The Desert Times

"Is this the emotional me or the Spirit-seeking me?" Such a thought-provoking question from a cherished friend!  It's one I've been asking myself over the past month as we have been faced with unexpected challenges in keeping our severely allergic child safe at church.  It has woken our family up and jolted us into action in such a way that I can't help but wonder if this is God's way of moving us a step closer to His plan. 

Life has changed so much for us over the past six months after I experienced true ministry burn out and dealt with my mom's, sister's and even my own health crises.  I have wandered so far into the desert at times that I didn't know if I could cry out to God one more time only to hear complete and utter silence, an echo of nothingness.  But through the silence, questions, heart aches and tears, I had to chose to trust that He was there if nothing else.

The desert is lined with moments where I couldn't trust any more and moments where quite a battle was fought for trust and the victory was sweet.  And the desert is where I needed to go so that I could begin to strip everything of me away in order to discover who God truly is.  The desert is where I've been the weakest, but the desert is also where I've been the strongest.   

Though I'm still wandering through that desert, there is new-found purpose with each step...a purpose that comes from being alone in the desert long enough to taste surrender, hope and renewed vision.  The sun is shining brighter and the journey is more tolerable because my will to fight is gone.  In place of the fight comes a renewed sense of conviction, a new sense of boldness and the continuing urgency to make tough, life-altering decisions that keep our family growing instead of dying (haha...literally not just spiritually).  God has been showing us as a family what hills to stand on and which ones to die on--what is most important and what is trivial in the light of the Kingdom.

There is a distinct reason why Joshua 1:9 kept appearing in the randomest of places around town or nearly every time I logged on to Facebook or hotmail or turned on the radio!

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”

The latest verse that is now before me nearly every time I turn around is Isaiah 43:18-19 (one of my favorites!):

“Do not remember the former things, nor consider the things of old.  Behold, I will do a new thing, now it shall spring forth; Shall you not know it?  I will even make a road in the wilderness and rivers in the desert."

There is a distinct reason why God is leading me (and my family) to the rivers after all of this time of wandering.  The beauty and depth of each river reminds us of His provision and care.  The river's peaceful flow urges us press on yet in God's strength.  The river offers a quiet place to rest after such a weary journey.  And the river promises us continued life, passion and ministry...all has not been snuffed out because we are stuck in this desert place. 

And, as I keep wandering in the desert and consciously choosing to trust, the faint outline of a road begins to appear.  I see it on the horizon but it's not yet my time to journey down that road.  Until that road is within reach, I will choose to keep wandering because I know what God has done, can do and wants to do.  I will choose to enjoy the scenery and unexpected blessings of being in the moment so that I can keep sharing God's love in the most unusual or creative or most mundane of ways (don't even ask...it's been crazy but amazing).  And I will choose to stay open to the people God keeps placing in our path as we are finding ourselves surrounded by more people in the desert than we ever found in plenty. 

Maybe running into these safety roadblocks at church and having to make decisions for the safety of our child is the Spirit giving us the courage to do what is right and to do what He has prepared for us as a family and as individuals.  I have no clue where God is leading or what He is doing, but I know that this time in the desert is preparation and rest for that road in the wilderness.  I see the Spirit most clearly here because the emotions are being sifted and rooted out to where I'm finally to the place where I am thankful for this journey in the desert! 

Turning Weakness Into Strength

There have been moments this school year that I feel like I truly cannot get my act together.  It's not the curriculum.  It's not my child.  It's me!  I find myself demanding perfection from my child, getting upset with him when he wants to goof off during school, and just expecting him to maintain these impossibly high standards.  I find myself reacting to him as I react to the stress of this new and unpredictable season of life that I have no clue what to do with. 

Our days start off well and centered around the Word.  But as the hours creep on and I see all the chores that aren't getting done around the house or all the things that I'm missing out on or could be doing, I begin to rush my child and his learning so I can "get on with life".

I have been in tears several times this past week over how many times I've told my child, "Hurry up!"  "Come on, you need to focus and hurry and get this done so we can get our other things done!"  There is this spirit of impatience that has permeated our education lately and I hate it.  There have been moments where I've cried out to God wondering if I'm doing more harm to my child by having him next to me as I go through this personal wilderness rather than sending him off to school for someone else to teach him (forgetting the fact that they might be in their own wilderness as well). 

As I stop to reflect on what's going wrong and why I can't get it together, I notice where my daily time with God is being rushed, too.  I notice where it's easier to breathe prayers as I rush about trying to catch up on everything after 2 1/2 months of sickness rather than take the time to sit and enjoy being in the presence of God.  I also notice where I've become sucked into this vaccum of myself as I've lost sight of God's purpose for my life after being bombarded with sickness.   Everything that has been comfortable and familiar to me is gone, including that security that comes from having great health that you don't realize you're banking on until it's taken away. 

But thankfully, I'm starting realize that I don't have to be a slave to my circumstances nor my runaway thoughts!  It doesn't have to stay this way! A change of focus is much needed.  It's not a coincidence that nearly every time I log onto Facebook or turn on the radio or do family devotions (which we've been focusing on courage via Character Trails by Character Concepts these past 3 weeks), Joshua 1:9 is being quoted. 

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go."

I've let the dismay or discouragement of being stuck in this season of sickness drive me farther and farther into the desert.  I feel like there are days when I'm wandering around aimlessly missing a life that was once mine but still wanting to cling to the fact that God has a distinct plan for my life.  It becomes all too easy to take it all out on those I love the most and in the process, damage relationships that were once flourishing.

Joshua 1:9 powerfully reminds me that God has called us out of that place of weakness.  For when God is right next to us, we have no excuse for weakness because He is completely opposite of weakness!

Being strong and of good courage means being strong in all areas--mind, body and soul.  It means facing the unknown with the security that God is with me regardless of life circumstances.  And it means thoughtfully responding to life or to my child (aka strength) rather than reacting to life or my child (aka weakness).

There is so much to lose, including harmony in the home and harmony in our homeschool when this mama is acting from the place of fear or discouragement.  Yet there is much to gain when this mama claims Joshua 1:9.  May I let the truths of this verse infiltrate my mind and soul so that I may become strong once again during this unknown season of life.

Some Things Never Change in Children's Church

Today was NoNut's first Sunday in his first grade Sunday School class and first Sunday in 1st-5th grade children's church!  It was a day of excitement and a day of apprehension as we prayed that everyone would take good care of our son and know what to do in case of an emergency (anaphylactic nut allergies).  And, God heard our prayers!   

However, I was purely overwhelmed by the end of church today and it wasn't even about the nut situation.  And if I felt that overwhelmed, I have to wonder how families new to our faith must feel!  Between seeing the verses in Sunday school, getting a paper with several Bible verses that the kids are to memorize for children's church and then learning about the Bible memory for RA's (Wed. night boys program), I was on memory verse overload!  This is to add on top of the Bible memory work that we are enjoying as a family and for our homeschool! 

As I was sitting in my son's children's church, I felt like I was escorted back to my children's church days over 20 years ago as points were awarded to the children for bringing their Bibles, singing the loudest, answering questions, etc.  It was interesting seeing the whole points concept on the adult side of the coin!  But, oh my child is too much like me!  He was confused by the points and didn't understand why he needed to earn points in church (how do you explain that concept to a 6 yr old?!). 

As I reflected on our conversation and looked at the memory verse paper sitting next to me in the car, I couldn't help but remember all the times as a child that we "crammed" the afternoon before AWANA, Sunday mornings before Sunday School and Friday mornings before Bible tests so we could say our verses and get points and/or prizes (or a good grade) for each verse that we "memorized".  Oh, did we ever learn hundreds of verses through the solid Bible programs!

Yet as I sat in Bible doctrines at BJU trying to recall all of the verses I "learned" as a child, I couldn't help but notice how many verses that I didn't remember from my childhood (was counting on those to give me an easy A--yeah right...some of you remember all of those Bible Doctrines verse cards).  I remembered the gist of a lot of verses and sometimes the book where it was found.  I remember reflecting on these very issues as I saw that my childhood was spent learning verses for the sake of learning verses while never really internalizing what I was memorizing.  The personal application of these verses got lost in the program, the points and the prizes.

Through my son's conversation about earning points at church and thinking about all the Bible memory that will be coming up for him at church, God began to whisper, "Take a step back and see what I am already doing in your family's life!"

God began to remind me of the sweet moments over His Word throughout our parenting and homeschooling journeys.  Part of hearing the Word, reading the Word and memorizing the Word is taking the time to understand the Word.  It means deciphering what God is saying, what He means and how it applies to our lives.  We need time to let His Word sit and soak and develop meaning to it.  The meaning that God gives as we feast on His Words, especially as we see His Word in action in our lives, brings the verses to life and etches them even deeper into our memory!  To me, that is far richer than memorizing verses for points and prizes.  The prize is in having God's Word firmly planted into our minds and hearts! 

As I began to pray about everything and how to incorporate even more Bible memory into what we are already doing, God was saying His familiar, "Let go!"  Let go of traditions, of the way it's "supposed" to be, of the fear of man's opinions if we don't do the selected memory work or the fear of my child being the oddball.  God wants me to let go so we can keep experiencing the ways that His Word is changing our family and bringing our hearts closer to Him.  He wants us to be open to memorizing His Word because we want to know Him and what He has to say.  Memorizing His Word shouldn't be "something else we have to do" or something that feels burdensome.  It's a delight and an honor...one that changes our lives as we internalize it! 

So for now, the stress of Bible memory is gone as I see that God has already been leading us down a path of Bible memory that is working for our family.  There isn't a right or wrong way or right or wrong place to do Bible memory.  My prayer is that my child will desire God's Words more than fine gold (or in the short term, more than earning points and prizes)!

The law of the Lord is perfect, converting the soul: the testimony of the Lord is sure, making wise the simple.

The statutes of the Lord are right, rejoicing the heart: the commandment of the Lord is pure, enlightening the eyes.

The fear of the Lord is clean, enduring for ever: the judgments of the Lord are true and righteous altogether.

More to be desired are they than gold, yea, than much fine gold: sweeter also than honey and the honeycomb.

Psalm 19:7-10

(This, incidentally, is a portion of scripture that we learned in Sunday School as one of the men brought in his guitar and taught us this passage through song!  Little did he know that this song/passage would be passed on down to the next generation through the same song!  Now this was a verse that was internalized for the long haul!)