The Grown Up Response

This week, "Be ye angry, but sin not, and do not let the sun go down on your wrath" (Ephesians 4:26) kept coming to mind as we had covered all of our bases to ensure NoNut's safety at a Vacation Bible School only to encounter another nut situation.  There were moments this week when I wasn't sure if I was more upset over the whole nut situation or over that verse that kept plaguing my mind and would not leave me alone! 

It was reassuring to know that it is okay to be angry over situations, but it was quite limiting to "sin not".  In hopes of justifying my anger, I tried defining the line where anger becomes sin and it was startling to see how little it takes for anger to change over to sin.  And the more I saw where anger was becoming sin, the more confused I got. 

As a mom who will do anything to make sure her child is safe and is not exposed to his offending allergens, what should my response to nut situations be beyond the obvious (not placing him in situations until we know it's safe, questioning everything and not taking basic common sense for granted)?

Leave it to God to point out His preferences in His Word once again!  God already said that it's okay to be angry but to sin not (Eph. 4:26).  God also said that He puts our tears in a bottle (Psalm 56:8).  And, it's okay to "[Speak] the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ. (Eph. 4:15, NIV).  But that is where this answer takes a little turn ...

The second half of Eph. 4:15 talks about growing up in Christ, so it's only fitting that God would shout it loud and clear today as my eyes fell on Matthew 5:48 while our pastor was preaching in Matthew 6 (gotta love a parallel Bible that helps you not miss the point).  "In a word, what I'm saying is, Grow up.  You're kingdom subjects.  Now live like it.  Live out your God-created identity.  Live generously and graciously toward others, the way God lives toward you."  Essentially, God just told me to grow up!  Ouch!  There goes my anger, my justifications for that anger and my growing disdain for those nut offenders. 

Growing up doesn't mean forsaking common sense in the slightest.  I'm still not going to leave my child in questionable situations as much as I'm not going to leave him with people that I don't know without having more than one prior conversation with them.

So what does responding to nut situations in God's "grown up way" look like? 

~ Growing up means finding creative ways to educate people on life-threatening allergies and working together rather than allowing the faulty actions of a couple people to outshine all the others who love NoNut and are committed to his safety.

Eph 4:2-3 -- "Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace."

~ It means treating nut offenders the way I would like to be treated if I carelessly put another food allergy child at risk.  I would expect to be reprimanded and for the parents to be leery of putting their child in my care, but I wouldn't want a Scarlet Letter to be cast instantly upon me and have that define me forever.

Matthew 7:12 -- "Therefore, whatever you want men to do to you, do also to them."

~ It means that some people will receive instruction and others won't.  For those that receive instruction, they can be trusted.  For those that will not receive instruction nor see the danger of their actions, the risk would be too high to leave my child in their care.  

Proverbs 9:8-9 (NKJV) -- "Do not correct a scoffer, lest he hate you; rebuke a wise man, and he will love you.  Give instruction to a wise man, and he will still be wiser; teach a just man, and he will increase in learning." 

~ It means continuing to do all we can to keep NoNut safe, listening to those unexplainable gut feelings, asking a lot of questions and not assuming anything regarding his care.  Yet it also means letting go and trusting those whom God has put in NoNut's path to take care of him for a season.  God wants to work through NoNut's life and to use NoNut's allergies for His glory.

Proverbs 21:31 (Message) -- "Do your best, prepare for the worst--then trust God to bring the victory." 

~ It means knowing where God wants us and being aware of where He is and isn't. 

Luke 10:3-12 -- "Go your way; behold, I send you out as lambs among wolves. Carry neither money bag, knapsack, nor sandals; and greet no one along the road. But whatever house you enter, first say, ‘Peace to this house.’ And if a son of peace is there, your peace will rest on it; if not, it will return to you. And remain in the same house, eating and drinking such things as they give, for the laborer is worthy of his wages. Do not go from house to house. Whatever city you enter, and they receive you, eat such things as are set before you. And heal the sick there, and say to them, ‘The kingdom of God has come near to you.’ But whatever city you enter, and they do not receive you, go out into its streets and say, ‘The very dust of your city which clings to us we wipe off against you. Nevertheless know this, that the kingdom of God has come near you.’ But I say to you that it will be more tolerable in that Day for Sodom than for that city.

~ It means learning to deal with nut situations and moving on.  The "Lord, make it not matter" prayer fits in well here.  Every single time the "Lord, make it not matter" plea comes from the very center of my being, it means I have to let this go for the well-being of myself and my family.  I'm choosing not to carry this any more because I don't have the mental or emotional capacity to carry it around; however, the emotions are still raw whenever I think about it or encounter nut offenders.  Part of "Lord, make it not matter" is allowing God to refocus my thoughts on Him and what truly matters even if it means repeating, "Make it not matter," until it finally doesn't matter. 

Proverbs 24:10 (Message) -- "If you fall to pieces in a crisis, there wasn't much to you in the first place." 

And finally, the essence of growing up and responding to living this crazy, up and down, ever-vigilant life of food allergies is found in Matthew 6:34 (Message):  "Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up over what may or may not happen tomorrow.  God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes."  

I don't always have to react.  I can choose to respond, instruct, prepare and protect from the overflow of my relationship with God which, by far, produces the more grown up response. 

Moments That Make or Break

Tonight, our family was nervous about letting NoNut go to a new class at a new-to-us church with teachers we have never met before. It takes a certain level of trust to leave your severely allergic child in someone else's care.  It is life or death and we only have one chance to get it right.

While all churches say they welcome anyone, some are outright inconvenienced by children who are a little bit different while others embrace different with open arms and no outward hesitation.  We have visited churches where, after explaining the epipens and allergies and sensing feelings of inconvenience and unwillingness to deal with it, we've marched NoNut right out of the classroom to sit with us in big church.  Then we've had other churches that listened, saw beyond the allergies to the little boy that NoNut is and have embraced him and his allergies regardless of inconvenience. Those are the children's workers that have restored our faith in church and in humanity.  We never know which kind of children's workers we're going to encounter whenever we visit a church and we've visited enough churches over the past six months that nothing surprises us anymore.  

I have to admit that I was nervous all day about going to church tonight and leaving NoNut in a new class with people we didn't know.  As much as I tried to hide it, I know NoNut picked up on it for when we arrived at the church, our little guy had those big, unsure eyes.  I didn't want to look at him when he hesitated at my car door because he would see that my eyes matched his.  I didn't know what to do but what we always do whenever we encounter moments like this:  pray.  I held NoNut close and whispered a prayer of protection and courage over him. He let out a little sob as nerves were taking over and then relaxed in my arms by the end of the prayer. 

I couldn't help but silently thank God for this moment with my son...a prayerful, tender moment where we both knew that all we could do was trust God and have courage to walk into that church.  It was a mother/son moment mixed with pure vulnerability, togetherness and faith.  It was a moment that doesn't happen by chance but rather by a continual pouring into our child's life through sharing, praying, loving and discipling him...things we wouldn't have known about on a deeper level if we didn't have this homeschool journey to bring us back together as a family.   

Homeschooling can be tough at times because it is life-on-life discipleship even in the moments of struggle.  It's where faith is strengthened or hindered as your child gets a first-hand look at how you handle diverse situations.  Do you live out everything you've been teaching him or cower in fear and portray the "do as I say but not as I do" mentality?

It's like homeschooling has this built-in layer of accountability as struggles become a teachable moments that reveals something about our human nature and about the character of God.  What does it say to my child when we pray when we are nervous about new situations?  And what does it say when God heard that whispered prayer in the parking lot and answered by giving him a teacher who understands allergies and has a granddaughter who requires similar care and could reassure him (and me) that she could take care of him?

Needless to say, we will be starting off our homeschool tomorrow with even more precious moments as we praise God together as family for how God answered our prayers at church tonight.  There is just something powerful and special about going through life together as family and learning more through life moments like these than moments scripted in a textbook.

The Ninja Turtle Mask Memory

Some memories will forever be etched into my mind.  These memories combine special moments with sadness, extreme empathy with tears, and despair with promises of a better tomorrow for we are not alone.

To have seen my child’s back unexpectedly explode in dots as he reacted to 16 of 20 environmental allergens in his skin test just days before Christmas sent me right back to the moment three years ago when we found out that he could potentially die if he ate another peanut.  A range of unexplainable emotions filled my heart as I saw my completely normal looking, happy-go-lucky, energetic little boy playing with his DS completely unaware of what was going on behind him.  How I wanted to hug away all the challenges that his future holds, the heartaches that will come as he experiences teasing, bullying and being selective in those he dates, and then all the hesitations I see him forming because he’s not sure if his allergies will keep him from doing something he really wants to do, again.  How I wanted to question God knowing that He can take all of this way, He can put our lives back into order and He can take this stress away.  Yet, I couldn't fully question because I know He has a distinct path for my son and our family to follow, so I found a way to trustfully question.

As much as I want to have my tantrum, I have to stop and remind myself of all the blessings that have come with all of NoNut’s allergies, of all the things that his allergies have taught us and the ways that his allergies have opened our eyes to others who struggle with things they cannot change.  It’s taught me that life isn’t always served on a silver platter like I’m used to--it’s all too real when it’s your own flesh and blood rather than a shared prayer request by someone in church.  But, his allergies have also taught me that there are moments when all we can do is cry and it’s really okay to do that.  There are moments that we will be upset.  And there are moments that we don’t know how we’re going handle these new challenges, but somehow, we simply know that God is going to help us through it even if it's one day at a time. 

I will never forget the Ninja Turtle moment we had this morning in our driveway.  We had another situation where NoNut left his epipens in the car and they were a chunk of ice when we found them this morning.  This meant that NoNut would have to help pay for the new set of epipens as a consequence. (Don’t worry, we have spare pairs scattered around the house but needed another pair for our upcoming vacation!)   It pained me to have to follow through with this consequence as I know how hard he's been trying to save his money.  I was soooo torn between the motherly instinct of protecting my son and being his care taker versus showing him tough love by following through with the named consequence knowing it would be another tool in helping him learn (the hard way) that he has to own his allergy.

When I walked out to the car, NoNut was sitting in his car seat with his Ninja Turtle shell and mask on with knowing eyes that would not meet mine.   The verse I read moments before came to mind, “Words kill, words give life; they’re either poison or fruit—you choose!”  Proverbs 18:21 (MSG)  How I responded was going to make a big difference as to how teachable this moment would be.

As I counted NoNut’s Christmas money that went from his bank to my purse for the new epipens, he lowered his Ninja Turtle mask over his face to hide his emotion.  Yet, the mask failed to hide tears in the corners of his eyes.  As he looked at me, all I saw was this enormous green face w/a chintzy white smile yet sad little eyes filled with as much emotion as I had last week as I saw his back after the skin test. 

These little eyes were filled with a weight that is much too big for any child to carry.  His eyes pleaded for me not to take his money yet turned into eyes that were defeated and lost.  How my heart broke and tears instantly flowed.  All I could do was sink down onto the van floor and just hold my little boy and whisper reassurances to him through the tears and pray the “God, I don’t know how to do this” prayer with my arms tightly wrapped around my child, rocking him as our tears fell in unison.  Though he had that tough Ninja Turtle exterior, my little boy was crumbling on the inside more than I ever knew he was.

He has been through a lot the past few months.  NoNut lost a lot of security when he faced the nut situations at one of the places he never questioned, church!  He’s seen the cost of being different in a place where all should be accepted.  He has heard adults say things about him and to him that made him feel like it’s his fault for having allergies as if he should somehow be able to help it.  He’s been accidentally offered unsafe things by people he trusted.  And he’s been given more Christmas candy that he couldn’t eat and has had to say “no thank you” more times this season than he’s ever wanted to. 

How do I explain to a six year old that God gave him his allergies for a purpose?  How do I explain all the ways God has already used my child’s allergies for His good?  How do I explain to him the dangers of letting our guard down or staying silent when we should say something?  How do I let him be a normal kid when there are a couple things about him that set him apart?  How do I even raise a child with 28 different allergies (food and environmental) and not cave under all the stress that comes with it?  How do I advocate for my child and teach him to advocate for himself as well?  How do I protect him while letting him go all at the same time?  Most importantly, how do I let this little boy know that he is soooo incredibly loved and cherished, that he is a miracle and a true gift from God and that his allergies don’t change who he is regardless of what others say?   

The Ninja Turtle mask can hide everything but the tears, the love, the hugs and the sweet assurances that even though we really don’t know how to walk this path, we will walk it with each other with God next to our side.  Such a big burden for a little child and such heaviness for this weary mom who is overwhelmed by life’s curve balls as I see more of his test results and realize all over again the severity of his allergies.  But the Ninja Turtle mask memory is such a sweet memory as mother and son connect with each other's heart and minister to each other in a way that most will never get to experience.  Like all the other allergy tests and results, we will adjust and we will keep finding creative alternatives and we will trust, for that is the only thing we can do.  Can't imagine living this kind of allergy life without God walking it with us!

Homemade With Love = Most Practical Cookbook I Now Own!

Homemade with Love: Treasured Family Recipes by Marilyn Boyer is like sitting down and thumbing through Mrs. Boyer’s personal recipe box (especially when she shares a memory with a recipe)…and you know those types of boxes are filled with tried-and-true family favorites!  I was amazed at how many recipes were quick, easy and kid-friendly.  Most of the recipes called for items that we usually have on hand making this cookbook extra practical.  The pictures included with some of the recipes were helpful and showed me that my food doesn’t have to look like a fancy Food Network dish in order for it to be a big hit with my family.  And, after making homemade crescent rolls for the first time following Mrs. Boyer’s easy recipe, I doubt we will ever buy crescent rolls from a blue can again! 

Since we are family of three (compared to feeding the Boyer’s 14 children) plus deal with severe nut allergies in our home, I wasn’t sure how well this cookbook would fit our lifestyle.  But I was pleasantly surprised and excited to find that the majority of the recipes did not make super-large quantities nor included a lot of nuts.  The recipes that include nuts are ones that we can substitute and still have a great dish.  It was an extra bonus to find a cookbook that gave us a lot of new recipes that we could use as written.  Homemade with Love has quickly become my favorite “go-to” for fast, delicious recipes that I know my family will like!

For more info on the cookbook, visit Homemade with Love: Treasured Family Recipes.

Of course, in order to honestly review this book, we wanted to try out a few recipes and turned it into a life skills class!  My child had a blast learning how to follow directions, read fractions and other cooking basics!  If a 6 year old can make crescent rolls, then anyone can!  :)  Here are a few pictures from our cooking session!  Enjoy! 

Learning how to make triangles

Sampling at every stage

Painting on the butter for the One-Hour Yeast Rolls

Our first attempt at making crescent rolls (One-Hour Yeast Rolls recipe)

Little Cheddar Meat Loaves cooking in the oven ... YUM!