The Ninja Turtle Mask Memory

Some memories will forever be etched into my mind.  These memories combine special moments with sadness, extreme empathy with tears, and despair with promises of a better tomorrow for we are not alone.

To have seen my child’s back unexpectedly explode in dots as he reacted to 16 of 20 environmental allergens in his skin test just days before Christmas sent me right back to the moment three years ago when we found out that he could potentially die if he ate another peanut.  A range of unexplainable emotions filled my heart as I saw my completely normal looking, happy-go-lucky, energetic little boy playing with his DS completely unaware of what was going on behind him.  How I wanted to hug away all the challenges that his future holds, the heartaches that will come as he experiences teasing, bullying and being selective in those he dates, and then all the hesitations I see him forming because he’s not sure if his allergies will keep him from doing something he really wants to do, again.  How I wanted to question God knowing that He can take all of this way, He can put our lives back into order and He can take this stress away.  Yet, I couldn't fully question because I know He has a distinct path for my son and our family to follow, so I found a way to trustfully question.

As much as I want to have my tantrum, I have to stop and remind myself of all the blessings that have come with all of NoNut’s allergies, of all the things that his allergies have taught us and the ways that his allergies have opened our eyes to others who struggle with things they cannot change.  It’s taught me that life isn’t always served on a silver platter like I’m used to--it’s all too real when it’s your own flesh and blood rather than a shared prayer request by someone in church.  But, his allergies have also taught me that there are moments when all we can do is cry and it’s really okay to do that.  There are moments that we will be upset.  And there are moments that we don’t know how we’re going handle these new challenges, but somehow, we simply know that God is going to help us through it even if it's one day at a time. 

I will never forget the Ninja Turtle moment we had this morning in our driveway.  We had another situation where NoNut left his epipens in the car and they were a chunk of ice when we found them this morning.  This meant that NoNut would have to help pay for the new set of epipens as a consequence. (Don’t worry, we have spare pairs scattered around the house but needed another pair for our upcoming vacation!)   It pained me to have to follow through with this consequence as I know how hard he's been trying to save his money.  I was soooo torn between the motherly instinct of protecting my son and being his care taker versus showing him tough love by following through with the named consequence knowing it would be another tool in helping him learn (the hard way) that he has to own his allergy.

When I walked out to the car, NoNut was sitting in his car seat with his Ninja Turtle shell and mask on with knowing eyes that would not meet mine.   The verse I read moments before came to mind, “Words kill, words give life; they’re either poison or fruit—you choose!”  Proverbs 18:21 (MSG)  How I responded was going to make a big difference as to how teachable this moment would be.

As I counted NoNut’s Christmas money that went from his bank to my purse for the new epipens, he lowered his Ninja Turtle mask over his face to hide his emotion.  Yet, the mask failed to hide tears in the corners of his eyes.  As he looked at me, all I saw was this enormous green face w/a chintzy white smile yet sad little eyes filled with as much emotion as I had last week as I saw his back after the skin test. 

These little eyes were filled with a weight that is much too big for any child to carry.  His eyes pleaded for me not to take his money yet turned into eyes that were defeated and lost.  How my heart broke and tears instantly flowed.  All I could do was sink down onto the van floor and just hold my little boy and whisper reassurances to him through the tears and pray the “God, I don’t know how to do this” prayer with my arms tightly wrapped around my child, rocking him as our tears fell in unison.  Though he had that tough Ninja Turtle exterior, my little boy was crumbling on the inside more than I ever knew he was.

He has been through a lot the past few months.  NoNut lost a lot of security when he faced the nut situations at one of the places he never questioned, church!  He’s seen the cost of being different in a place where all should be accepted.  He has heard adults say things about him and to him that made him feel like it’s his fault for having allergies as if he should somehow be able to help it.  He’s been accidentally offered unsafe things by people he trusted.  And he’s been given more Christmas candy that he couldn’t eat and has had to say “no thank you” more times this season than he’s ever wanted to. 

How do I explain to a six year old that God gave him his allergies for a purpose?  How do I explain all the ways God has already used my child’s allergies for His good?  How do I explain to him the dangers of letting our guard down or staying silent when we should say something?  How do I let him be a normal kid when there are a couple things about him that set him apart?  How do I even raise a child with 28 different allergies (food and environmental) and not cave under all the stress that comes with it?  How do I advocate for my child and teach him to advocate for himself as well?  How do I protect him while letting him go all at the same time?  Most importantly, how do I let this little boy know that he is soooo incredibly loved and cherished, that he is a miracle and a true gift from God and that his allergies don’t change who he is regardless of what others say?   

The Ninja Turtle mask can hide everything but the tears, the love, the hugs and the sweet assurances that even though we really don’t know how to walk this path, we will walk it with each other with God next to our side.  Such a big burden for a little child and such heaviness for this weary mom who is overwhelmed by life’s curve balls as I see more of his test results and realize all over again the severity of his allergies.  But the Ninja Turtle mask memory is such a sweet memory as mother and son connect with each other's heart and minister to each other in a way that most will never get to experience.  Like all the other allergy tests and results, we will adjust and we will keep finding creative alternatives and we will trust, for that is the only thing we can do.  Can't imagine living this kind of allergy life without God walking it with us!

Santa vs. No Santa...The Debate Continues

I've tried to remain quiet on the Santa debate all season long, but I can't stay quiet on it any longer.  I've seen too many moms in a quandary over Santa.  This year, there have been a lot of Facebook posts and replies that share viewpoints that either take Bible verses out of context, create this false sense of spiritual superiority, or discredit the specialness of Christmas if Santa is in the picture that it's hard not to give a response.  So, I want to share an email I sent a friend this morning that shares our take on Santa as a way to encourage moms to keep doing what God is leading you to do, to do what works for your family and to not let anyone rob you of the joys and blessings that God has given us through these special moments with our family.

Time is fleeting!  Whether we believe in Santa or not shouldn't be the question.  Rather, it should be are we following God and seeking to honor Him in the best way for our family?  If so, carry on without reservation!  If not, examine what did and didn't work for your family this Christmas and experiment with some changes next year.  Either way, this post isn't to create debate, but rather encourage you to think about why you're doing what you're doing.  Is it for man or for God?  Therein lies your answer to the Santa debate! 


Hi Friend!

Saw your post about Santa and wanted to just share my thoughts if it's okay! This has definitely been a hot topic this year especially in homeschooling circles. After reading FB statuses and links, there were many times I was left feeling like I was not spiritual enough, misguiding my children and a liar thanks to all the people who posted their views about Santa and how "wrong" he is and how/why they don't do Santa w/their kids. It almost seemed like not believing in Santa was a badge of honor or a hallmark of Christianity. And for some on FB (which is impossible to judge tone and intent), it seemed like they came across as "we're better than you bcs we don't believe" including yesterday when a couple moms posted a link to all of these verses about false prophets and connecting Christmas w/the devil. I had to choose not to let it bother me because we did so many things season to celebrate Jesus's birthday. There's nothing I would have changed about what we did by removing something or adding more because we did what worked for us and in a way that we felt honored God.

When my son was little, we talked about whether or not to introduce Santa, but my husband and I both grew up with Santa and it's a fun tradition that both of our families did while still celebrating Christ's birth. To me, it never took away from the meaning of Christmas because my parents were so intentional about making it about Christ's birth the entire year/season, not just doing 1 or 2 Christ-centered activities on Christmas Day. It was like Santa was part of the birthday celebration like we give gifts to each other on our birthdays. It was never the main focus, but it WAS a part of our childhood and I don't feel like we were worse off because of it.

I found a Christmas kids book that talks about St. Nick and who he was and how he died and how the Santa tradition got started and then it leaves it up to the parent to decide if there's a Santa still today or not. Last year, my son thought he could just pray about his wish list bcs God would tell Santa what he wanted and Santa could deliver it. This year, my son was a bit confused about whether or not there was a real Santa, but we always came back to questioning if Santa (or any person) can really see if we're sleeping, awake, good or bad and tied it all in w/God's character. We've talked about how the real St. Nick is dead but we still carry on fun traditions that help us remember Christ's birth and remember each other and try to leave some surprises like the real St. Nick did.

In our Advent tree this year, we not only did a fun surprise (gift, Christmas activity/event, etc.), but I included a little slip of paper w/a gift for God that all of us had to seek to do every day. Wasn't sure if it was going to work and the response to it, but the second week into it, it was such a challenge to me and just another way to be intentional about Christmas. We had fun "writing" our own praise song to God as a family and singing it to Him, surprising each other w/a kind deed, adding something special to our prayers, etc.

I was surprised at how often my son would give that gift without any prompting from us because it was something he wanted to do for God! I learned some new things about my child in the process and how much he thinks about God but needs guidance and practical instruction to help him carry out his beliefs. He didn't realize he could sing his own praises to God and I didn't realize he got so frustrated over not remembering the words to the songs he was learning in church! To me, I thought that worship was a given/natural, but I'm really seeing where children need us to get back to the basics and teach them about worship rather than assume they know all of our Christian "jargon". To me, these moments of creativity or surprise or spontaneity of giving our gifts to God each day are what made Christmas for us! It was special on Christmas morning in the midst of opening up Santa's presents that my son stopped to thank us and thank God for the gifts and for "Jesus being born" because it was as if all the gift giving to God this season prepared him for Christmas day (if that makes sense).

I think about the stumbling block verses in the Bible and then the one where all things are lawful but not all things are profitable (I Cor. 10:23) and think about how only we know our hearts and families and see what's going on both day in and day out. What works for one family, may not work for the next. Maybe doing Santa is a stumbling block for some but on the flip side, all the posts against Santa are equally a stumbling block. Think at the root of it should be love, not judgment and we have seen way more judgment this year than in years past over Santa and Halloween/church fall festivals.  Maybe it comes w/the homeschooling territory, but I just keep coming back to the fact that God has guided us so many times in the past and that He'll give us that small gut feeling if we're not putting Him in His rightful position and need to make adjustments along the way. 

This Christmas really showed me that there is a way to do Santa while still honoring God (and not lying to your children) and making sure that God remains the focus! Kinda feel like if you're spiritually training your children all along, then celebrating Christmas shouldn't be an issue, that you'll know how to naturally talk about Christ's birth among all the fun traditions (take advantage of the teachable moments). And, one thing I discovered by looking at all the FB pictures is that most of the families who don't do Santa, still do some form of it whether it's just stockings or giving as many gifts as we gave our child--rather from the parents, not from Santa. Am seeing that it's all in the name and what you want to call it, not so much the gift-giving tradition itself. Interesting ...

While there is a ton of debate and many would debate what I just said, take it for what it's worth and enjoy the moments and lead your family how God is leading you and your husband. I've been blown away by just how conservative the homeschooling world is in some areas but not in others. It's like everything else...we've gotta put our blinders on and look to God only and know that no one else knows the inner workings of our own families like we (and God) do!

Life Goes On

Have often thought that I needed to post something over here, but I've been in a quiet, contemplative mood lately.  A lot has been going on in our life as we sift through things that have been constant and no longer are, work through emotions and feelings over tense situations, and prepare ourselves for whatever God has in store for us whether it's continuing in this season of sickness or being open to something completely different. 

There have been several key "themes" lately that have required more quiet mediation than online expression.  It's been hard to stay quiet at times and to work through the emotions and process these things on my own rather than share my thoughts and opinions.  Staying quiet weeds out the outside voices that can sometimes crowd out God's voice.  And staying quiet allows for God's blessings to come as they may and those are the ones that are pure gifts because they are directly from God and not something we could manufacture in some way ourselves!

So for now, I want to maintain the silence.  Don't worry, there will be plenty to share as time goes on especially as God makes His way even clearer to us! 

Hope you guys have a special Christmas with your family!  Enjoy those tender moments that come up with your children, the sound of laughter in your home and all the smiles and eyes of wonder that season brings forth!