A Messy Pizza & the Cross

Last week, God used a homemade stuffed crust pizza to illustrate my life versus His life. This followed recent conversations in which more than one friend pointed out blind spots of my "perfectionistic tendencies" that were spilling over into relationships and even into church life.

As I was looking at the pizza that I pulled out of the oven, I was struck with how much my focus has shifted away from where it used to be (God). This semester, I've spent more time trying to make my life look like the middle of the pizza...you know, the nice, neat, smooth, evenly cut slices--the kind that just look perfect all the way around! But the truth is, my life is more like the entire right edge of that pizza.

When I made the pizza, I carefully wrapped the string cheese in the crust. It looked semi-professional and promising! Yet ten minutes later, it looked anything but professional. It looked messy as the cheese kept oozing out of the crust.

Oh, how I have felt like that string cheese for the past six weeks because life has taken many unexpected twists and turns and disappointment and discouragement want to be my constant companions. I've tried so hard to stay within this nice, neat little crust of life, but yet I'm just oozing out everywhere! As the cheese oozes further and further, there is no way to control it. It has a life of its own as it slowly covers up all that looks good.

As I compared the contrasting middle slices to the end slices, God reminded me that even though the mess looks messy, it is still full of goodness. The edges may unravel, our cheesy mess may ooze out and cover that which we perfectly crafted, but it doesn't alter the fact that it’s still a pizza and it's still good. The not-so-stuffed crust gives the pizza character, questions, and a story. It's a picture of reality when we try so hard to cover the mess yet it all spills out anyway.

That night, I purposefully didn't eat the edge pieces because I was so desperately craving order and control in my life. I didn't want the mess regardless of how wonderful it would’ve tasted (as if I thought not eating the edge was a way of telling God what I really thought—oh, the totally immature and embarrassing games we play with God).

Since that night, the pizza image kept coming to mind as I've felt stuck in the same place I always get stuck at in life. It’s the same story, different year, different season...surely, there has got to be a different way!

Yet, the way to overcome is one that means looking straight at Christ like never before. It means overcoming all the hang-ups I have about "religion" and seeing that the cross isn't a religion, it's a way of life. It’s turning a lifetime of knowing about God into truly knowing Him. It's taking the things I learned during my first semester at Seminary and running it through the underlying question of every class and every chapel: "How does the gospel inform [fill in the blank with your current situation]?".

That question is a question I've been so afraid of answering and have been trying to run from because the answers scare me. They require letting go of every thought, every action, and every belief that runs contrary to God. It means living into a new identity (rather than continuing to study what our true identity is but failing to claim it). It means letting go of thoughts that keep me stuck in a rut. It means seeing the decision to believe in black and white. Because when anything is held up next to the cross, we see how futile it is. We see where God wants to break in with His love. We see where the power of God that raised Christ from the dead is our power to cling to and to use so we are never alone. We see a love that encompasses every petty thing that is said or done to us so that words no longer matter and our response is to simply love back.

I finally decided to do something about it because warring against God is wasting time, squandering Kingdom opportunities, and keeping me stuck in this same place. It's declaring that I still desire myself over God and if that's the case, it's time to make some decisions to step away from certain ministry roles for it only leaves a path of confusion and disappointment for me and others.  

When I sat down with a new three-subject notebook, God wasted no time in filling up the first page! Last semester, a professor suggested highlighting all the places in the Bible that say something about who God is. So, the first subject area in this notebook is a "God is ______" section where I write down everything that is revealed about God in whatever passage I read that day. It just so happened that it was Romans 8 ... one page later and I wasn't even done writing out who God is from the chapter. Halfway through the list, I'm like, "God, why do I so easily forget who You are? Why do I run away so much when You offer everything I could ever need and want?"

The second subject area is "Lies vs. Truth" -- one column is for the lies I believed today about God, myself, and/or others. The other column is to write out God's truth. It’s to a point where I need to stop dancing around the lies and justifying them and see them for what they are…I just didn’t expect to see the complete pettiness and downright falseness that I entertain in my mind compared to the wholeness of the truth. And it left me crying out to God, "Why do I wallow in lies when it's so obvious they are lies? Why do I remain blind when You’ve given us truth to speak into every situation?”

The last subject area is two parts--"The Gospel & Gratitude". It's where I take situations and/or people and hold them up to the cross and ask, "God, how does the gospel inform this situation? Or, how does the gospel inform the way I am to respond to this person?" And when doing that, it has a way of highlighting hope and purpose. It reminds me of my value and new identity—the overcoming, persevering, victorious one. It reminds me how powerful the cross is and that we are never alone in these situations.

Life can come at us from all different angles, but the reality is that we are secure in the cross and everything we need to face life is found in God. That produces a spirit of thankfulness and positivity that isn't there when we focus on all that is wrong and how much something hurts. There is always goodness to be found!  It's kind of like that pizza--the mess may look messy, but the taste is undeniable goodness!

Leave it to God to use a pizza to illustrate His point!

“You have your heads in your Bibles constantly because you think you’ll find eternal life there. But you miss the forest for the trees. These Scriptures are all about Me! And here I am, standing right before you, and you aren’t willing to receive from Me the life you say you want.”  John 5:39-40 (Message)

“There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit. For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has made me free from the law of sin and death.” Romans 8:1-2

“But if the Spirt of Him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, He who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through His Spirit who dwells in you.” Romans 8:11

“For you did not receive the spirit of bondage again to fear, but you received the Spirit of adoption by whom we cry out, “Abba, Father.” The Spirit Himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs—heirs of God and joint heirs with Christ, if indeed we suffer with Him, that we may also be glorified together.” Romans 8:15-17  

Go read Romans 8 – it is filled with answers to “God is…” and truths to defeat every lie we tend to believe!

Birthday Eve Reflections

It's the night before my birthday--a night where I am reminded of the blessings and challenges of the year and a night where I go to bed in eager anticipation of the surprises that lay ahead, not just for tomorrow but for another year!

In some ways, I barely remember my last birthday because a lot has happened since then. This has been the year of lasts as the reality of my grandma's impending death hung in the air. It is the year that taught me the value of a moment, the importance of saying what needs to be said, and of not being afraid to love, forgive, hug, cry, and creatively survive.

It is the year where I was on a quest to pursue my "Word of the Year" of 'restore' and gained so much in return. I've experienced the hardship of peeling away the thickest and innermost onion layers that rested on the core of who I am. This was years in the making but past time to go there if I wanted to move forward. In the process, I experienced the torturing agony of still carrying things God never intended for me to carry. Yet, I experienced the freedom that comes with releasing a childhood of hurt through choosing to forgive, choosing to love, and choosing to refute all the lies that I've held on to all these years with God's truth.

This has been a year of discovery through seeing the truth as it really is whether it was totally falling flat on my face ("pride cometh before a fall" is embarrassingly true), or having trusted friends bluntly point out blind spots (ouch!), or having verses that I've read many times suddenly jump out as if it were the first time I ever read them!

This has been a year of curiosity and exploration, of answering all the "what if's" that I've had especially regarding music...what if I had grown up pursuing music? What if I had taken flute lessons? What if I had pursued singing? What if I had followed through with music instead of let fear, insecurity, and man's opinion when I was a teen and young adult keep me from being a real musician?

This year, I found myself learning new things, being stretched musically, and actually taking voice lessons. The latter has been a hoot, but it's also where I have seen so much inner restoration take place.

God has used the whole process of making music to unearth what was below the surface so that He could show me just how much He wanted to restore it so that my music comes from a place of redemption and wholeness that points to Him. I'm not totally there with all of that yet, but am getting there!

While my husband thinks I'm having some kind of midlife crisis by taking voice lessons (not flute or piano or something that didn't come out of left field like voice did), God has actually used my voice teacher to show me His heart and who He is through the way she accepts, corrects, instructs, and guides without any intention other than helping me to see how we are naturally created to praise God and sing out to Him. When I walk into voice lessons, it is one of two places in this world where I truly find no shaming, no critiquing, no competition, no comparison, no hesitation, and no perfection, only a simple desire from my teacher to show me what is needed to draw out the best and help me discover what I didn't know about God and myself through the challenge and beauty of music.

I have no clue how or why but music is what God has chosen this year to teach me the most about Him. Along with much prayer and Starbucks, music has been a way to help me cope with the stresses that come from a 24/7 life of constant vigilance over our allergy child, first-time business ownership, homeschooling (where the assignments are no longer 2+2=4 and are requiring me to actually study before presenting lessons), personal disappointments as we are another year without a baby in our arms, and dealing with the loss of two grandparents in a 14-month time span plus a very close friend. Music is something that infuses relaxation and creativity into my day. And music fuels the achiever in me as there is great satisfaction in defeating crazy timing and trouble spots, reaching notes I've never been able to reach before, and experimenting with new techniques that actually produce results (like singing and playing the flute at the exact same time--accidentally discovered it one afternoon I had a sore throat and then later learned it was a real thing). I might not be able to solve life's problems, but I am determined enough to master a challenging piece of music! It's a great way to channel my thoughts and energy into something productive and enjoyable instead of letting life and life's worries and frustrations fester until I break down or explode.

As I see my 40s quickly approaching, it makes me want to savor these last two years in my 30s. I want to be daring enough to keep trying new things (aka those things that others view as a midlife crisis) for everything is still being woven together in the details to help me fulfill the unique purposes that God has for my life (even though it may have nothing to do with the current "new thing").

^"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord,

“plans to prosper you and not to harm you, 

plans to give you hope and a future." 

Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

The Green-Eyed Monster (#fmfparty)

This is difficult to write because it's easy to think that the green-eyed monster of envy is something for trivial, surface-only people without realizing the full impact of it in our lives.

The moment when we wonder "why her and not me?" or the moment when we express that "it's not fair" or the moment when we find ourselves thinking unkind things about others in their successes that leave us wondering where in the world those thoughts came from are the very moments that open the door for the green-eyed monster to enter.

If left unchecked, questions begin to plague our mind as we see where we didn't get what we felt entitled to. That eventually leads to feelings of disdain for others, verbal or texted grumblings, contrariness, and bitterness. And if we remain there, we've essentially rendered ourselves ineffective for the Kingdom and end up becoming disruptive to the body of Christ (intended or not). 

James 3:16-17 points out, "For where envy and self-seeking exist, confusion and every evil thing are there. But the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, willing to yield, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality and without hypocrisy."

We are daily confronted to choose who we are going to be. Are we going to choose to be our natural selves and react and think how we want, or are we going to choose to submit ourselves to God and live as He desires?

The latter means letting sooooo much go...it means choosing to let go of the trivial stuff, seeing past temporary distortions and feelings of the moment, and sacrificing our judgments and opinions in order to view people and situations through God's eyes. It means trusting in God's timing and in His plan and trusting that He will fulfill His promises and move us or promote us in His time. And it means understanding who we are in Christ and that we are already complete in Him with our own unique set of abilities, talents, and personality. We don't need achievements, accolades, or acceleration through the ranks to prove ourselves to Him, for He has already paved the way for us through His extreme love.

When we make the choice to let the green-eyed monster go, we can redirect that energy to things that truly matter. We won't be distracted by our emotions nor semi-distraught when things seem unfair or when others take what we want. We will be willing to yield ourselves to God which allows us to prefer others over ourselves. And we free ourselves up to wait on God so He can do with us what He wants in His time.

When God is the one that places us and/or advances us to where He wants us to be, it brings Him the glory and has an impact that far surpasses anything that we ever tried to bring about in our own strength and abilities. So farewell, green-eyed monster!

*Five Minute Friday (#FMFparty) gives writers a word prompt. We are encouraged to write whatever comes to mind about that word in just five minutes.  No editing, no perfection, only writing from the heart.  To find out more, visit http://katemotaung.com/five-minute-friday/.  This week's word is "GREEN".

Top 5 Recurring "Themes" for Spring 2015

There are seasons in my life where God keeps hammering the same lessons or "themes" into my life. These themes are weaved into conversations with friends, songs on the radio or at church, reading the Bible, whispers from God during prayer times, social media posts, sermons, and even random signs or billboards. Oh yes, I've been around the block a few times with these themes, yet they are taking on new meanings as the fog of the past that clouded my vision for so long is finally lifting. 

1.  Experience Perfect Love instead of being a slave to perfection and the fears of failure and not living up to your potential.  I John 4:18--"There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love."

2.  Someone needs to hear your story. I Peter 3:15--"But sanctify the Lord God in your hearts, and always be ready to give a defense to everyone who asks you a reason for the hope that is in you, with meekness and fear." Be authentic (genuinely you) always, but be wise in your transparency (who sees all of you). "Be careful to always be authentically you, because our public lives should always be a reflection of our private lives." ~Lori Wilhite & Brandi Wilson 

3.  Cling to the promise in the verse that keeps popping up everywhere.  Be secure (confident) and patient in your calling and know that God will finish what He has started in His time. Philippians 1:6--"Being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ."
 
4.  Know who you are in Christ.  Galatians 6:14--"For my part, I am going to boast about nothing but the Cross of our Master, Jesus Christ. Because of that Cross, I have been crucified in relation to the world, set free from the stifling atmosphere of pleasing others and fitting into the little patterns that they dictate."  Ephesians 1:4--"Long before He laid down earth's foundations, He had us in mind, had settled on us as the focus of His love, to be made whole and holy by His love."

5.  You are waiting for the perfect circumstances, people, and/or ministry and missing out on everything that is right in front of you. "Go" is a present tense word that means "right now". Be available in this very moment to do whatever God has assigned to you. Rather than resist the fact that you don't have a carefully crafted plan for your life, learn to enjoy the variety of opportunities, people, skills, and abilities that God has blessed you with.  Marvel in that amazing training ground that He is providing for you through your church and homeschool organization. There are people all around you, even in those places, that need God so be open to God's leading no matter what it looks like. Isaiah 6:8 -- "Also I heard the voice of the Lord, saying: 'Whom shall I send, and who will go for Us?' Then I said, 'Here am I! Send me.'"

So Why Can't I?

A few weeks ago, I began wondering why this person can take a vacation and not have to check in but I feel like I have to all the time.  Then I was wondering how that person could leave everything behind to have a spur-the-moment family day and not think twice about skipping out on a meeting.  Then I got to wondering why could another person have all that time with their children but then I keep getting asked to squeeze more into my packed schedule.  And I wondered, "When does it stop?  Why can't I go on vacation and leave everything behind?  Why can't I take family days and turn off my phone/email?  Why can't I say I no to activities when my calendar is bursting at the seams?" And then it hit me, I can!!!! 

When I honestly answer the "Why can't I?" question, I see what is at the root of it.  From there, I can make the necessary changes to live out the answer to that question. My "Why can't I?" answers lie in self-imposed busyness, the inability to say no, and the fear of failure, fear of disapproval, and the fear of missing out on opportunities. And when you line that up with God and His Word, it becomes so obvious where I'm missing the mark once again.  And I see where I desperately need God to infuse every single step, every single word, every single thought!  (See Phil. 4:5, Ecc. 3:1, Heb. 3:13, Gal. 1:10, Matt. 6:24, I John 4:18.)

One thing that I've been understanding lately is that we teach others how to treat us.  And in that, I've been discovering that no one is going to outright give me permission to take a break. No one is going to stand there and make me take time for myself and for my family. And generally the same people that are quick to tell me that I need to slow down and put my family first are the ones that have no shame in throwing more on me.  And, they are the ones that know how and when to call in a break for themselves without guilt and without the need to check in. Hmmmmmm...it really makes one stop and analyze what's going on and why.  In retrospect, people keep asking me to do things because I always say yes. They keep giving because I keep taking. And they keep offering because I keep doing regardless of cost. Frankly, I'm a quick, definite yes!

However, there is nothing wrong at all with people asking me to do things.  There are definitely things I want to do and love doing and would never even know about if I wasn't asked!  But there comes a point when it's time to grow up and realize that I am the only one responsible for my yeses and nos. I am the one responsible for setting my limits and boundaries. These things just don't happen without my intentional intervention. And I have to understand that life is a marathon, not a sprint.  It's a journey, not a destination, and just insert what other cliche fits here.

There truly is merit to pacing ourselves. I'm always eager to jump into everything with both feet and give 100%, but I'm discovering that it's okay to enter into things slowly. We have to pace ourselves because when we run at full speed ahead, we easily run over God without meaning to. When we constantly say yes without thinking about it, we are saying no to the God-ordained pace for our lives. And when we say no to God's pace for our lives, it's where we find that we are living out of ourselves instead in Christ. It's where we find ourselves striving so hard to fulfill everyone's expectations (including our own) that we project those expectations as coming from God when in reality, He never once asked for our striving. It's where we follow our plans and hopes for each day rather than take time to seek God for what He wants us to accomplish each day. That's where we're getting it wrong. 

Great freedom comes from living out of the "I can!" answer to the "Why can't I?" question when the "I can" is rooted in our view of God and His plan and pace for our lives. 

Trees & Seasons

“His delight is in the law of the Lord, and in His law he meditates day and night.  He shall be like a tree planted by the rivers of water, that brings forth its fruit in its season, whose leaf also shall not wither and whatever He does shall prosper.”  Psalm 1:2-3

Have you ever stopped to consider the untold lessons that are in a tree?  Most days, trees are just trees, and I fail to notice them until one really stands out.  What makes that tree catch my eye?  Is it the towering height, enormous girth, twisted shape, or some unique feature that distinguishes it from all others?  Or, is it the vibrant color of the leaves, the sheer volume of leaves, or the total lack of leaves that make me take a second glance?  Or do I notice trees more in the newness of spring as little buds begin to form on branches?  Or do I notice them more in the summer when I need a cool place to rest?  What about the fall when trees seem like they are on fire with bright hues of orange, yellow, and red; or the winter, when they stand there lonely and bare? 

As trees greet each new season, one fact remains:  a tree is still every bit of a tree—strong, solid, even beautiful—in the bareness of winter as it is in all of its glory in the heat of summer.  No matter the season, the tree stands tall and firm.  It thrives.  It grows.  It weathers all types of conditions that beat against it, from the strong storm gusts to the pelting sleet and rain to the parchment that comes from the hot summer’s sun.  The very core (trunk) of the tree remains sure regardless of the season.

Though the tree stands solid and sure, there is a lot going on within its branches and leaves.  The leaves are ever-changing, ever-cycling, and ever telling a story of God’s purpose and design.  In the spring, we see new life as tiny little buds begin to appear on the branches.  This new life signifies a rebirth, restoration, growth, change, and hope.  In the summer, the leaves reach maturity and provide much needed shade all the while photosynthesis is going on in the background to help the tree grow, reach its peak, store food for the winter, and thrive.  It signifies work, energy, reward, and even rest.  In the fall, the leaves change color and they let go of the tree because weather conditions are just so that they cannot keep feeding the tree. They served their purpose and are now leaving to make way for the next set of leaves.  In the winter, trees revert into dormancy where everything slows down inside of it.  It focuses its energies on surviving the winter and does what it can to protect itself from the harsh winter elements. 

All of this reminds me so much of the seasons of our lives. Merriam-Webster defines ‘season’ as "a time characterized by a particular circumstance or feature; a suitable or natural time or occasion; an indefinite period or time; a period of the year characterized or associated with a particular activity or phenomenon." 

We all experience seasons where we jump into something new and experience the joys and challenges of new ideas, opportunities, and relationships.  We begin to live out of our capacity until what we expend goes way beyond our capacity but strive so hard to hang on.  At that point, we begin to lose those things that we didn’t want to lose.  Sometimes it’s little things but sometimes, we lose the big, irreplaceable leaves of life like our family, friends, and even God.  Our life empties itself, leaf by leaf, of the things we once loved.  We are left still standing, but we are standing empty and bare.  We retreat and wonder where we got it wrong.  We try to recover from running at 100 mph for so long.  We try to restore relationships that were let go when we were too busy to notice, yet we realize the problem was with us all along.  We find ourselves in a dormant period where we have done everything but the very thing God wants of us...and that is to be still and to know that He is God (Psalm 46:10). 

Slowly, as we lay dormant before God, we see the promise and hope of new buds.  But it's still not the time for them to sprout just yet.  We must learn to stay still and let Him work, let Him bring the growth, let Him restore us to our capacity.

While nature works in quarterly, predictable seasons, our lives ebb and flow in a myriad of seasons.  A season of education, a season of new love, a season of parenthood, a season of the empty nest, a season of retirement, a season of health, a season of sickness, a season of sadness, and a season of joy.  As much as we want it to, we can’t make these seasons conform to a calendar or time frame, nor can we make them conform to each other's seasons.  Each season is as unique as each individual, as unique as every tree, as unique as every leaf.

Maybe instead of fighting our seasons so much and wishing our seasons looked like the others around us, we should simply stand solid and sure as the trees do in our yard, letting God work in and out of us the purposes that He desires.  In this way, our outward “leaves” have a chance to tell the story of Him and in the most beautiful way that commands others to see Him.


“To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die;
A time to plant, and a time to pluck what is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal;
A time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones;
A time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to gain, and a time to lose;
A time to keep, and a time to throw away;
A time to tear, and a time to sew;
A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate;
A time of war, and a time of peace.”
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

My "Word" for 2015

Kudos to you if you can keep your New Year's resolutions!  I can't!  The last thing I need is another list of something that I need to do, another reminder of where I'm not measuring up, and another list of goals that will be swallowed up by good intentions and the busyness of life.  Instead, I need something that is quick and easy to remember that I can pull out in a second's notice in order to determine if something brings me closer or pushes me further from God and from the person I want to become.  I need something that creates hope, inspires me, and pushes me to action.  And I need something that doesn't have predefined expectations centered around my limited faith so that God can bring about what He wants to see happen in 2015.  That is why I totally embrace the "word of the year".  This word encompasses what God is doing in my life and what I hope He continues doing, and it lends direction to where I want to go and who I want to be in 2015.

So my word for 2015 is:

RESTORE

Definition:
: to give back (someone or something that was lost or taken)
: to return (someone or something)
: to put or bring (something) back into existence or use
: to return (something) to an earlier or original condition by repairing it, cleaning it, etc.

Psalm 51:12-13

"Restore to me the joy of Your salvation, and uphold me by Your generous Spirit.  Then I will teach transgressors Your ways, and sinners shall be converted to You." (NKJV)

Psalm 51:16-17

"Going through the motions doesn't please You, a flawless performance is nothing to You.  I learned God-worship when my pride was shattered.  Heart-shattered lives ready for love don't for a moment escape God's notice."  (Message)

I love the synonyms for "restore" because God took us through the longest wilderness and we are finally on the other side of it.  I wish I could say we journeyed well through the wilderness, but the longer we stayed, the more I let it take from me and I lost myself in the journey.  However, on this side of the wilderness, there have been new seasons, new paths, new directions, and new opportunities that have taken me back to my roots--the things I enjoyed before I lost myself in the busyness and doing of ministry and the aimlessness of wandering in the wilderness.  How refreshing it's been to remember those things that I lost, to be able to make music again, to be able to go to church simply to worship God, and to find solace in things that were once fun and familiar.

Yet the more I remembered my roots and rediscovered former joys, the more I found 2014 going in a different direction than I had planned.  I freaked out because life wasn't going the way it was supposed to go.  I was straying too far from my expectations, others' expectations, and everything familiar.  It was taking me too far away from ministry as I knew it to be and it was leaving me with nothing recognizable. 

To compensate for that, I found myself in the all-to-familiar pursuit of perfection because I felt like my performance was the only thing I could control (until even that became out of my control).  Perfection at work, home, music, anything I committed to...it was exhausting and daunting.  Can't tell you how many times I quietly cried myself to sleep because I felt so high maintenance and kept getting on my own nerves...that's when you know you have a problem!

I felt like I was running in circles for nothing except to prove to myself and to others that I still have it, that I can stay in the game, that I can still juggle lots of things and come out on top, that I can still do whatever God wants me to do even though it's not "formal" ministry and there isn't any signs of formal ministry ahead.  I kept running toward the voices and expectations that others in ministry have had for me hoping that I'd run into whatever it is that God wanted for me when He's made it so clear that He has something else in mind and I keep resisting it.

However, a few weeks ago, I was floored when we began discussing Psalm 51 in our Sunday School class and God began speaking to me quite bluntly.  He began reminding me of all that He had done on the cross and what it represented.  God would send friends by to chime in with (not-so-) random thoughts about our identity in Christ.  Some friends were nosy enough to ask what's going on and to help me see what's at the root of all of this.  Through the unearthing, God began speaking even more and weaving this new theme of restoration into my life to where there's no escaping it. 

How I need to be restored -- and I love the synonyms of "restore" because they paint a picture of what I want to see happen in my life.  These words portray rest, strength and peace, not striving, manufactured faith, and running ragged to prove my capability to others.

These synomyns depict a much-needed shift that needs to happen in my mind, thoughts and actions. And they are such a great checklist for whether or not to add something into my already crammed schedule!

Psalm 51:12-13 is a process emptying myself of all that hinders me from real joy and destroying that root of pride.  And it also reminds me that God has a desired order...we cannot reach/teach others until we first are filled with Him.  Before I can make disciples, I have to be a disciple.  Before I can lead others, I must be led first. I'm giving to others what I'm being filled with...and that's a scary thought.  Am I giving the true gospel that changes lives or the man-made version that merely comforts lives?  (Yes, this is already stuff I "know" but have forgotten along the way!) 

Psalm 51:16-17 shoots down my tendencies toward perfection and performance.  All of that pales in comparison of being real before God, of knowing we are so broken and in need of Him.  But it means going beyond that place of acknowledging our need and purposefully living into what God wants us to be in Him.

Restore:  It's reconstructing what I've torn down over the years.  It's reinstating who I am in Christ and claiming it above circumstances and opinions. It's reintroducing the fundamentals of who God is and seeing His beauty and resting in His sovereignty.  It's finding those things that rejuvenate and revitalize my life...rediscovering my passions and letting go of the activities and hobbies that I simply don't enjoy in this season of life.  It's renewing my mind and replacing the defeatist thoughts and life's distractions with God's truth.  It's giving the reins back to God again so He can renew and revive my life in His ways instead of according to my agenda.  It's going back to all the things that I've learned over the years except for this time, it's purposefully letting it be more God than me.  It's purposefully living out John 3:30--"He must increase, but I must decrease."   

Restore ... it's perfect for 2015!  Sometimes, it takes way more work to restore something than it does to trash it and start from the beginning, so I love the promises God has given me in Ephesians 6:10-18, Job 23:10, Philippians 1:6, and Jeremiah 1:4-9.  Now it's time to hang on for the ride ...

Only One Household Matters...

Last Sunday, our pastor focused on the role of women and referred to Proverbs 31.  He said one thing that rendered me speechless as the truth of that verse (and all the supporting verses that instantly rushed to mind) sunk in.  This week, I've tried not to think about the implications of that verse and even tried to rationalize it away, but the Spirit kept bringing it to mind over and over again.  There was nothing left to do but throw my hands up in resignation because it's not going way until it's addressed!  (You know how it is!)

Proverbs 31:27 -- "She watches over the ways of her household, and does not eat the bread of idleness."

The part that stuck out the most was Proverbs 31:27a as the pastor briefly mentioned that if a woman is watching over her household, she is not caught up in gossip.  Think about it, if she's watching over her own household, she doesn't have the time nor energy to get involved in the gossip, drama, mom/homeschool competition, and what's going on at so-and-so's house. 

I was floored this week to see just how much I worry about everyone else's household on top of mine and just how many things I tend to take on that aren't mine to bear.  It seemed like every time I read a Facebook status this week, I had an unwritten comment or thought for everything!  Yet this week, every time I thought something, I heard this little voice saying, "Is that watching over YOUR household or someone else's?"  *sigh* 

It was an instant red flag to stop and capture each thought.  It was rather sickening to see just how much I inwardly cast judgment or how I concerned myself with how other people are (or aren't) raising their children or how I worried about how many Christians refuse to see the light on social, political, religious and/or household issues or how much it bothered me to see so many moms wishing away these snow days and time with their children. 

It's been an eye-opening week as I fought between the old way versus God's way.  However, based on this week alone, I discovered the following things.

Whenever I watch over my own household:

• a lot of things that I think matter, really don't.
• a massive amount of mental space opens up because I'm not worried about everyone else (that also turns into physical energy).
• we have more fun because my mind is focused on my family so I'm not worried about what others think. 
• more love flows through our home because I'm not bogged down in everyone else's problems and taking that stress out on those I love. 
• my family is my priority and I can keep saying "no" because I know I'm doing what God wants me to do.
• God gives us the wisdom to know what needs of others He wants us to address versus the needs that someone else can take care of (Prov 31:20).
• I have peace and confidence that watching over my own household is a direct command from the Lord and anything (attitude, person, activity, etc.) that takes away from that is not from God.   

It'll be a battle until the full implications of Proverbs 31:27 are firmly rooted in my mind.  Until then, this is quickly becoming one of the most valuable tools in my arsenal as it helps free up my mind in big ways so I can more fully love God and love others, especially my family. 

The Desert Times

"Is this the emotional me or the Spirit-seeking me?" Such a thought-provoking question from a cherished friend!  It's one I've been asking myself over the past month as we have been faced with unexpected challenges in keeping our severely allergic child safe at church.  It has woken our family up and jolted us into action in such a way that I can't help but wonder if this is God's way of moving us a step closer to His plan. 

Life has changed so much for us over the past six months after I experienced true ministry burn out and dealt with my mom's, sister's and even my own health crises.  I have wandered so far into the desert at times that I didn't know if I could cry out to God one more time only to hear complete and utter silence, an echo of nothingness.  But through the silence, questions, heart aches and tears, I had to chose to trust that He was there if nothing else.

The desert is lined with moments where I couldn't trust any more and moments where quite a battle was fought for trust and the victory was sweet.  And the desert is where I needed to go so that I could begin to strip everything of me away in order to discover who God truly is.  The desert is where I've been the weakest, but the desert is also where I've been the strongest.   

Though I'm still wandering through that desert, there is new-found purpose with each step...a purpose that comes from being alone in the desert long enough to taste surrender, hope and renewed vision.  The sun is shining brighter and the journey is more tolerable because my will to fight is gone.  In place of the fight comes a renewed sense of conviction, a new sense of boldness and the continuing urgency to make tough, life-altering decisions that keep our family growing instead of dying (haha...literally not just spiritually).  God has been showing us as a family what hills to stand on and which ones to die on--what is most important and what is trivial in the light of the Kingdom.

There is a distinct reason why Joshua 1:9 kept appearing in the randomest of places around town or nearly every time I logged on to Facebook or hotmail or turned on the radio!

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”

The latest verse that is now before me nearly every time I turn around is Isaiah 43:18-19 (one of my favorites!):

“Do not remember the former things, nor consider the things of old.  Behold, I will do a new thing, now it shall spring forth; Shall you not know it?  I will even make a road in the wilderness and rivers in the desert."

There is a distinct reason why God is leading me (and my family) to the rivers after all of this time of wandering.  The beauty and depth of each river reminds us of His provision and care.  The river's peaceful flow urges us press on yet in God's strength.  The river offers a quiet place to rest after such a weary journey.  And the river promises us continued life, passion and ministry...all has not been snuffed out because we are stuck in this desert place. 

And, as I keep wandering in the desert and consciously choosing to trust, the faint outline of a road begins to appear.  I see it on the horizon but it's not yet my time to journey down that road.  Until that road is within reach, I will choose to keep wandering because I know what God has done, can do and wants to do.  I will choose to enjoy the scenery and unexpected blessings of being in the moment so that I can keep sharing God's love in the most unusual or creative or most mundane of ways (don't even ask...it's been crazy but amazing).  And I will choose to stay open to the people God keeps placing in our path as we are finding ourselves surrounded by more people in the desert than we ever found in plenty. 

Maybe running into these safety roadblocks at church and having to make decisions for the safety of our child is the Spirit giving us the courage to do what is right and to do what He has prepared for us as a family and as individuals.  I have no clue where God is leading or what He is doing, but I know that this time in the desert is preparation and rest for that road in the wilderness.  I see the Spirit most clearly here because the emotions are being sifted and rooted out to where I'm finally to the place where I am thankful for this journey in the desert! 

The "Only One Kid" Scream!!!

There are days when I feel like screaming whenever homeschool moms totally invalidate my family's homeschool experience with one dismissive comment, "Well, you just have one child..." (as if I somehow can't possibly understand what it's like to homeschool children because I only homeschool one child). 

Granted, I feel like screaming because I let it get to me.  But there are days when I want the moms of a larger family than mine to know know that I work just as hard as they do to provide a solid education for my child.

I worry that I'm not good enough as a teacher, not doing enough for my child's education or that I'm totally screwing him up by homeschooling...just like you do.  I spend hours preparing for our lessons, get all excited over neat finds (lessons, crafts, games, etc.) that will take learning to the next level for my child, and I enjoy all the special blessings that come from homeschooling...just like you do.  I want to better myself as a wife, mom and teacher, so I will attend classes and Conventions, read homeschooling magazines and follow my favorite homeschool "superstars" on Facebook...just like you do. 

Moms homeschooling multiple kids often think that homeschooling is a cake-walk for me and others blessed with "only one child" because we don't have to juggle different ages, different grades, different courses.  And while that is one burden we don't carry right now, we have our own set of dynamics unique to our family size that we contend with...just like you do. 

We don't have the luxury of siblings to entertain our children...we are "it".  We don't have that built-in social interaction for our child that comes with a large-sized family.  Nor do we have instant competition and enough players to play Duck, Duck Goose, Leap Frog, Red Rover or Dodge Ball (Simon Says gets really old, really fast). 

However, while we don't have that, we do have a lot!  We are able to pick up and go much easier than you, so we have a unique sense of freedom that comes with our education that others may not have.  There are last minute learning opportunities, classes and field trips that we can participate in because we don't have to juggle multiple nap times, music lessons and extracurriculars for each child.  We also pay for one child so when we offer invitations, we usually forget that those with more children have to multiply admission fees and number of Happy Meals by their family size making a day out totally out of the budget while a feasible, fun day for us.  We also can run to the library on a moment's notice especially when the rabbit trail unlocks that hunger for more knowledge.  And, we can just as easily interrupt school to run up to the grocery store to do real-life math problems rather than pull out our hair over another textbook word problem (plus come back with a cart full of groceries and our sanity still in tact).

But seriously, it's not even about you vs. me or your size family vs. my size family.  It's about us being moms who love our children and are leading them and educating them as God puts it on our hearts to do.  It's also about being aware that sometimes, those casual, dismissive, "you only have one child" statements dredge up feelings of longing, heart break, guilt or pain.  Maybe it wasn't our choice that we only have one child to homeschool and not 2, 3, 8 or 10 children to homeschool like other moms have.  Maybe our wishes weren't what God had planned for us yet we know that this one child that we do homeschool is a complete treasure and blessing from Him as much as your children are to you. 

And moms with one child, let's not be ashamed of homeschooling our only children!  We don't need to let others dismiss what we are doing.  Sure, it means being nice and biting our tongue whenever those famous "one child" phrases are uttered.  But, it also means letting go of those phrases and all the negative and inferior feelings that we let come with it.  God has called us to homeschool our only child as much as He has called the mother with multiple children to homeschool her children.  And there is no higher calling than living out those things that God has set us apart for and called us to do! 


Do you see what this means—all these pioneers who blazed the way, all these veterans cheering us on? It means we’d better get on with it. Strip down, start running—and never quit! No extra spiritual fat, no parasitic sins. Keep your eyes on Jesus, who both began and finished this race we’re in. Study how he did it. Because he never lost sight of where he was headed—that exhilarating finish in and with God—he could put up with anything along the way: Cross, shame, whatever. And now he’s there, in the place of honor, right alongside God. When you find yourselves flagging in your faith, go over that story again, item by item, that long litany of hostility he plowed through. That will shoot adrenaline into your souls!  ~Hebrews 12:1-3 (Message)

Defining My Reality

I had one of those pleading, tearful, little girl, whiney "God, what in the world do You want me to do?" type of prayers last night with regards to where He wants me.  It's a prayer that follows God's previous answer of "it's not the about the answer, but the process."  However, in my mind, the process has gone on long enough and I'm worn out from dealing with the criticism and opposition and wondering how much more I have to endure. 

A few minutes after that prayer, God answered with a response that silenced the questions!  God impressed upon me that until I can even attempt at doing what He outlined for me in Psalm 112:5-9 (The Message), I'm in no position to make a decision about what He wants me to do! 

"The good person is generous and lends lavishly; no shuffling or stumbling around for this one, but a sterling and solid and lasting reputation.  Unfazed by rumor and gossip, heart ready, trusting in God, Spirit firm, unperturbed, ever blessed, relaxed among enemies, they lavish gifts on the poor--a generosity that goes on and on and on.  And honored life!  A beautiful life!"

Unfazed, trusting, unperturbed, relaxed among enemies??????  Yeah, right!!!!!  That's the last thing I am!!  My initial thoughts are that it's totally impossible and I can think of 101 excuses why.  But, it all comes down to basic faith--do I trust God or not?

• Do I trust God to grow me in such a way that I can live a beautiful life that speaks of Him?  
• Can I let go and let God take me to the place where I'm unperturbed (aka unruffled, unworried, undisturbed)?  
• Can I open my arms wide enough to my Father so He can love through me to the point where I can sit relaxed among my enemies, secure in who I am in Christ, so that I may see their soul instead of all the wounds they caused? 
• Can I get to a place where His voice is the only one that matters so that I may be unfazed by what others say (good or bad)?  
• What needs to happen to make my heart ready so that out of it only comes right living and right speech (Prov. 4:23)? 
• And how can I be a better steward of all that God has given me so that I can continue pouring out on others? 

No wonder God answered as He did!  There is some aligning that needs to happen!  And I have no doubts that by the end of this journey, I will know exactly what God wants me to do!  Awesome!

p.s. 

From Ron Edmondson, Pastor and Christian Leadership Guru:

"We can miss the blessings God is providing by focusing on the distractions of a few critics we may never please…regardless of what we do." 

"Everything can be going according to plan. God can be working in your life, but the critic can destroy your perception of reality." 

Leadership Lessons from 2012

"Get wisdom! Get understanding!  Do not forget, nor turn away from the words of my mouth.  Do not forsake her, and she will preserve you; Love her, and she will keep you.  Wisdom is the principal thing; therefore get wisdom.  And in all your getting, get understanding."  Proverbs 4:5-7

My biggest piece of leadership advice from 2012 for any young leader is to let wisdom and discretion be your guide in everything, including relationships!  If you have those unexplainable gut feelings and red flags, never, ever ignore them!  Ignoring them can cost you greatly!  Proverbs is soooo true about how wisdom shows you the way and how necessary it is to chase after her and maintain sure footing! 

Yet when we lay wisdom aside, we find ourselves in places we never intended to go!  In 2012, I needed those unintended places so I could realize my identity in Christ.  But wow, did the lessons have to be so hard and painful?  Maybe so, for they taught me that as a leader, wife, mom and daughter of God, I'm accountable for everything I say and do.  Some consequences are ones you'll never see on the outside, but ones I see so clearly on the inside as God has shown me what He could have done but couldn't because of me (either by choices, playing games with Him or holding back from Him). 

There still are moments when feelings of pure embarrassment and foolishness rush in from situations during 2012.  Yet, these feelings serve as scars--scars that remind me of God's forgiveness, grace and love.  Without understanding what He has done for me on the cross and how that affects every aspect of life and ministry, I couldn't move forward.  These scars also remind me of the price we pay when our identity isn't solidly in Christ and when we get side-tracked by others or things we think we need (or are missing out on).  And, these scars remind me of 2012...a year of mistakes that I don't care to repeat again. 

In 2012, I learned the hard way that leaders have to be careful in who they trust...it matters greatly and affects waaaaaay more than you can imagine when you trust the wrong person.  I've seen it happen to others in the past, but this is the first time it's ever happened to me.  Sometimes, people you regard as a great leader or mentor will use you (yes, that's a tough fact to swallow), look you straight in the eye and lie to you (and then you begin to notice how they do it to others), and they say things they know you want to hear in order to get what they want from you. 

And, be leery of the words, "This stays between us!"  Use that phrase as a warning!  If those words have to be uttered pre-conversation, then maybe this isn't a conversation worth having with that person.  People you fully trust and who trust you, don't need those words because trust and confidentiality is a given.  However, live by the fact that everything you say can be repeated (and added on to) so be careful in what you say and who you choose to say it to.

I also learned to not always take people at face value, to make people earn my trust rather than freely give it to them (that's a work in progress), and to speak up and not be afraid to ask questions (even if they are older or are a mentor). 

I learned that just because someone is older than you and has been in ministry longer than you doesn't mean that they are automatically living in God's power and have a devoted relationship with Him.  So choose your mentors wisely...they will affect you either positively or negatively.  Sometimes, it's not until after the mentoring relationship is over that you see how much they were preying on your weaknesses (sins) and how "not right" for you that relationship was.  And as you look back, you start seeing where God was like, "Hey! ... Hi!? ... Hello???? ...." and you totally missed it because you were standing on someone else instead of God!

See why living by the Proverbs is crucial to a young leader?  It spares you from the hard life lessons!  It's never too late to start listening to Proverbs.  Sure, it might make you feel foolish all over again as you read your situations in black and white, but there is something strangely comforting about seeing your life lessons in the Word because it's where you begin to see God's hand even in your mistakes, God's love that never fails, and God's desire for us to live a better way!  So, carry on ... but wisely!  :)

Persevering Through Paralyzing Life Lessons

My dear child, don’t shrug off God’s discipline, but don’t be crushed by it either. It’s the child he loves that he disciplines; the child he embraces, he also corrects.

God is educating you; that’s why you must never drop out. He’s treating you as dear children. This trouble you’re in isn’t punishment; it’s training, the normal experience of children. Only irresponsible parents leave children to fend for themselves. Would you prefer an irresponsible God? We respect our own parents for training and not spoiling us, so why not embrace God’s training so we can truly live? While we were children, our parents did what seemed best to them. But God is doing what is best for us, training us to live God’s holy best. At the time, discipline isn’t much fun. It always feels like it’s going against the grain. Later, of course, it pays off handsomely, for it’s the well-trained who find themselves mature in their relationship with God.

Hebrews 12:5-11 (MSG)

Back in the winter, disappointment, frustration and impatience got the best of me as I reacted instead of prayed about a situation.  I vented out of pure emotion (in an email of all things) and it didn't stay confidential.  Though it sounds like a little thing and "we've all done that" at least once in our lives, it turned out to be costly in so many ways.  I doubt that it was as costly to those who received the email vent as it was to me personally.

It was one of those life lessons that showed me reality, humbled me in unspoken ways and thoroughly broke me so I could see myself as God sees me (the good, the bad and the ugly--especially the areas that were lacking Him).  It's probably been the most defining moment for me this year. 

Though many months have passed since "the email", the consequences have been just as powerful as they were the day it happened as pockets of division (in more than one relationship) and bitterness began to creep in.  And even though the months have been lined with consequences, "the email" brought many blessings that spoke so much to the extent of God's grace, the healing that comes through community and the strength that comes from finding our full identity in Christ.

There were days when this mistake paralyzed, distracted and haunted me as it was hard to recover from.  Every time I think I "got it" and learned all there was to learn from that situation, God would unearth something else until we finally reached the root of the issue.

It's been so tempting to give a cheesy excuse and walk away from it all because, face it, it's flat-out easier to do that than to deal with the issues.  Yet, deep down inside, I knew I needed this.  I needed to hit rock bottom in order to see where I was lacking.  I needed to see that God wanted way more than skill, creativity, strategy and forward movement (even if it was for Him).  I needed to see that ministry is all about love and working in harmony with others as the body of Christ.  And if we can't do that, then we have no right leading others toward Christ.  Because when love isn't at the root of any relationship, it's not reflecting Christ but ourselves (and that's a scary place to be in)! 

I've been praying a lot about whether or not to simply cease everything and spend a year learning what it means to simply love others out of Christ's love.  But, God's response continually leads me back to revisiting my leadership philosophy, operating out of that for awhile and then making a decision (which I finally figured out what what my coach meant by "leadership philosophy" and all it entailed...something I didn't grasp before "the email").  As God helps me live out that leadership philosophy, gradual shifts are occuring that speak of God's transformational love and second chances (or third chances, maybe fourth...lost count).   

Today of all days, months after all of this happened, I ran across Hebrews 12:5-11 (above) and everything that has been going on instantly made sense!  For months, I've allowed myself be totally crushed by God's disciplining because I failed to understand the intent of it.  As I look at all the lessons, challenges and consequences that resulted from "the email", I see where it really has been training all along!  It was purposeful, necessary yet loving all at the same time.  God was in the midst of training me to see Him as my Father.  And through seeing His Fatherly love and intent not only through these verses but in all the things we've been learning in our homeschool Bible class, I could finally let it all go.  And through the letting go, I've been able to truly live again resulting in this peaceful balance that speaks so much of Him. 

No, I don't have it all down and I still have moments where, ummmm, my mouth shows where love is lacking.  But, there are moments when I get it, when I see what God can do and wants to do long-term.  It's going to take work, perseverance and living life through the power of the Spirit to master these concepts. Encouragement to press on through this training is laid out in Hebrews 12:1-3. 

Do you see what this means—all these pioneers who blazed the way, all these veterans cheering us on? It means we’d better get on with it. Strip down, start running—and never quit! No extra spiritual fat, no parasitic sins. Keep your eyes on Jesus, who both began and finished this race we’re in. Study how he did it. Because he never lost sight of where he was headed—that exhilarating finish in and with God—he could put up with anything along the way: Cross, shame, whatever. And now he’s there, in the place of honor, right alongside God. When you find yourselves flagging in your faith, go over that story again, item by item, that long litany of hostility he plowed through. That will shoot adrenaline into your souls!

Compared to the cross and what resulted from the cross, it's worth seeing discipline and training all the way through.   

(And KT, while the devotional you sent totally related to where I was at and it was so timely, it didn't fully click until Hebrews this morning where all sorts of connections were made!  As I wrote this blog, I kept thinking that all of this sounded vaguely familiar and then was reminded of you! ;)  Thank you for planting the seeds!)