Finding Our Way Back...Even If It Means Wearing a Dress

For the first 21 years of my life, I was raised with living up to a standard and given the Christian Code of Conduct.  You live a certain way, talk a certain way, behave a certain way and dress a certain way.  You never have a chance to really think for yourself because you become what you believe without really believing it.  You are immersed in the culture you are surrounded in, never doubting it because you have nothing else to compare it to.  The "why" is lost through routine and the "want to" is more like a "have to".

Then suddenly, one day you wake up as a young adult and realize that you don't have to do those things any more.  You are free to do whatever you want.  You begin to make little decisions that seem to have no consequence and lead you to a better, less-restricted life.  Over time, you become less and less like you once were yet still believing in the same God yet questioning the validity of minor aspects of the "Christian Code of Conduct" while still hanging on to the major beliefs.  Some changes are due to maturing into adulthood and others are because you never understood the why behind it all. 

Years later, as you are well into adulthood, something happens that shakes you to your core as you realize just how far you've really strayed from those childhood days.  You begin to see where little choices made over the years pulled you toward a man-made ideal or a feel-good standard.  You are living a good life that seems overtly godly, but you are still missing the why.  You begin to see where little compromises in the gray areas led you that much further away without even realizing it.  You see where areas that had once been open to God had become shut because it became about you and you dictating that relationship with God rather than developing that relationship with God.  It became about relevancy rather than reverence, about succeeding in ministry rather than the sacredness of the church.  It became about comfort rather than claiming the things that set us apart as Believers, and about trying to fit Christianity into our culture rather than living out the Word without compromise.

During our church search, we saw so many different things.  We saw where churches worshipped God and where they worshipped self.  We saw how they responded to needs or how they scoffed at needs.  We saw where they embraced the community and actively served the community and then where they wanted to reach out to the community but just as long as the community stayed outside of the church doors.  We were left wondering where God wanted us and what He wanted us to learn from all of this. 

Back in March, we walked in the door of one church where I was instantly transported back to the first 21 years of my life.  I saw the standard and Code of Conduct.  I saw the dress (aka real dresses...like something I gave up wearing after I got my BJU diploma because I discovered the freedom of wearing pants to church and that wearing pants to church didn't change my Christianity)!  I saw the once-familiar culture that could easily become routine once again...a routine I don't want my child to know because I want him to know the richness of relationship over routine.  Yet, it was the place were I felt most at home.  For the first time since my SC days, my heart finally felt at home.  We found our way back into the culture that we had, choice by choice, moved so far away from without realizing it.

I first knew something was different when I realized the sacredness and reverence of each service.  There was seriousness and depth that stemmed from being in the Word, not just talking about the Word.  I didn't realize how much we were craving that reverence until we could name it that Sunday we visited.  In a society that is far from God as it can get, I want church to be respite from it all--a place where we can rest and not have to fight against culture for the three hours we are in there; a place that challenges you to be set apart and that will encourage you to live to the higher standard found in God's Word--that is the norm, not the rarity.

There is so much found in the leadership of this church that is godly, respectable and peaceable.  The leaders are praying together and striving to do what is right before God and their families.  The men are in charge and they are taking on the leadership in their church and in their homes.  The women aren't running the show nor destroying the show with their idle talk and poisonous gossip (if it's there, I'm not privy to it and want to keep it that way).  And this church tells you upfront that they are not perfect but that they are learning and growing together ... it's more of a journey together rather the air of "We've already arrived, sorry you haven't!" that we've encountered in several other churches.  We want to be a part of a learning and growing culture where there is seriousness and depth centered around God's Word not only in the adult program but the children's program as well.   

We found a women's Bible study where small talk is obsolete because that social time is spent learning from the Word.  The study is centered around pure Truth because Bibles are opened rather than the study guides.  The discussion isn't about how you feel but rather what God says and His desired response.  It's what Bible study used to be before it evolved over the years, before the Beth Moores and the Priscilla Shirers where bandwagon triumphs the Bible.

On Sunday, I wore my first skirt to church in over 9 years.  My child had no clue what in the world I was wearing but even he knew it signaled something special.  Of course, he and his father were hilarious in lavishing me with compliments.  But for the first time in years, I felt like church WAS special.  I also didn't feel out of place between my two guys who go to church every Sunday looking their best in dress shirts and ties.  I've been waiting for the day when my child would ask me, "Mom, why do you make me wear a tie when you wear your black jeans and don't dress up with us?"  But since we've been at this church and through observing what goes on during the services, Sundays are special once again because we are remembering that we serve a Holy God that deserves more than we can give.  So why am I so resistant about wearing a dress/skirt?  Surely what I wear shouldn't affect my relationship with God...and it doesn't.  Yet it is those hidden heart attitudes that I've held on to all of these years (stubbornness, lack of submission, selfishness, etc.) that surface every single time I walk into that church.  God is urging me to see the scaredness of His house like I saw it as a child and to allow my family the pure joy of having one special day every week that is set aside just for God, not just simply go to church.
  
Yet this time, instead of church being routine or an assumed culture, it's a chosen way of life based on conviction and grace.  Over the past two years, homeschooling has revealed God's design for our family and for His people.  We have been challenged to a higher standard of living and have seen God help us develop the backbone needed to make tough decisions that help us fall in line with His Word and to endure the ridicule and gossip that go along with that.  It only seems fitting that God would lead us to a church that raises the bar and that challenges and supports us to live holy lives before God.  This is what we want for our family yet with the hopes of instilling the why over rote and relationship over tradition.

Sometimes we have to go through life's trials and to learn things the really hard way so we can see a clearer picture of the way God wants us to live and act as Believers.  Do we truly represent Him or a man-made version of Him?  I Peter 1:13-15 says, "Therefore gird up the loins of your mind, be sober, and rest your hope fully upon the grace that is to be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ; as obedient children, not conforming yourselves to the former lusts, as in your ignorance; but as He who called you is holy, you also be holy in all your conduct, because it is written, “Be holy, for I am holy."  We are thankful that, through God's grace and strength, we can rise above ignorance and grow into the life which God desires of us...holiness.

The Book in the Trash Can

Several books we received with our Sonlight Core B this year have prompted more indecision than anything else as education and secular worldviews collide with Christianity. While I believe homeschool children do need to know about other religions (including famous false gods) and various theories like evolution that contradict the Bible so they may speak up for truth intelligently, I believe there is a time and a place for these discussions. 

All year long, I've felt this battle between teaching what is presented in our books versus sharing God's truth and imparting a Biblical worldview to my child.  Christians will argue all day long that our children need to know other religions, but do four, five, and six year olds need to know about other religions when they are still learning about their own God and learning the basics of John 3:16?  Do you teach your young child about statues, idols and mosques when they are still trying to figure out who God is and what church is all about?  Do you teach your young child about the Big Bang when that child is still learning that God created the world with order and the basics surrounding the Days of Creation?  Or, do you teach your young child what is true first so that they always have a foundation and point of reference (the Bible) that they can fall back on whenever theories and religions contradict what they know is true about God? 

It's fascinating to see the many answers and debates to these questions in Christian circles.  However, it seems like many people fail to take age into consideration. 

I wouldn't have thought twice about any of this and the effect of exposing children to other viewpoints at a young age until this winter when I heard my child role playing with his Lego minifigures.  His minifigures were "talking" about reincarnation and nirvana.  WHAT?!?!  No, no, NO!!!!  What happened to role playing about David and Goliath, Noah, the parables, and heaven and everlasting life?

While I thought covering world religions as presented in age-appropriate history books was "education" and what he's "supposed" to be learning (compared to public school counterparts), my child was picking up waaaay more than I thought he would.  That role playing incident opened my eyes to the fact that, as homeschoolers, we have complete say as to what our children learn and WHEN it is appropriate for them to learn it.  It made me go back to the reasons why we decided to homeschool and what we hoped to accomplish with homeschooling--knowing about world religions isn't on our list, but cultivating a relationship with Christ is.  So, if what we're allowing in our homeschool doesn't push us toward our goals, then why are we wasting time with it?  When I ran everything through that lens, it meant omitting pages in books or skipping several books altogether that contradicted what we believed.  Sometimes, it meant comparing a secular book with the Bible side-by-side in order to make sure my child can "see" and begin to understand why certain things are important.  As I reflect back on our school year, I spent more time correcting wrong ideas presented in our books than I did teaching the Truth outright (outside of Bible class and family devotions).  And while I have beat myself up for this many times this year, a situation happened today that reminded me that truth always wins and that God redeems our mistakes! 

Today, I was preparing Sonlight Core B books to sell when my child started flipping out over the Usborne "Greek Myths" book on top of the pile because we haven't read it yet.  I explained to him that it's a book full of stories about mythical gods and their adventures.  We have been exposed to plenty of religious ideas and all types of gods through our Ancient Egypt, Greece and Rome studies this year and it was time to fill our minds with things about the one true God instead.  Well, my child freaks out and respectfully but urgently asks, "Mom, why would you sell [this book] to another kid?  So he can learn about other gods?  Do you want to teach him about the other gods or the one true God?"

I admit that I thought my child was being a bit dramatic and I rationalized it away by silently thinking that it's just a book, it's untouched and I could get full price for it!  But as I continued on with preparing the books for sale, I could see my son's silent questioning glances and the wheels spinning in his head.  This is one time that I didn't pray for God to help me make the most of this teachable moment because I knew this meant laying down even more for Him.  God has been asking so much of us lately as we seek to align our lives closer to Him.  With each thing He convicts of us of and that we see that sends a mixed message about Him to our child and to others, it's like we become that much more "weirder" in the world's eyes (even in many Christians' eyes and even in our own eyes sometimes), so I was determined to hang on to that book this time!  Well, a few minutes go by and then my child speaks up with curiosity, not condemnation, in his voice, "Mom?  How important is telling others about the one true God to you?"   

All I could do in that moment was grab my child, hug him tightly, thank him for respectfully speaking the truth and then cry and pray at the same time.  When we were done praying, I asked him what he thought we should do with the book and he suggested we throw it away.  To his surprise, I handed him the book and it is now laying in the bottom of our trash can.  I quickly threw trash over it so not to be tempted to pull it out later.  As I thought about that book in the trash can, Proverbs 14:1 kept running through my mind: 

"The wise woman builds her house, but the foolish pulls it down with her hands." 

Also, Phillipians 4:8-9 came to mind: 

"Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things. The things which you learned and received and heard and saw in me, these do, and the God of peace will be with you."

Those two verses provide courage to go against the grain, even the Christian grain, and to make sure only Truth is taught in our school first.  When that truth has been established in our child's heart, then it will be time to go more in depth with evolution, world religions and other controversial topics.  This doesn't mean we get rid of every secular book in our house, but rather it means we become more discerning and intentional in what we use as our main textbooks in educating our child. 

Homeschooling.  No one tells you how much it will change YOU, not just your children.  No one tells you how much your words will come back to you through your child's own mouth as they watch to see if your words and actions make sense and question when they don't.  And no one tells you that before you can "train up a child in the way that he shall go", God will have to train you first and His training can sometimes be the most painful, heart wrenching, on-the-job training that shakes up your current way of living and pushes you into a deeper place of relationship and conviction with God and with your family! 

Moments That Make or Break

Tonight, our family was nervous about letting NoNut go to a new class at a new-to-us church with teachers we have never met before. It takes a certain level of trust to leave your severely allergic child in someone else's care.  It is life or death and we only have one chance to get it right.

While all churches say they welcome anyone, some are outright inconvenienced by children who are a little bit different while others embrace different with open arms and no outward hesitation.  We have visited churches where, after explaining the epipens and allergies and sensing feelings of inconvenience and unwillingness to deal with it, we've marched NoNut right out of the classroom to sit with us in big church.  Then we've had other churches that listened, saw beyond the allergies to the little boy that NoNut is and have embraced him and his allergies regardless of inconvenience. Those are the children's workers that have restored our faith in church and in humanity.  We never know which kind of children's workers we're going to encounter whenever we visit a church and we've visited enough churches over the past six months that nothing surprises us anymore.  

I have to admit that I was nervous all day about going to church tonight and leaving NoNut in a new class with people we didn't know.  As much as I tried to hide it, I know NoNut picked up on it for when we arrived at the church, our little guy had those big, unsure eyes.  I didn't want to look at him when he hesitated at my car door because he would see that my eyes matched his.  I didn't know what to do but what we always do whenever we encounter moments like this:  pray.  I held NoNut close and whispered a prayer of protection and courage over him. He let out a little sob as nerves were taking over and then relaxed in my arms by the end of the prayer. 

I couldn't help but silently thank God for this moment with my son...a prayerful, tender moment where we both knew that all we could do was trust God and have courage to walk into that church.  It was a mother/son moment mixed with pure vulnerability, togetherness and faith.  It was a moment that doesn't happen by chance but rather by a continual pouring into our child's life through sharing, praying, loving and discipling him...things we wouldn't have known about on a deeper level if we didn't have this homeschool journey to bring us back together as a family.   

Homeschooling can be tough at times because it is life-on-life discipleship even in the moments of struggle.  It's where faith is strengthened or hindered as your child gets a first-hand look at how you handle diverse situations.  Do you live out everything you've been teaching him or cower in fear and portray the "do as I say but not as I do" mentality?

It's like homeschooling has this built-in layer of accountability as struggles become a teachable moments that reveals something about our human nature and about the character of God.  What does it say to my child when we pray when we are nervous about new situations?  And what does it say when God heard that whispered prayer in the parking lot and answered by giving him a teacher who understands allergies and has a granddaughter who requires similar care and could reassure him (and me) that she could take care of him?

Needless to say, we will be starting off our homeschool tomorrow with even more precious moments as we praise God together as family for how God answered our prayers at church tonight.  There is just something powerful and special about going through life together as family and learning more through life moments like these than moments scripted in a textbook.