Tonight is one of those nights when I wake up and suddenly realize where I'm at. I'm standing here knocking once again on a tightly closed door. It's a door that has been closed for awhile. However, I find myself cycling back around, knocking once again, just hoping someone will answer because I believe that what is behind this door is helpful, inspiring, exciting and filled with new opportunities to serve God.
But as I stand outside this door, I peer through the window and see things going on behind the door that make me question, make me hesitate and make me wonder if it's where God can use me best. I feel unrest, confusion and frustration every time I get a glimpse of what is behind that door. Yet, I still stand here...knocking, hoping and watching many others walk right through this door as it's wide open to them.
There comes a point when I have to wonder how many times a person can knock on a door and it still remains closed. Common sense would say to move on...that this isn't my door. Yet, my feet are still here and my hand is still reaching up to knock thinking that what is behind this door somehow holds the answer to what God wants me to do.
Yet, on the outside of this door as I watch others walking through it tonight, it suddenly hits me...what am I still doing here??? Why am I knocking on this closed door again? When will I get a clue that this isn't my door? When will I understand that God has something different for me? When will I stop knocking and start trusting...trusting that I don't need this door to fulfill God's plan for my life? What if this door is meant to steer me into something more, something tailor-made that doesn't fit the mold (kind of like everything else God has done for me)? And, when did I even start caring about fitting the mold anyway?
Yet I'm still here, still knocking, still hesitant to fully embrace all that God has outside that door; hesitant to take the first steps away because I know what it will cost. I stand here still scared to let this door go because I think I "need" it when in reality I need God waaaaay more than I will ever need this door. The door makes sense, it's logical and I know what's behind that door--it's familiar and safe and I know I can navigate it...it's everything opposite of following God.
Yet, God doesn't need opened and closed doors...He just needs people who are willing to turn their backs on these doors and simply follow Him. Can I stop knocking long enough in order to let go and simply and blindly follow Him?
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