Leadership Things I Know but Don't Know

This weekend, we attended the HEAV Leadership Conference for those leading homeschool support groups and co-ops.  It was the first time I attended anything "leadership" since stepping down from lay ministry leadership and taking a year hiatus from it all.

There were many times I second-guessed my decision to step down, but I knew it was necessary.  I didn't realize how much that one-year off was changing and shaping me until I was at the leadership conference this weekend.  All the waiting, all the tears, all the people left behind, all the emotionally-charged prayers and all the waiting (again) was really pruning in disguise after all.  There was rhyme and reason (and even rhythm) when, at times, it seemed like there was nothing left except wondering if God had forgotten about me in the desert.  

Listening to the keynote while being on this side of things was enlightening.  How I wished I had known all of this a few years ago before going into myMISSION/WMU.  Yet sometimes, experience leaves that lasting impression that words could never reach.

Things I heard and read about in 2011 that didn't make sense, made perfect sense this weekend as everything came around in a full circle!  This weekend was a much needed building block that gave me hope and a renewed purpose to keep moving forward as God leads even if it's not what I envisioned for myself and for my family.  I need to keep praying, waiting and seeing this process through until God produces His desired result! 

The keynote speaker encouraged us to read Exodus 17-18 which is one of my favorite leadership passages.  Yet, I realized this weekend that I have never sought to understand it and that is why I keep missing the mark!  This Exodus passage, the keynote and even other leaders I spoke with kept pointing out in roundabout ways that leadership is discipleship (aka relationship)...nothing more, nothing less!  It's not what you do or are qualified to do nor what you have done in the past nor your potential for the future.  It's not about the accolades and glowing recommendations you receive nor about the number or groups that you have led.  I know that, but I don't "know" that at the same time.  The achiever/doer in me still tries to prove that I'm the leader everyone thinks I am while Christ in me is begging to silence that so that I can simply "be" before Him so His overflow in my life is what I am giving to others.

Several times this weekend, the keynote talked about how leadership is pouring into people what God has poured into us and helping them become more like Jesus.  That is what the definition of discipleship is.  Whenever we lead in that mindset, we are continually passing on to others rather than holding on and doing things ourselves and merely having people follow us...another thing I know but don't "know"!

The other thing that kept jumping out at me this weekend was how much a leader needs to let go!  Part of the letting go is clearly defining expectations and directions to the team and then removing my hands from it and letting the team have the experience so they can learn and grow, too.  I look back at my WMU days and see where I had the verbiage and thought I was letting people learn on their own.  And they did do things and did them well but according to how I wanted them done and to my approval, never fully relinquishing control or giving enough trust in the team I had.  If leadership is discipleship, then I must clearly and fully communicate (rather than assume), instruct (rather than give info), and then step back (rather than making sure it's always done right).  I'm really seeing why some things worked and other things didn't with myMISSION/WMU and why some of the leadership hurdles tripped me up.  

Here I am one year later and this leadership hiatus has changed my priorities, shifted mindsets and raised questions that I haven't been able to answer.  However, yesterday, I was reminded of the fact that leadership is about continually passing on to others.  So, what is it I am passing on?  How am I passing it on?  And, why am I passing it on?  The answers to these questions remove the indecision and bring clarity and focus.  I am reminded that God has a distinct plan for leadership and if I follow it as outlined in Exodus 18:17-23 rather than follow any human leader or man-made leadership ideal, the same mistakes will not be made twice!  

Exodus 18:17-23 (MSG): 

"Moses’ father-in-law replied, “What you are doing is not good. You and these people who come to you will only wear yourselves out. The work is too heavy for you; you cannot handle it alone. Listen now to me and I will give you some advice, and may God be with you. You must be the people’s representative before God and bring their disputes to him. Teach them his decrees and instructions, and show them the way they are to live and how they are to behave. But select capable men from all the people—men who fear God, trustworthy men who hate dishonest gain—and appoint them as officials over thousands, hundreds, fifties and tens. Have them serve as judges for the people at all times, but have them bring every difficult case to you; the simple cases they can decide themselves. That will make your load lighter, because they will share it with you. If you do this and God so commands, you will be able to stand the strain, and all these people will go home satisfied.”

Only One Household Matters...

Last Sunday, our pastor focused on the role of women and referred to Proverbs 31.  He said one thing that rendered me speechless as the truth of that verse (and all the supporting verses that instantly rushed to mind) sunk in.  This week, I've tried not to think about the implications of that verse and even tried to rationalize it away, but the Spirit kept bringing it to mind over and over again.  There was nothing left to do but throw my hands up in resignation because it's not going way until it's addressed!  (You know how it is!)

Proverbs 31:27 -- "She watches over the ways of her household, and does not eat the bread of idleness."

The part that stuck out the most was Proverbs 31:27a as the pastor briefly mentioned that if a woman is watching over her household, she is not caught up in gossip.  Think about it, if she's watching over her own household, she doesn't have the time nor energy to get involved in the gossip, drama, mom/homeschool competition, and what's going on at so-and-so's house. 

I was floored this week to see just how much I worry about everyone else's household on top of mine and just how many things I tend to take on that aren't mine to bear.  It seemed like every time I read a Facebook status this week, I had an unwritten comment or thought for everything!  Yet this week, every time I thought something, I heard this little voice saying, "Is that watching over YOUR household or someone else's?"  *sigh* 

It was an instant red flag to stop and capture each thought.  It was rather sickening to see just how much I inwardly cast judgment or how I concerned myself with how other people are (or aren't) raising their children or how I worried about how many Christians refuse to see the light on social, political, religious and/or household issues or how much it bothered me to see so many moms wishing away these snow days and time with their children. 

It's been an eye-opening week as I fought between the old way versus God's way.  However, based on this week alone, I discovered the following things.

Whenever I watch over my own household:

• a lot of things that I think matter, really don't.
• a massive amount of mental space opens up because I'm not worried about everyone else (that also turns into physical energy).
• we have more fun because my mind is focused on my family so I'm not worried about what others think. 
• more love flows through our home because I'm not bogged down in everyone else's problems and taking that stress out on those I love. 
• my family is my priority and I can keep saying "no" because I know I'm doing what God wants me to do.
• God gives us the wisdom to know what needs of others He wants us to address versus the needs that someone else can take care of (Prov 31:20).
• I have peace and confidence that watching over my own household is a direct command from the Lord and anything (attitude, person, activity, etc.) that takes away from that is not from God.   

It'll be a battle until the full implications of Proverbs 31:27 are firmly rooted in my mind.  Until then, this is quickly becoming one of the most valuable tools in my arsenal as it helps free up my mind in big ways so I can more fully love God and love others, especially my family. 

A Different Kind of Church Split

In a world that constantly pulls families apart through busy schedules, sports, activities, education, careers and entertainment, I can't help but notice how much our churches inadvertently pull families apart as well.  While it's not intentional and usually for explainable reasons, we have been astounded at the lack of co-ed Sunday School classes or Wednesday night classes in many churches in our area.

We've been visiting quite a few churches over the months looking for a home church and had no clue just how unfamily-friendly most of our Baptist churches are.  And the sad part is, I don't even think many Christians even see what the problem is with churches offering so many men's-only and women's-only classes and the unspoken messages it sends to our children and to the world.  It blows my mind how a family of five can go to church and all five family members have their own classes to attend, from birth right through adult.  Am sure if pet sitting was available, the family dog or cat would even have a place to go as well.

Sometimes I wonder if the reason why there are so many men-only or women-only classes and hardly any couples/co-ed classes is because so many spouses go to church solo or go to church mainly for the kids programs and just attend a class while they are waiting for their kids.  Or maybe it's because of leadership as it's hard to find men or couples willing to lead a class.  Or maybe it's because we feel like we can somehow reach the community better if we divide up the groups in a church so it's not as threatening and overwhelming while at the same time failing to address the marriage crisis in America.  

For years, my husband and I have enjoyed going to church together.  It's our time to be together without the noise of the world bombarding us or trying to pull us apart.  It's our time to learn about God together and to challenge one another in the things that we have heard.  It's our time to reconnect, serve and hopefully be an example to others as we seek to serve God together as a family. 

In our normal week, my husband is gone over 40 hours a week.  When he comes home every night, we have dinner, spend time with our child before bed and then catch up on our things in the evenings before spending time together before we fall asleep.  Yet, it seems like that time together is never enough.  To me, desiring God and desiring to spend that time together with my spouse before God is so special and such a gift that it seems natural to want to go to church together, pray together, sit together and learn together.  Yet we've been discovering just how unnatural that is in today's society as we've been visiting churches that don't offer co-ed classes except for the Sunday morning worship service.  How have we as a church gotten so far away from God's original design for both the family and the church?

I was reminded this week in my son's devotions about the little boy who shared his lunch with Jesus and fed the 5,000 men plus all of the women and children that were present.  Then, I started flipping through the pages in my son's Bible and noticed that that nearly every time there was a crowd around Jesus, it wasn't segregated as the Bible gives info on the crowd makeup (men, women, children).  Sure, there were times when Jesus met alone with men or where women got together on their own, but the fact remains that whenever Jesus taught in a public crowd setting, it was a setting of all ages, genders, marital statuses and races.  Anyone who wanted to hear Jesus could come...His "pulpit" was simply open.

What would happen if our churches got back to how Jesus taught and instead of separating out the husbands and wives brought them back together to learn, worship and sit at Jesus's feet together again?  How would it strengthen and encourage marriages and families as whole instead of as individual units merely coexisting together under one roof?  These questions keep running through my mind as, once again, my husband and I found a neat church but have to enjoy it separately instead of together (or be the only couple under the age of 60 in a co-ed class). 

I don't know what the answer is, but I know that God has given our family a desire to worship Him and serve Him together and we can't afford to settle for anything less than that when it comes to church.