The Loudest Whispers (#fmf)

    There are moments when the whispers of the Holy Spirit become the loudest things I hear. That still small voice loudly echoes over all the noise in the world in such a way that I can’t help but hear it (I Kings 19:11–12). That voice beckons a response as it ushers in wisdom, clarity and peace. It informs, redirects and leads the way (Isaiah 20:31). In those moments, the loudest thing in the room is the sound of my heart beating—beating with anticipation for things revealed and beating with fear for things unknown. A flurry of thoughts fill my head as I ponder the possibilities of what could be and revisit old dreams. These old dreams carry hints of things to come...things that haven’t died no matter the twists and turns that have happened over the years (Psalm 32:8). These dreams remind me of the still small voice that spoke so loudly years ago. But I ran from that voice because I was scared of the bigness of it all—what if I failed at carrying out what was being asked but what if I succeeded at it, too? Both seemed equally scary.

    Yet this time around, the still small voice loudly reassures me of truth and I now know how to stand firmly in that truth. The voice reminds me of the transformation that has taken place and that I no longer have to run in fear. I now understand that new paths can be forged if the process is welcomed, accepted and endured one step at a time--pacing myself for the long-haul rather than burning out after the first year or two. This transformation speaks loudly of the security that comes from hearing and trusting the Holy Spirit. 

     Once holy whispers become the loudest things we hear, we are able to move forward in new ways because those whispers shout louder than our doubts and fears.

Five Minute Friday (#FMFparty) gives writers a word prompt every Friday. We are encouraged to write whatever comes to mind about that word in just five minutes. No editing, no perfection, only writing from the heart. To find out more, visit Five Minute Friday. This week's word is "LOUD".

 

 
This mixed media response piece was created from two processing finger paintings as I processed through several big things on my mind. I tore up the finger paintings (which is cathartic in itself) to create this piece merging the two lines of thought. This mixed media piece represents the swirling between old and new, past and present, light and dark, trauma and possibilities, stuck and moving forward, and fear and faith. This piece can be turned in different directions. Whether pointing upward or pointing forward to the right, the arrow represents shalom and kairos moments...moments infused with the Holy Spirit...that break through our lives as the Spirit fulfills God’s promises in Psalm 32:8 revealing the paths He has for us.

Boundaries Remove the Need (#fmf)

It is one of the best things to open my November/December calendar and discover empty weekends this year! It’s still a novelty to have free weekends because I spent several years where every Saturday and Sunday were devoted to Christmas music ministry (praise band, praise team, sound team).

This year, we can make plans and not have to shuffle them around children’s Christmas musical practices (which were Fridays/Saturdays/some Sundays), adult cantata practices (some Saturdays/Sunday afternoons), Hanging of the Greens practices (usually Thanksgiving weekend and all Sunday afternoon just before performance Sunday night), and praise team practices (which were held every Saturday morning). It wasn’t uncommon for children’s and adult practices to be back-to-back meaning we’d be at the church for 4-6 hours a day plus the time spent with praise team on Saturday/Sundays and church services.

When I look at my empty calendar and then reflect how my schedule usually plays out in November and December, I feel sweet relief. There are moments when I really miss my church music friends and the opportunities to make music with them, but those moments are quickly overshadowed with the stress that I still feel when I think about those days or the shame over getting so sucked up into the churchy bubble when 95% of my life happened outside of church but yet my whole life was for the church.

It’s embarrassing to think of all the festive activities and parties we turned down because they conflicted with practices. I turned down friends when they had real needs, but after spending all day at church, I had nothing to left to give anyone. This is where I hoped that good intentions would be good enough because it was all I had to offer (ouch!). There were weekends when I sacrificed our family traditions or rushed my family through Christmas activities so I could be back at church for another practice or to get my own practice time in so I’d be ready for practice. I dreaded November and December because I knew it would be one big juggling act that would leave me stressed and frustrated because it’d be another year of giving up the things I really wanted to do for something I still wanted to do but somehow, it overtook everything!

What I didn’t know last November and December (and the ones before that) that I know now is that boundaries are necessary within church life. It’s okay to say no to good things. All of my life, I was taught that we need to be there for the church and that God has equipped us with special abilities and talents to use for the church. Growing up, I was taught that it’s our duty as believers to be there for others and to be there for the church and that often came at the expense of our home life as children. I grew up thinking it was my calling to sacrifice my needs and desires as a child and teenager in order to serve others because their needs were more pressing than mine. We’ve been given a good life, so we needed to share it with others. But at the same time, I learned that in order to have my needs met as a child/teen, we needed to meet everyone else’s first.

That line of thinking works when you don’t know anything different about God, church, and family life. But there comes a point in life when that mindset no longer works. “Needing” to give becomes a compulsion to give. And last year, God kept bringing me back to this idea of freedom and a life that He designed for me that goes beyond compulsion. He kept showing me how much I do because I have to do it or need to do it and He kept bringing me back to 2 Corinthians 9:7 (ESV): “Each one must give as he has decided in his heart, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver.” 

It got to the point where all I felt in ministry was stress, pressure, and performance and the joy was sucked out with the compulsion. All of that was reinforced in the fast-paced, high-performance church environment I was in. For every no I tried to utter, spoken and unspoken messages reminded me that it was a privilege to serve and that my talents were needed in order to pull it off. I was reminded to pray more and specifically ask God to give me strength to do what He’s called me to do because we all were juggling busy lives and struggling with the practice schedules, too. I felt guilty because I couldn’t keep up with everything and everyone else could (at least it looked that way on the outside). 

I often wondered if we wanted others to experience God at Christmas, why weren’t we given time to experience Him, too? But God was crammed into prayer before practices and we all knew we were doing this for God and to reach others through our performance, so God understood it was for Him (misguided but well-intentioned). But at the same time, the holiday season would end and it would be then that I'd realize I didn’t even experience God because I didn’t have time to stop and experience Him with all the practices and getting ready for them. There were moments that spoke to me as we played/sang through songs, and those moments combined with rushed devotions before going to practice or exhausted devotions when I got home from practice somehow had to be enough. But it wasn't...it got to the point where it wasn’t good enough for me to go to church. I wanted more than church because I was missing the whole point of church--I was missing God!

This year, the whole point of church has been hashed out one week at a time as I’ve wrestled through what is church, what does it mean, and what place does it have in my life. I’ve wrestled with ministry callings because I’ve experienced what God can do when we are in align with Him and following Him even in a broken church system but not knowing if I could ever go back to as things were. All of this plus my seminary classes have taught me that broken systems contain broken people. And broken people usually have boundary-less lives. Boundary-less lives lead to lives of doing, striving, proving, or performing in order to help us define who we are as titles, accolades, attention, or success give us our value.

When I opened my November/December calendar this morning, a wave of panic hit as I thought of all the practices/performances I would be missing this year and how it’s not fair that others get all of those opportunities and I don’t. And then as memories of all the stress hit…yeah, they can have it!!! Panic turned to excitement because I literally have a blank calendar to offer those I love!! I’m really excited about that because I get to say “yes” this year. I get to say yes to enjoying Thanksgiving without a looming weekend practice in order to get ready for the Hanging of the Greens service (which usually meant leaving the family that traveled to see us fending for themselves while I’m at practice), to baking and decorating all the favorite cookies that we rushed through in previous years, to not just googling but actually completing cool Christmas crafts with my child, to going on a Christmas date with my husband, to driving around and looking at Christmas lights without feeling pulled in different directions, and to taking time to savor the sights and sounds of Thanksgiving and Christmas with my friends and family. It’s as it should be! (lol, my child brought up last night on the way home from church that he's glad he doesn't have to worry about memorizing songs and lines and can just enjoy his holidays!)

I don’t “need” to do anything for God because He has done it all for me…all I “need” to do is rest in Him. It’s very freeing! Part of honoring God is to take care of me and to set those boundaries even within church life that preserve my time, energy, and health so I can give away what He wants me to give to the people He wants me to give it to. Boundaries help define who I am and it gives room to let others be who they are. Boundaries allow every person to take responsibility for their own lives and for their own calendars realizing that in the end, we only answer to God, not well-meaning Christians. And when I keep that perspective, there is joy in an empty calendar because it means God gets to fill it up and keep writing the story that He’s been writing…and to me, that is the pathway to freedom!

“God made my life complete when I placed all the pieces before Him.

When I got my act together, He gave me a fresh start.

Now I’m alert to God’s ways; I don’t take God for granted.

Every day I review the ways He works; I try not to miss a trick.

I feel put back together, and I’m watching my next step.

 God rewrote the text of my life when I opened the book of my heart to His eyes.”

Psalm 18:20-24 (Message)

Five Minute Friday (#FMFparty) gives writers a word prompt. We are encouraged to write whatever comes to mind about that word in just five minutes (although, I always go longer because FMF fuels that spark in me to write).  No editing, no perfection, only writing from the heart.  To find out more, visit http://fiveminutefriday.com/.  This week's word is "NEED".

Try: The Enemy of Do (#fmfparty)

After everyone went to bed last night, I sat down to write this week's FMF* on the word "try" when I got distracted by an email that my friend sent me which contained a link to a song called Settle Me Now.

As I listened to the song, I couldn't help but draw the connections between different "themes" that God has been weaving lately. The song coincides with the angst that I feel as I ponder the word "try". Am not sure if this will make any sense to anyone else but me, but here's my take on "try" anyway:


Sometimes try is the enemy of do.

When we say that we'll try something, there is hesitancy, unsurety, skepticism, and timid belief.

When we say we'll do something, there is confidence, surety, belief, commitment, and loyalty. It's going a step further than trying. "Doing" assumes that God will equip you to do whatever He puts in your path, that He will give what is needed in that moment to not just try something but to do it.

Try sometimes implies a one-shot, carefree effort. If it works it works. If it doesn't, it doesn't...not a big deal. It means no commitment, no staying-power, and surface relationships only.

Do implies seeing something through to the end. It means wholeheartedly investing yourself (not just a talent or skill) into something to ensure that it is a success. It means intentional commitment, vulnerability, and relationship.

Maybe the difference between try and do is simply a matter of semantics and personal meaning. Either way, I spend a lot of my life "trying" things. And it's great to try things because you learn about what you like and don't like and what you're good at and what you stink at with no strings attached. But there comes a point when trying silently becomes a cover-up for fear and discontent. 

Sometimes, trying can keep us on the run so we never really have to settle down nor do we have to lend time to cultivating things that we are capable of doing and are even called to do. Trying opens the door to the kind of busyness that lets us hide the fact that we are stuck in a endless cycle of striving, proving, or performance. Trying requires less patience and waiting that the commitment of doing requires. And trying breeds a spirit of discontent where we are always waiting for the right thing, the big thing, the best thing, the once-in-a-lifetime thing to come along that we become blinded to all that is sitting right in front of us.

It's time to stop trying and to start doing...to claim the things that I know are true, to step out in surety that God is leading the way, and to settle down long enough (in mind, body, and spirit) to let God work both in me and through me. Can't help but wonder what a difference it would make to my family and friends (and yes, even my church) if I stopped trying and started doing and in doing, give them something that is more substantial, meaningful, and life-giving than a "leaky, rusted-out bucket" (see Haggai 1:5-7 below).

"And then a little later, God-of-the-Angel-Armies spoke out again: “Take a good, hard look at your life. Think it over. You have spent a lot of money, but you haven’t much to show for it. You keep filling your plates, but you never get filled up. You keep drinking and drinking and drinking, but you’re always thirsty. You put on layer after layer of clothes, but you can’t get warm. And the people who work for you, what are they getting out of it? Not much—a leaky, rusted-out bucket, that’s what. That’s why God-of-the-Angel-Armies said: “Take a good, hard look at your life. Think it over.” Haggai 1:5-7

"Be still and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10

*Five Minute Friday (#FMFparty) gives writers a word prompt. We are encouraged to write whatever comes to mind about that word in just five minutes.  No editing, no perfection, only writing from the heart.  To find out more, visit http://katemotaung.com/five-minute-friday/.  This week's word is "TRY".

Futile Google Search

The other day I googled "living with a deaf family member" in attempt to find something that would tell me how I'm supposed to deal with all the mixed emotions that come with watching a family member lose their hearing. There is a lot of surface "how-to's" that talk about caring for a deaf person, but nothing that delves into the emotions of it and how it affects the entire family. I want to know someone else has been there and survived, and I want to know how you navigate the changing landscape. How do you move beyond the big elephant in the room that everyone keeps dancing around and pretending doesn't exist? I don't know! And probably most of these answers will come day by day as we walk this journey alongside this family member.

Five years ago, my sister was diagnosed with NF2 which is a disease where benign tumors grow along the nerves of the brain and spine. As they grow, the tumors rob the nerve they are wrapped around of that body function. Most NF2'ers end up deaf, paralyzed, blind, dead. There isn't a cure for NF2, removed tumors can grow back, and the doctors tend to leave the tumors untouched until they start causing noticeable side-effects. In some ways, my sister is a miracle because she had a normal childhood and her diagnosis wasn't made until she was 30 as her symptoms progressed.

During my sister's second surgery, the doctors cut her auditory nerve in order to remove a tumor that was wrapped around it which meant that she would no longer be able to hear from that ear ever again. It's been several years and we've watched her adjust to living with one hearing ear (which functions at less than half of its hearing capacity). Over time, the struggle to adjust between living in the hearing world and living in the deaf world became apparent. We've been told it's a matter of time before she loses complete hearing in her good ear. Because the auditory nerves will be severed, there is no way she can use a cochlear implant--it's just pure silence (minus the incessant ringing in her ears). And I think the doctors are right as it seems like her hearing is diminishing at a rapid pace. I've seen so many changes in her hearing over the past four months that I feel like I don't know what to say or do (and there's nothing really that I can say or do because I'm powerless to do anything to stop it).

I always thought I would have time to learn sign language. But it's been two years since the first family sign language class and I've yet to attend a second class. I quit after the first class because I refused to believe that my sister would ever become deaf. I didn't want her to become deaf and I didn't want to see her embracing it for it meant it was real and it was inevitable. I couldn't handle it emotionally and thought I would have plenty of time to learn sign language. And I mistakenly thought I could just learn it when it was time and that God would somehow instantly let me know it (yeah, right!!). But that time is ever close and all I can do is finger-spell.

I see changes in my sister that scare me for I know her world has changed and is still changing upside down. I don't know how you live every day knowing you have literally "too many tumors to count". I don't know how you live every day with constant ringing in your ears without losing your mind!  And I don't know how isolating it is to not fit in the hearing world and to not fit in the deaf world because you're neither hearing or deaf...you're somewhere in between. At church, she can't understand the sermons and prayers of the hearing church nor can she fully understand the sermons/prayers of a signing church. 

It still breaks my heart when I see people try to talk to her and she has no idea that they are talking to her from the cashiers to customers to salespeople to family. It makes me sad when she gets that lost look in her eyes in the middle of a family conversation because she's trying hard to keep up but can't. And my heart just goes out to her when she thinks she's heard something and it was not what was said at all and she then starts talking about something totally unrelated to the conversation. No one knows what to say and there is awkward silence as eyes dart around trying to figure out what to say next and she can tell from everyone's faces that she got it wrong.

I've watched friends and even family distance themselves from her because they don't know how to communicate with her. And there have been days when I've done the same thing because I'm afraid that if I could say what I really wanted to say, it would make us all cry (or even scream, "It isn't fair!!"). I just want to protect my little sister and make everything all better for her, but I can't. It still scares me to think about what it's going to be like when she can't hear us at all, when she can't hear ANYTHING at all. How do you go from a life of hearing everything to a life of hearing nothing?

And then God reminds me of some incredible ladies that I've met over the past couple years in the homeschooling world who are deaf. They have shown me that they are every bit daughters of Christ, full of life and potential, as they impact their world in so many ways for Christ. They are strong, awesome moms who know how to rise above their limitations. They don't let deafness stop them nor does their deafness define them. They roll with the punches and have embraced the life that God has given them. They pull together in the discouraging times and have created a community of love and support so they are not alone. This is what I hope and pray for my sister! It wasn't a coincidence at all that over three years ago at our first homeschool support group meeting, a beautiful, vivacious mom walked in and explained that she was deaf and her battery on her cochlear implant was about to die. She left me sitting there dumbfounded. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry, for the timing of our meeting was so God-ordained. God knew I needed her to show me that life still goes on, hearing or not. And God knew that my sister needed her for she has taught my sister everything she knows about signing and assimilating into the deaf culture.

Maybe instead of googling "living with a deaf family member", reflecting on the verse that has defined my sister's NF2 journey would be more beneficial. "Come and see the works of God; He is awesome in His doing toward the sons of men." Psalm 66:5. God has provided for her (down to frog-buttoned pjs for her brain surgery) and continues to perform little miracles along the way as shown on every MRI and doctor's visit. It's never easy watching those you love suffer, but maybe it'd do us some good if we observed those who are suffering and see how they have the faith to keep going day after day when the prognosis never changes. And maybe rather than wallow in the overwhelming emotions of it all, we need to make ourselves "Come and see the works of God" regardless of our feelings. For it is when my focus is directed back on God that I remember His goodness, His hope, and His power to heal. 

Hide // Five Minute Friday

Five Minute Friday (#FMFparty) gives writers a word prompt. We are encouraged to write whatever comes to mind about that word in just five minutes.  No editing, no perfection, only writing from the heart.  To find out more, visit http://katemotaung.com/five-minute-friday/.

According to Merriam-Webster, "hide" means "to put out of sight; to conceal for shelter or protection; to keep secret; to screen from or as if from view; or to turn away in shame or anger."

It's a word that I know very well because I've spent most of my life hiding who I am in order to be what everyone wanted me to be so that I would be loved and accepted.

• I've spent my life hiding under the guise of perfection--crafting everything just so, practicing until I had nothing left, writing, rewriting and writing some more until the perfect words were on the paper, working long hours and giving not just 110% but 120%, doing whatever it took to to achieve whatever I thought would bring love and acceptance.
• I've spent my life hiding under the guise of doing--being so busy that I bury myself under what I do, finding my worth in what I produce and achieve so that the more I do, the more worthy I am, working so hard so I don't have to think or change or address the things that need working on. It's easier to do something other than unearth those dark hurting places in my heart that just want to be left alone.
• I've spent my life hiding under the guise of independence--trying so hard not to need people who only love when love is convenient, fighting back tears when they threaten to spill because I want to be strong, wrestling with God to give every.single.thing to Him because I know if I keep it, I can hide behind an illusion of control that feels safer than trusting Him completely. 

Hiding has gotten me no where. Instead, hiding leaves me stuck in the same places. Hiding robs relationships. Hiding hinders self-confidence. Hiding prevents God from restoring our lives. Hiding keeps us in darkness. 

But no more!

When God's light finally reaches the dark places, hiding is no longer possible because those dark places begin to long for more light. Light brings warmth to places that were once cold. It thaws out frozen hearts of hurt and pain, and light exposes areas that need a healing touch that no one but God would ever understand. God's rays of light reach those deep places that crave unconditional love, acceptance, and approval and leave me knowing without a doubt that I can't go back. The only way to live is in the Light. Today, the only place I want to hide is in the shadow of God's wings. 

"Keep me as the apple of Your eye; Hide me under the shadow of Your wings."  Psalm 17:8

~Sorry, that was more 9 minutes instead of 5...was on a roll!  ;) ~

So Why Can't I?

A few weeks ago, I began wondering why this person can take a vacation and not have to check in but I feel like I have to all the time.  Then I was wondering how that person could leave everything behind to have a spur-the-moment family day and not think twice about skipping out on a meeting.  Then I got to wondering why could another person have all that time with their children but then I keep getting asked to squeeze more into my packed schedule.  And I wondered, "When does it stop?  Why can't I go on vacation and leave everything behind?  Why can't I take family days and turn off my phone/email?  Why can't I say I no to activities when my calendar is bursting at the seams?" And then it hit me, I can!!!! 

When I honestly answer the "Why can't I?" question, I see what is at the root of it.  From there, I can make the necessary changes to live out the answer to that question. My "Why can't I?" answers lie in self-imposed busyness, the inability to say no, and the fear of failure, fear of disapproval, and the fear of missing out on opportunities. And when you line that up with God and His Word, it becomes so obvious where I'm missing the mark once again.  And I see where I desperately need God to infuse every single step, every single word, every single thought!  (See Phil. 4:5, Ecc. 3:1, Heb. 3:13, Gal. 1:10, Matt. 6:24, I John 4:18.)

One thing that I've been understanding lately is that we teach others how to treat us.  And in that, I've been discovering that no one is going to outright give me permission to take a break. No one is going to stand there and make me take time for myself and for my family. And generally the same people that are quick to tell me that I need to slow down and put my family first are the ones that have no shame in throwing more on me.  And, they are the ones that know how and when to call in a break for themselves without guilt and without the need to check in. Hmmmmmm...it really makes one stop and analyze what's going on and why.  In retrospect, people keep asking me to do things because I always say yes. They keep giving because I keep taking. And they keep offering because I keep doing regardless of cost. Frankly, I'm a quick, definite yes!

However, there is nothing wrong at all with people asking me to do things.  There are definitely things I want to do and love doing and would never even know about if I wasn't asked!  But there comes a point when it's time to grow up and realize that I am the only one responsible for my yeses and nos. I am the one responsible for setting my limits and boundaries. These things just don't happen without my intentional intervention. And I have to understand that life is a marathon, not a sprint.  It's a journey, not a destination, and just insert what other cliche fits here.

There truly is merit to pacing ourselves. I'm always eager to jump into everything with both feet and give 100%, but I'm discovering that it's okay to enter into things slowly. We have to pace ourselves because when we run at full speed ahead, we easily run over God without meaning to. When we constantly say yes without thinking about it, we are saying no to the God-ordained pace for our lives. And when we say no to God's pace for our lives, it's where we find that we are living out of ourselves instead in Christ. It's where we find ourselves striving so hard to fulfill everyone's expectations (including our own) that we project those expectations as coming from God when in reality, He never once asked for our striving. It's where we follow our plans and hopes for each day rather than take time to seek God for what He wants us to accomplish each day. That's where we're getting it wrong. 

Great freedom comes from living out of the "I can!" answer to the "Why can't I?" question when the "I can" is rooted in our view of God and His plan and pace for our lives. 

The Desert Times

"Is this the emotional me or the Spirit-seeking me?" Such a thought-provoking question from a cherished friend!  It's one I've been asking myself over the past month as we have been faced with unexpected challenges in keeping our severely allergic child safe at church.  It has woken our family up and jolted us into action in such a way that I can't help but wonder if this is God's way of moving us a step closer to His plan. 

Life has changed so much for us over the past six months after I experienced true ministry burn out and dealt with my mom's, sister's and even my own health crises.  I have wandered so far into the desert at times that I didn't know if I could cry out to God one more time only to hear complete and utter silence, an echo of nothingness.  But through the silence, questions, heart aches and tears, I had to chose to trust that He was there if nothing else.

The desert is lined with moments where I couldn't trust any more and moments where quite a battle was fought for trust and the victory was sweet.  And the desert is where I needed to go so that I could begin to strip everything of me away in order to discover who God truly is.  The desert is where I've been the weakest, but the desert is also where I've been the strongest.   

Though I'm still wandering through that desert, there is new-found purpose with each step...a purpose that comes from being alone in the desert long enough to taste surrender, hope and renewed vision.  The sun is shining brighter and the journey is more tolerable because my will to fight is gone.  In place of the fight comes a renewed sense of conviction, a new sense of boldness and the continuing urgency to make tough, life-altering decisions that keep our family growing instead of dying (haha...literally not just spiritually).  God has been showing us as a family what hills to stand on and which ones to die on--what is most important and what is trivial in the light of the Kingdom.

There is a distinct reason why Joshua 1:9 kept appearing in the randomest of places around town or nearly every time I logged on to Facebook or hotmail or turned on the radio!

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”

The latest verse that is now before me nearly every time I turn around is Isaiah 43:18-19 (one of my favorites!):

“Do not remember the former things, nor consider the things of old.  Behold, I will do a new thing, now it shall spring forth; Shall you not know it?  I will even make a road in the wilderness and rivers in the desert."

There is a distinct reason why God is leading me (and my family) to the rivers after all of this time of wandering.  The beauty and depth of each river reminds us of His provision and care.  The river's peaceful flow urges us press on yet in God's strength.  The river offers a quiet place to rest after such a weary journey.  And the river promises us continued life, passion and ministry...all has not been snuffed out because we are stuck in this desert place. 

And, as I keep wandering in the desert and consciously choosing to trust, the faint outline of a road begins to appear.  I see it on the horizon but it's not yet my time to journey down that road.  Until that road is within reach, I will choose to keep wandering because I know what God has done, can do and wants to do.  I will choose to enjoy the scenery and unexpected blessings of being in the moment so that I can keep sharing God's love in the most unusual or creative or most mundane of ways (don't even ask...it's been crazy but amazing).  And I will choose to stay open to the people God keeps placing in our path as we are finding ourselves surrounded by more people in the desert than we ever found in plenty. 

Maybe running into these safety roadblocks at church and having to make decisions for the safety of our child is the Spirit giving us the courage to do what is right and to do what He has prepared for us as a family and as individuals.  I have no clue where God is leading or what He is doing, but I know that this time in the desert is preparation and rest for that road in the wilderness.  I see the Spirit most clearly here because the emotions are being sifted and rooted out to where I'm finally to the place where I am thankful for this journey in the desert! 

Turning Weakness Into Strength

There have been moments this school year that I feel like I truly cannot get my act together.  It's not the curriculum.  It's not my child.  It's me!  I find myself demanding perfection from my child, getting upset with him when he wants to goof off during school, and just expecting him to maintain these impossibly high standards.  I find myself reacting to him as I react to the stress of this new and unpredictable season of life that I have no clue what to do with. 

Our days start off well and centered around the Word.  But as the hours creep on and I see all the chores that aren't getting done around the house or all the things that I'm missing out on or could be doing, I begin to rush my child and his learning so I can "get on with life".

I have been in tears several times this past week over how many times I've told my child, "Hurry up!"  "Come on, you need to focus and hurry and get this done so we can get our other things done!"  There is this spirit of impatience that has permeated our education lately and I hate it.  There have been moments where I've cried out to God wondering if I'm doing more harm to my child by having him next to me as I go through this personal wilderness rather than sending him off to school for someone else to teach him (forgetting the fact that they might be in their own wilderness as well). 

As I stop to reflect on what's going wrong and why I can't get it together, I notice where my daily time with God is being rushed, too.  I notice where it's easier to breathe prayers as I rush about trying to catch up on everything after 2 1/2 months of sickness rather than take the time to sit and enjoy being in the presence of God.  I also notice where I've become sucked into this vaccum of myself as I've lost sight of God's purpose for my life after being bombarded with sickness.   Everything that has been comfortable and familiar to me is gone, including that security that comes from having great health that you don't realize you're banking on until it's taken away. 

But thankfully, I'm starting realize that I don't have to be a slave to my circumstances nor my runaway thoughts!  It doesn't have to stay this way! A change of focus is much needed.  It's not a coincidence that nearly every time I log onto Facebook or turn on the radio or do family devotions (which we've been focusing on courage via Character Trails by Character Concepts these past 3 weeks), Joshua 1:9 is being quoted. 

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go."

I've let the dismay or discouragement of being stuck in this season of sickness drive me farther and farther into the desert.  I feel like there are days when I'm wandering around aimlessly missing a life that was once mine but still wanting to cling to the fact that God has a distinct plan for my life.  It becomes all too easy to take it all out on those I love the most and in the process, damage relationships that were once flourishing.

Joshua 1:9 powerfully reminds me that God has called us out of that place of weakness.  For when God is right next to us, we have no excuse for weakness because He is completely opposite of weakness!

Being strong and of good courage means being strong in all areas--mind, body and soul.  It means facing the unknown with the security that God is with me regardless of life circumstances.  And it means thoughtfully responding to life or to my child (aka strength) rather than reacting to life or my child (aka weakness).

There is so much to lose, including harmony in the home and harmony in our homeschool when this mama is acting from the place of fear or discouragement.  Yet there is much to gain when this mama claims Joshua 1:9.  May I let the truths of this verse infiltrate my mind and soul so that I may become strong once again during this unknown season of life.

Unpredictability & Callings

It seems like with every day of homeschooling, we are slipping farther and farther away from my picture of what homeschooling should look like.  I'm also coming to the conclusion that every year is different from the previous year which leaves room for major unpredictability!

I feel like I'm tweaking so much with Sonlight Core B and Sonlight's Language Arts 1 as we naturally speed up in some areas and slow down in others.  The neat, orderly Instructor's Guide that I lived by last year has already become a jumbled mess this year as the days, weeks and pages no longer coordinate with each other as we jump around (yes, I'm Type A to the core).  And then, I hear this tiny voice in the background saying, "Welcome to homeschooling!"  Everything I read about in blogs last year, I was like, "Oh, I'm glad that's not us!" or "They must not be doing something right if they are having those problems."  Oh man, little did I know that would soon be me and now I'm feverishly running back to those blogs searching for answers! ;) 

Last year, our homeschool worked like clockwork. For the most part, my child was very compliant and excited about school.  Yet this year, a month into our school year, and we've yet to have a "normal" school week, much less school day.  My child is compliant when he wants to be, but it's not been without a power struggle despite our classroom rules and consequences.

Today was the never-ending school day as we just couldn't get our act together.  I'm feeling the pressure of deadlines and other things outside of our school life as I try to pick some ministry-related things back up.  The juggling act is starting up once again as I'm feeling the pull between home and ministry.  I want to be focused on homeschooling yet my mind is in a constant whirl with thinking, planning, writing and prepping for some ministry events ahead. 

Each day that I say "yes" to something outside of our homeschool realm, the more I feel the pull and struggle to stay focused here at home. That translates into a rushed school day where we get school done to get it done rather than slow down and enjoy the learning process.  Needless to say, that easily fuels power struggles and impatience.  ...Not a place I want to go back to! 

Yet at the same time, I keep asking "What about the call to lay ministry and local missions that God put on my heart all of these years?"  What do I do when I see that God wants me here at home to disciple and educate my child more than He wants me serving the local church?  I've tried hard to mix the two but both are full-time callings and I'm only one person with limitations.  Yet every day as my strength and health improve, I try to pick back up the old things only to realize all over again that that season has passed.  It's bittersweet.  Some days, that fact brings tears as I feel a grieving period for what once was.  And other days, it brings much joy because I'm finally beginning to accept that God wants me at home for a season.  I keep wrestling over the big question of "Who am I after I lay down that call to ministry for a season?"   

Despite the fact that I really don't know the answer to that, God keeps using the unpredictability of this school year to show me that there is more to His calling than the church.  I've been living life in one way through one channel for so long that I've never considered any other possibilities.  What if being wife and mom is the highest calling of them all?  What if it requires more to disciple my child than it does to disciple others?  What if it means altering everything including my educational ideals for my child in order to focus on the things that really matter long after the textbooks have come and gone? 

So far this year, the days that we have enjoyed the most were the days when our curriculum challenged our thinking and prompted conversations with my first grader that went way beyond education.  There have been days when I couldn't push reading and math anymore because there were basic character issues and heart issues that needed to be addressed.  Sometimes, these character and heart issues are more of a hindrance to learning than anything else.  I refuse to keep putting on temporary band-aids in order to check off a box in our Instructor's Guide because the boxes will always be there to check off, but this teachable, pliable moment with my child might not be. 

As I wish God would make it ever-so-clear to me what my calling is, I'm seeing that He has already made it clear and is continuing to make it clear in spite of my questions and hesitations.  As scary as unpredictability is, it is where I see the beauty and blessings of life the most.  It's where God is working.  And, it feels like home to me...literally and figuratively.

Defining My Reality

I had one of those pleading, tearful, little girl, whiney "God, what in the world do You want me to do?" type of prayers last night with regards to where He wants me.  It's a prayer that follows God's previous answer of "it's not the about the answer, but the process."  However, in my mind, the process has gone on long enough and I'm worn out from dealing with the criticism and opposition and wondering how much more I have to endure. 

A few minutes after that prayer, God answered with a response that silenced the questions!  God impressed upon me that until I can even attempt at doing what He outlined for me in Psalm 112:5-9 (The Message), I'm in no position to make a decision about what He wants me to do! 

"The good person is generous and lends lavishly; no shuffling or stumbling around for this one, but a sterling and solid and lasting reputation.  Unfazed by rumor and gossip, heart ready, trusting in God, Spirit firm, unperturbed, ever blessed, relaxed among enemies, they lavish gifts on the poor--a generosity that goes on and on and on.  And honored life!  A beautiful life!"

Unfazed, trusting, unperturbed, relaxed among enemies??????  Yeah, right!!!!!  That's the last thing I am!!  My initial thoughts are that it's totally impossible and I can think of 101 excuses why.  But, it all comes down to basic faith--do I trust God or not?

• Do I trust God to grow me in such a way that I can live a beautiful life that speaks of Him?  
• Can I let go and let God take me to the place where I'm unperturbed (aka unruffled, unworried, undisturbed)?  
• Can I open my arms wide enough to my Father so He can love through me to the point where I can sit relaxed among my enemies, secure in who I am in Christ, so that I may see their soul instead of all the wounds they caused? 
• Can I get to a place where His voice is the only one that matters so that I may be unfazed by what others say (good or bad)?  
• What needs to happen to make my heart ready so that out of it only comes right living and right speech (Prov. 4:23)? 
• And how can I be a better steward of all that God has given me so that I can continue pouring out on others? 

No wonder God answered as He did!  There is some aligning that needs to happen!  And I have no doubts that by the end of this journey, I will know exactly what God wants me to do!  Awesome!

p.s. 

From Ron Edmondson, Pastor and Christian Leadership Guru:

"We can miss the blessings God is providing by focusing on the distractions of a few critics we may never please…regardless of what we do." 

"Everything can be going according to plan. God can be working in your life, but the critic can destroy your perception of reality." 

Not About the Answer but the Process

"Whenever, though, they turn to face God as Moses did, God removes the veil and there they are--face-to-face!  They suddenly recognize that God is a living, personal presence, not a piece of chiseled stone.  And when God is personally present, a living Spirit, that old, constricting legislation is recognized as obsolete.  We're free of it!  All of us!  Nothing between us and God, our faces shining with the brightness of His face.  And so we are transfigured much like the Messiah, our lives gradually becoming brighter and more beautiful as God enters our lives and we become more like Him."  II Cor. 3:16-18 (MSG)

Decisions and changes face me once again.  With these decisions come so many questions and very few answers.  The longer I go without direction and a concrete "I know this is exactly what God wants me to do" type of answer, the more impatience and frustration grow and the more persistent I become in demanding an answer.  I know God doesn't work that way nor does He cater to our demands.  I'm constantly reminded of Acts 17:24-25 and how God doesn't need us and then of Jeremiah 1:4-9 and how God has a plan for my life.  Despite what I know, this inner battle between "needing" answers versus faith always escalates until suddenly, everything stops as God speaks loud and clear once again:  will I let go of the timing, the plans, the details, the what-ifs, the fears in order to trust Him?  He's not asking me to do anything, be anything or accomplish anything...He's simply asking me to trust Him.

Even though I still lack "the answer" and have some hesitations, I keep getting the same response from God.  "Be still.  It's not about the answer right now, it's about the process."  It's about learning to be patient enough to seek Him instead of forge ahead with this decision and hope that He'll throw up huge red flags to tell me "no" if "yes" isn't the right answer.  It's about taking time to let the process run its course, about slowing down long enough to enjoy all the little discoveries along the way.

Last night, I ran across II Corinthians 3:16-18 and it showed me why God hasn't given me answers but rather many awesome discoveries.  These discoveries are not only laying a foundation for what lies ahead, but they are allowing me to experience the "living, personal presence" of God and see the work of His Spirit in a way I never have before.  Between coaching, mentoring, sweet friendships and the all the lessons God has been teaching me over the past year, everything is starting to really come together in powerful ways that allow me to see and experience God anew.

Through this process of seeking Him and only Him, I see how He is transforming my life, my attitudes and maturing my desires.  I'm seeing more of who He is and gaining a deeper understanding of what ministry is about.  I've also seen that it's not that I've had it wrong all of these years, but rather I've been living out the understanding I've had of Christ and of ministry at that time.  There is a constant progression from where I was 13 years ago when I first started getting my feet wet in church ministry to today but it totally corresponds to my relationship (and mainly, abiding time) with God.  As our understanding and relationship with God grow, the way we think, behave and lead follows suit.  And if it doesn't, I'm really seeing that it always traces back to to a lack of a consistent relationship with God. 

We can't be in God's presence without it affecting us ... "our lives gradually become brighter and more beautiful as God enters our lives and we become more like Him."  Because of that, I want to let go of all the questions and this quest for direction in exchange for His presence.  And I love the fact that that is enough! 


(lol...okay, Luann...I know this is something you've challenged me with several times over the past year--to stop seeking and just be in His presence....I finally understood what you were getting at!  Thank you!!) 

Beating Down Closed Doors

Tonight is one of those nights when I wake up and suddenly realize where I'm at.  I'm standing here knocking once again on a tightly closed door.  It's a door that has been closed for awhile.  However, I find myself cycling back around, knocking once again, just hoping someone will answer because I believe that what is behind this door is helpful, inspiring, exciting and filled with new opportunities to serve God. 

But as I stand outside this door, I peer through the window and see things going on behind the door that make me question, make me hesitate and make me wonder if it's where God can use me best.  I feel unrest, confusion and frustration every time I get a glimpse of what is behind that door.  Yet, I still stand here...knocking, hoping and watching many others walk right through this door as it's wide open to them.

There comes a point when I have to wonder how many times a person can knock on a door and it still remains closed.  Common sense would say to move on...that this isn't my door.  Yet, my feet are still here and my hand is still reaching up to knock thinking that what is behind this door somehow holds the answer to what God wants me to do. 

Yet, on the outside of this door as I watch others walking through it tonight, it suddenly hits me...what am I still doing here???  Why am I knocking on this closed door again?  When will I get a clue that this isn't my door?  When will I understand that God has something different for me?  When will I stop knocking and start trusting...trusting that I don't need this door to fulfill God's plan for my life?  What if this door is meant to steer me into something more, something tailor-made that doesn't fit the mold (kind of like everything else God has done for me)?  And, when did I even start caring about fitting the mold anyway? 

Yet I'm still here, still knocking, still hesitant to fully embrace all that God has outside that door; hesitant to take the first steps away because I know what it will cost.  I stand here still scared to let this door go because I think I "need" it when in reality I need God waaaaay more than I will ever need this door.  The door makes sense, it's logical and I know what's behind that door--it's familiar and safe and I know I can navigate it...it's everything opposite of following God. 

Yet, God doesn't need opened and closed doors...He just needs people who are willing to turn their backs on these doors and simply follow Him.  Can I stop knocking long enough in order to let go and simply and blindly follow Him? 

Choices @ the Crossroad

Have there ever been moments in your life when you find yourself wondering how in the world you got things so wrong?  Or, you had promise and potential yet somewhere along the line, as you listened to others, you lost your ability to follow God on your own?  Or, you had an initial vision and goals yet they fell by the wayside as details and challenges clouded your view?  Or, you were on the right track and later experienced a couple failures and though long gone, they still keep you trapped in discouragement and defeat?  Or, you find yourself caving under all the stress and pressure only to realize that most of it is self-made and rooted in insecurity?  Or, you find that you've built this safe little life around the feel-good side of Christianity which keeps you from risking it all and believing it all? 

When you find yourself in those places, it's usually a wake-up call or it's where you call it quits.  It's a chance to reclaim God's promises and dare to go to the places He has set before you or it's a chance to hang on to what you know works and is safe thereby forfeiting serious Kingdom impact.  And regardless of what spot you find yourself in, you are at pure crossroads and a choice must be made.  Sure, you can work around making a choice as long as you can, but the longer you fight it, the heavier and more pressing it becomes.

You can only sweep so much under the carpet before it gets noticeably lumpy.  You can only stuff so much into the closet before the door won't shut tight any more.  And you can say you're "fine" as much as you want but the weight on your shoulders, shallow smile and pensive stares betray you. 

The only way through is to make a choice.

What will it be? 

"And Israel, who seemed so interested in reading and talking about what God was doing, missed it. How could they miss it? Because instead of trusting God, they took over. They were absorbed in what they themselves were doing. They were so absorbed in their "God projects" that they didn't notice God right in front of them, like a huge rock in the middle of the road. And so they stumbled into him and went sprawling." ~Romans 9:31-32 (Message)

Man's or God's? You pick!

"And now I say to you, keep away from these men and let them alone; for if this plan or this work is of men, it will come to nothing; but if it is of God, you cannot overthrow it--lest you even be found to fight against God."  Acts 5:38-39   The Message translation says, "...If this program or this work is merely human, it will fall apart, but if it is of God, there is nothing you can do about it--you better not be found fighting against God."

This verse jumped out at me a few months ago as I was torn between two different paths to take with myMISSION.  Do we wait around for things to happen and wait for others to catch up or do we forge our own path, leaving behind what many (including myself) wanted to see happen and go a little independent of organizational structure?

There was so much confusion, apprehension and inner turmoil over what was supposed to have been the logical direction to take and one that I thought would totally benefit both the organization and myMISSION PIEDMONT.  During this time, God also brought I Corinthians 14:33 to mind:  "For God is not the author of confusion but of peace...."

These two verses were instrumental in getting me to stop and take a breath.  Confusion was becoming my constant state of life that distracted me from what God called me to do.  And honestly, nothing productive came from that time (both personally and in ministry), and it's time we'll never get back. 

These verses forced me to make decisions that were hard to make and even harder to let go of (and I’m still working through that).  These verses also reminded me that myMISSION PIEDMONT is God's work, not mine and not the leadership team’s.  When I am in sync with God and when the leadership team is in sync with God, myMISSION is inevitably in sync with God, too, because our leadership and decisions are rooted in Him, not in ourselves and in our own ideas. 

Being a leader is a scary responsibility.  One careless, thoughtless, selfish decision/word/action can ruin our ministry and influence in an instant (sorry, but it's the hard truth)!  Leadership requires being mindful that a decision isn't just a decision and the impact of it can be far-reaching.  It’s hard to be mindful in the busyness, planning and relationship building that naturally come with a leadership role. 

If you look at Acts 5:38-39 in relation to your ministry, I'm sure you can think of moments when decisions were made from man (aka yourself) vs. made from God.  We can recall moments when we want to cringe because we know the motivation behind some decisions.  Yet, we can also recall many more moments when God flowed through and it was evident to all that He was in His work. 

These two verses challenge us to make sure that wherever God sends us, it is of Him and that it remains in Him.  When things start getting complicated and confusing, it's an indication that we need to stop and see where our focus is (and how close to being “overthrown” we are). 

When it's honestly God's work and when we can remove ourselves from it, God can work around man's roadblocks.  He changes a "no" into "yes" and opens closed doors according to what works best for His plan.  And, the best part is that He usually does it in the most roundabout, amazing and speechless ways that speak so loudly of Him that all the glory goes straight back to Him!  It's comforting and reassuring that this is His work and it will stand as long as He is in it!