From Unraveled to Alive

"Distress that drives us to God does that. It turns us around. It gets us back in the way of salvation. We never regret that kind of pain. But those who let distress drive them away from God are full of regrets, end up on a deathbed of regrets.

And now, isn’t it wonderful all the ways in which this distress has goaded you closer to God? You’re more alive, more concerned, more sensitive, more reverent, more human, more passionate, more responsible. Looked at from any angle, you’ve come out of this with purity of heart."

II Corinthians 7:10-12

A month ago, several things unexplainably unraveled.  Things didn't make sense but then they did.  I kinda knew who was behind it all and why--God was trying to pry open my hands once again.  It's hard to let some things go, but the things that we cling to the tightest are representative of something larger, something deeper that we don't want to let go of--the habits, attitudes, faults, beliefs, etc. that we'd rather just pretend didn't exist but somehow make their way out and permeate everything.

Through all of this "weirdness", I'm starting to really embrace it because, although painful at times, I see what it's doing and how it's bringing rhythm and redirection in several key areas.  Mainly, it's been a time of getting rid of all the mental, emotional and relational clutter and getting back to the basics ... faith in its simplest form!  And, there's no better place to see childlike faith than to experience it with my child.  So rather than recreate a new post, let me just copy a portion of an email I sent to my mentor the other day that sums up September 2012 perfectly: 

[My son's] new missions project w/Sonlight started today.  They are doing Phoenix Phaxx, a 13 yr old who explores 4-5 countries (mainly in Asia) and their religions (http://phoenixphaxx.com).  The kids are raising money to buy radios for Far East Broadcasting Company and Sonlight will match every dollar raised up to $150,000 so my child has already been doing odd jobs and extra chores to earn coins.  Today, he learned about Russia via the Phoenix Phaxx video and wow, I got the goosebumps listening to my son pray for Oksana...this girl in an orphanage who received a radio and accepted Christ thru a kid's program.  It still blows me away how God is taking these little desires of my heart and weaving them into homeschool (especially in developing a missional heart within my child)!

Last week, our history lessons were all focused on the first missionaries where we learned about St. Augustine, Boniface, St Patrick, Columba and Queen Margaret of Scotland and saw how everything all intertwined with the history we have been learning this month!  It adds a whole layer of depth to history when you see behind-the-scenes like that ... it's not just the Vikings, but rather the monks at Lindesfarne who were afraid that the Vikings would find their Gospel and/or it'd get burned and the lengths they went to protect it only for the Gospel to be lost at sea via a big storm.  However, it got washed up to shore, completely in tact and only a few pages wet, allowing it to be translated and preserved.  God's hand can be traced even waaaay back then.

And then as my child and I do Bible class every morning and read from Ergermeier's Bible Story Book, I'm seeing God in a whole new light.  He's a God who wanted His people to love Him.  He gave them soooo many chances to repent yet they continued on in their ways (been reading about Moses this month).  It's stuff I've heard all my life, but I still hold that childhood/conservative-college-girl-view that God is the Judge, He's hard to please, a God of do's and don't's and grace is something for Charismatics (and I sit here and wonder why consistency is so hard for me to maintain w/a God like that)!  But, that's not God at all....His judgments aren't randomly given without ample opportunity to turn to Him first.  All I see is mercy and grace where I've never seen it before...and all of this from my child's Kindergarten curriculum.

Then, I've been struggling a lot lately bcs I'm not "doing" anything missions-wise except for myMISSION.  Have had to put a couple ministries (and missions dreams) on hold when we started homeschooling (although I really hoped I could do it all).  But then I see where God is placing me within my community via homeschooling.  He is taking the past 9 years of being mere acquaintances with workers throughout our community and giving us opportunities to build real relationships with them through the "field trip" route or just through them wanting to know what exciting things we learned today.  We're seeing so many people outside of the church really rally around us as we homeschool our child ... they've watched my child grow up before their eyes and know the smiles he's brought to them in their check-out lines or in all of the meetings and they are so excited to have something to give back to him.  And my son's insights are so pure sometimes, so "it's God, so no explanation is needed" and definite that it takes people back sometimes (even me) and opens the door for more conversations. 

So, what if "doing" missions looks different in 2012 than it did back in 1980 when the women who tend to criticize myMISSION the most were raising their children?  Just seeing how "seasonal" and transitional 20s-30s are and seeing how having a school-aged child really does put you in another season of life (regardless of homeschooling or not).  And after really wrestling over this in prayer and just seeking God for what am I supposed to do, I see where He has put me right now as the biggest mission field regardless of who agrees or not.  There are all these little opportunities to have conversations and meet people that I've never met before that stems from homeschooling.  And, you can only imagine the conversations that occur when people find out that your child is homeschooled and that's why he's not "in school" right now.

Those that know me best know that when God lays something on my heart, the passion and belief I have in it comes across excitedly and sparks unique conversations.  Through that and just being in the moment rather than stressed out about the details of everything, I get the privilege of letting my child see and hear what missional living really means.  An older woman at the post office teared up last week when my child held the door open for her and said, "Hope you have a great day!" and then excitedly turns to me and asks, "Was I being God's little boy just now?"  It's the little things!!!  What is the point of missions if we're too busy trying to do all these big projects and chase after big ideas and neglect the little things, the here and now?

All of this because of a few unexplained unravelings ... I love the verse above because in the death of letting go, I have truly become alive!  It's affecting everything, even the way I lead.  I don't feel like my mind has to be myMISSION 24/7 yet I'm not shirking myMISSION either.  It's about living one moment at a time, doing a little planning ahead, but mainly just sitting back and letting things happen as they happen.  Am not used to leading that way at all, but it's a welcome change of pace!  There are moments when I feel like I need to be out there actively recruiting new women for our group, but then at the same time, the questions "Why?" and "When?" remind me that God has our group right where He wants it and that He is growing it in His time and in His way!  I have such peace about planting myMISSION seeds again this year rather than running ourselves ragged trying to do everything to attract young women.  Slowing the pace is good for us and removes a lot of the stress!  Am really looking forward to seeing what God does this year especially when it means sitting back and letting Him do all the leading and working and us simply following Him! 

Not About the Answer but the Process

"Whenever, though, they turn to face God as Moses did, God removes the veil and there they are--face-to-face!  They suddenly recognize that God is a living, personal presence, not a piece of chiseled stone.  And when God is personally present, a living Spirit, that old, constricting legislation is recognized as obsolete.  We're free of it!  All of us!  Nothing between us and God, our faces shining with the brightness of His face.  And so we are transfigured much like the Messiah, our lives gradually becoming brighter and more beautiful as God enters our lives and we become more like Him."  II Cor. 3:16-18 (MSG)

Decisions and changes face me once again.  With these decisions come so many questions and very few answers.  The longer I go without direction and a concrete "I know this is exactly what God wants me to do" type of answer, the more impatience and frustration grow and the more persistent I become in demanding an answer.  I know God doesn't work that way nor does He cater to our demands.  I'm constantly reminded of Acts 17:24-25 and how God doesn't need us and then of Jeremiah 1:4-9 and how God has a plan for my life.  Despite what I know, this inner battle between "needing" answers versus faith always escalates until suddenly, everything stops as God speaks loud and clear once again:  will I let go of the timing, the plans, the details, the what-ifs, the fears in order to trust Him?  He's not asking me to do anything, be anything or accomplish anything...He's simply asking me to trust Him.

Even though I still lack "the answer" and have some hesitations, I keep getting the same response from God.  "Be still.  It's not about the answer right now, it's about the process."  It's about learning to be patient enough to seek Him instead of forge ahead with this decision and hope that He'll throw up huge red flags to tell me "no" if "yes" isn't the right answer.  It's about taking time to let the process run its course, about slowing down long enough to enjoy all the little discoveries along the way.

Last night, I ran across II Corinthians 3:16-18 and it showed me why God hasn't given me answers but rather many awesome discoveries.  These discoveries are not only laying a foundation for what lies ahead, but they are allowing me to experience the "living, personal presence" of God and see the work of His Spirit in a way I never have before.  Between coaching, mentoring, sweet friendships and the all the lessons God has been teaching me over the past year, everything is starting to really come together in powerful ways that allow me to see and experience God anew.

Through this process of seeking Him and only Him, I see how He is transforming my life, my attitudes and maturing my desires.  I'm seeing more of who He is and gaining a deeper understanding of what ministry is about.  I've also seen that it's not that I've had it wrong all of these years, but rather I've been living out the understanding I've had of Christ and of ministry at that time.  There is a constant progression from where I was 13 years ago when I first started getting my feet wet in church ministry to today but it totally corresponds to my relationship (and mainly, abiding time) with God.  As our understanding and relationship with God grow, the way we think, behave and lead follows suit.  And if it doesn't, I'm really seeing that it always traces back to to a lack of a consistent relationship with God. 

We can't be in God's presence without it affecting us ... "our lives gradually become brighter and more beautiful as God enters our lives and we become more like Him."  Because of that, I want to let go of all the questions and this quest for direction in exchange for His presence.  And I love the fact that that is enough! 


(lol...okay, Luann...I know this is something you've challenged me with several times over the past year--to stop seeking and just be in His presence....I finally understood what you were getting at!  Thank you!!) 

Beating Down Closed Doors

Tonight is one of those nights when I wake up and suddenly realize where I'm at.  I'm standing here knocking once again on a tightly closed door.  It's a door that has been closed for awhile.  However, I find myself cycling back around, knocking once again, just hoping someone will answer because I believe that what is behind this door is helpful, inspiring, exciting and filled with new opportunities to serve God. 

But as I stand outside this door, I peer through the window and see things going on behind the door that make me question, make me hesitate and make me wonder if it's where God can use me best.  I feel unrest, confusion and frustration every time I get a glimpse of what is behind that door.  Yet, I still stand here...knocking, hoping and watching many others walk right through this door as it's wide open to them.

There comes a point when I have to wonder how many times a person can knock on a door and it still remains closed.  Common sense would say to move on...that this isn't my door.  Yet, my feet are still here and my hand is still reaching up to knock thinking that what is behind this door somehow holds the answer to what God wants me to do. 

Yet, on the outside of this door as I watch others walking through it tonight, it suddenly hits me...what am I still doing here???  Why am I knocking on this closed door again?  When will I get a clue that this isn't my door?  When will I understand that God has something different for me?  When will I stop knocking and start trusting...trusting that I don't need this door to fulfill God's plan for my life?  What if this door is meant to steer me into something more, something tailor-made that doesn't fit the mold (kind of like everything else God has done for me)?  And, when did I even start caring about fitting the mold anyway? 

Yet I'm still here, still knocking, still hesitant to fully embrace all that God has outside that door; hesitant to take the first steps away because I know what it will cost.  I stand here still scared to let this door go because I think I "need" it when in reality I need God waaaaay more than I will ever need this door.  The door makes sense, it's logical and I know what's behind that door--it's familiar and safe and I know I can navigate it...it's everything opposite of following God. 

Yet, God doesn't need opened and closed doors...He just needs people who are willing to turn their backs on these doors and simply follow Him.  Can I stop knocking long enough in order to let go and simply and blindly follow Him? 

Standing or Stumbling?

"If people can't see what God is doing, they stumble all over themselves; but when they attend to what he reveals, they are most blessed."  Prov. 29:18 (MSG)

Many times as I read the Bible, verses jump out at me. They stick with me in the following days as God weaves portions of that verse (or theme) throughout my life.  But over time, those verses fade into the background as new ones emerge building on top of the things that God has shown me.

However, there have been a couple times in my life when a verse does more than jump out at me and it changes everything at that moment and every moment thereafter.  It's one of those things where this unusual power and striking meaning are so obvious and distinct that the only way to explain it is God.  The way the verses are read, received and understood leaves an imprint in my mind that will never be forgotten and will fuel my beliefs, ministry decisions and way of life.

My friends know the story behind Psalm 32:8 and how that has impacted my life.  And, although I've had other "verses-jumping-out-at-ya" experiences since then, none have been as powerful and life-changing until this spring when I ran across Proverbs 29:18 (see above) during a Wed. night service.

For most, it's just another verse; but for me, it brought everything together!  Actually, the first thing I wrote down was "circle lifeshape" (from Huddle/weare3dm.com) but the more the truth of that verse sank in, the larger it got!  The circle lifeshape is just the beginning...but this is the mindset that we should operate out of as leaders.  If we have it wrong, we lead wrong.  If we see ourselves, we're not seeing God.  If we see others, we're still not seeing God.  I've read this verse in a variety of translations and commentaries, and each time, the realities found in that verse change everything! 

Personal experience shows me that the secret to everything in life, in family, in ministry and in leadership is found in Proverbs 29:18 as much as it is found in Psalm 32:8.  If we're honest with ourselves, we know the times where we have seen and responded to what God is doing vs. stumbled all over ourselves by trying to do it ourselves (or half-ourselves/half-God, if you know what I mean).  We stumble when we lose moving toward God as our driving vision.  If God and His Word fail to be the focal points in our lives and ministries, we've already missed the mark from the get go. 

We also tend to stumble when we wait for others to catch up and join us.  We stumble when we believe others can tell us where we need to be and seek their opinions before God's.  We stumble when we slowly let go of the beliefs, character qualities and morals that we know to be pure, right, true, and just and rationalize the little compromises that come our way.  We stumble when we allow others to create divisions or when we dare to create divisions ourselves.  We stumble when we learn from every great leadership book yet the Bible still sits unopened on our desk (to get to later, of course).

We stumble when we remain in the dark and fail to see that we were never created to represent dark.  We stumble when we fail to lead from the inside-out--from God and His Word at the center of our being and letting Him overflow to every area of our life.  All the prayers and prep time in the Word that we do for ministry can keep us from seeing that we're running on fumes as we are still "doing" instead of finding personal rest and enjoyment in our relationship with God.  We have to faithfully be in the Word ourselves so we know God, what He is saying, where He is working and where we need to align ourselves in order to be with Him and reflect more of Him. 

Love the last part of the verse because it points out our responsibility and choice with "when they attend to what he reveals...".  Seeing what God reveals in His Word or seeing Him at work all around us is only half of the equation...responding to it makes it complete.  We can see all day long but seeing doesn't produce inner change...we have to act on the things that we see.  We can choose to obey or we can choose to keep doing our own thing...it's really as simple as that no matter how much we want to excuse it or complicate it. 

To see and to respond bring great blessings--the kind that come across in sweet relationships and in the joy, clarity and peace that come through responding to God and in turn, finding that God-rhythm to our lives.