Playlist Memories

"You hold my very moment
You calm my raging seas
You walk with me through fire
And heal all my disease
I trust in You, Lord I trust in You

I believe You're my healer
I believe You are all I need
Oh, I believe"

These words from the song, "Healer", came across my mp3 as I was doing the dishes this morning...instantly taking me back to the cold, lonely, dark, starry night on top of the Snowflex Mountain two winters ago.  We had just gotten more devastating news about my sister that sealed her fate with NF2 (http://www.nf2is.org/misme.php).  She has it, it's progressing and there is no turning back now.  I felt like I had gotten the wind knocked out of me as I realized that God could do something about this.  He could take all of this away from her and my family.  But instead of taking it away, we kept learning of more and more tumors (the doctor used the phrase, "Too many to count."). 

That night, I had to escape and just be alone to process the news that we had heard.  It seemed like no one understood what we were going through, not even my own husband.  He tried the best he could, but this wasn't his flesh and blood.  He doesn't know my sister like I do nor did he watch her grow up and have the love/not-so-love sister relationship that makes our relationship so unique.  I don't remember where my parents were that night, but I remember feeling like I've tried so hard to keep it together and be strong for everyone since her brain surgery but it all came crumbling down that night.

I thought I ran out of faith that night.  All I could see was my sister's face and her future.  How I hurt for her and all that was being taken away from her.  I remembered questioning God and asking Him why us.  We had already been through one brain surgery with her...that's enough!  I gave Him a list of why we shouldn't be going through this.  It included statements like, "This happens to other people, older people, people with problems, people who ____ (fill in the blank with whatever and that was probably uttered)...not us."  My rationality was that we've now experienced the other side of the prayer request and pain that many of those we've ministered to have been on.  We saw firsthand how the usual Christian catch phrases uttered from a place of well-meaning often stung rather than helped.  Now it just seemed like it was time for God to take it all away...not keep adding to it. 

As I cried, yelled and questioned God, His creation spoke.  And as creation spoke, this song came across my MP3 that made the tears fall as my heart ached like never before.  It was like while the world was crashing in on us, the beautiful stars against the dark night sky shouted of God's faithfulness.  There was no denying Him!  God placed every star in that sky as much as He knew about every tumor in my sister's head even the little ones that became too numerous for the doctors to count. 

At that moment, I felt utter despair but then rising hope as I listened to the words of "Healer", saw God's creations in the sky and made that intentional choice to keep believing.  I wanted to believe, but this would require a level of faith that I didn't yet have. 


The song became more powerful as I changed the words and sang it through the tears:

You hold her very moment
You calm her raging seas
You walk with her through fire
And heal all her disease
I trust in You, I trust in You

I believe You're her healer
I believe You are all she needs
I believe

And I believe You're her portion
I believe You're more than enough for her
Jesus You're all she needs

Nothing is impossible for You
Nothing is impossible
Nothing is impossible for You
You hold her world in Your hands.

Day by day, God began giving me the faith I needed to trust Him.  He was faithful to remind me of Himself through this song as it randomly played on the radio or in Lifeway or by flipping channels when nothing else was on (love Sirrus on DirecTV)! 

God's got my sister in His hands!  He has not forgotten about her!  And He still gives her miracle after miracle...from the very first one of her secret desire for nice pjs for the hospital (which someone gave her a pair with something as specific as frog buttons that my sister had wanted) to shrinking tumors in the midst of growing ones in her last report! 

My sister is on a NF2 page where she sees this condition at its worst as lives are taken away by these tumors and surgeries.  Her condition, though it has taken away a lot of her hearing, is mild compared to many.  God has given her a full life and a renewed desire for Him.  He's using her to share her faith within the NF2 community...a place where hardships are seen daily and where hope is lost with new reports of tumors or paralysis or loss of bodily functions.  She can relate to the other NF2ers in ways we never can and share God's love and truth with people who are closed off to Him. 

This morning, as "Healer" came across my MP3, the tears flowed once again as I was taken back to that night on the mountain two winters ago.  The realization of just how many of our moments God has been holding in His hands and how far He has walked with us through the fire brings me to my knees.  God's promises of eventual healing are still here--it's guaranteed (Rev. 21:4)!  But what God wants most is for us to keep trusting Him and trusting that He is who He says He is no matter what the situation may be.  Nothing is impossible for Him.  Today, I needed to be reminded of how far God has brought all of us and how He is still carrying us through everything!  We are not alone!  What a God!