From Bearable to Beautiful (#fmf)

Healing is a slow process. Here I am finally ready to do the hard work of tackling my past and untangling all the mixed childhood messages that still speak into my mind and heart as an adult. I figured it'd be a few months and then I'd be free and healed and life would be sunshine and roses (well...you know what I mean). Yet, we are six months into it and there isn't an end in sight. The work is very intense, grueling, beautiful, freeing, and slow...very slow. It's slow because it's a rewriting based on truth, God's truth, self-truth/self-love, and weeding out all the things that have been held tightly for so long. It's not as easy as saying a prayer and praying some more and memorizing a few more verses on top of that and then all is well. It's a rooting out of the deepest things that make up your inner core--it's deep heart and soul work that can't be done by prayer alone.

It reminds me a lot of our attempts to grow strawberries. It ended up not being as simple as throwing seeds on the ground and strawberries appearing. I do not have a green thumb nor do I have the patience for gardening. When I plant seeds, I expect them to grow and have this great yield! But every time I've planted seeds, we are lucky if we actually grow something!

The first year we tried to grow strawberries, we had to prepare the soil in our pot, plant the strawberry seeds, and then care for the seeds. It took WEEKS before we saw the first sprout and we were soooo excited! Within days, more strawberry plants started sprouting. We were going to have A LOT of strawberries! However, as the days went on and the first fruit started forming, it didn't really look like a strawberry at all...it looked more like a tomato! It was like the start of a blonde joke and for days, I really questioned if it was supposed to be a strawberry! It didn't take too many days before it became obvious we were not growing strawberries in the slightest! Yuck--tomatoes instead of strawberries--how disappointing (I hate tomatoes!). It turned out that the package was mislabeled and the company mailed us another package of strawberry seeds! So we decided to try again the next year. It took forever to get something to grow out of the soil. But once we finally had our strawberry plants growing, they died just before they started growing fruit. We were at a busy season in life and didn't take time to care for them and neglected them. I assumed that nature would take its course and that the sun and rain would be enough to grow strawberries, but it didn't exactly work that way! We tried growing strawberries again the third year and nothing sprouted out of the soil. From then on, we started visiting the orchard and have enjoyed their abundant harvest year after year because we couldn't get anything to grow. It was easier to give up than try again!

Why do some people plant and receive an abundant harvest while others try and end up with brown leaves and dried out plants? With that question, I am reminded of a quote that a friend shared years ago in her blog:

“If Jesus gives us a task or assigns us to a difficult season, every ounce of our experience is meant for our instruction and completion if only we'll let Him finish the work. I fear, however, that we are so attention-deficit that we settle for bearable when beauty is just around the corner." ~Beth Moore

All my adult life, I've settled for bearable. I've found a way to work around the deep heart issues, found a way to achieve and succeed at all I do, and I've found a way to emulate Super Woman all the while struggling to keep up on the inside. But there comes a breaking point when the reality of life hits us hard and we realize that bearable is no longer working! Well, it works, but it feels like we are no longer living our lives as they were meant to be lived! Do we dare believe that beauty is for us? Do we try something else and hope it works because nothing else has? Do we have the courage to risk again so we can move out of bearable into beauty? Do we have the gumption to walk this journey alone because many around us will not understand what is so important about moving from bearable to beauty because they have never experienced beauty themselves? Do we give up predictability and familiarity to walk an uncharted course in our lives? Do we have the faith to follow the path when it seems so slow, and change isn't instant, and we begin to wonder if there really is such a thing as beauty?

“The Spirit of the Lord God is upon Me, because the Lord has anointed Me to preach good tidings to the poor; He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to those who are bound; to proclaim the acceptable year of the Lord, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all who mourn, to console those who mourn in Zion, to give them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they may be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified.” Isaiah 61:1-3

As we take each step from bearable to beautiful, we begin to understand the promises of Isaiah 61:1-3. We discover how God's comfort is like a warm blanket around us in the dark nights of our soul. We feel lightness in our hearts as we unlock the secrets that have always kept us bound. We watch the ashes blow away leaving fertile soil for something new to grow. We experience lasting joy that is usually snuffed out by anxiety. And we are able to witness transformation happen slowly but surely. It's the little moments of progress that keep us on the path to beautiful because we know what little we've experienced is real and it's life-changing enough to fuel that hope to take another step even when it seems unbearable. No one may ever see or understand the depth and purpose of those little moments but they are uniquely ours to help keep our feet on the path and believe beauty is around the corner. As much as I don't want it to, it really might take a lifetime to round the corner, but it's better to live a life lined with beautiful moments than to live dead in the bearable never knowing such beauty exists!

"And not only that, but we also rejoice in our afflictions, because we know that affliction produces endurance, endurance produces proven character, and proven character produces hope. This hope will not disappoint us, because God’s love has been poured out in our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us."
Romans 5:4-5

Five Minute Friday (#FMFparty) gives writers a word prompt. We are encouraged to write whatever comes to mind about that word in just five minutes (although, I usually go longer bcs FMF helps fuel that spark in me to write).  No editing, no perfection, only writing from the heart.  To find out more, visit http://katemotaung.com/five-minute-friday/.  This week's word is "SLOW".

When Weakness is Strength (#fmfparty)

What seems like weakness is actually strength in disguise when we refuse to let weakness overtake us.

• Weakness is strength when we see things as they really are--not what we think they should be or what they could have been.
• Weakness is strength when we feel the intense pain that was brought to us through the words, hands, and actions of others throughout the course of our life.
• Weakness is strength when we cry those long-buried tears as we lift up the proverbial rug that everything has been swept under during our lifetime. 
• Weakness is strength when we utter those secrets that have held us captive.
• Weakness is strength when we reach out for help to navigate the swirling emotions and feelings that we always refused to feel because they cannot stay contained anymore.
• Weakness is strength when we take a step back from life and recognize all the unhealthy coping patterns that allow us to project a strong front when we are crumbling inside.
• Weakness is strength when we give up the thing we long for that temporarily distances us from our present pain.
• Weakness is strength when we choose to take the next step even though we don't know where it will lead.
• Weakness is strength when we really don't know how to have faith anymore but believe that faith the size of a mustard seed is enough.
• Weakness is strength when we share our load knowing that we weren't created to bear all the pain of the past, present, and future alone.
• Weakness is strength when we remember who we are and Whose we are...when we are created by God, the ultimate creator, everything we think we are pales in comparison with that.
• Weakness is strength when we realize "fake it until you make it" doesn't always work and that sometimes we just can't fake it anymore and find the strength to admit that before it's too late.
• Weakness is strength when we give up systems that no longer work for us because they help us perpetuate patterns that keep us stuck and unable to live out our potential.
• Weakness is strength when we accept the journey of healing for it is a journey that takes everything from us emotionally, spiritually, physically, and mentally yet it replenishes us with something completely different in return that frees, restores, and fulfills far beyond anything else.

Weakness is actually the place where I've found the greatest strength. Because if it weren't for the weak times, I wouldn't have known how strong and how resilient I am. God has called us out of those weak places and gives us grace, mercy, love, and strength for our journey. Weaknesses and strengths look different to each person so we cannot afford to minimize or discredit what another journey looks like based off what we think a person should do or say or where we think they should be at a certain point in their journey. Rather, we should be the ones to come alongside others when they are weak and lend our compassion, empathy, and confidence as we help others walk toward strength no matter how big or how small their steps may be.

"Because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, for this reason, to keep me from exalting myself, there was given me a thorn in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to torment me—to keep me from exalting myself! Concerning this I implored the Lord three times that it might leave me. And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong.

II Corinthians 12:7-10

Five Minute Friday (#FMFparty) gives writers a word prompt. We are encouraged to write whatever comes to mind about that word in just five minutes.  No editing, no perfection, only writing from the heart.  To find out more, visit http://katemotaung.com/five-minute-friday/.  This week's word is "WEAK".

Safety is More Than Offering a Verse (#fmfparty)

Safety...it's one of those things that is easy to take for granted until your world gets turned upside down. What was supposed to be safe suddenly isn't and you're left wondering what happened as you pick up the pieces of what once was while trying to make sense of it all.

• How could someone you trust use you without abandon? 
• How could someone you shared your heart with exploit it for personal gain and control?
• How could someone you love be so reckless?
• How could someone who had your best interests in mind suddenly take everything from you? 

I don't know. These are questions many ask on a daily basis when all sense of safety has been shattered.

At times like these, we offer all the Christian words and the verses that we are supposed to like Romans 8:28, Philippians 4:13, Genesis 50:20 and we say that we'll pray. But in reality, very few pause long enough to notice what happens when all sense of security is lost and to hear the cries of someone rendered helpless and sinking.

Sometimes we add to the confusion and hurt by giving our Christian answers when what is needed most is a hug, a shoulder to cry on, patience for the journey, a listening ear, or some tangible way that extends the loving arms of God outward. I never want to discount the value and importance and hope of God's Word; however, when the illusion of safety is suddenly shattered, love, comfort, acceptance, and a shelter free from judgment and condemnation are paramount. When this kind of shelter is created, it makes room for God and His Word to enter in powerfully and speak into the darkest fears and deepest insecurities.

There are many of us out there ready to share a verse and to say we are praying, but how many of us will take the time to see beyond that and to purposefully be and create a safe place for others? How many are willing to help others walk step-by-step as they regain their sense of safety and security without the pressure of performance or a timetable? In this way, we learn to become people of safety as we offer Jesus and His hope through our love, empathy, and compassion as we walk alongside others in their pain rather than toss out a well-meaning verse at a distance and pray that all will be well.

Five Minute Friday (#FMFparty) gives writers a word prompt. We are encouraged to write whatever comes to mind about that word in just five minutes.  No editing, no perfection, only writing from the heart.  To find out more, visit http://katemotaung.com/five-minute-friday/.  This week's word is "SAFE".

Choosing to Breathe (#fmfparty)

Nearly Every Sunday in 2016

• 8:25 a.m. to 8:55 a.m. – Shower, hair, dress, and make up.
• 8:55 a.m. to 9:10 am. – Get my guys up, breakfast made, clothes laid out for them.
• 9:15 a.m. – Leave for church without my guys (they are still eating breakfast, brushing teeth, and getting dressed).
• 9:30 a.m. – Setting up classroom for Sunday School.
• 9:45-10 a.m. – Kids arrive.
• 10:00 a.m. to 10:45 a.m. – Energetic (and hopefully) exciting games, activities, and lessons from Lifeway’s FLYTE curriculum (which is perfect for preteens because it dives into topics relevant to that age group).
• 10:45 a.m. to 10:50 a.m. – Clean up classroom because it looks like a tornado went through it (this includes smooshed poptarts, mostly full water bottles, and gum wrappers).
• 10:50 a.m. to 11 a.m. – Get instrument ready or practice songs or go over sound board one more time, make sure choir book and music are in the right places for the service, sometimes have time to pray with the rest of the praise team.
• 11 a.m. to 11:25 a.m. – Special (depends if it was praise team week or not), congregational song (play or sing depending on week), choir song, congregational song, sometimes an offertory (play or sing with group), congregational song, special (which is my cue to get off the stage and go breathe for a minute unless I’m at the sound board and by that point, my brain is fried and I’m stressed because the monitors are never loud enough on stage but those in the pews are being blown away. Despite the texts and stares for monitor adjustments, I always give them the best that I have. Didn't realize I had been holding my breath all through the last song as I was adjusting the faders just right).
• 11:25 a.m. to 11:55 a.m. – This is the first time I get to sit down all morning and try to breathe, but my heart is pumping with too much adrenaline from all the excitement of Sunday School to the pressure and nerves that come with doing music. This isn’t enough time for me to breathe until I run back to the sound board in a few minutes.
• 11:55 a.m. to 12:15 p.m. – Covering at sound board during invitation, after service music, and making a CD of the service.
• 12:30 p.m. – Home.
• 12:30 p.m. to 2 p.m. – Making and eating lunch with my family.
• 2 p.m. to 4 p.m. – I’m flat out exhausted and my introverted self must recharge if I'm going to be personable tonight (aka nap).
• 4:15 p.m. to 5:30 p.m. – Back at church for choir practice.
• 6 p.m. to 7 p.m. – Playing or singing for evening service (A LOT less hectic than morning service).
• 7 p.m. to 8 p.m. – Either practicing for an upcoming special, doing something church-related, or socializing (which was rare).
• 8:15 p.m. – Make it home just in time to put child to bed (it feels like I've hardly seen him because I’ve been at church all day and then too tired to enjoy family time).
• 8:30 p.m to 10 p.m. – Totally wiped out and need time to rest and recharge before cleaning the house and getting everything together that we need for school and work.
• 11 p.m. to 1 a.m. – Second wind hits so I tackle my seminary reading and homework.

Sundays in 2017

• 9:30 a.m. -- Everyone gets to sleep in plus we have time for a family breakfast.
• 10:30 a.m. – Ride together as a family to church.
• 11 a.m. to 12:20 p.m. – Worship together as a family at church (we actually have time to sit together because we aren’t off in our various areas serving).
• 1 p.m. to 9 p.m. – Lunch and then a quiet afternoon together as a family to b.r.e.a.t.h.e.

My Sundays in 2017 are about CHOOSING what is better for me and my family … CHOOSING to breathe! Sometimes choosing to breathe means letting go of performance-based beliefs, relationships, and environments that keep me from truly breathing. When I’m not breathing, I’m not living--I am merely existing. God has called me to more than existing!! But in order to step into His calling, I must learn to breathe, fully breathe so I can fully live and fully serve! I want to exhale those refreshing breaths of Him rather than exhaling the short, adrenaline-filled breaths that never refresh and satisfy.

³⁸ As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. ³⁹ She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said. ⁴⁰ But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!”
⁴¹ “Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, ⁴² but few things are needed—or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.”
Luke 10:38-42

Five Minute Friday (#FMFparty) gives writers a word prompt. We are encouraged to write whatever comes to mind about that word in just five minutes.  No editing, no perfection, only writing from the heart.  To find out more, visit http://katemotaung.com/five-minute-friday/.  This week's word is "BREATHE".