, playing games with Him or holding back from Him).
There still are moments when feelings of pure embarrassment and foolishness rush in from situations during 2012. Yet, these feelings serve as scars--scars that remind me of God's forgiveness, grace and love. Without understanding what He has done for me on the cross and how that affects every aspect of life and ministry, I couldn't move forward. These scars also remind me of the price we pay when our identity isn't solidly in Christ and when we get side-tracked by others or things we think we need (or are missing out on). And, these scars remind me of 2012...a year of mistakes that I don't care to repeat again.
In 2012, I learned the hard way that leaders have to be careful in who they trust...it matters greatly and affects waaaaaay more than you can imagine when you trust the wrong person. I've seen it happen to others in the past, but this is the first time it's ever happened to me. Sometimes, people you regard as a great leader or mentor will use you (yes, that's a tough fact to swallow), look you straight in the eye and lie to you (and then you begin to notice how they do it to others), and they say things they know you want to hear in order to get what they want from you.
And, be leery of the words, "This stays between us!" Use that phrase as a warning! If those words have to be uttered pre-conversation, then maybe this isn't a conversation worth having with that person. People you fully trust and who trust you, don't need those words because trust and confidentiality is a given. However, live by the fact that everything you say can be repeated (and added on to) so be careful in what you say and who you choose to say it to.
I also learned to not always take people at face value, to make people earn my trust rather than freely give it to them (that's a work in progress), and to speak up and not be afraid to ask questions (even if they are older or are a mentor).
I learned that just because someone is older than you and has been in ministry longer than you doesn't mean that they are automatically living in God's power and have a devoted relationship with Him. So choose your mentors wisely...they will affect you either positively or negatively. Sometimes, it's not until after the mentoring relationship is over that you see how much they were preying on your weaknesses (sins) and how "not right" for you that relationship was. And as you look back, you start seeing where God was like, "Hey! ... Hi!? ... Hello???? ...." and you totally missed it because you were standing on someone else instead of God!
See why living by the Proverbs is crucial to a young leader? It spares you from the hard life lessons! It's never too late to start listening to Proverbs. Sure, it might make you feel foolish all over again as you read your situations in black and white, but there is something strangely comforting about seeing your life lessons in the Word because it's where you begin to see God's hand even in your mistakes, God's love that never fails, and God's desire for us to live a better way! So, carry on ... but wisely! :)
Last Friday, another mass school shooting rocked our
world.As the days have passed by, media and America
has increased its cry for something to be done.Neither political party seems to have an answer and no "expert"
on guns, education, and psychiatry can manage an intelligible answer except for
"we need to have more conversations."
Do Americans not realize that we are wasting time by
talking about the need to have conversations on the tough issues when we could simply start having these conversations?The need was there long before last week...why
weren't we talking then?And what about
those who have been trying to talk all along but their message hasn't been
heard?A knee-jerk response will create
ineffective legislation which will hurt, label and probably tax more than help.But then prolonging the conversations will
make our instant-gratification society bored and quickly forget what is
important and why.
In talking, we must not forget the conversations within our
churches.Why not
consider looking at what Christians have allowed our churches to become?What are we doing to help the mentally ill
aside from raising our eyebrows at their vulnerability when they admit that
they are taking meds and later gossiping about them (via the "prayer
request" method) as if we have never struggled with seasons of anxiety,
depression or loneliness ourselves?What
are we doing to reach out to today's young adults aside from saying, "Yes,
we want you in church!" but then fail to reach out to them outside of
their own programming or give support beyond the Sunday or Wednesday
service?What are we doing to be voices
in our community when we can't even find our own voices in our own churches to
stand up against compromise, cliques and comfortable faith?
We have created this bubble that exists within our
churches.Within this bubble, we are
comfortable and safe.And, whoa!Shame on the person who dares to speak up against
that bubble!I learned that the hard way
this week as I made a FB comment about the shooter and then quickly deleted it
after being reprimanded.
We are the ones who have graded ours (and everyone else's) sins.We are the ones who created standards and then rationalized them when we couldn't keep them ourselves.We are the ones who have taken over God's
decision on who is worthy of God's love and who is not!We've fooled ourselves into thinking that we
aren't that bad but in reality, we are all mere choices away from committing a
heinous crime.The only difference is
that we are choosing Christ.We have
chosen to experience His mercy, forgiveness and grace!
While we saw lostness in the worst way last week, I can’t
help but see that God’s love still overshadows everything!Are we supposed to ignore the fact that this
shooter and every other criminal is made in God's image just like us?That if that criminal accepted Christ, then he would be
in heaven next to us?That thought is a
little nauseating, honestly. And then I have to stop and listen to myself as I
judge this man and hold him to what I think God wants while totally ignoring my
own sins in the process.Is not envy or gossip or failing to rest in the same Ten Commandments list
as murder and adultery?Did not the same
God who fashioned me with His hands fashion that murderer with His hands also?Did not the same God who sent His
son to die on the cross die for that man as well?Doesn't the Bible mention that God is not a respecter
of persons so that means God offers mercy, love, forgiveness and judgment to
everyone equally? And that all of this comes down to personal choice?
What missions/ministry opportunities have been lost
because we failed to see and love others as God does?Please know that in no way
am I condoning what happened last week, but I can't help but see a broken, lost young man--a man that, who knows, might have made a completely opposite choice had the Body of Christ stepped in and ministered to his family from the beginning.This family might have made different choices
had a Believer taken time to simply hear the desperate cries of this mother who
was at her wits end.Or, they might have been
led to resources and/or connections to Christian professionals who believed
in the power of prayer and in the power of God to transform lives.
I look around me and see broken people
everywhere...no one is exempt from brokenness. How many times do I pretend not to see brokenness because I don't know what to say or do? How many times have we wished that someone (even
someone from our own churches) would step outside of Facebook and/or the Sunday
services and be a real face, a real ear, a real hug or a real voice? What if that was the one chance that would
change the course of everything in that person’s life? What if that was the one chance that could have prevented last week's deaths from happening?
After last week, we have got to pop that safe Christian
bubble that we're in!We have to go
against the grain, have courage to leave our church cliques and man-made ideals behind and look at life through
God’s eyes!We also have to nurse
the broken in our churches so we can nurse the broken outside of our churches.
Yes, it’s uncomfortable, it's messy and it's real.When we get beyond ourselves and see the
heart of God yet fail to act, our lives become equally uncomfortable, messy and
real as we make a blatant choice to ignore God and reap the consequences of it (been
there, done that and it's not fun)!
I keep sensing this urgency that we are missing the mark as
the church and it's time to stop playing around, time to stop sitting in our
comfy churchy bubbles and truly live out what the Bible says.For those who already are, hope is around the
corner and we have to stay the course and know Who we are looking at regardless
of who is (or isn’t) walking alongside us! It's tough and it's lonely sometimes, but keep hanging on!
(Time to finish the post that's been sitting in my draft box for a couple weeks...better late than never!)
"For if you remain completely silent at this time, relief and deliverance will arise for the Jews from another place, but you and your father’s house will perish. Yet who knows whether you have come to the kingdom for such a time as this?” Esther 4:14
Over the past couple months, there have been several new "soul stirrings"...things that don't make sense but I know are part of something larger, something God wants to do but isn't yet named.
As the Presidential election came to a conclusion last night and while reading many insights from trusted Christian leaders, it brought together some of the hesitations and fears I've had about accepting a new ministry role in May with a time commitment that lasts the same length of this Presidency!
One of my fleshly hesitations has been what happens if I'm in this role and the world literally falls apart? Will I be able to keep it together personally in order to be a calming force, a leader that doesn't wimp out when life gets tough? Will I be able to hang in there and encourage other women going through the same things or will I quickly retreat in fear? Will I know my God enough and trust Him enough to continually point others to Him no matter what may unfold in this world? Will my life be filled with this unquenchable joy that speaks only of God in the midst of chaos? Then, I have to stop as I realize that I can't do this and who am I to even think I could do this? Am I even ready for this kind of responsibility?
But, God instantly calms my heart with this surety that He is in control and that there's no need to worry. He keeps showing me that the face of leadership is about to shift somewhat (crazy sounding, I know). What was required of a leader today will be different four years from now. Will I know what God wants or will I shove my head in the sand?
As I look over the next four years of where God wants to place me as well as seeing the political state and leadership of America, I see where the definition of Christian/ministry leadership will go back to the most basic form in order for all of us to make it through these uncertain times together. Programs, numbers, money will fade into the distance as leaders can't solidly rely on these things as they once could. Priorities will change as those they lead need more hope and encouragement than ever before to make it through worldwide chaos more so than they need another ministry goal, committee meeting (where nothing is accomplished) or sugar-coated sermons. Prayer will become forefront as people realize that prayer is about all they have left but then realize that being before God is where everything is at.
Leadership will be about simplifying, getting rid of the clutter in our lives and in our churches and ministries and getting back to the very basics that we've lost underneath all the good that we have done. It'll be about meeting needs right where we are at and putting legs to our faith rather than having more conversations about it and how to do it. It'll be about the people once again without the distractions of objectives, initiatives or standards.
Through the simplifying, we'll come to a point of true missional living where we see a picture much larger than ourselves. What was once the focus in the beginning days of ministry will come back into clear view as we strip down to God's original two commandments in Matthew 26:36-38: "Jesus said to him, “‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.’ This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like it: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’" That is where changing the world, true missions and discipleship all take place!
While I'm hesitant about the next four years, I'm optimistic. I keep thinking of Mordecai's words to Esther in Esther 4:14 and have to wonder if everything God has allowed me to go through, all the lessons He has taught me and all the people and resources along the way have been in preparation for such a time as this. I can see patterns, specificity and purpose to so many things that God has done that all lead up to this point. I see the women all around me and I'm excited, energized and ready. Yet I also see the news, hear the prophecy sermons and raise my eyes over the cost of groceries and start to question as I know that where God is sending me goes beyond a missions organization and church life.
I don't know what tomorrow brings nor do I feel I fully understand the role God is preparing me for as He keeps showing me different aspects to it. It's taken a couple months, but God has led me to this point where I have a deep-seated peace that He is with me and will equip me in specific ways to best serve and encourage the women in my path through myMISSION PIEDMONT and Piedmont WMU ~ for such a time as this!
(Disclaimer: This post is a culmination of events not geared toward any one particular church, ministry, group or person. And leave it to God to really echo the things I've been reflecting on through one of the speakers at our Association Annual meeting on the first night--a much-needed breath of fresh air!)
Are we as the church buying into a false illusion that because we hosted this neat community event or special church service with exciting activities and entertaining special guests that we have done all we can to impact our community and lead someone to Christ? What happens when the church thinks they are doing outreach when, in reality, there is nothing outward about it except for a Facebook invite or open invitation in the newspaper? And, what gives when a guest walks into the church or a church-sponsored event and no one makes personal contact with them (I Corinthians 13:1-7)?
How do we as the church continually fail to understand that whenever someone walks into our doors (or groups) that they are searching for something? It could be salvation, but what if it's something as "simple" as a word of encouragement or a nugget of hope or a moment of shared friendship--something to help them through a dark time in their life, something to make sense of all the confusion, something to explain the unexpected blessings or provisions?
Over the past 1 1/2 years, I've had this unique experience of visiting and/or having contact with various churches and Christian groups throughout Virginia and in other states. Though every visit and/or contact has been God-ordained and quite an adventure, a few churches have made an impression so deep that it seriously boggles my mind. How can we as the church continually miss the obvious? And if I, as a young woman who grew up in church/ministry, feel soooo out of place in church, what is it like for someone who has never experienced church?
Not too long ago, we attended a church gathering quite a few miles away from here. What was supposed to have been this "exciting, incredible, you can't miss it" gathering ended for us about ten minutes after we arrived as only one person in the sea of faces acknowledged our presence and made us feel wanted. Many looked our way but quickly looked away so not to make eye contact at our questioning faces (we had no clue where to go or what to do/schedule, etc.). We felt like total outsiders. I kept thinking, what if we weren't Christians and received that same kind of response? What in that situation would make us want to know more about Christ and about the church? What would draw us back there? Honestly, nothing.
Unfortunately, what happened at that gathering has been somewhat representative of this past year. For all the good that churches do, there is still something lacking as we have become blinded to what we have become as the body of Christ. That blindness keeps us from discovering what all God has in mind for the church.
We fail to see the people because all we see is ourselves, our groups of friends, our familiarity. We fail to see souls because we have become so immune to our own souls, devoid of a consistent relationship with God yet knowing exactly how to turn on and off that relationship when needed (especially when in Christian circles).
We fail to see that Christ is everything because we fill ourselves up with anything that looks good and then try to cram God into whatever room is left for Him. We watch the same TV shows and movies, drink the same drinks, wear the same skimpy clothes (well, if we can fit into them), say the same "choice words" and have become so much like our world that we blend in just enough to get by. But is getting by what God meant for us as His children? Is getting by what God meant for the church? No...not at all (I Corinthians 10:23-24)! And, sadly, we are so blinded as Christians and as the church--if not by our traditions then by our culture (I Corinthians 8:9-13).
What's the cure? But, then again, what's the point especially when so many in our churches don't even care (or care to the point of loyalty to man over God)? Who has the courage to take a stand, to live consistently even if it means living differently so the world can see an unmuddled God (II Corinthians 3:17-18)? The church as it is isn't working at 100%.
So since I can't just go out and change the church, the question becomes how can I be the change I want to see? How can I best live out the church as God has shown me so that others can see Him and His direction and desire for the church? How can I contribute to the church (II Corinthians 2:7-8)? And in those churches that we go to where we would much rather get a speeding ticket than endure another moment there, how does God want us to respond aside from excusing ourselves out of there as fast as we can? What kind of example is that setting for my family as well? It gets a little personal when we put that kind of spin on it especially when we see where we contribute to the problem by not having the courage to do something about it.
...Just food for thought--take it for what it's worth!
I Corinthians 13:1-7
If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don’t love, I’m nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate. If I speak God’s Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, “Jump,” and it jumps, but I don’t love, I’m nothing. If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don’t love, I’ve gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I’m bankrupt without love.
I Corinthians 10:23-24
Looking at it one way, you could say, “Anything goes. Because of God’s immense generosity and grace, we don’t have to dissect and scrutinize every action to see if it will pass muster.” But the point is not to just get by. We want to live well, but our foremost efforts should be to help others live well.
I Corinthians 8:9-13
But God does care when you use your freedom carelessly in a way that leads a fellow believer still vulnerable to those old associations to be thrown off track. For instance, say you flaunt your freedom by going to a banquet thrown in honor of idols, where the main course is meat sacrificed to idols. Isn’t there great danger if someone still struggling over this issue, someone who looks up to you as knowledgeable and mature, sees you go into that banquet? The danger is that he will become terribly confused—maybe even to the point of getting mixed up himself in what his conscience tells him is wrong. Christ gave up his life for that person. Wouldn’t you at least be willing to give up going to dinner for him—because, as you say, it doesn’t really make any difference? But it does make a difference if you hurt your friend terribly, risking his eternal ruin! When you hurt your friend, you hurt Christ. A free meal here and there isn’t worth it at the cost of even one of these “weak ones.” So, never go to these idol-tainted meals if there’s any chance it will trip up one of your brothers or sisters.
II Corinthians 3:17-18
Whenever, though, they turn to
face God as Moses did, God removes the veil and there they
are—face-to-face! They suddenly recognize that God is a living, personal
presence, not a piece of chiseled stone. And when God is personally
present, a living Spirit, that old, constricting legislation is
recognized as obsolete. We’re free of it! All of us! Nothing between us
and God, our faces shining with the brightness of his face. And so we
are transfigured much like the Messiah, our lives gradually becoming
brighter and more beautiful as God enters our lives and we become like
him.
II Corinthians 2:7-8
Now is the time to forgive this man and help him back on his feet. If all you do is pour on the guilt, you could very well drown him in it. My counsel now is to pour on the love.
My dear child, don’t shrug off God’s discipline, but don’t be crushed by it either. It’s the child he loves that he disciplines; the child he embraces, he also corrects.
God is educating you; that’s why you must never drop out. He’s treating you as dear children. This trouble you’re in isn’t punishment; it’s training, the normal experience of children. Only irresponsible parents leave children to fend for themselves. Would you prefer an irresponsible God? We respect our own parents for training and not spoiling us, so why not embrace God’s training so we can truly live? While we were children, our parents did what seemed best to them. But God is doing what is best for us, training us to live God’s holy best. At the time, discipline isn’t much fun. It always feels like it’s going against the grain. Later, of course, it pays off handsomely, for it’s the well-trained who find themselves mature in their relationship with God.
Hebrews 12:5-11 (MSG)
Back in the winter, disappointment, frustration and impatience got the best of me as I reacted instead of prayed about a situation. I vented out of pure emotion (in an email of all things) and it didn't stay confidential. Though it sounds like a little thing and "we've all done that" at least once in our lives, it turned out to be costly in so many ways. I doubt that it was as costly to those who received the email vent as it was to me personally.
It was one of those life lessons that showed me reality, humbled me in unspoken ways and thoroughly broke me so I could see myself as God sees me (the good, the bad and the ugly--especially the areas that were lacking Him). It's probably been the most defining moment for me this year.
Though many months have passed since "the email", the consequences have been just as powerful as they were the day it happened as pockets of division (in more than one relationship) and bitterness began to creep in. And even though the months have been lined with consequences, "the email" brought many blessings that spoke so much to the extent of God's grace, the healing that comes through community and the strength that comes from finding our full identity in Christ.
There were days when this mistake paralyzed, distracted and haunted me as it was hard to recover from. Every time I think I "got it" and learned all there was to learn from that situation, God would unearth something else until we finally reached the root of the issue.
It's been so tempting to give a cheesy excuse and walk away from it all because, face it, it's flat-out easier to do that than to deal with the issues. Yet, deep down inside, I knew I needed this. I needed to hit rock bottom in order to see where I was lacking. I needed to see that God wanted way more than skill, creativity, strategy and forward movement (even if it was for Him). I needed to see that ministry is all about love and working in harmony with others as the body of Christ. And if we can't do that, then we have no right leading others toward Christ. Because when love isn't at the root of any relationship, it's not reflecting Christ but ourselves (and that's a scary place to be in)!
I've been praying a lot about whether or not to simply cease everything and spend a year learning what it means to simply love others out of Christ's love. But, God's response continually leads me back to revisiting my leadership philosophy, operating out of that for awhile and then making a decision (which I finally figured out what what my coach meant by "leadership philosophy" and all it entailed...something I didn't grasp before "the email"). As God helps me live out that leadership philosophy, gradual shifts are occuring that speak of God's transformational love and second chances (or third chances, maybe fourth...lost count).
Today of all days, months after all of this happened, I ran across Hebrews 12:5-11 (above) and everything that has been going on instantly made sense! For months, I've allowed myself be totally crushed by God's disciplining because I failed to understand the intent of it. As I look at all the lessons, challenges and consequences that resulted from "the email", I see where it really has been training all along! It was purposeful, necessary yet loving all at the same time. God was in the midst of training me to see Him as my Father. And through seeing His Fatherly love and intent not only through these verses but in all the things we've been learning in our homeschool Bible class, I could finally let it all go. And through the letting go, I've been able to truly live again resulting in this peaceful balance that speaks so much of Him.
No, I don't have it all down and I still have moments where, ummmm, my mouth shows where love is lacking. But, there are moments when I get it, when I see what God can do and wants to do long-term. It's going to take work, perseverance and living life through the power of the Spirit to master these concepts. Encouragement to press on through this training is laid out in Hebrews 12:1-3.
Do you see what this means—all these pioneers who blazed the way, all these veterans cheering us on? It means we’d better get on with it. Strip down, start running—and never quit! No extra spiritual fat, no parasitic sins. Keep your eyes on Jesus, who both began and finished this race we’re in. Study how he did it. Because he never lost sight of where he was headed—that exhilarating finish in and with God—he could put up with anything along the way: Cross, shame, whatever. And now he’s there, in the place of honor, right alongside God. When you find yourselves flagging in your faith, go over that story again, item by item, that long litany of hostility he plowed through. That will shoot adrenaline into your souls!
Compared to the cross and what resulted from the cross, it's worth seeing discipline and training all the way through.
(And KT, while the devotional you sent totally related to where I was at and it was so timely, it didn't fully click until Hebrews this morning where all sorts of connections were made! As I wrote this blog, I kept thinking that all of this sounded vaguely familiar and then was reminded of you! ;) Thank you for planting the seeds!)
"Distress that drives us to God does that. It turns us around. It gets us back in the way of salvation. We never regret that kind of pain. But those who let distress drive them away from God are full of regrets, end up on a deathbed of regrets.
And now, isn’t it wonderful all the ways in which this distress has goaded you closer to God? You’re more alive, more concerned, more sensitive, more reverent, more human, more passionate, more responsible. Looked at from any angle, you’ve come out of this with purity of heart."
II Corinthians 7:10-12
A month ago, several things unexplainably unraveled. Things didn't make sense but then they did. I kinda knew who was behind it all and why--God was trying to pry open my hands once again. It's hard to let some things go, but the things that we cling to the tightest are representative of something larger, something deeper that we don't want to let go of--the habits, attitudes, faults, beliefs, etc. that we'd rather just pretend didn't exist but somehow make their way out and permeate everything.
Through all of this "weirdness", I'm starting to really embrace it because, although painful at times, I see what it's doing and how it's bringing rhythm and redirection in several key areas. Mainly, it's been a time of getting rid of all the mental, emotional and relational clutter and getting back to the basics ... faith in its simplest form! And, there's no better place to see childlike faith than to experience it with my child. So rather than recreate a new post, let me just copy a portion of an email I sent to my mentor the other day that sums up September 2012 perfectly:
[My son's] new missions project w/Sonlight started today. They are doing Phoenix Phaxx, a 13 yr old who explores 4-5 countries (mainly in Asia) and their religions (http://phoenixphaxx.com). The kids are raising money to buy radios for Far East Broadcasting Company and Sonlight will match every dollar raised up to $150,000 so my child has already been doing odd jobs and extra chores to earn coins. Today, he learned about Russia via the Phoenix Phaxx video and wow, I got the goosebumps listening to my son pray for Oksana...this girl in an orphanage who received a radio and accepted Christ thru a kid's program. It still blows me away how God is taking these little desires of my heart and weaving them into homeschool (especially in developing a missional heart within my child)!
Last week, our history lessons were all focused on the first missionaries where we learned about St. Augustine, Boniface, St Patrick, Columba and Queen Margaret of Scotland and saw how everything all intertwined with the history we have been learning this month! It adds a whole layer of depth to history when you see behind-the-scenes like that ... it's not just the Vikings, but rather the monks at Lindesfarne who were afraid that the Vikings would find their Gospel and/or it'd get burned and the lengths they went to protect it only for the Gospel to be lost at sea via a big storm. However, it got washed up to shore, completely in tact and only a few pages wet, allowing it to be translated and preserved. God's hand can be traced even waaaay back then.
And then as my child and I do Bible class every morning and read from Ergermeier's Bible Story Book, I'm seeing God in a whole new light. He's a God who wanted His people to love Him. He gave them soooo many chances to repent yet they continued on in their ways (been reading about Moses this month). It's stuff I've heard all my life, but I still hold that childhood/conservative-college-girl-view that God is the Judge, He's hard to please, a God of do's and don't's and grace is something for Charismatics (and I sit here and wonder why consistency is so hard for me to maintain w/a God like that)! But, that's not God at all....His judgments aren't randomly given without ample opportunity to turn to Him first. All I see is mercy and grace where I've never seen it before...and all of this from my child's Kindergarten curriculum.
Then, I've been struggling a lot lately bcs I'm not "doing" anything missions-wise except for myMISSION. Have had to put a couple ministries (and missions dreams) on hold when we started homeschooling (although I really hoped I could do it all). But then I see where God is placing me within my community via homeschooling. He is taking the past 9 years of being mere acquaintances with workers throughout our community and giving us opportunities to build real relationships with them through the "field trip" route or just through them wanting to know what exciting things we learned today. We're seeing so many people outside of the church really rally around us as we homeschool our child ... they've watched my child grow up before their eyes and know the smiles he's brought to them in their check-out lines or in all of the meetings and they are so excited to have something to give back to him. And my son's insights are so pure sometimes, so "it's God, so no explanation is needed" and definite that it takes people back sometimes (even me) and opens the door for more conversations.
So, what if "doing" missions looks different in 2012 than it did back in 1980 when the women who tend to criticize myMISSION the most were raising their children? Just seeing how "seasonal" and transitional 20s-30s are and seeing how having a school-aged child really does put you in another season of life (regardless of homeschooling or not). And after really wrestling over this in prayer and just seeking God for what am I supposed to do, I see where He has put me right now as the biggest mission field regardless of who agrees or not. There are all these little opportunities to have conversations and meet people that I've never met before that stems from homeschooling. And, you can only imagine the conversations that occur when people find out that your child is homeschooled and that's why he's not "in school" right now.
Those that know me best know that when God lays something on my heart, the passion and belief I have in it comes across excitedly and sparks unique conversations. Through that and just being in the moment rather than stressed out about the details of everything, I get the privilege of letting my child see and hear what missional living really means. An older woman at the post office teared up last week when my child held the door open for her and said, "Hope you have a great day!" and then excitedly turns to me and asks, "Was I being God's little boy just now?" It's the little things!!! What is the point of missions if we're too busy trying to do all these big projects and chase after big ideas and neglect the little things, the here and now?
All of this because of a few unexplained unravelings ... I love the verse above because in the death of letting go, I have truly become alive! It's affecting everything, even the way I lead. I don't feel like my mind has to be myMISSION 24/7 yet I'm not shirking myMISSION either. It's about living one moment at a time, doing a little planning ahead, but mainly just sitting back and letting things happen as they happen. Am not used to leading that way at all, but it's a welcome change of pace! There are moments when I feel like I need to be out there actively recruiting new women for our group, but then at the same time, the questions "Why?" and "When?" remind me that God has our group right where He wants it and that He is growing it in His time and in His way! I have such peace about planting myMISSION seeds again this year rather than running ourselves ragged trying to do everything to attract young women. Slowing the pace is good for us and removes a lot of the stress! Am really looking forward to seeing what God does this year especially when it means sitting back and letting Him do all the leading and working and us simply following Him!
"Whenever, though, they turn to face God as Moses did, God removes the veil and there they are--face-to-face! They suddenly recognize that God is a living, personal presence, not a piece of chiseled stone. And when God is personally present, a living Spirit, that old, constricting legislation is recognized as obsolete. We're free of it! All of us! Nothing between us and God, our faces shining with the brightness of His face. And so we are transfigured much like the Messiah, our lives gradually becoming brighter and more beautiful as God enters our lives and we become more like Him." II Cor. 3:16-18 (MSG)
Decisions and changes face me once again. With these decisions come so many questions and very few answers. The longer I go without direction and a concrete "I know this is exactly what God wants me to do" type of answer, the more impatience and frustration grow and the more persistent I become in demanding an answer. I know God doesn't work that way nor does He cater to our demands. I'm constantly reminded of Acts 17:24-25 and how God doesn't need us and then of Jeremiah 1:4-9 and how God has a plan for my life. Despite what I know, this inner battle between "needing" answers versus faith always escalates until suddenly, everything stops as God speaks loud and clear once again: will I let go of the timing, the plans, the details, the what-ifs, the fears in order to trust Him? He's not asking me to do anything, be anything or accomplish anything...He's simply asking me to trust Him.
Even though I still lack "the answer" and have some hesitations, I keep getting the same response from God. "Be still. It's not about the answer right now, it's about the process." It's about learning to be patient enough to seek Him instead of forge ahead with this decision and hope that He'll throw up huge red flags to tell me "no" if "yes" isn't the right answer. It's about taking time to let the process run its course, about slowing down long enough to enjoy all the little discoveries along the way.
Last night, I ran across II Corinthians 3:16-18 and it showed me why God hasn't given me answers but rather many awesome discoveries. These discoveries are not only laying a foundation for what lies ahead, but they are allowing me to experience the "living, personal presence" of God and see the work of His Spirit in a way I never have before. Between coaching, mentoring, sweet friendships and the all the lessons God has been teaching me over the past year, everything is starting to really come together in powerful ways that allow me to see and experience God anew.
Through this process of seeking Him and only Him, I see how He is transforming my life, my attitudes and maturing my desires. I'm seeing more of who He is and gaining a deeper understanding of what ministry is about. I've also seen that it's not that I've had it wrong all of these years, but rather I've been living out the understanding I've had of Christ and of ministry at that time. There is a constant progression from where I was 13 years ago when I first started getting my feet wet in church ministry to today but it totally corresponds to my relationship (and mainly, abiding time) with God. As our understanding and relationship with God grow, the way we think, behave and lead follows suit. And if it doesn't, I'm really seeing that it always traces back to to a lack of a consistent relationship with God.
We can't be in God's presence without it affecting us ... "our lives gradually become brighter and more beautiful as God enters our lives and we become more like Him." Because of that, I want to let go of all the questions and this quest for direction in exchange for His presence. And I love the fact that that is enough!
(lol...okay, Luann...I know this is something you've challenged me with several times over the past year--to stop seeking and just be in His presence....I finally understood what you were getting at! Thank you!!)
