My dear child, don’t shrug off God’s discipline, but don’t be crushed by it either. It’s the child he loves that he disciplines; the child he embraces, he also corrects.
God is educating you; that’s why you must never drop out. He’s treating you as dear children. This trouble you’re in isn’t punishment; it’s training, the normal experience of children. Only irresponsible parents leave children to fend for themselves. Would you prefer an irresponsible God? We respect our own parents for training and not spoiling us, so why not embrace God’s training so we can truly live? While we were children, our parents did what seemed best to them. But God is doing what is best for us, training us to live God’s holy best. At the time, discipline isn’t much fun. It always feels like it’s going against the grain. Later, of course, it pays off handsomely, for it’s the well-trained who find themselves mature in their relationship with God.
Hebrews 12:5-11 (MSG)
Back in the winter, disappointment, frustration and impatience got the best of me as I reacted instead of prayed about a situation. I vented out of pure emotion (in an email of all things) and it didn't stay confidential. Though it sounds like a little thing and "we've all done that" at least once in our lives, it turned out to be costly in so many ways. I doubt that it was as costly to those who received the email vent as it was to me personally.
It was one of those life lessons that showed me reality, humbled me in unspoken ways and thoroughly broke me so I could see myself as God sees me (the good, the bad and the ugly--especially the areas that were lacking Him). It's probably been the most defining moment for me this year.
Though many months have passed since "the email", the consequences have been just as powerful as they were the day it happened as pockets of division (in more than one relationship) and bitterness began to creep in. And even though the months have been lined with consequences, "the email" brought many blessings that spoke so much to the extent of God's grace, the healing that comes through community and the strength that comes from finding our full identity in Christ.
There were days when this mistake paralyzed, distracted and haunted me as it was hard to recover from. Every time I think I "got it" and learned all there was to learn from that situation, God would unearth something else until we finally reached the root of the issue.
It's been so tempting to give a cheesy excuse and walk away from it all because, face it, it's flat-out easier to do that than to deal with the issues. Yet, deep down inside, I knew I needed this. I needed to hit rock bottom in order to see where I was lacking. I needed to see that God wanted way more than skill, creativity, strategy and forward movement (even if it was for Him). I needed to see that ministry is all about love and working in harmony with others as the body of Christ. And if we can't do that, then we have no right leading others toward Christ. Because when love isn't at the root of any relationship, it's not reflecting Christ but ourselves (and that's a scary place to be in)!
I've been praying a lot about whether or not to simply cease everything and spend a year learning what it means to simply love others out of Christ's love. But, God's response continually leads me back to revisiting my leadership philosophy, operating out of that for awhile and then making a decision (which I finally figured out what what my coach meant by "leadership philosophy" and all it entailed...something I didn't grasp before "the email"). As God helps me live out that leadership philosophy, gradual shifts are occuring that speak of God's transformational love and second chances (or third chances, maybe fourth...lost count).
Today of all days, months after all of this happened, I ran across Hebrews 12:5-11 (above) and everything that has been going on instantly made sense! For months, I've allowed myself be totally crushed by God's disciplining because I failed to understand the intent of it. As I look at all the lessons, challenges and consequences that resulted from "the email", I see where it really has been training all along! It was purposeful, necessary yet loving all at the same time. God was in the midst of training me to see Him as my Father. And through seeing His Fatherly love and intent not only through these verses but in all the things we've been learning in our homeschool Bible class, I could finally let it all go. And through the letting go, I've been able to truly live again resulting in this peaceful balance that speaks so much of Him.
No, I don't have it all down and I still have moments where, ummmm, my mouth shows where love is lacking. But, there are moments when I get it, when I see what God can do and wants to do long-term. It's going to take work, perseverance and living life through the power of the Spirit to master these concepts. Encouragement to press on through this training is laid out in Hebrews 12:1-3.
Do you see what this means—all these pioneers who blazed the way, all these veterans cheering us on? It means we’d better get on with it. Strip down, start running—and never quit! No extra spiritual fat, no parasitic sins. Keep your eyes on Jesus, who both began and finished this race we’re in. Study how he did it. Because he never lost sight of where he was headed—that exhilarating finish in and with God—he could put up with anything along the way: Cross, shame, whatever. And now he’s there, in the place of honor, right alongside God. When you find yourselves flagging in your faith, go over that story again, item by item, that long litany of hostility he plowed through. That will shoot adrenaline into your souls!
Compared to the cross and what resulted from the cross, it's worth seeing discipline and training all the way through.
(And KT, while the devotional you sent totally related to where I was at and it was so timely, it didn't fully click until Hebrews this morning where all sorts of connections were made! As I wrote this blog, I kept thinking that all of this sounded vaguely familiar and then was reminded of you! ;) Thank you for planting the seeds!)
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