First, Clear My Blurred Vision (#fmfparty)

"So let's keep focused on that goal, those of us who want everything God has for us. If any of you have something else in mind, something less than total commitment, God will clear your blurred vision--you'll see it yet! Now that we're on the right track, let's stay on it." 
Philippians 3:15-16 (MSG)

We start out well, hoping for the best, expecting great things, and planning out all the things we need to do in order to be who we want to be. But not even halfway in, we get side-tracked and distracted. We see what others are (or aren't) doing or we where we can better fit in unaware that God has placed in a particular spot for a particular reason. We allow seeds of discontent, entitlement, and frustration to take root. We internalize feedback and criticism. And little by little, we lose sight of what we hoped for. Our vision becomes blurry and we begin to veer off the marked path that God set out for us because our eyes are focusing elsewhere.

Sometimes our vision becomes so blurry that all we see is what is right in front of us--ourselves! We fail to see those around us. And frankly, we even fail to see God. We forget who we are and Whose we are as we lose our way and we become absorbed into the culture around us and living out of our flesh rather than Spirit-filled hearts. Not only do we lose our vision, we lose our hearing as we blow off what people say thinking we've got it all under control and we aren't that far off track.

Yet through it all, God is calling out to us--sometimes quietly and sometimes loudly--doing what He can to get us to shift our eyes back on Him so He can clear our blurred vision. He is wanting us to remember our original goals that we started out with (see Phil 3:12-14--"I am well on my way to reaching out for Christ, who has so wonderously reached out for me....I've got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward--to Jesus.")

In our sinfulness and selfishness, we ignore God's call yet He loves us too much to let us go so He tries once again to get our attention. Lately, God has been using the brutal honesty of older and wiser friends to sharpen my vision. How grateful I am for friends who aren't afraid to speak God's Word to me and who call me out on attitudes and motives that are less than Christ-like (Galatians 6 seems to be the "theme"). They know that I desire God and to share Him through example and conduct, but I'm not living up to that in certain areas.

So while I might have ended 2015 with blurred vision, my first cry in 2016 can be for God to clear my vision so that everything I have within me refocuses on that goal and becomes poised to follow on the right track as I reach out for Christ.

* Five Minute Friday (#FMFparty) gives writers a word prompt. We are encouraged to write whatever comes to mind about that word in just five minutes.  No editing, no perfection, only writing from the heart.  To find out more, visit http://katemotaung.com/five-minute-friday/.  This week's word is "FIRST"

Birthday Eve Reflections

It's the night before my birthday--a night where I am reminded of the blessings and challenges of the year and a night where I go to bed in eager anticipation of the surprises that lay ahead, not just for tomorrow but for another year!

In some ways, I barely remember my last birthday because a lot has happened since then. This has been the year of lasts as the reality of my grandma's impending death hung in the air. It is the year that taught me the value of a moment, the importance of saying what needs to be said, and of not being afraid to love, forgive, hug, cry, and creatively survive.

It is the year where I was on a quest to pursue my "Word of the Year" of 'restore' and gained so much in return. I've experienced the hardship of peeling away the thickest and innermost onion layers that rested on the core of who I am. This was years in the making but past time to go there if I wanted to move forward. In the process, I experienced the torturing agony of still carrying things God never intended for me to carry. Yet, I experienced the freedom that comes with releasing a childhood of hurt through choosing to forgive, choosing to love, and choosing to refute all the lies that I've held on to all these years with God's truth.

This has been a year of discovery through seeing the truth as it really is whether it was totally falling flat on my face ("pride cometh before a fall" is embarrassingly true), or having trusted friends bluntly point out blind spots (ouch!), or having verses that I've read many times suddenly jump out as if it were the first time I ever read them!

This has been a year of curiosity and exploration, of answering all the "what if's" that I've had especially regarding music...what if I had grown up pursuing music? What if I had taken flute lessons? What if I had pursued singing? What if I had followed through with music instead of let fear, insecurity, and man's opinion when I was a teen and young adult keep me from being a real musician?

This year, I found myself learning new things, being stretched musically, and actually taking voice lessons. The latter has been a hoot, but it's also where I have seen so much inner restoration take place.

God has used the whole process of making music to unearth what was below the surface so that He could show me just how much He wanted to restore it so that my music comes from a place of redemption and wholeness that points to Him. I'm not totally there with all of that yet, but am getting there!

While my husband thinks I'm having some kind of midlife crisis by taking voice lessons (not flute or piano or something that didn't come out of left field like voice did), God has actually used my voice teacher to show me His heart and who He is through the way she accepts, corrects, instructs, and guides without any intention other than helping me to see how we are naturally created to praise God and sing out to Him. When I walk into voice lessons, it is one of two places in this world where I truly find no shaming, no critiquing, no competition, no comparison, no hesitation, and no perfection, only a simple desire from my teacher to show me what is needed to draw out the best and help me discover what I didn't know about God and myself through the challenge and beauty of music.

I have no clue how or why but music is what God has chosen this year to teach me the most about Him. Along with much prayer and Starbucks, music has been a way to help me cope with the stresses that come from a 24/7 life of constant vigilance over our allergy child, first-time business ownership, homeschooling (where the assignments are no longer 2+2=4 and are requiring me to actually study before presenting lessons), personal disappointments as we are another year without a baby in our arms, and dealing with the loss of two grandparents in a 14-month time span plus a very close friend. Music is something that infuses relaxation and creativity into my day. And music fuels the achiever in me as there is great satisfaction in defeating crazy timing and trouble spots, reaching notes I've never been able to reach before, and experimenting with new techniques that actually produce results (like singing and playing the flute at the exact same time--accidentally discovered it one afternoon I had a sore throat and then later learned it was a real thing). I might not be able to solve life's problems, but I am determined enough to master a challenging piece of music! It's a great way to channel my thoughts and energy into something productive and enjoyable instead of letting life and life's worries and frustrations fester until I break down or explode.

As I see my 40s quickly approaching, it makes me want to savor these last two years in my 30s. I want to be daring enough to keep trying new things (aka those things that others view as a midlife crisis) for everything is still being woven together in the details to help me fulfill the unique purposes that God has for my life (even though it may have nothing to do with the current "new thing").

^"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord,

“plans to prosper you and not to harm you, 

plans to give you hope and a future." 

Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

Learning to Bow // five minute friday

“Start with God—the first step in learning is bowing down to God.” Proverbs 1:7a (Message)

Last year, God led us to Proverbs 1:7a to define the goal of our homeschool as this verse answers the what and the why of our motivation to homeschool. It's not only our goal, but it is the foundation of our educational philosophy. 

However, we have lost sight of that goal and we’ve only completed our first month of the school year. Somewhere between the battle of the wills, lack of support from friends who used to think homeschooling was great but now think we’re crazy for continuing with it, and dealing with a child who has a great brain but uses it only when he wants to, we have completely lost sight of the bigger picture.

As soon as I saw this week’s word ("learn"*), Proverbs 1:7 came to mind reminding me of what learning is all about. God led us down the path of homeschooling so we could learn together as a family what it means to start with Him and how to bow down to Him in everything. It is a verse both for parent and child, teacher and student.

It sounds simple in theory but it’s in the middle of the battle of the wills when I’m feeling rather ungodly that I need to bow down to God instead of bow down to my way and what I feel in that moment. God's response has a way of diffusing situations and lending much-needed perspective. Bowing down to God when my friends back away means loving them regardless and standing firm in what we believe knowing that following God requires sacrifice and obedience. And bowing down to God when my child refuses to apply himself means seeking Him for direction, patience, love, and guidance as I respond to my child.

Bowing down to God isn’t just something I do but it’s something I have to teach my child to do as well. It’s teaching my child that we all are under God’s authority and showing him what that relationship looks like. It’s taking the time to explain the “why” behind our rules and rather than making Christianity look like a bunch of do’s and don’ts. It’s giving God the respect that He deserves as we live out our lives respecting one another. It’s making God’s Word, His ways, and Him a priority in all that we do. It’s intentionally living out Deuteronomy 11:18-21 (the very passage that I have so resisted using to illustrate why we homeschool because it is so overused and thrown out carelessly in too many circles):

“Therefore you shall lay up these words of mine in your heart and in your soul, and bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. You shall teach them to your children, speaking of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up. And you shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates, that your days and the days of your children may be multiplied in the land of which the Lord swore to your fathers to give them, like the days of the heavens above the earth.”

I feel like our school days lately are 80% dealing with heart issues and 20% “education”. And this week has been flat-out discouraging, frustrating, and exhausting! We have moments where my child totally excels, applies himself, and hungers for knowledge. But then we have those moments that threaten to ruin the entire day because everything simply falls apart for him and we choose to end our day early to save the relationship and deal with the behavioral issues at hand. 

How I needed to meditate on Proverbs 1:7 tonight, to remember the why, and to reflect on what is most important for us to learn this year! While homeschooling is exhausting and challenging work at times, it truly is excellent training ground for both the parent and child/the teacher and student to learn what it means to bow down to God in every area of life. 

*Five Minute Friday (#FMFparty) gives writers a word prompt. We are encouraged to write whatever comes to mind about that word in just five minutes.  No editing, no perfection, only writing from the heart.  To find out more, visit http://katemotaung.com/five-minute-friday/.  This week's word is "LEARN".

dream // five minute friday

Five Minute Friday (#FMFparty) gives writers a word prompt. We are encouraged to write whatever comes to mind about that word in just five minutes.  No editing, no perfection, only writing from the heart.  To find out more, visit http://katemotaung.com/five-minute-friday/.  This week's word is "DREAM".

I have forgotten what it's like to dream and to have those thoughts that take you from where you are today to somewhere else that you really want to be in life. Busyness, routine, sleeplessness, merely existing, and mindlessly staring at my laptop or iPhone rob me of the ability to dream.

And honestly, when I take the time to dream, "what if's" choke out my dreams. Insecurity tells me that I'm not good enough to dream those kinds of dreams. Comparison shows me all that I lack. And fear holds me back so much so that I doubt each step forward. I give up dreaming before I even begin to dream only to find myself living this life where I'm aiming at so many different things and still completely missing the mark.

A friend recently asked me, "What would you do for God if you couldn't fail?" The answer to that question surprises me because the answers are things that I enjoy doing yet are not things that my life (education, ministry training, professional training, etc.) has been geared toward all of these years. To follow these dreams would mean a radical shift and leaving behind everything that is familiar including people and areas of ministry that I thought I really liked (and I do like these things, but they don't fuel me like living out my dreams do). Pursuing these dreams would unleash renewed creativity, vibrancy, passion, faith, and opportunities to do unique things as God paves the way.

If dreaming and pursuing my dreams would bring all of that, why then do I mock God's truths in Jeremiah 1:4-9 by lacking the courage to dream?

"Then the word of the Lord came to me, saying:  “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you; before you were born I sanctified you; I ordained you a prophet to the nations.” Then said I: “Ah, Lord God! Behold, I cannot speak, for I am a youth.” But the Lord said to me: “Do not say, ‘I am a youth,’ for you shall go to all to whom I send you, and whatever I command you, you shall speak. Do not be afraid of their faces, for I am with you to deliver you,” says the Lord.  Then the Lord put forth His hand and touched my mouth, and the Lord said to me: “Behold, I have put My words in your mouth."

My Words for 2013

I've sat down many times to write a New Year's post but the words will not come.  I don't know how to translate all the things God has been showing me into sentences and paragraphs as they have been deeply thought-provoking and requiring a life response.  To talk would cheapen His lessons and to share would be premature as He is still chipping away at a few things to make room for a better understanding.

So, simply put, here are my words for 2013--words that answer who God wants me to be this year, words that provide an instant checklist for every choice and decision, and words that push me to action:

a devoted, disciplined, decluttered disciple

It's a lot, but it's doable (yes, the letter "D" has been popping up everywhere to support these words...it's crazy)!

I love how these words give me a way to weed out bad vs. good vs. best and a way to weed out the things that don't create rhythm in my life through asking the following questions (keep in mind that nearly everything can be filled in the blanks below):

    ~  Will _____ help me become more devoted to Christ and fuel a passion for Him or will it distract me or cause me to lose my focus on Him?

    ~  Is ____ helping me be more disciplined?  (Hey, the dishes are actually getting done every night because wasting time on Facebook isn't a picture of discipline.  I'm finally making progress on my stack of books because discipline means being mindful instead of sitting mindless in front of the TV.  And I'm discovering that skipping McDonalds has more than financial benefits as healthier choices are made and I feel better.)

    ~  Do I really need _____?  (from another purse or "thing" to an attitude, emotion, activity or ministry--it makes me question why I'm hanging on to things and what is my motive)?

    ~  What would Jesus do?  As ultra-generic as this question is, if I want to follow Christ and be His disciple as well as disciple others, I want to do what He does and respond as He would out of a genuine desire for Him.

Being a devoted, disciplined, decluttered disciple is a tall order, but this is who God has called me to be this year!  I'm excited about this journey of discovering Him and intentionally making my life a testimony of what He can do when we choose to let Him!

What are your words for 2013?